I fight to wake up. My eyes won’t open no matter how hard I try. Reaching for Blake, I quickly figure out that my arms won’t work either. I can hear him, though. He’s right next to me.
“Alex,” I can feel his lips quivering against my ear. “Where are you, baby? Open your eyes.” The second the words leave his mouth, my heart shatters. Those words. Those dreaded phrases, the same ones I used before Derek passed, absolutely shatter my heart. I know first-hand the fear and pain that he’s experiencing right now, and there’s not a goddamn thing I can do about it.
I fight to stay awake, but it’s no use. The more I struggle, the further his voice is from my ear…
When I come to again, I know I’m in a different place. I still can’t open my eyes or move my body, but there is a stillness...a peace that is a complete contrast to what I just experienced. There’s a presence surrounding me, but I can’t see it. It’s separate from my body, yet it seems to be intertwined with me somehow.
It’s…familiar.
Before long, I hear a calm voice speaking to me from my own mind.
“I’m running out of miracles here, Alex. I don’t have much time.”
Derek.
His voice is clear enough, but I have to focus to hear it.
“Listen, I need you to be brave. I saved your son, but I can’t save you too. As much as you don’t want to, you have got to stop fighting. They’re operating right now, but your body is trying to stop them. If you don’t give into it, the surgeon can’t help you. I can’t help you. Your body is rejecting every intervention and there will come a time, soon, when you won’t have enough blood left to stay alive. You have to let go, it’s the only way you’ll survive.”
I can’t, Derek. I lost you because I let go.
From somewhere deep within my cognizance, I can still feel Harlow prying my fingers from around his arms.
Derek releases a deep, audible exhale. “No you didn’t, Alex. You have to rid yourself of that guilt. You had no control over what happened. It was just my time. You have to let that go. Let it all go.”
I can tell he’s trying to hurry but I don’t know what to do.
How do I just let go? I’m scared.
“You need to focus, Alex. Focus on what you love.”
Before long, images of my life come at me from every direction in my mind. With each flash of my memory, I find growing courage.
Rylie, running in the grass, giggling as she turns to me…
Kyndall, with her arms wrapped around my waist, looking up at me and laughing…
Nycole, sitting next to me, with a smile on her face, telling me about her day…
My unborn child, his hiccups inside my stomach making me laugh…
Blake, his green eyes full of love and compassion, giving me courage…
Derek, a hazy form walking towards me as he speaks…
“The love we share knows no bounds, Alex. It’s because of that love that I’m able to watch over you, Blake and the girls, and now your son. I watch because there are some things you can’t control. You need to understand and accept that. Let yourself live your life, because otherwise you’re just wasting precious time.”
Sometimes I hate that you know me so well.
His laughter reverberates around inside my head.
“I’m just telling you something you already know but clearly still need to hear. Alex, I’m here. I will always be here, guiding you exactly where you need to be. The rest, the unimportant stuff…just let it go. Live your life without fear, and love with no regret. That’s the way it should be. But you have to stop struggling against everything, starting right now.”
All humor disappears from his tone with his last statement and I know he’s serious. This is serious.
I know. I will.
“I love you, Alex, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I hope not to see you again for a very long time.”
I love you, too.
Just like that…he’s gone.
And for the first time since losing Derek, I allow myself to just let go.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
I hear a soft tapping, and after taking one last long look at my wife, I head over to answer the door. Reaching my hand for the knob, I’m almost taken out as its thrown wide open by one Harlow Reed. The door ricochets loudly off of my boots, and I find myself wondering why the hell she even bothered knocking at all. Bull in a goddamn china shop.
I rake my hand through my hair, pulling it slightly out of frustration. “Harlow, damn it, she’s sleeping.” Glancing over at Alex to make sure the noise hasn’t disturbed her, I’m overcome with feelings of pure inadequateness. I’m completely incapable of doing anything to help her, and watching the signs of struggle in her features as she sleeps, I find myself wanting to punch through the ugly, plain ass walls that I’ve been staring at since this morning. There’s not a thing in the world that I wouldn’t give to trade places with her. To take away every shred of pain she must be experiencing right now. I can’t even begin to imagine.
Harlow rushes to her side, raising her hand to Alex’s hair, smoothing it with a light touch. Red curly hair stacked in some weird shape on top of her head, wearing a light blue Tarheels sweatshirt and navy track pants, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her dressed so comfortably. “How’s she holding up? She looks like shit.”
My defenses automatically kick in. “Well, I’m pretty sure you’d look like shit too if you took a tumble down the stairs, had a baby ripped from your womb, lost gallons of blood, as well as your whole goddamn uterus in the process. Give her a fucking break.” Irritation spreads throughout my body like a wildfire. My hands are shaking, and I can feel my voice trembling as I speak. This whole fucking situation pisses me off and having Harlow here isn’t helping matters, not in the least.
“Whoa, easy there cowboy.” Harlow turns in my direction. As soon as we lock gazes, I recognize the fear filling her green eyes and I let out a deep breath. I guess we’re all a little on edge right now.
“Sorry, I’m just…There’s nothing I can do. I’ve been here all day watching her struggle. She’s been fading in and out since she got out of recovery, and every time she does, I lose her. Over and over. Every. Single. Time.” A lump begins to form in my throat out of pure anger and I try to swallow it down, along with every single horrendous thought in my head right now.
“Blake, you need a break. You’re not doing her any good right now. I’ll stay here with her for a bit. Why don’t you get some air and try to relax as much as you can. I know it’s hard, but you need to.” With Harlow’s hand still placed on Alex’s head, I concede her point. Air would do me some good right now.
