Finding Home

by Kelley, Aine

  “Okay ass, very funny. You want to play it like that. No problem. You just took sweet, romantic Ben to pervert Ben in a matter of seconds. Don’t think my head will be anywhere near your lap anytime soon.”

  Chuckling, I reach for her hand again, and she fights me for a moment, but then relents.

  “I win! I like holding your hand. Do we still have a deal?”

  Her teeth bite on her lower lip like she’s considering what to do. “Fine. But only if I get to choose which way we go.” Her eyes dart around the vineyard.

  I run my fingers across her knuckles. “Sure. Where to?”

  She points left, and I know the perfect spot to take her for a picnic. It’s my secret spot. I came up here after Beth died. I needed a place that didn’t remind me of her. No one knows about it. For some reason I want her to see it. There are no memories of my life with Beth there. This is the moving forward I need and want. “How about I show you my special spot? It’s pretty spectacular, and I know you’ll appreciate it.”

  She grins and raises our hands—lightly brushing her lips across my fingers. I’m sure she can hear my breath suck in. I turn the car and head out over the ridge, wishing Red would go faster. I chance a quick glance at her, and her smile looks timid. Our joined hands feel incredible. My head clears like a haze slowly lifts. She overwhelms me, but I don’t mind it.

  The energy shifts. The change occurs somewhere between leaving the house and the ride to his secret spot. I’m not sure what it is, but I know how it makes me feel. It’s like having a craving for chocolate, and you don’t have any in the house. You’re searching high and low for something sweet—you go manic craving a taste. Yep, that’s how Ben makes me feel right now. I am manic for his kiss.

  When he kissed my hand I had no idea how to react. His lips were soft, warm, and tender. I didn’t expect to have feelings for someone so soon. Oh God, and then he said he wanted to keep holding my hand! I’m barely treading water to stay afloat.

  Flirting and teasing with Ben is fun, but my yearning to have more pushed me to kiss his hand back. It felt so natural of a response. The last time a person spoke that way to me ended up breaking me into a million little pieces. But I can tell his words are genuine, not forced or laced in bullshit.

  Nathan liked to lie, and he was good at it. He told me I was different, special, and whispered promises of forever. However, his version of forever was banging half the senior class behind my back. How our relationship ended still stings, and its left me scarred. But today, the sting hurts less. I have to believe it’s from Ben’s words and tender touch. In the grand scheme of gestures, the kiss may be small, but its way more intimate than anything I’ve ever experienced.

  Spending this time with him is all I want. To be in this moment and see what can happen next. I don’t want to think or worry about anything else—just focus on us. I want the home I always envisioned for me—the symbol of what a home should be. Home that fills you with happiness, passion, tenderness, craziness, heartache, joy, and love. As long as your home is with the one you’re meant to be with, you can do anything. To share your mind, body, and soul with your home—your forever, your person—then everything falls into place.

  We drive up and over a small ridge in the middle of the vineyard. I see large oak trees bordering the grapevines with a small stream of water flowing at the bottom of the hill. Just beyond the trees is a small clearing. The grass is tall and there are some wildflowers mixed in. It’s beautiful—the kind of place you could hang a swing from. I can only hope that we’re stopping here. This would be my choice for a secret place. The truck slows down as we come to a stop. “Ben, it looks amazing over there. Can we see where that clearing goes?” I start to feel restless in the seat. I want to move and explore. In more ways than one.

  “Funny that you want to go there, seeing as that’s where I’m taking you. It’s my spot.” He smiles at me again. His smile is too much for words.

  “Really? I was just thinking that how perfect it seems to be.” My whole body is really bouncing now.

  “Stop fidgeting. You look like you need to pee or something. And stop gripping the door handle. You look like you’re anxious to get away from me.” I can see his eyes widen before going soft again. “You have to wait ‘til I stop the car before hopping out.” He laughs heartily as he pulls off to the side of the road.

  I hadn’t realized I was clutching the door handle so tightly. I can’t believe I’m bouncing so much. I guess maybe I’m anticipating what could happen next. Will we kiss or just keep holding hands. I like the handholding. What will we talk about? Oh God, is he going to ask me questions about Nathan? Do I want to hear about Beth? Shit. My anxiety is getting the better of me.

