by Hazel Kelly
Unfortunately, that thought made me miss him all over again, even though he was right beside me, chatting up my parents like he'd known them for years.
“Carter's looking particularly delicious today,” Sadie whispered to me in the pew while the rest of the wedding guests talked amongst themselves.
I shot her a look, hoping she’d pick up on the fact that I didn't want to gossip about him when he was only a foot away.
“Did you guys work everything out?”
I scrunched my face. “Yes and no.”
She raised her eyebrows.
“Between you and me, he's doing me a favor by being here.”
“He's doing us all a favor by being here.” She leaned forward and checked him out.
“Stop it.”
“You seem happy.”
“I am,” I said. “I'm just worried it's only temporary.”
She scoffed.
“What?”
She glanced over her shoulder at Amadou, who was studying the twine-bound ceremony pamphlet, before leaning in closer and dropping her voice. “He doesn't look at you like it's temporary.”
“Don't be fooled by his charm.”
“Trust me,” she said. “I've had enough guys look at me like it's temporary to know there's a difference in the way he looks at you.”
“He really hurt me, though. I'm afraid if I let him back in so easily, he might do it again.”
“Seems to me he's already in…with your folks, at least.”
I peeked behind me just long enough to confirm that my dad and Carter were still engaged in their gripping conversation about drinks named after golfers.
“Besides,” Sadie said, “caution and love don't mix well. They’re like water and oil. You can have caution or you can have love, but if you try for both, you'll only end up making a mess.”
“I'm only interested in a little bit of caution,” I said, pinching the air with two fingers. “Just enough to protect myself.”
“Then you can forget about love,” she said. “It's risky business through and through.”
I bit my lip.
“That's like saying you want to go to the casino and gamble with caution. It's a laughable idea. You're either gambling or you’re not. There is no in between.”
“And if he hurts me again?”
She shrugged. “At least you'll have given this thing a chance. Beats living with regret, don't you think? Always wondering what would've happened if you’d decided to forgive and forget?”
I cast my eyes down at the pamphlet in my hands, which I’d unconsciously rolled into a tight tube. I released my grip on it and smoothed it against my lap before looking back at her. “I didn't know you were such a romantic.”
“I'm not. I'm a realist.” She leaned forward for another glimpse of Carter. “And I know something real when I see it.”
The murmurs picked up in the church and everyone turned towards the door of the small white chapel prematurely. Again.
“What the heck is taking so long?” I whispered to Sadie.
“I know, right? Let's get this show on the road so we can pop some corks already.”
I turned back towards the front of the church and admired the pretty pink and white flowers adorning the steps before eavesdropping on the conversation Carter was having beside me.
“And are your parents still married?” my dad asked, his forehead wrinkling with concentration.
“Dad, I really don't think that's any of your business.”
“It's okay,” Carter said, touching my arm gently before addressing my dad again. “Yeah, they're still married,” he continued. “Sometimes they're even happy about it.”
My dad laughed, and I felt my chest loosen.
“So you believe in marriage?”
Christ.
“I do,” Carter said, causing my whole body to erupt in chills. “Though I don't think it's right for everyone.”
“Do you think it will be right for you?” my mom asked, failing to sound casual.
I leaned back against the pew and prayed for the music to start.
“If that's what Nina wants.”
What?! I snapped my head towards Carter.
“Good answer,” my dad said approvingly, flanked by my mom's enthusiastic smile.
“Which isn't to say I deserve her,” Carter added. “I don't, sir. Not yet, anyway.”
My lips fell apart. This was not happening.
“I intend to be worthy of her hand someday, though,” he said. “Maybe in a few years after we've both graduated and started working.”
“Excuse us for a moment,” I said, grabbing Carter's arm and twisting his body towards me. “What are you doing?!” I hissed under my breath.
“Chatting with your parents.”
I dropped my chin. “Carter.”
“What?”
“That topic doesn't exactly qualify as small talk,” I said. “Why would you say those things?”
“You said I needed to be ready to field questions about my intentions with you.”
“I know, but- wait- what?”
He dropped his voice to a whisper. “Why are you freaking out right now?”
“Because,” I said, hearing the exasperation in my own voice, “don't you realize how disappointed they're going to be when they find out none of that stuff is true.”
“But it is true.”
“Excuse me?”
“Those are my intentions,” he said. “To become the man of your dreams and spend the rest of my life spoiling you rotten.”
I blinked at him through my veil. “Are you being serious right now?”
He nodded. “I've been thinking a lot about this.”
I swallowed.
“And I know I only asked you for one more night, but that's not going to be enough.” He set his hand over mine and tightened his grip around my fingers. “It'll never be enough.”
I parted my lips to speak, but music spilled from the organ before I came up with something to say.
And when everyone stood up and faced the door, I just sat there, staring at him, my body charging off the heat of his hand until he helped me to my feet, spun me towards the door, and stood tall behind me…
Ready to catch me if I should fall.
