Her mother twisted her gloves. “I have no need to justify myself to you. There were reasons for my decisions. Reasons that I never expected you, a mere child, to understand.”
“Maybe I’d understand them now.”
“Be that as it may, I’ve no desire to discuss it.”
Ashley shrugged. “No, I don’t suppose you do.” She felt her own anger stirred. How can I forgive her when she acts like this? She doesn’t feel she’s done anything wrong. She just goes on and on about how things were ruined for her—never mind how she ruined things for other people. “You’ve never felt you needed to explain anything you said or did. Grandpa didn’t understand it, and neither did I. So we did as you demanded and took ourselves out of your life. You made your choice and it was my choice to see that you lived up to the full impact of that decision.”
Leticia stiffened. “You needn’t sound so smug. Your father died a broken man because of those choices.”
Ashley hadn’t really considered how her father might have dealt with her disappearance. She didn’t like to think of him pining for her.
“He hired detectives, but the trail went cold around St. Louis.”
Ashley remembered there had been some problems with her train in St. Louis. She had to change three times before she was finally sent on to Kansas City. There again, she changed trains and was given the wrong reservation for a different Mrs. Reynolds. She had ended up in Dallas, Texas, instead of Los Angeles. It hadn’t been an easy trip for an expectant mother.
“You made me believe he was of the same heart and mind as you were. It was never my desire that Father should suffer.”
“But it was your desire that I should suffer?” her mother questioned.
Ashley knew there was no sense in lying. “Yes. Just as it was your intention to make me suffer when you told Ethan I was dead.”
Leticia nodded. “I suppose, then, we’re somewhat even.”
Now Ashley felt nothing but regret. Her heart ached at the thought of all those lost years. And now her daughter might be lost to her as well.
“I don’t care about being even. I care about . . .” Ashley fell silent. What did she care about? Her daughter and Ethan, of course. But what else? Did she want to mend this fence between herself and her mother? Did she care whether her mother walked out the door to go stay at the Harvey House?
With a deep sigh, Ashley shook her head. “It isn’t important.” She turned back to the bowl of cookie dough. Forgive her. Let the past go. God nudged her conscience again. Sighing, Ashley knew what she had to do. For a moment she wrestled with the idea, then finally spoke before she could change her mind.
“You may stay here until you leave. If you want to.”
Her mother said nothing for a few minutes, and Ashley refused to turn around. That’s the best I can do, God. It’s the only step I can make right now. I’m trying to forgive her—I’m really trying.
Her mother’s silence was unnerving, but instead of forcing the issue, Ashley spooned the dough onto the pan and waited for some sort of response. She was ready to put the cookies in the oven before her mother finally replied.
“I’ll stay here, then. Lavelle and I can visit some more, and we can be here when Natalie returns.”
Ashley turned at this. She looked at her mother’s expression. She had masked all emotion, lest she be too vulnerable—Ashley knew that trick very well. She tried to think of a proper response, but a knock on the front door drew her attention instead.
“Natalie!”
Ashley ran through the house and threw open the door. Pastor McGuire stood there, hat in hand. The grin on his face instantly dispelled her first fears. “Ethan has found her. She’s safe and should arrive shortly. I can’t stay, as I’m getting the word out to the marshal and his men.”
Ashley hugged the surprised man and tears poured from her face as she stepped back. “Where was she?”
“Clear Creek, just like you suspected. You know her very well.” He tipped his hat and hurried back down the sidewalk. “Ethan’s bringing her home. They shouldn’t be far behind.”
Ashley clutched her hands together. Natalie is safe. She will be home soon. Putting her hand to her forehead, Ashley looked first down the street in one direction and then the other. Nothing. Just Pastor McGuire making his way at a rapid pace to the east.
Remembering her baking and fearing that it might already be burning, Ashley moved back to the kitchen. She was surprised to find her mother pulling the pan of golden sugar cookies from the oven.