  He tugs on my arm gently.

  “Am I making you nervous?”

  “No. Should I be nervous? You’re not going to take me into some secluded area where you hide the dead bodies, are you?” Smirking, I start to pull my hand away from his to get out of the truck, but he doesn’t let go.

  “Ha! Good one, but I’m serious. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable Sam.” I love how he says my name. My body is turning into a puddle on the floor of his truck.

  “I told you before, Ben, most men make me nervous, but not you. It’s just the anticipation of what’s to come.” What am I saying?

  He turns the engine off and moves his yumminess toward me. “What’s going to come, sweet Sam?” I walked right into that one. I can see the teasing look in his eyes. He wants to play again and I love it.

  “Only good things, I hope. You know the saying: good things come to those who wait.” I look down, hoping to hide my blush.

  Ben tugs me again so that I’m forced to look back up at him. “Well, I’ve been waiting a long, long time for something good to come. Too long.” His eyes look sad, but it’s brief. Maybe this isn’t a good idea; he’s obviously still hurting. I try to pull my hand away from his grasp, but he won’t let go.

  “Ben, I need to get out of the truck.”

  “Yeah, I know. Let’s go.” He starts to open his door.

  “Ah, I kind of need my hand back to get out.” I raise our joined hands for emphasis.

  “We had a deal. I get to keep holding your hand. Letting go would break the deal.” Winking, he puts his hand on the handle to open up the door.

  “Well, how am I going to get out of the car if you won’t let my hand go?” I try to hide the sarcasm in my voice.

  “That’s easy, just slide over to my side.” Stepping out, he pulls me along with him, a smug satisfied expression on his face. He’s actually being serious. It’s annoying but adorable at the same time. I slide my body across the seat and reach his door. He never breaks contact with my hand. Taking our joined hands, he places them on his shoulder and releases mine there. His hand slides down my arm and stops at my waist. Our other hands go on autopilot and fall into place. Mine on his shoulders and his wrapped around my waist. His grip tightens, and we look at each other. My breath increases, because I know that with each one I take I fall more into him.

  Gently, his forehead rests on mine, and his breath begins to match my pace. It’s not two separate breaths but one breath for each other. It’s crazy to think and feel this way when we haven’t been intimate. But sharing his breath is a familiarity that I’ve never experienced before. This is way better than anything else I’ve known.

  This is going to happen, and I want it to. Like right now. I slowly move my hands to his neck and move my chin up. I lean into his lips, just as he backs away again. Okay, does he not want to kiss me? I could have sworn he did. He picks me up out of the truck and immediately puts his hand in mine again. Has it been so long that I’m now becoming a pro at misreading signals? I’m not making a move again. Three rejections are enough.

  “I packed a picnic and blanket for us. I thought we could follow the path into the clearing and hang out a bit.” He starts to rub his head again, eyes cast down.

  “That sounds nice, I’m gett
ing pretty hungry.” I try to mask the disappointment in my tone.

  “Okay, then let me grab the stuff, and we can get going.” I let Ben lead the way through the clearing. I had a feeling it would be beautiful, but it’s not a strong enough word to describe it. We stop under a large old oak tree, and he finally lets go of my hand. We lay out the blanket together, and he sits down on it. He motions for me to sit, but I shake him off. I’m not sure if I can sit next to him yet. He still won’t look at me, and I’m starting to wonder why he even brought me here.

  I decide to take a good look at the scenery before me. We are at the top of an overlook that’s above the valley. For miles, all you can see are rolling hills and grapevines next to each other in perfect rows. In the distance are mountains covered in different shades of green. And the sky is so bright and filled with puffy clouds; it’s like a postcard. It’s quiet up here, and I can see why he likes it.

  “So what do you think? Do you like it?” I can hear the anxiety in his voice. “I want you to consider yourself special, ‘cause no one knows about this place.” I take a chance, and turn, hoping he will meet my gaze. I’m not disappointed. “I’ve never taken anyone here before.”

