Finding Home

by Kelley, Aine

  Running my hands back and forth in my hair, I try to grasp what she said. “So you’ve followed this plan for over a year?”

  Her eyes go wide as if she can read my mind. Her lips curve into one of the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen. Playfully, she taps me on my shoulder. “Yes, Ben, to answer your unspoken question, I haven’t had sex in over a year.”

  “Umm okay.” I try to sound positive and upbeat, but it comes out all wrong. “Good for you, I guess. Fuck! I mean shoot! Ah … I really don’t know what to say about all this.” She looks at me funny, as if she’s trying to decide what to make of my response. I feel my nerves creep in again. The fact that she tells me like it is exciting. Shrugging her shoulders, she goes back to looking out the window. Just when I think she’ll be silent the rest of the ride, she surprises me.

  “Well, now you know a tiny bit about my shitty relationships and lack of a sex life, it’s only fair that I ask you about yours.” I can see that she’s studying my face to gauge my reaction. I try to play it cool, but she’s got me in knots.

  “I’m doing okay. I take each day as it comes, but I’m trying to put myself out there again.” Her eyes squint briefly at my declaration before returning to normal.

  “That’s great, Ben. I’m glad that you’re healing. I know it’s been a struggle for you. Beth was lucky to have your love.” Her voice sounds like a mixture of happy and sad, and it tugs at the hole in my heart. I clear my throat to try to change the subject.

  “So. Over a year, huh?”

  “Deflect much?” She looks in my direction and smiles with intent. “So you know how long it’s been for me. It’s only fair I ask how long it’s been for you.”

  The car begins to swerve into the other lane, and I have to abruptly pull the wheels straight. “Sorry. You caught me off guard there.” I feel funny answering her, but it’s only fair. “Ahh … well … Beth is the last person I slept with, and she died two years ago. So, I’m sure you can do the math.” Chewing on my bottom lip, I glance over at her. She doesn’t seem surprised by my revelation. In fact, her eyes express an understanding that reaches deep.

  “I thought a year is a long time, but you’ve got me beat on that one! Is it hard?”

  My body overtakes me again as the car jerks. “Wh—what did you say?” I try not to look down because I can feel a slight bulge emerging.

  “Is everything okay?”

  She must be freaked out over my sudden lack of driving skills. She probably thinks I’m going to drive off the road. Get it together! “I’m fine. What was the question?”

  “I said, is it hard, you know, going that long without sex? ‘Cause I wonder if I’ll make it that long.” Definitely feel something down there.

  She reaches for her backpack and pats it. “But I’ve got Bob, so I’m doing okay.”

  “I don’t know. Some days I miss her like crazy, and I just want to hold her again, just to touch her one more time.” My body shifts slightly so that I can see her face. Her expression tells me nothing. “And who’s Bob? I thought you said you weren’t dating anyone.”

  She starts to smile, a mischievous glint in her eyes. She’s still gripping her bag.

  “Oh crap, is Bob in your luggage? Is he a pet or something? Do we need to let it out?”

  She turns her body sideways to look me dead on. “No, Bob is fine in my luggage. He does not need to come out.”

  I’m intrigued now. “Is Bob some kind of stuffed animal or blanket that you hold? Or is he your diary?”

  She bursts out laughing. “What am I? Ten? This is too funny. I like this game. Keep guessing!”

  Her amusement is catchy, and I find myself laughing along with her. “Okay, it’s not a blanket or a pet. I don’t know. I give up. I can’t imagine who Bob is and how he can fit into your luggage.”

  Her hand comes up and playfully touches my hair. “Oh Ben, you silly boy, I’ll tell you, but you have to promise me you won’t freak out. Okay?”

  I nod like a moron. “Okay, I promise.”

  “Okay. You ready? Bob is my Battery-Operated-Boyfriend.”

  Her what? My heart rate accelerates while flashes of her touching herself sprint through my mind. Fuck. She’s telling me she touches herself with a toy named Bob. I have no idea what to say—all coherent words and thoughts are gone. I’m losing control of my body again. My car is under an unknown force that causes it to go off onto the side of the road. We land in a ditch while my dick practically explodes in my pants.

