by K. T Fisher
“Go to sleep, honey,” she whispers.
Lacey doesn’t stop playing with my hair, digging her nails in slightly as she does. She knows I love my hair being played with. My eyes become heavier and it’s not long before her hands and the soft sway of the plane make me fall asleep.
Chapter Three
Roxie
Lacey wakes me up with a gentle nudge. “We’re here, honey.”
I sit up and stretch out the stiffness in my neck. It doesn’t even feel like I’ve been asleep for very long, but I needed it.
When the plane lands, I follow Lacey out and watch as men carry our bags into the waiting car. I have a sense of déjà vu, thinking about the last time I stepped off this plane when I see some similar images as men carry bags into the waiting limo.
Thinking of Mason hurts. I miss him so bad. I really want to see him, but I’m scared that when I do, it will cause me pain. I will either feel like shit for what I have done to us or hurt from the disgust I see on his face. Or probably both.
The more time I spend with Lacey the more memories come flooding back, probably because she was there most of the time, so she’s causing the sparks. It doesn’t help that we’re on the band’s plane, though, and that we’re heading to his brother’s house where I will stay.
I can’t ignore that the memories of me and Mason are harder to face than when I was safe in rehab, and I just know it will only get worse.
Lacey continues to smile over at me as we ride in the back of the car. She seems very comfortable and it makes me wonder how many times she’s been driven around like this before. Most likely a lot if she’s spending all her time with Cole.
We arrive at the front gates, and I have to stop my mouth from dropping open.
“What the fuck?” I whisper, and Lacey giggles beside me.
“Amazing, right?” Her face beams.
“Amazing? It’s more than that,” I laugh as I stare out at the greenery.
As we drive further down the private road, I notice others winding away into different directions.
“Those lead to the guys’ houses,” Lacey informs me.
So all four of them live on the same property, yet have enough space to when they want time alone. Smart, and, seeing as what they do for a living, it makes sense.
We arrive at another set of gates and I know right away that this house is Cole’s. It’s not only huge, but also gorgeous. I’m surprised at how nice the flowers that I spot around the house are. Obviously not Cole’s doing.
Lacey opens the car door and steps out, but I don’t move right away. Instead, I continue to stare at the house exterior, psyching myself up to go inside.
What if I see Mason? How will I feel?
“Rox?” Lacey leans back into the car. “You ok in there?”
I slowly nod my head and stretch out my sweaty palms.
Lacey places her hand on my shoulder. “None of the guys are here. You have nothing to worry about. I promise you.”
I look into her eyes and believe her. Taking a deep breath, I follow her out of the car and feel grateful that she’s holding my hand right now.
We step inside and I take the chance to look around. Fucking hell, this place is something else. I always wondered how the other half lived, and here I am.
I hear the noise of feet running against the wooden flooring somewhere in the large house.
“Is she here?” I hear Ria’s voice.
“Roxie’s here!” I hear an excited Paige.
The sound of both their voices, makes my nerves disappear. I can’t believe they’re here. No wonder I couldn’t get a hold of them back home. I can’t help but join in Lacey’s laughter as we watch both Ria and Paige race towards me. Their faces show how happy they are with their wide smiles, and their hair flows behind them, red and blonde, as they both crash into me.
They crush me in a tight cuddle. I hear their sniffles as they cry and, over Paige’s shoulder, I see Lacey watching, and she’s wiping her eyes. Crystal appears from around the corner and smiles at the scene as she soothes Lacey. I’m a little embarrassed to see Crystal, because she met me when I was at my worst, and I hope she doesn’t think that’s the real me. I have a lot of shit to cover now that I’m back.
As my own tears start to fall, I motion them over with my hands around Paige and Ria, and we all cry as we stand there, huddled together. It feels so fucking good to have my girls with me again. I knew I was making the right choice in coming here.
***
After the tears have subsided and we’re able to have a proper conversation, the girls lead me out to the pool area and I’m in heaven. The large pool sits in the middle with a Jacuzzi on the end. Luxury seating is on our side as we step out of the house and on the opposite side stands a bar under a cave like wall. It’s weird, but fucking awesome and, again, very Cole. This is like something right out of a freaking movie!
The girls go to sit on the padded sun loungers as Lacey and Crystal head towards the bar area, so I sit down next to Paige.
She smiles at me with tears still shining in her bright green eyes. “I’m so happy you’re ok.”
“Me too,” I reply honestly. God knows what would have happened if I was still drinking...I’d probably have moved onto worse things, and that fucking scares me.
Lacey and Crystal both return with ice cold drinks carried on trays and hand them out. I notice that none of these drinks are alcoholic, obviously for my sake, and I wish I could tell them that it’s fine and that they can drink in front of me, but I would be lying. I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet, fresh out of rehab and all, so I keep my mouth shut and lean back in my chair. Honestly, I think I’m a little scared to see alcohol. I’m frightened that I will fall and that’s the reason I stayed a little longer at rehab than I had to, and right now I need to take care of myself; but it’s not only me I need to worry about. Yes, I’ve been to rehab and I’m now sober, but it’s only the beginning, and I don’t want to push myself. I have to remember what I was taught back in rehab and not let my craving win over me. I will beat this.