F O R T Y F O U R
- Carter -
Despite all the anxiety Nina's family stoked in her, she really lit up around them. It was actually pretty incredible to witness.
As I watched her work the room, I could feel the warm affection in her eyes as she surprised her grandma with another gin, the joy in her laugh as she twirled one of her younger cousins on the dance floor, and the shortness of her breath as she laughed until she cried with her favorite bridesmaid.
I already knew she was magnetic, but it was like all the things I loved about her were intensified by the environment or, perhaps, the occasion. Whatever it was, I wanted to be a source of that positive energy for her. I wanted her to look at me with the same heartfelt appreciation that she clearly had for all these people.
And I understood that now more than ever.
Even when she was quietly crying at the maid of honor's speech, she was laughing through her tears, and when I handed her my handkerchief, her eyes were full of a hopeful resilience that inspired every part of me.
I knew in that moment that there were only two ways this thing could go. Either she would give me another chance, and I would do everything in my power to earn her trust again, to earn her love, to make her happy.
Or she wouldn't, and she would always be the one that got away.
The thought of the latter made me feel sick. Not only because I hated the idea of losing the comfort of her company, but because the more time we spent together, the more I realized she was one in a million.
Unfortunately, she hadn't mentioned the conversation in the church since it happened, so I didn't know if my forwardness had put her off or set her at ease. Regardless, it was the truth, and she deserved that from me going
forward without exception.
Even if it scared the living daylights out of me to admit how much I cared about her.
After all, I always thought love was a silly thing, an unfortunate condition that made my frat brothers dumber than usual, sappier. Even Logan, who could be painfully serious at times, was so infected by it there was nothing goofy he wouldn't do to make Zoey smile.
But I understood now that love wasn't the silly thing it pretended to be. On the contrary, it was deceptively serious. Frighteningly so. It scared the shit out of me how much I liked Nina. It scared the shit out of me how crazy I was for her, the lengths I would go to in order to protect her or make her laugh.
Honestly, there was nothing funny about it. I cared about her happiness so much it made me nauseous. And yet, if there was a cure for this feeling, I wasn't interested. I liked the pain I felt from loving her this much. It felt good. Important. Better than living with the absence of that ache.
Even the smile that lifted her face when she realized the thin jammy layer in the wedding cake was raspberry instead of strawberry made my heart swell so suddenly it felt like I'd been defibrillated. As if her smiles were not only life-affirming for me now, but life-giving.
“The look on your face,” I said, unable to hide my amusement as I shook my head and reached for the closest glass of wine.
“This cake has made the whole trip worth it,” she said, her mouth puckering around another tart bite.
A smile tugged at my lips.
“Everything else was a waste of money,” she said, pointing around the room. “The flowers, the dinner, the band. They should've spent it all on more cake.”
I slid my half-eaten slice over to her as she made her last bite disappear.
She lifted her brows.
“Don't say I never gave you anything.”
She pointed her fork at the square slice. “You have about two seconds to rescind this offer before it's too late.”
“Go ahead,” I said, happy to keep watching the way her red lips dragged over her fork, the way her eyelids fluttered as the sugar melted on her tongue. “You need it more than I do.”
“I really think it is need,” she said, pressing the side of her fork through my offering. “Like it's not gluttony. I actually need this cake in my mouth.”
“I can see that.” I downed the rest of my wine and turned towards the dance floor, smiling when I saw Amadou's tall frame skipping in place in the center of the crowd.
“Uh-oh,” Nina said.
“What?”
“You've got that look in your eye like you're desperate to tear it up.”
“Is it that obvious?”
She nodded and dragged her finger across the plate to polish off the last of the white icing.
“Dance with me,” I said, pushing my chair back and extending my hand.
“But I'm so full of cake.”
“The way I see it, you have no choice.”
She craned her neck back. “I beg your pardon.”
“You and I both know my solo moves are too much for this crowd.
“True,” she said. “And you've been such a good date so far. I'd hate to see you spoil everything by splitting your pants, sweating through your shirt, and playing tie guitar on your knees.”
“To be fair, I've never done that last one.”
“No, but I figured you'd have to improvise since there's no beer bong on hand.”
“Oooh. You make a good point.”
She glanced at my hand and then reached for her wine, her eyes on me as she downed it.
“Save me from myself?” I asked, wiggling my upturned fingers at her.
She took my hand and followed me onto the dance floor right as the band slowed things down.
Just my luck, I thought, pulling her to me.
She placed her hand on my shoulder as I slid mine around to her lower back, and when our eyes met again, she blushed. “You really have been a good date.”
“I'm glad,” I said, taking the lead. “You deserve nothing less.”
We swayed silently for a moment before she spoke again.
“Carter?”
“Yeah?”
