Finding Home

by Kelley, Aine

  She smiles slightly and touches my face gently. “I really like you, too. But maybe we should take it slow? I’ve not had the best track record with relationships, so rushing things is not the best idea.” Her body moves toward me, and she caresses my lips with hers. It’s a quick kiss, but it expresses so much.

  “Slow is a good thing. I can do slow. But I’ve got to ask now what? Honestly, I’ve no clue where we go from here?” I’m mentally crossing my fingers, hoping she’ll give me a hint.

  “Well, you still owe me that dinner and a movie from our bet. So, how about we call it a date? Or we don’t have to call it that. It can just be two friends going out to the movies. Maybe throw in some dinner, too.”

  “Let’s call it a date, because I intend to hold your hand and kiss you at the end of the night if you’ll let me.”

  “Well, maybe I don’t kiss on first dates.” Her smirk is so sexy.

  “I hate to break it to you, Sam, but we kind of already kissed. And I hate to brag, but I think it was a damn good kiss.” She throws the piece of chocolate wrapper at me. I love her feistiness.

  “Touché. But what if I said no more kisses until at least the third date … or maybe the second.”

  “Two dates, Sam? Um, okay, I can wait that long, but can you? I’m willing to bet the next kiss will be even hotter.” Her cheeks turn red, and she lifts her chin up and out.

  “I do have amazing self-control. I can hold out for two dates. You, on the other hand, won’t make it. You liked my biting and sucking, so this will surely be torture for you.” Her voice goes soft and sultry, and then she licks her lips seductively.

  I chuckle loudly. “That sounds like a challenge, Sam, and I love a good challenge. So what do you say? Let’s see who can hold off. But I have to warn you—I will not make this easy on you. I’m pretty hard to resist.”

  “Oh, don’t you worry your pretty head about it. It’s you that will be begging for it by the time our second date rolls around. If you even get to a second date.”

  God, I love this back and forth banter. She’s so fresh and makes me feel alive again. “We shall see, Sam. We shall see.”

  I decide a change in topic is wise. I have a feeling that I’ve met my match with Ben. He can dish it and take it so that requires me being on my toes all the time. Even though we kissed and are talking easily right now, I can still see flashes of pain hidden behind his eyes. I hope he will tell me more soon about what happened that night two years ago. I know a little about it from what Jenny told me, but I’m sure there’s more to share. Patience is not my strong suit.

  “So, are you a movie fan? I hope so, ‘cause that’s what we agreed on.” I reach for my glass of wine he brought and try to take a small sip. Ben reaches up to stop me. I can’t help the surprise on my face. “Is there something wrong?”

  “No, I just thought I would give you lesson number one on our tour today: wine tasting and how to savor and enjoy it. You see—wine tasting is a very sensuous experience. It heightens all of your body’s senses, like a symphony of music. “My eyes shoot up like he’s being ridiculous, but I humor him. Besides, the way he’s looking at me while talking about wine could kill our wager.

  “Let me explain. Take a moment and close your eyes.” I’m hesitant, but decide to go with it. “Okay, now think about the wine bottle. How it’s curved and the neck is long. Your hands can wrap easily around it for a perfect fit.” Holy fuck, he’s making me horny right now. I can imagine touching his bottle firmly. Stop, Sam. “Now, take your glass and lift it just under your nose. Inhale slowly and deeply. Let yourself smell the aroma and bouquet. What do you smell?”

  Taking a deep inhale, I allow the aroma to come through. I do this two more times before answering him, and he’s incredibly patient waiting for my answer. “I think I can smell blackberries or maybe cherries?”

  “Good job. How about the scent of chocolate? I know you like chocolate Sam, so you should be able to smell it.” I suck in another long breath and concentrate.

  “I can smell the chocolate and definitely cherries. Wow, it smells amazing. Can I take a sip now?” God, my mouth is salivating, and my body is humming.

  “Now, slowly place the lip of your glass to your mouth and wait. Savor this moment. Your tongue will thank you for it. Tip the glass back, and let your lips part for it. Let it tease your tongue with a quick taste before pouring more in.” Holy shit, this is out of control. “Good, now don’t swallow. Let it sit in your mouth for a few seconds. Swish it around and let your tongue slide through it.”