  I’m gripping the dashboard for dear life as the car goes flying off the road. Holy shit, I didn’t think that would freak him out so much. My mouth gets me into trouble yet again. He instinctively reaches his arm across to try and protect me from anything that could happen. His sweetness makes me fall just a little bit for him.

  Once the car is stopped, he looks at me with such intensity that I’m sure he’s really pissed off at me. I start to speak, but he cuts me off. “Holy shit! Are you okay? I’m really sorry. I’m … I’m not sure what happened. I should have been more careful.” I watch him close his eyes and take several deep breaths. “Shit. My driving is off today. That should have never happened. You fucking shocked me.”

  “I’m fine, really, just trying to get my heart to beat at a normal rate. I’m sorry I blurted that out. I didn’t mean to upset you.” I turn my body toward him and realize that his arm still covers me. It feels incredible. I know he has strong arms, but actually having them on me is a completely different story. My fingertips beg to touch him, so I oblige. As I graze them across, it’s like an electric current moving from my fingers down to my toes. He must feel it, too, because his arm jolts up and nails me in the chin.

  “Oh shit, sorry! Damn, what’s wrong with me?”

  “It’s okay. I guess I’m just filling you with surprises today.”

  “It was total reflex for me to put my arm across you. After Beth’s accident, I well I … I don’t know. I had to put my arm across you.” I watch him take his hands and rub his forehead.

  “Ben, I’m fine. It’s pretty much my fault. My big mouth gets me into trouble sometimes. When I’m nervous or anxious, I have a tendency to say things without thinking.”

  His eyes blink several times before taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “Yeah, you kind of surprised me with your, ah … your … well … you know …”

  “Bob?”

  “Yeah, Bob.” I can see his face turning red.

  “One thing I learned this past year is to stop holding back. I’m in control of my emotions and my life. I want to learn from my past mistakes and make positive choices and changes, hence my life plan.” Pausing, I stare him in the eyes so he can understand how serious I am. “Perhaps this new side of me should come with a filter.”

  Ben reaches for my hand, and I swear we both experience the current again. “I don’t want you to filter anything. I like that you want to tell me like it is. Don’t change a thing. You just caught me off guard. Most women don’t talk about that.”

  “I guess I’m not most women.” My head tilts downward, suddenly feeling shy.

  “No, you’re not, and I like that.” His thumb brushes across my hand, prompting me to look up at him. “You said you’re nervous. Do I make you nervous?” He squeezes my hand tightly then continues to brush his thumb across it. The tingles begin. Feeling my breath weaken, I’m desperate to regain control of it, but it suddenly feels like there’s no air left in the car. I look away, needing to catch my breath.

  I dare my face to look up at him. My eyes travel up his arm, shoulder, neck, lips, before finally landing on his eyes. They lock onto his—so hauntingly beautiful. They’ve seen love and loss. But I also see something else. Maybe its hope or longing, I’m not sure, but I know that I want to find out. I feel him squeeze again and it brings me back. He asked me a question and wants an answer. For the first time in my life I’m not tense or nervous.

  With my hand still in his, I turn it over and trace my fingers over his palm.
Taking a deep breath, I let my feelings come out. “Ben, most men make me nervous, but for the first time in my life, I don’t feel nervous. You calm me.”

  I can hear his breath hitch and see his eyes turn darker. He removes his hand and gently brushes his hand along my cheek. I lean into it, and his touch engulfs my senses. I don’t know how long we stare at each other without speaking a word. I’m under his spell, and I don’t want to break it. It’s a feeling I thought I knew before, but I clearly never really have. It’s the feeling of home—a home where I want to stay and rest my weary body and soul for a while.

  Breaking the spell, he removes his hand and I miss his warmth instantly. “We should get going.” He turns the car back onto the road, and we begin our journey again. However, I have a feeling the journey we’re on is not just a simple drive to his house, but a whole lot more. I think I like more. A contented smile slowly grows across my face.