I take a much needed sip as I watch Lacey take her seat next to me. She seems at home here and I’m happy for her. God only knows the shit I’ve put her through these past months.
“How are you feeling?” Ria asks.
“Better now.” I manage a small smile, but they all see straight through me.
“How are you really feeling?” Paige asks.
“Honestly?” I look at me them and they all nod in answer.
“Give it to us straight.” Lacey smiles.
“The good, the bad and the ugly,” Paige adds.
I take a deep breath and let it all out. “It’s Mason. I feel like shit for what I did to him and if I’m totally honest I regret that more than the drinking.”
Paige rubs my back. “Oh honey, I’m sure he knows that you’re sorry.”
I shake my head. “No, he doesn’t, not how badly I really feel, anyway. I don’t think anyone can. The crap eats at me all day, every day. After I started to drink more, I’d sit there and think about how horribly I treated him, and that only made me drink even more...until, in the end, I drank a whole lot more.”
They look at me with such intense looks of sympathy that I almost jump up and run for the bar at the other end of the pool. Fuck, this shit is hard!
“While I was in rehab, I constantly thought back to everything I did, and then everything that Joe put me through. I knew most of it was on me because I had no control of what he did to me, but I wasn’t fooling myself in there. I know I love Mason and I know he’s the only one for me, and what did I go and do? I fucked it all up. He’s not going to want to even look at me, never mind give me a second chance, and I don’t blame him.”
Lacey gets up and gets right in my face. “Now you listen here, Roxie! You need to stop this pity party and get your man back. He will listen to you because he has to, and you need to say it to him. You need that. You both do.”
I
understand what she’s saying and it’s the same as the doctor has told me multiple times while I was recovering, but that’s easier said than done.
Lacey wipes at her eyes and Ria steps in. “We’re all here for you with anything you need.”
I look around at them all and even Crystal nods her head. I do know I have them backing me up, and I’m really fucking glad I do. I’m lucky to have such good friends.
Chapter Four
Mason
I’m standing outside in the much needed fresh air with the sun beaming down on me. I should be used to the smell of the tour bus and the limited clean air, but when the girls came along with us, they fucking changed everything! Clean smelling air, windows opened and fresh food on demand...Now we don’t have any of that and, weirdly, I want it all back. I hated it at first.
I take a huge and deep inhale from the much needed cigarette and blow out the smoke. Cole frowns at me and I do it again while smiling. He hates me smoking, which makes me love it even more.
His phone rings and when he looks down at it, his frown becomes a stupid grin so quickly that I don’t need to ask who it is. There’s only one person who can make my brother look like that, and that’s Lacey. The love struck bastard’s face lights up as he answers so I go back to my sweet nicotine. It helps calm my nerves. As much as I love Lacey, she causes me to think about Roxie, and the more I think of Roxie the more tense I become. As fucked up as everything is, I still need her. Hell, I fucking crave her! But as much as I want her, I can’t go there again. It’s taking all of my strength to not call her and hear how she is. I try not to remember the memories of us together, the feel of her soft body, and how she responds to me, but it’s fucking hard. I thought Roxie was the woman for me, but it turns out I’m not enough for her.
Too much shit has happened between us. I love Roxie enough to help her through her shit, but that’s it. I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable again.
I catch sight of a roadie packing away one of the speakers into one of the tour busses, and, for a second, I think it’s Joe. My fists clench and my body tenses. He turns around and I see its Calvin. My whole body relaxes but the thought of the scumbag stays in my mind. I fucking hate that man, and I’m pissed that he’s not been fired from his job! It’s fucked up!
I guess because Roxie hasn’t filed a report against him then there’s no evidence. His boss seems to like him around and won’t let him go because of a supposed ‘incident.’
God, I fucking hate that guy! Not only did Roxie sleep with him behind my back, but he fucking raped her! He blackmailed my girl to the point where she could have seriously hurt herself, or worse, and I still have to fucking see him walking around here like he’s the shit.
“Ok baby, I’ll catch ya later. Love ya.” Cole hangs up the phone, but I’m surprised to see he doesn’t look his happy self.
“What’s up with you?” I ask him.
“That was Lacey,” he obviously points out.
“Yeah, I gathered that,” I laugh.
Cole continues to stare at me. “Roxie’s out.”
His words nearly make me choke on the smoke I have in my mouth.
“Mase?” he asks, but I don’t say anything.
What is there to say?
I blow out the smoke, throw the cigarette on the floor and stomp it out.
“You fucking hearing me?” Cole gets in my face. “I’m telling you that your fucking woman is out and she’s clean.”
I shoot him with a glare. I’m fucking shaking right now, and I don’t know if it’s from the shock of hearing that Roxie is fresh out of rehab, or because I’m so angry at Cole for claiming that she’s still my woman.
“My woman?” I huff. “She ain’t my woman anymore.”
“Maybe not, but I do know that you still love her,” he replies with smug arrogance.
I don’t have anything to say to that, so I walk away without another word. I decide I don’t want to go back inside the tour bus, so I go in the direction of the concert venue. As I walk in I hear Tate and Booker doing some sound checks before the gig tonight.