  I open my eyes, but quickly close them again. I let the wine sit in my mouth and slowly roll my tongue around. This is like sex, and I want it bad. I wait for the taste to overcome my mouth and focus on the smells that are still present. When I feel like I can’t take it anymore, I swallow it whole. Damn. It’s delicious. Opening my eyes, I see him staring at me with desire and hunger. I recognize it because I feel it, too.

  I let out my breath before speaking. “Who knew drinking and sharing wine could be like this? This tastes amazing.”

  Cautiously, he takes my glass away and places it on the blanket. My stomach feels like butterflies on speed.

  “Fuck, Sam, that was one of the sexiest things I’ve ever seen. Everything about you is sexy. How your hand holds the glass and the way your mouth touches it for the first taste.” I watch him rub his neck as if he’s in physical pain. “And your tongue. God, the way your tongue peeks out for a taste weakens my control. I want—no, need—your tongue to swirl with mine.”

  He takes his hands and places them on my face. “You win again, Sam. I can’t wait two dates. I have to kiss you now and taste the wine on your tongue.” Panties are officially and completely soaked.

  I look at him and try to read his eyes—try to get a sense if he’s for real or just playing a game with me. He waits to kiss me, almost like asking for permission. I let out a breath and try to speak. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done to me? I’m on sensory overload, Ben, and I want more. I don’t want you to wait. Kiss me. Now, Ben.” And God help me, he does.

  His kiss is better than the first one, if that’s even possible. Maybe it’s because I’m so turned on, but all I know is that I want all he’s giving me. Fuck my protect-my-heart plan. This feels too incredible to stop. I’m on Ben’s rollercoaster, and I like the ride he’s taking me on.

  His tongue touches my lips, begging for entrance, which I easily grant. He meant what he said about tongue swirling. He is spending a lot of time tasting me, and I love how he feels. He leans his body into me as we naturally fall onto the blanket, never breaking the kiss.

  I move my hands down his back and feel his raw strength. I pause at the waist of his jeans and dig my nails into his backside. His moan drives me to dig even deeper. I’m rewarded with a nibble of my top lip followed by a lick. My hands creep up his back as we stare at each other. I pull his head down and cover his mouth with mine. I lick his lips, asking him to open, and I suck on his tongue. Slowly. Sensually. Eagerly.

  Our moans fill up the clearing of trees blanketing us. He pauses again and looks at me, studying my reaction. I think he wonders if we should stop. I shift slightly under him, and he takes this as a sign to move more on top of me. Our foreheads touch, while my chest arches out to him. His leg falls naturally between mine and I wrap it around him. His hands move to my head as he strokes my hair. “Is this okay? Do you want me to stop? It will be one of the fucking hardest things I’ve done, but I will.”

  I close my eyes, trying to get my body and mind in sync with each other. It’s been too long and my body screams, ‘YES!’ but my mind is trying to tell me, ‘NO!’ I try in vain to get my breathing under control, but it’s harder than I thought it would be. I grab his hair and tug roughly.

  “Oh God, Sam. Tell me what to do here, because I’m starting to lose the last bit of control I have.”

  “Me too. Oh God, maybe we should stop. This is happening too fast, and we agreed to go slow. I guess s
lowly for us is making out like we are teenagers again.” We laugh while he pulls me up with him.

  “Say something, Sam—anything—to help me out.” He points to his growing bulge, and I can’t help but chuckle again. “Hey, not funny. Say something to get my mind out of the gutter.”

  I feel his pain because my lustful thoughts are just as dirty. I desperately search my head for something to say. “So, you like movies?”

  He bursts out laughing and kisses my cheek. “I love movies. How about you? Big movie buff?”

  “Yeah, I love movies. Movies are always there for me when I need them. Books, too. They’ve gotten me through so many things in my life and have been my constant. They help me forget, you know, escape for a while. They bring a smile to my face, even the sad ones.” Ben hands me my wine glass and reaches into the basket for food. He hands me some cheese and crackers, and I take a small bite.

  “So, do you have any favorite movies?”