“Thank you,” she stated, not at all sure how to deal with her mother. Anger had been the officiator at every adult conversation up until now. The art of forgiving was an unknown factor between them.
“I couldn’t see letting the house fill with smoke.” Her mother’s barriers were all back in place. Ashley would have smiled if not for the fact she knew it would annoy her mother. For all her life, Ashley had never seen the woman do anything this domestic.
“That was Pastor McGuire. He said that Ethan found Natalie and that she’s all right. They should be here soon.”
“I’m glad, Ashley,” her mother said. Then after depositing the cookies, she put the potholders aside.
“Ashley!” Lavelle called. She rushed through the house to the kitchen and took hold of Ashley’s arm. “I just heard that they’ve found Natalie.”
Ashley smiled. “Yes. Yes, they did and she’s safe.”
“Oh, that is good news,” Lavelle replied. “Is it not, sister?”
Leticia eyed Ashley and Lavelle with a blank expression. “I’ve already told her I was glad. Now I wish to go rest.”
“Rest? But you look as if you’re ready to go out,” Lavelle commented.
“Nevertheless, I’m going to go rest.”
Leticia pushed past them without another word. Ashley shook her head. “I’ve just had the strangest conversation with her. She was actually quite open for a few moments. Now she appears just as she always has. Hard and unreachable.”
Lavelle patted her arm. “Give her time, Ashley. This transition will not be easy for her, and she may even decide not to make it at all.”
“I just don’t understand why she is suddenly willing to even consider it.”
Lavelle shrugged. “It’s hard to tell, and with Letty, I’m sure we won’t receive an explanation. Perhaps upon losing Father, she’s come to realize life is too short to act in such a cruel manner. Maybe her conscience is getting the better of her. We’ve prayed she might come to understand the truth—perhaps in time she will.”
Ashley stared past Lavelle and through the dining area. “Even this morning, when I said what I did about her disdaining God . . . I’m ashamed to admit it but I meant the words, Lavelle. Isn’t that awful? How could I say something so hideous and still expect God to love me?”
Lavelle reached out and hugged Ashley close. “Child, we all do awful things. We fail to care when we should and we worry too much when we oughtn’t. Don’t forget to forgive yourself as you work on learning to forgive her.”
Ashley pulled away. “I’ll try to remember that.”
A noise at the front of the house caught her attention, and Ashley rushed to the front door and found Ethan dismounting a tall black horse. He wrapped the reins around her fence post, then took Natalie—their precious daughter—in his arms and carried her up the walkway.
“Oh, Natalie!” Ashley cried as she crossed the distance to greet them. She sobbed as she reached out to touch her daughter’s face. Immediately she spied the lump on her forehead and the cuts. “Oh, you’re hurt.” Ashley’s tears flowed in torrents.
“I’m sorry, Mama. I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Natalie looked as if she might burst into tears herself. “Please don’t cry.”
“Oh, sweetie, I can’t help it. I’m so happy to have you home. Ethan, I’ll take her. Would you see to Penny and send for the doctor?”
“Doctor’s already on his way,” Ethan replied. “I’ll carry Natalie up to
her bed and then tend to the horses.”
Ashley nodded and opened the door for them. Ethan took the stairs quickly with Ashley right on his heels. Lavelle only smiled at them as they passed by.
Ethan gently placed Natalie on the bed and turned to leave the room. Ashley was standing only inches behind him, however, and the movement caused him to reach out to her in order to balance himself. Ashley felt an electrical charge surge through her body at his touch, but she tried to appear calm and collected.
“Sorry,” he murmured.
“Don’t be,” Ashley said, looking deep into his eyes. “Thank you, Ethan. Thank you for finding her.” She reached her arms around his neck and hugged him close. At first Ethan stood like a statue, refusing to hold her, but after she held on to him for several moments, he finally returned her embrace.