  “Never? Really? Well, it’s … wow, it’s amazing, Ben. Thanks for sharing this place with me. I can see why you like it.” I turn back around and take in the expansive view. I feel him approach me, his body is so close to my back, and his breath is warm on my neck. My breath begins to stutter and grow uneven. I don’t know what to say so I start to ramble. “It’s hard to describe really—beautiful doesn’t cut it. It’s breathtaking.” I glance over my shoulder. His eyes lock on mine. If I just raise my chin and get up on my tiptoes, our lips will touch. But I won’t attempt it again, so I turn my head away.

  “Breathtaking is the perfect word for what I’m looking at right now.” Damn, he’s good, but why does he stop us from kissing. “I want to be honest with you, and I want to share things with you, Sam.”

  “I want that, too,” I murmur.

  He leans down and whispers softly in my ear. “Sam, I don’t know what to do right now. Every part of my body is telling me to kiss you, but I’m a nervous wreck. You say you’re not nervous, but I sure as hell am.” He grabs my waist and turns me so that we face each other. “I haven’t had a first kiss in almost six years. It’s been two years since I’ve touched anyone’s lips.” He licks his lips, almost in invitation. “But, I know that I want to touch yours.” I’ve no idea how I’m still standing at this point.

  His voice is so low I can barely hear him. “I need some help here. Tell me what to do.” I’m not sure what to do. I just know that I need his kiss desperately. So I do the one thing I told myself I wouldn’t do. Slowly, I slide my hands up his arms and over his shoulders until I reach the back of his neck. My fingers play with his hair, and I massage his neck lightly. I hear him suck in a breath and sigh. His eyes close, and that’s all it takes. I grip his hair to pull him forward and crash my lips into his.

  I watch her walk away from the blanket. I’m glad that I brought her here. It feels right. She seems to understand why I need a place to just be myself and not worry or think about anything else. Watching her look out at the view is almost too much to take. I don’t think she has any idea how beautiful she is or how she makes me feel. Feelings I thought were dead and gone, buried with Beth, are bubbling to the surface. I’m confused as all hell.

  I feel like a lovesick idiot, unsure what to do next. I haven’t had to make a move on a girl in fucking forever. As I look at her backside, I appreciate everything she has to offer. The way her hair falls down her back in soft waves—waves I want to run my fingers through and hold firmly. The shirt she wears ties at the back, around her neck, and accentuates her curves. Her jean shorts highlight her ass perfectly. She’s mouthwatering. I’m thirsty for her, and there’s no doubt I need a drink fast. My body urges me to approach her; my need to be near her overpowers.

  Three times I’ve resisted her, but I don’t want to anymore. I want to kiss her, badly, but I keep losing my courage. It’s just been so long, and maybe I’m just acting like a pussy because it’s not Beth—not that I’ve ever had any complaints about my kissing skills.

  Just something about here and now feels right.

  Her breath changes as I lean into her body. She smells like vanilla. My mind takes over, and I imagine touching her lips and anywhere else she’ll let me. Then she tells me the view is breathtaking. I know she’s talking about the landscape, but for me it’s her, all of her. The closer I am to her, the more my strength weakens and my nerves take over. Being upfront with her might make me a pussy, but I want to let her in. She’s been nothing but honest with me, so I need to do the same. I need her to tell me what to do because I feel out of control.

  Time to man up and make a move. I’m so close to her now, and I can feel her breath on me—matching mine as we stand there. I let out a long sigh as she glides her hands up my body and rests them on my neck. Her touch is my undoing. I need to kiss her this instant. Get yourself in control and just do it. Closing my eyes, I move my head slightly, and that’s when her lips come up to meet mine.

  Her lips feel incredible—more than I ever thought a kiss could make me feel. And I do feel it. Her soft, plump lips fit mine perfectly. She matches each delicate brush with mine. Man, can she kiss. I’ve missed this closeness, and I greedily want a whole lot more. If I could climb inside her I would.

  My mouth opens to lick her lips, begging to gain access. She easily opens for me, and our tongues explore freely. She moans and pulls away slightly, moving her hands on my chest. My hold on her stays firm, not ready to let her go.