  My hand itches for something to do so I make a move to turn on his radio. Perhaps some music will lighten the mood. “Do you mind if we listen to some music?”

  “No. Not at all. Put on whatever you like.”

  I decide I am going to test that statement. “Really, whatever I want? Wow. Thanks. What station plays Brittney Spears and Selena Gomez? I just love some good bubble gum pop music!”

  I can see his jaw tighten and his eyes twitch. He’s clearly not a fan of pop music.

  “I thought you said I could put on whatever I want, but that weird twitching you got going on tells me another story.”

  “Ah, I guess I’m not a fan of pop music, but if you like it, please put it on.”

  “I’m just messing with you. I’m more of a rock girl. But I do like all genres. Actually, I’m kind of a music freak.”

  “A music freak? That sounds interesting. Tell me more.”

  “Well, I have this weird ability that once I hear a song I kind of just know the words and melody. I usually only need to hear a few notes and I know what song it is.”

  “So, you’re telling me that if you hear just a snippet of a song, you can identify it and sing it? Kind of like Name That Tune?”

  “Your ears would not want me to sing it. But I guess the way you’re describing it is accurate.”

  He reaches over to the radio and looks briefly at me while wagging his eyebrows. “Hmm, let’s test that freakiness, shall we? I’m not sure I believe you.”

  “Ben Foster, are you challenging me?” He winks again and damn what it does to me. “Challenge accepted!”

  He chuckles as he turns on the radio. “Okay, so I’m just going to turn it on for a few seconds and then off. Let’s see how you do.”

  “Okay. Wait, shall we make a wager? You know … to make it more interesting?”

  His eyes go wide as if I’ve just made his entire day even more interesting. “A wager? I love it. What should we wager? Hmm, I know, how about dinner and a movie? If I win, you take me, and if I lose, I take you?”

  I let out a loud humph. “So basically, either way, win or lose, we’re going to dinner and a movie. It kind of seems like a win all around, don’t you think?”

  “Exactly!” He looks at me and does that wink thing again.

  “You’re kind of a wise ass when you want to be, huh?”

  “I have my moments.” His smile is so smug right now. “So what’s it going to be? I know it might not follow your plan, but I’m harmless, really.” He turns to me and gives me a pouty face. I reach over and smack him on the arm.

  “Okay, wise ass, you got yourself a deal. But you’re going down!”

  “Hey either way I win, because I get to spend time with you.”

  I feel my blush cover my face and spread down my neck. “Smooth. Real smooth. Now just turn on the radio.”

  “Okay, okay, here we go.” He reaches for the knob and pushes it. A few notes play and I don’t hear any words, but I know it immediately. He turns it off and looks at me. “All right hot shot, what is it?”

  If I could’ve envisioned a perfect moment for that particular song to come on, this would be it. My laughter starts as a slight rumble, but then quickly turns into a loud body quake.

  “Why are you laughing? Do you know it?”

  “Ah … yes, I know it. I’m laughing because it’s the perfect song to go with our little mishap a few minutes ago.” He looks at me quizzically. He must not recognize it. I guess I should tell him. “It’s the Divinyls … ‘I Touch Myself.’”

  The look on his face is priceless. I can’t tell if it’s shock or awe. “No shit. Really? No fucking way.” He thumps his fist on the steering wheel. “You’re just fucking with me?”

  “Haha. Nope. I wish I were, but that’s the song playing right now. Go ahead, turn it on!”

  I watch Ben push the power button, the chorus playing loud on the speakers. You can hear her sing about not wanting anybody else and touching herself. My laughter kicks in again, and this time Ben joins me. We’re both in hysterics as we turn onto the long drive into the winery.

  “Kind of ironic, don’t you think? Of all the songs that could be on the radio, that comes on. I guess you’re buying. I win!”

  He stops the car and puts it in park. Turning his body, he looks deep into my eyes. There goes my breath again. Damn, what are you doing to me, Ben Foster? I’m completely screwed. My life plan is fucking with me. Bob will most certainly make an appearance in my bed tonight.