  I laugh nervously. “Okay, don’t laugh, but I have a huge love for the classic ‘80s movies. John Hughes is my hero. I mean The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles, and Pretty in Pink. Oh, and of course, Dirty Dancing, Better Off Dead, and Say Anything. I could go on and on. What? You’re looking at me funny.”

  He starts to pack up the basket and put the food away. He won’t look at me, and I wonder if I’ve done something wrong. How did I manage to screw this up? “Ben, what’s wrong? Is everything okay?”

  His eyes dart to everything but mine. “Ah yeah, everything’s fine. Just realized we should get back. We have more to see, and we need to get ready for the tours coming up.”

  “Are you sure, ‘cause I feel like I did or said something wrong?” I touch his hand while he picks up the basket. “Honesty, Ben, please. Because if we want to explore whatever this is, you have to talk to me.” I hope he can hear the pleading in my voice.

  Sighing, his voice sounds shaken as he speaks to me. “You just threw me off with your movie talk. I’m a big fan of those movies, too. In fact, they have a retro night at the theatre during the week.”

  I should feel relief, but something isn’t sitting right. I should probably drop it, but if I’ve learned anything from past experiences it’s to not keep my mouth shut. “I have a feeling there’s more to it. Just say what’s on your mind. Whether you think I want to hear it or not.”

  “All right, you see, Say Anything, is one of my favorites, too.” He starts to squirm on the blanket.

  “Okay, so we both have good taste in movies. Why’s that so bad?” His eyes flash to pain again, and I feel my heart skip—not in a good way.

  “Beth loved that movie, too. We would watch it together all the time.”

  I squeeze his hand and hold on tightly. “That’s why you looked at me funny at the airport when I talked about the sign. I get it. I’m glad you told me; I want us to be comfortable telling each other stuff. Okay?”

  He shakes his head while his other hand brushes across my cheek. “Okay. Thanks, Sam. I don’t want this to ruin our day. I need you to know that our kiss means something to me. I think it means more than I even realize yet.”

  “Do we have a little longer out here?”

  He checks his phone for the time. “Yeah, we’ve got a couple more hours ‘til we need to be back.”

  “Good. Can you play some music?” He presses a few buttons on his phone and music starts to play. I immediately recognize David Gray singing about forgiving him—it’s one of my favorites. “Do you know this one my freakish music girl?”

  I grab his other hand in mine and pull him toward me. “Of course I do. That’s an easy one. “Please Forgive Me,” but it’s an acoustic version. It’s slower, but I like it. It’s hauntingly beautiful.” And eerily similar to what’s happening between us. I continue to pull him down on the blanket. It’s not a sexual move but more my need to have him hold me. I turn away from him and wrap his hand around my waist—my back to his front. “Lay with me awhile and just be?”

  He doesn’t respond with words but pulls me in tighter. His body fits perfectly against mine. I could so easily get lost in him for a while. I feel him gently kiss my neck and under my ear a few times before resting his head in the crook of my neck. Our breath is in sync again as we lay listening to the music. He sings softly into my ear. “Every time I look at you, every time I look at you. Thank you, Sam. I like just being with you.”

  My body moves deeper against him. I close my eyes and let any negative thoughts I had a few minutes ago drift away. I want more of these moments with Ben. I only hope we can have them.

  She feels amazing in my arms. I could stay like this all day and night. It’s been too long since I’ve last had the warmth of a woman curled into me. Beth was the only woman I wanted in my arms, but having Sam here tightly against me feels surprisingly right. I just don’t want to scare her off.

  It’s hard to keep Beth out of my mind. She crawls inside at the strangest times. Usually I don’t mind it; in fact, sometimes I welcome the distraction. But right now, I want my mind clear. I need to figure out what I’m feeling for Sam and how my body reacts to her. And it’s not just physical but emotional, too.

  When I think back to the times we spoke on the phone, she was so easy to talk to. She would listen, but talk, as well. It was a perfect balance. Having her here has caught me off guard in a good way. It’s as if I’ve known her all my life and not just bits and pieces scattered here and there.

  Something I told Jack last week resonates with me—about being home. Sam reminds me of home, and I want her to stay for a while. With her arms wrapped around me, I believe it. It’s like she fits into me, and our bodies know it. They respond and react. I’ve been waiting for what feels like forever for this sensation again. I grip her tighter so she knows how good she feels to me.