  Looking at me, she smiles. “Well, that was … wow ... I mean ... just wow.” The blush on her cheeks spreads slowly down her neck.

  “Ah … yeah, that was wow. But can we do it again? I want it to be more than wow. I want my kiss to render you speechless, make your knees buckle, and have your body begging for more.” As if on cue, her knees start to collapse, and I grasp her tightly. “It seems I need to finish what I’ve started. I’ve made your knees weak, but I’ve got to do something about that speech thing.” I place my hands around her neck and go back for more. This time, our kiss is more frenzied. Our tongues move at a fevered pace, and I can’t help but nibble on her top lip.

  She responds with a loud moan and grips my shirt with what strength she can muster. I chuckle and back away to catch my breath. “I love that.”

  “Love what,” she says breathlessly.

  “You gripping my shirt for dear life. It’s the reaction I’m looking for. But give me another shot and my job here will be done.”

  “Cocky much? You seem pretty sure of yourself.” She’s trying to hide her smile, but the corners of her mouth turn up.

  “What can I say? You bring out the best in me. Hold on tighter, babe.” This seems to rile her up. It’s nice to know I affect her as much as she affects me.

  She places her hand over my mouth just as I’m leaning in. “Hold on one second, babe, I’ve got some moves that will make your body beg for more!”

  “Oh really? Prove it!”

  “Prove it?”

  “Yeah, show me what you got.”

  “God, you’re a cocky, smug ass sometimes.” She grips my shirt, twisting it in her fingers. “Okay, just remember I warned you.” Her eyes tell me I’m in for it.

  She puts one hand behind my neck while the other stays in place. Fisting both, she yanks my head forward, licks my lips, and plunges her tongue into my mouth. She sucks and grazes her teeth on my bottom lip. The sensation of pleasure mixed with pain rocks me. Fire spreads through my body and goes straight to my dick. Her leg lifts up and her knee rubs along my inner thigh. I’m sure she can feel my hardness; there’s no way to hide it.

  She lowers her knee and pulls back from the kiss. Her lips trail over to my ear where she makes a soft, breathy moan as she whispers, “So how you feeling? Speechless? Weak in the knees?” She nibbles
on my ear. “Is your body begging for more?” She moves her knee again. “It certainly feels that way.”

  I’m in so much fucking trouble. Trying to gain some semblance of composure, I reach for her hand to pull her toward the blanket. “Damn. You got me. I need a minute.” I can see victory in her eyes as she skips over to the blanket, laughing. “Food. I need food and wine. How about some wine and cheese?”

  “I’m starving, Ben.”

  “Hmm. I bet you are. I’m pretty hungry, too.” I don’t think either one of us is talking about food. I open the basket and pull out the wine, cheese, and crackers. She helps me take out the glasses and corkscrew. When she sees the chocolate she practically attacks the basket reaching in for it.

  “I love chocolate! Oh, let’s start with that. Go straight for the dessert.”

  I take the bag and open it for her. “You like chocolate?”

  “Ah, yeah! What woman doesn’t like chocolate? It’s a true guilty pleasure. I usually carry some around in my purse for when I need a fix.”

  “Good to know. I want to know more about you. What makes you tick?” Her body starts to fidget, and I can see she’s uncomfortable. “Sorry. I don’t want to push you, but I do know a few things.”

  “Oh yeah? Like what?”

  “Well, let’s see. I know that you’ve been hurt and that your family life isn’t ideal. But there’s more to your story than that.”

  She takes a bite of the chocolate and it seems to calm her. Interesting. “I want to tell you things, but how much are you willing to tell? I think we both have things to talk about.” She takes another bite of chocolate and looks away. Reaching for her chin, I turn her head back to me.

  “I’m not going to lie. Talking about Beth is going to be hard for me. Not everyone knows the whole story.” I scratch my head, trying to stall while I think of an answer. “Can I tell you little by little? Sharing is hard, and it might take me awhile to get there.” I take her hand in mine and kiss it twice. “What I do know is that I like feeling again, and I want to keep feeling with you. I really like you.”