  He smiles brightly at me and my heart feels warm.

  “Oh Sam, that’s where you’re wrong. You see—I won.”

  Fucking perfect! I practically leap out of the car. I decide to leave her hanging with that last thought. I do feel like I’ve won. I haven’t felt like a winner in a long time. I mean, I’ve excelled in my job and sport, but I haven’t won in my personal life. She’s bringing something out in me that I thought was gone.

  When I first saw her at the airport, I couldn’t help but stare. She’s so petite, but I could see the luscious curves she was rocking. Oh, and her breasts—perfection. As luck would have it, I was checking her out while she was checking me out. She didn’t have a clue. My body yearned for her, and I barely knew her.

  Chuckling at the memory, I move to the trunk of my car. I knew it would be strange to pick her up, but I thought making a stupid ass sign for her would be charming. When she mentioned one of my favorite movies I stood there dumbfounded. Beth and I loved that one. One step up and two steps back. That’s how I feel. Beth still feels like she’s here with me and will probably always be here. But, Sam, she’s someone I want here, too. There’s something incredible about her, and I want to discover everything.

  I feel my palms get sweaty. I haven’t experienced this since I asked Beth out back in college. I’m taken aback by how my body and mind react to her. She’s making me feel again, and for the life of me, I have no idea what to do. It’s been such a long time.

  I’m not lying when I say that it’s been two years without sex. The fact is, I haven’t been on a first date in over five years. Can I even call our bet a date? Fuck! I’m an idiot.

  And then I drive the car off the road with visions of her throwing her head back in ecstasy as she touches herself. Oh and even better that damn song comes on. I mean, what are the chances? Of all the songs that could come on the radio, that one’s playing. It’s like the song and the world are fucking mocking me.

  The image of her pleasuring herself is almost too much to take. Down boy. Get a grip, Ben. Hmm, maybe I literally need to get a grip. Perhaps a shower before dinner tonight will help ease the ache she created, an ache that I welcome.

  I watch her exit my car while I take her luggage out of the trunk. She makes her way over to me, tentatively, and reaches in to help. She’s being quiet again, so I decide to wait until she talks to me. I don’t have to wait too long.

  “Thanks for picking me up. I’m sure it was a pain for you.”

  “No pain.” You have no idea the pain I’m in right now.

  She looks around and brus
hes her hair off her face. “I thought Jenny would be here. Where’s everyone anyway? It seems pretty quiet.”

  I grab her last bag and walk toward the porch. “Well, given that it’s Friday afternoon, they’re still downtown at the farmers’ market. We have a booth there with wine samples and some fresh vegetables we grow. It’s a pretty big deal around here—lots of people visit for the weekend. We participate every Friday night. That’s the main reason Jenny couldn’t get you.”

  Her body starts to move side to side and I can tell she feels uncomfortable. “I guess I should have picked a better day to arrive. I don’t want to be any trouble. Were you supposed to be there?”

  The need to ease her nerves comes over me. “No, I was already in the city meeting with some distributers so it was easier for me to get you. I hope you didn’t mind my company?”

  She smiles, and I can see the reddish hue form on her cheeks. “No, I didn’t mind your company. I had a nice time talking and almost getting into an accident with you.” My face flushes, but I quickly will it away. “I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I’m sorry, Ben. I’m really not an insensitive person.”

  I try my best to stop the queasiness that begins. Thoughts of Beth’s accident flash through my mind. “I know you’re not. I like that you say what you’re thinking. People still walk on eggshells around me. I’m okay.” I move toward her and brush away a strand of hair from her face. “I can talk it about every now and then.”

  She blinks rapidly before opening her mouth. “Would you ever want to talk about her with me? I want you to feel like you can say anything to me.” She places a hand over her heart and holds it there. “I don’t know what it is, but I feel something shifting. Do you feel it?” She casts her eyes downward so I can’t see them.

  My hand reaches down and places it under her chin to tilt it up. “I feel it. It’s actually kind of wrecking me.” I see her eyes go wide in panic. “In a good way. I feel wrecked in a good way.”