She finally let him go, but not without placing a kiss upon his bearded face. Who was this man—her husband? Would they have a future? Could they remake their life together? The questions overwhelmed her, threatening to steal her focus from what she needed to do for the moment.
“Let me get a basin of water and we’ll clean you up,” Ashley said, looking back to where her daughter lay. Natalie watched her with a worried frown, but Ashley ignored it and went quickly to work.
Returning with the basin and a washcloth and towel, Ashley began stripping away the grime and dust from her daughter’s face and arms.
“I was so afraid,” she said, her voice full of emotion. “I thought I might have lost you forever. I couldn’t believe you were gone.”
“I’m sorry. I was afraid too,” Natalie admitted.
Ashley tenderly washed her daughter’s cuts and scratches. “What happened to get you this lump?”
“I fell off of Penny.” She came quickly to the pony’s defense. “It wasn’t her fault. I was riding her too close to the rocks. She misstepped and I fell and hit my head.”
Ashley nodded. “I’m sure Penny was upset by the situation just as you were.”
“Mama, did you know that Mr. Carson was really my daddy? I mean before you went to talk to him yesterday?”
Ashley straightened. “No, Natalie. I honestly didn’t. There were things about him that reminded me of your daddy, but I thought he was forever lost to us—after all, the government said he was dead. I didn’t figure they made mistakes. I never gave it a single thought that he might be alive.”
Natalie bit at her lip, then questioned, “So are we going to be a family now?”
Ashley had no idea what to say, but she longed to know her daughter’s heart. “What would you like?”
“I don’t know.” Natalie’s voice sounded so frightened and lost.
Ashley hugged her daughter close. “Don’t worry. You don’t have to know. We’ll pray and ask God to show us the right way.”
“But I did pray, see,” Natalie said, pulling away. “I prayed for God to send me a daddy just like my old one. Only instead of one like my old daddy . . .”
“He sent your real daddy—alive and well,” Ashley filled in.
Natalie nodded. “And that changes everything.”
Ashley gently laid her daughter back on the bed. “Why? Why does it change everything?” She needed desperately to understand her daughter’s fears.
“Because it’s not the same. I won’t be the same person. Everybody’s so nice to me because my daddy was a war hero.”
“He’s still a war hero, Natalie.”
“Yes, but they thought he was dead.”
Ashley shrugged. “We all did. Why does that change anything?”
Natalie shook her head. “I don’t know.” Exasperation filled her voice. “It’s just different. I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
Ashley was rather surprised by her daughter’s reaction. “I suppose what will happen is that we’ll all talk together and figure out what God has planned for us. Seems like God wouldn’t have brought us all together if He hadn’t meant for us to stay that way, though.”
“Will they still let me decorate the graves of the veterans? Will I get to ride in the parades on Decoration Day?”
Ashley suddenly realized the heart of the situation. Her daughter’s identity was at stake. “I’m sure they will, Natalie. As I said, you’re still the daughter of a great war hero. Your daddy saved the lives of hundreds of men by risking his own life. But you know what?”
Natalie shook her head.
“I imagine,” Ashley continued, “that the men who went out to look for you today—all those veterans who think so highly of you and took their Sunday to go out across the desert as part of the search party—won’t care if your daddy is alive or not. They just love you because of who you are. They love you just for being Natalie Reynolds.”
“That’s what Mr. Car . . .” She frowned and drew a deep breath. “That’s what Daddy said.”
Ashley smiled. “He was always a very smart man.”
Natalie seemed to ponder her words for a moment before adding, “He’s a nice man too.”
“Yes, he is. He’s very nice.”
****
The doctor came and pronounced Natalie no worse for the wear. He admonished her for giving the town a fright and suggested she just might have to share her sugar cookies with him. She in turn told her mother to be sure to share her cookies with the doctor. Which Ashley did quite happily.
The doctor had gone and Ashley was tucking Natalie into bed when her mother came into the room unannounced.
“So what did the doctor say?” her mother asked rather gruffly.