I hear heavy feet behind me and I know it’s Cole before he speaks.
“She’s at my place.” My body almost stops from the shock of hearing that. “And we’re going back for the weekend.”
“Are we now?” I ask, and even I hear the shakiness in my own voice. Shit.
Hearing that she’s someplace safe with her girls around her makes me happy. I won’t let Cole hear me say that, though.
“Yeah, dickhead, we are. So get over your shit and man the fuck up,” he growls.
I shake my head at him and carry on walking. I go to collect my guitar, the only love in my life that will stay true to me.
“I know what she did was wrong,” Cole says in front of me. “But what Joe did to her wasn’t her fault.”
I almost drop my guitar to the floor. I step closer to Cole, get right in his face, and he doesn’t even flinch.
“Don’t you think I fucking know that?” I say through clenched teeth. “She was mine but she went and fucked a fucking roadie! I didn’t know what was happening, but I did see what it was doing to her. I saw her drowning and I did fuck-all! She could have fucking died and it would have been on me! What kind of man does that make me?”
I’m shaking as I stare at Cole. He doesn’t say anything and that tells me what I need to know.
I don’t want to be here. I want to be alone. I go to walk around Cole but he stops me.
“What are you doing?”
“Leaving, I need to be fucking alone.”
Cole drops his arm and lets me walk away.
“I’ll call you when we’re heading back,” he shouts as I walk out the door.
I raise my hand to let him know I heard him and nearly run to the safety of the tour bus. When I climb aboard, I slam the door behind me and collapse on the sofa. The silence is welcoming. I need this.
Yeah, ok, I’m hiding, but I need to fucking get myself together. Cole is right, but I don’t want to hear it. I know I’m acting like a pussy but Roxie got herself deep under my skin, and knowing she went behind my back with someone else when I wasn’t even noticing any other woman fucking stung like a bitch. I can’t go running to her rescue and be her knight in shining armour. I can’t let her think she can come back to me and that I will welcome her as if nothing went wrong between us. I don’t even know if I want her back. Sure, I still love her, I’m not just going to stop loving her like that, but I do know I can’t be with someone who can break me like that again.
Chapter Five
Roxie
I’ve spent the last week with the girls at Cole’s house, and it has been real good for me. Not just because of the still present need for alcohol, but for me. I’ve missed these girls, especially Lacey, and being around them as the normal, sober me makes me so happy.
If I hadn’t fucked things up with Mason, I would be the happiest I’ve ever been, but the pain in my heart for him brings me down. It prevents me from reaching the highest point, and I need to fix that.
I’m so glad Lacey thought to have Ria and Paige here, too. I need as many people around me as possible because I’m no fool. I need the support and the last two days have been really hard. The craving is still there; it’s not going to go away just because I’ve been to rehab. The real work is when you’ve left rehab and have to return back to reality.
I’ve been feeling really sick lately, too, and I’m trying to hide it because I don’t want to add yet another reason to fuss over me. Lacey knows something is up, though. I can’t get anything pass her.
Another heave ripples through me and I close my eyes as another round of vomit spills into the toilet.
“Roxie? Is that you?” I hear Lacey from the other side of the door.
“Yes,” I quickly manage to say before another round leaves my stomach.
I hear her trying to open the door but, thankfully, it’s locked.
“Rox, let me in,” she begs
me but I don’t move. I want to be alone. “Roxie!”
I just know she’s standing there with her hands on her hips as she frowns at the door. Then I hear another set of footsteps.
“What’s up?” I hear Crystal.
“Roxie’s in the bathroom,” Lacey replies.
“Ok,” Crystal laughs.
“No, she’s being sick.” Lacey snaps. “And she won’t let me in.”
There’s a knock on the bathroom door again. “Roxie?” It’s Crystal.
I sigh and flush the toilet. See what I mean? More fussing.
“I’m coming!” I shout as the knocking continues.
I quickly rinse out my mouth and get a look at my reflection. Ouch, I don’t look so good.
As soon as I open the door, Lacey storms pass me. “Why wouldn’t you let me in?” She demands and I hate the look of suspicion in her eyes.
“Because I don’t want anyone to see me sick.” Does anyone want to be seen like that?
“Is that it?” Crystal asks.
I place my hands on my hip. “Why? You think I’m hiding a bottle or two in here? Go ahead, take a look.” I hold out my arms wide.
She frowns. “Of course not.”
“We’re just worried,” Lacey adds.
“Yeah babe, that’s, like, the third time this week I’ve heard you throwing up.” Crystal looks at me, concern clear on her face.
I run my hands through my knotty bed-head hair. “Yeah, I think I’m just coming down with something.”
They both nod their heads and I see the sympathy they have for me. As much as I know they care about me, I’m starting to get a little annoyed at seeing that look.
“Ok, well, I’m making breakfast.” Lacey walks out.
“I’ll be down soon,” I let her know as I make my way to my room.
While I’m alone, I think about the lies I’m still telling my friends and it makes me feel like shit. I shouldn’t be lying. That’s how everything started but as much as I know they all love me, I’m scared they won’t agree with what I’m doing.