  The music plays in the background, and I can’t help but sing in her ear. The words seem meant for us. The lyrics just fit. When we first touched it did feel like lightning running through me, what with the strange things I’ve been saying, and then spraying coffee all over her. So bizarre. When I really look into her eyes, I get lost in them. Yep, this song is describing us right now to a tee.

  I don’t want to get up, but I know it’s getting late. I’m not sure how long we’ve been lying here, but I can tell she’s fallen asleep. I risk moving my arm slightly and prop myself up. I stare at her and my breath falters. Watching her sleep, I wonder if she’s dreaming and if it’s a happy dream. Maybe she’s dreaming of us? When did I turn into some pussy-whipped poetic ass?

  I gently shake her awake, and slowly her eyes flutter open. “Sam, hey, sweet Sam, you gotta wake up. We have to get going.”

  She stretches her arms above her head, yawning. “Sorry, I guess I’m still tired from all the craziness of the past few weeks. I’m just a ton of fun.” I help her up.

  “No complaints here. I like watching you sleep. You were making these cute little snoring noises mixed with sighs.” Her whole face turns bright red, and her look of horror is priceless.

  “Oh my God! I don’t make noises. Wait, do I? I know that I’m a bed hog and a blanket stealer, but nobody has ever said I make snoring noises.” I brush the hair off her face and watch the redness grow even brighter.

  “A bed hog, huh? That’s a real problem, ‘cause I’m a hog, too.” I pause to gauge her reaction. Why am I even saying this? “But I have to say, no one has ever complained of me snoring.” I wink at her, give her my smug grin, and go in for the kill. “It’s kinda loud and you even drool, too.”

  “You jackass! I do not snore or drool.” She smacks me on the arm and walks toward the truck.

  “Hey, aren’t you going to help me clean up? After all, you enjoyed the wine and chocolate so much!” I partly shout and laugh at her. She turns around and flips me off. “Hey come on, don’t do that! Didn’t I mention that I like a feisty woman who snores?” I’m having too much fun teasing her.

  “Ben Foster, I hope you’re having a nice laugh about all thi
s. I’ll continue to take my snoring, drooling self back to the truck.” I watch her open the door and slide in and turn the rearview mirror to face her. Touching her face, her mouth opens wide in surprise. I’m sure she feels the wetness from her drool. I love seeing her reaction.

  I finish picking up, put the basket in the back, and hop in. She looks hesitant to say anything to me, so I wait patiently, trying to hold back my laughter.

  “So, I’m sorry that I snapped at you.” She touches her chin again. “Apparently I do drool. I guess I must look gross when I sleep. We can add that to the list of Sam’s turn-offs!”

  She tries to look away from me, but I won’t let her. “Hey, I happen to like that you drool. It’s cute and adds to your beauty. You, Sam, are real, and I like it. You are real to me.” I kiss her cheek softly and lean toward her ear. “Now snoring is a whole other story. That could be a deal breaker for me.” She playfully shoves at my chest.

  “Yep, definitely a jackass!”

  “I’m only teasing. You don’t snore. Just sigh sometimes. It makes me curious about what’s going on in that head of yours.” She just stares at me without saying anything for what feels like several minutes. The silence doesn’t bother me, though.

  She blinks several times before speaking. “I haven’t had any good dreams in awhile, and if I did, I don’t remember them. Why is it we always remember the bad ones and not the good ones?”

  Silence again surrounds the truck’s cab, and neither of us tries to fill it. I know exactly what she’s talking about. Finally, I open my mouth, but it feels so dry. “For some reason, I think it’s easier remembering the bad stuff. The things that haunt us, things we don’t want, or don’t know how to let go. Maybe our brain is hoping we’ll learn some great life lesson.” Pausing to take a breath, I continue. “In all honesty, it’s easier believing and dredging up the bad stuff than recognizing and replaying the good stuff. My dreams haunt me.” I pull her next to me so her forehead is touching mine. “Sam, you are so fucking real to me. I hope the bad dreams that hang on to me go away. I want to stop hurting and begin healing. I only want the good ones you can bring from now on.” I kiss her forehead softly and start the truck to make our way back to the barn.