Natalie eyed her grandmother with a worrisome frown while Ashley took up the plate of cookie crumbs. “He said she’s fine, but she should rest.”
“I see.” Leticia looked as if she might like to say something more, then turned to go. Stopping just outside the door, she turned back around. “I’m glad you’re all right, Natalie.” She exited then as quickly as she’d come.
Ashley looked at her daughter and smiled. “I think that was Grandmother’s way of saying she loves you. But don’t tell her you know,” she said in a whisper. “She’d rather people think her strong and capable of doing everything without having to love anybody at all.” Natalie giggled and Ashley thought she’d never heard a more pleasant sound in all her life.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Wednesday afternoon the friends and family of Russell Whitman filed into Faith Mission Church to pay their last respects. Ashley was pleased to see such a large turnout. She’d known her grandfather was well loved, but it warmed her heart to see the proof. Grandpa wouldn’t have wanted them to be maudlin and downcast, but rather he would have wanted a sense of celebration. He had gone to a better place, and therefore his last wishes had been that there would be laughter and positive stories about his life.
Ashley couldn’t help getting a little teary at times, however. Pastor McGuire did a wonderful job of speaking on Grandpa’s life. Several times he mentioned Grandpa’s generosity to the townspeople, and Ashley glanced back slightly to see nods of affirmation.
Over and over she looked at the shiny pine casket where Grandpa’s body lay. The casket remained closed, as was Grandpa’s wish, but Ashley’s mother and aunt had paid for a huge spray of white carnations and red roses to be placed upon it. Ashley had remembered Grandpa’s wish for no flowers, so she had talked to Natalie, and they’d agreed they would purchase a plant instead and keep it alive in memory of Grandpa. Natalie asked if she could keep the plant in her room, and Ashley had agreed.
Oh, Grandpa, you’ll be so missed, Ashley thought. So many times I think of things I’d like to say to you. I’d like to have your advice about Ethan and about Mother. . . . You would be so good with explaining about forgiveness and how to keep from being bitter about the past. And you’d keep me from losing my temper with Mother. I know I can pray now and talk to God, but having you here was much more comforting.
He’s only gone from earth, Ashley reminded herself. He’s in heaven, healthy and well, with a
new body. It pained her to think of how the sickness had ravaged him. He’d wasted away to nothing, and Ashley knew he didn’t want to be remembered that way. She found herself fighting to block those images. It had been hard to lose Grandpa, but it would have been harder still to see him linger with the cancer.
Ashley reached out and squeezed her daughter’s hand. Thank you, Lord, that she’s here and safe. Thank you that we’re not having two funerals. The thought caused Ashley to shudder. How tragic it could have all been. She knew God had looked out for her child, but still the memories caused her grief. But what if there’s a next time? Ashley knew they were in for a long journey together before they’d ever feel like a true family. What if Natalie could never accept Ethan as her father? What if she ran away again?
Oh, Lord, help us. It’s so hard for Natalie to understand what’s happened. It’s hard for me to understand as well. I’m so new to this whole thing of faith. Do you love me less if I find it hard to trust you? For so many years, I’d convinced myself you didn’t care. I feel like a scared child, wanting to trust and believe that it will all be well . . . but knowing from experience that bad things could still come my way.
Ashley looked past Natalie to Ethan. She wondered if he struggled with the future as much as she did. They were married. They would celebrate their twelfth anniversary in the spring. Twelve years of marriage . . . and only a few months of actually being together.
Folks probably wondered why he had joined them in the family pew. Then again, gossip had no trouble making the rounds in Winslow. By now there were bound to be many folks who knew the truth and just as many who’d embellished the truth. Sooner or later they’d know for sure what had happened. Especially if Marcus Greeley had anything to do about it. He still planned to write his book, and now more than ever, he had plans for devoting a thick chapter to Ethan and all that had happened.
[Desert Roses 02] - Across the Years Page 26