Her green eyes searched mine. “Earlier, when you said one more night with me would never be enough…what exactly did you mean?”
My stomach clenched. “I meant that one more night without you would be unbearable.”
She looked down, her thick lashes casting shadows on her cheeks.
“I know the last few weeks were all my fault,” I said, lowering my voice. “I know I'm the one who spoiled everything, the one who ruined our whole friends with benefits arrangement, but I hope you know I'm sincere when I tell you I want a second chance.”
She shook her head.
My ribcage tightened.
“I can't give you a second chance.”
I clenched my jaw. Fuck.
“You blew it,” she said. “Royally.”
I tried to hide my disappointment, but my feet turned to lead in my shiny shoes.
“I might give you a first chance, though.”
“What?” I asked, startled by the karmic curve ball.
“Well, I don't want to be friends with benefits anymore,” she said. “So it's pointless to give you a second chance.”
I swallowed.
“But I might be open to giving you a first chance in a different position.”
“Like a more permanent role?”
“Maybe,” she said, her hopeful eyes sparkling up at me.
“Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?”
Her face twisted. “Absolutely not.”
Shit.
“I'm asking you to ask me to be your girlfriend,” she said. “But only if that’s what you really want.”
My chest lifted with relief.
“If I'm what you really want.”
“You are,” I said, taking her cheek in my hand. “I don't want anyone else.”
“Promise?” she asked. “Because if you're not sure, please don't-”
“I'm sure,” I said. “As sure as I am that I don't want you to want anyone else.”
“You don't have to worry about that.”
“I did worry about it, though. I worried about it so much I broke us up in a fit of immature jealously.”
Her brow furrowed. “But there was never anyone else.”
“Never?”
“No,” she said. “Not since you. I mean, I let you think there might be because I didn't want you to think I was just another clingy undergrad who was going to lose her mind over you and ask you to change, but…I was going to tell you.”
“Tell me what?”
“That I didn't want to see anyone else,” she said. “That I didn't want to share you anymore.”
I pulled her close and hugged her head against my chest.
“Don't crush my hat,” she said, squeezing me back.
I leaned away and looked at her. “I'm sorry I'm such an idiot.”
“Admitting it is the first step to recovery.”
My lips curled into a smile. “Nina?”
“Yes?”
“Will you go out with me?” I asked. “Officially and exclusively?”
She pretended to think about it, and nerves coursed through my body.
“I will,” she said finally.
I let out a sigh of a relief. “I'm so happy I could play tie guitar.”
“Please don't.”
“Maybe a private show later?” I flashed my eyebrows.
“I hope we'll be too busy doing boyfriend-girlfriend stuff for you to play with your tie.”
“Boyfriend-girlfriend stuff?” I said, trying to keep a straight face. “I'm intrigued. What exactly does that entail?”
She rose up on her toes to whisper in my ear. “Take me upstairs, and I'll show you.”
F O R T Y F I V E
- Nina -
As soon as the elevator doors closed, Carter stepped into my personal space and fixed his blue eyes on
me.
I looked back at him through my fishnet veil, my guts clenching when his high dimple creased.
“I can't wait anymore,” he said, folding the veil back carefully.
“So don't,” I said. “Orange Reese’s kiss me already.”
He didn't waste a second before he crushed his lips to mine, kissing me with a contagious hunger that tasted of raspberries and white wine.
I wrapped a hand around his neck and leaned my hips against his, bending back in his arms as he kissed me deeper, both of us ignoring his hat when it fell to the ground and even the elevator door when it opened on our floor…until it started to shut again.
He stuck a hand out to keep it from closing and stole a few more kisses from me before pushing it back open.
I picked up his hat and put a hand on the wall to catch my breath, fearful that I was too dizzy to walk, and before I knew it, he'd scooped me into his arms and started down the hall.
“What service!” I said, swinging my heels as he brought me to our room, my arm wrapped around his strong shoulders.
I dug the keycard out of my purse and waved it over the latch as soon as we stopped in front of our door, my hips dipping as he used one of his hands to let us in.
The door hadn't even swung shut before he had me pressed up against the wall again, his fingers tangled in the hair at the base of my neck.
“My hat,” I said between kisses. “I have to take my hat off.”
He dropped his lips to my neck and dragged his nose against the column of my throat. “Keep it on,” he said, smoothing a hand down my waist.
“Not a chance,” I said, pushing past him. “I'll only be a second.” I hurried to the bathroom, flicked the light on, and began pulling out every stupid bobby pin I could find.
“I thought the suspense was already built!” he said from the bedroom.
“I'm sorry,” I said into the mirror. “I just can't bear these pins in my scalp anymore and-” My mouth fell open when he appeared in the doorway behind me wearing nothing but his boxers and his top hat. “That was fast.”
He shrugged. “What can I say. I'm the kind of guy that likes to hang his suits.”