“Yeah, I think I will. I need to go home and grab some of the stuff for the baby, anyway.” The thought of Alex excitedly packing the overnight bag in preparation causes the knot in my throat to swell. “She’ll want it here when she wakes up. Plus, I need to talk to the girls. Let them know what’s going on.”
Harlow tilts her head and a small, saddened smile barely presents itself on her face. “I’ve got her. You go. Take care of things at home, make sure the girls are okay, and then head back up here when you’re ready.” Removing her hand from Alex’s long brown hair, she takes several steps until she ends up right in front of me. Hands on her hips, she peers into my eyes. “She’s going to be fine, Blake. Our girl’s a fighter. Trust me. She’ll make it. You just need to get your head in a better place, so when she does wake up, you can be strong for her. She’s going to have a hard time when she finds out she won’t be able to have any more children.” She breaks for a light laugh. “Not that she would have wanted to have anymore, but you know her. She gets pissed when shit is out of her control, and well, losing her uterus…kind of not her decision.”
“We had no choice, Harlow. She would’ve bled out if they hadn’t removed it.” Moisture threatening to fall from my eyes, I raise my hands and scrub my face out of pure frustration.
“I know, Blake. She’ll understand eventually. Leaving the girls, leaving you, out of the question for her, but that still doesn’t mean it won’t come as a shock.” Harlow latches her fingers around my wrists, pulling my hands away from my face. “Got it?” she adds, arching her brows.
I nod my head. Harlow Reed. One crazy ass chick, but a damn good friend.
“Alright, I’m going. Who’s with the girls? Are they at home?” Harlow releases her death grip, affirming with a dip of her head. “Tatum’s with them. We haven’t told them anything, really. They just know she’s here and that you’re here with her. Most likely, they just think she had the baby. It’s up to you how in-depth you want to go into it with them.”
Well, I fought like hell to be a part of their lives; I’m not gonna pussy foot and flake out when it comes to this. It’s my job, as their father figure, to be honest with them. And I plan to be.
No matter how difficult the truths are to tell.
The entire drive home, I deliver the news to them about a hundred different ways in my mind. There’s no easy way to break it to the girls, but they need to know why the baby won’t be coming home immediately, and why they won’t be able to see Alex right away. I know they’ll be scared; hell, they already lost one parent. The chance that they could have lost the other will most likely throw them for one hell of a tailspin.
Pulling into the driveway, I leave the keys in the ignition for a couple of minutes and reign in my thoughts. My jaw hurts from grinding my molars for eight hours straight, the tension increasing ten-fold on the way home, but this is my first “speech” with the girls and I want to make sure I deliver it well.
After a couple more run-throughs, I grab the keys and exit the Suburban, making my way towards the front porch. Before I’m even to the door, it opens and in its wake are three, wide-eyed beauties standing right in front of me, obviously anticipating their mother and a new bundle of joy. My heart damn near crashes in my chest when the smiles disappear from their faces and tears begin to form in their eyes. I’m sure they can see that something’s not right written all over my face.
Tatum appears right behind them, and ushers the girls back into the living room, quickly exiting to our bedroom, obviously understanding the gravity of the situation. As I step inside, the first thing I see is that fucking red replacement lamp from when I lost my temper with Alex just months ago. Goddamn.
She will come home…I repeat these words over and over in my mind. All thoughts cease when I happen to cast my stare down to see the girls all looking up at me, their eyes asking questions to which I really have no answers.
With three panic-stricken faces standing in front of me, I do the manliest thing possible. I crouch down and gather them in my arms, placing my chin on Rylie’s tiny shoulder, and hold them tight as tears stream down my face. These girls have been through so much. Raising my hand, I quickly wipe the waterworks so they won’t see. No reason to scare them more than they already are.
Once my face is dry, I release them and they take a small step back, not out of panic, but to meet my eyes. I can tell they’re trying to read me, all three of them.
Smart, just like their mother.
Nycole in the center, protectively places her arms around her sisters, ready to step back into her motherly role. My throat constricts. I attempt to swallow, and after inhaling and exhaling deeply, my eyes move to each set of theirs before I begin.
“Girls, your mom’s okay, but there was an accident.” I take a break to let them absorb my words, and once I feel they’ve wrapped their minds around it, I continue.
“After you left with Grandma Nancy this morning, she went upstairs and when coming back down, she tripped.” Rylie gasps and takes off towards the stairs. She runs all the way up the steps, and when she reaches the top, she lets out a loud cry.
“Tatum!” I yell from where I’m still stooped in front of Nycole and Kyndall.
Tatum barely pokes her head out of our bedroom, her black hair falling forward, her crystal clear blue eyes filled with worry. I jerk my head to the stairs. “Can you check on Rylie? I’ll be there in a minute.” After a quick nod of her head, I watch her quickly dart up the steps and hear her attempts to comfort a now wailing Rylie. Once she quiets down a bit, I refocus on the other two. Locking my eyes with theirs I continue, because I want them to know that I am here, and I will be here, for them always.
“Your mom had to be rushed to the hospital, and the baby had to be taken out of her tummy so that they would be safe, but they are fine, both of them. Your mom’s still sleeping from her surgery, and the baby is in the care of very good doctors and nurses who are going to make sure he stays okay. I know you’re scared, girls, but everything’s going to be alright.” Kyndall’s chin starts to quiver. I bring her to my chest and she places her head in my neck, letting the tears fall into a steady stream onto my shirt.
Rubbing soothing circles on her back, she remains there while I look up at Nycole. I can tell she’s trying to be strong, God love her. Extending my arm toward her, I reach for her hand, and when she takes it, I squeeze it tightly. “She’s going to be fine, Nyc. I won’t let anything happen to her,” I reassure her. I have to be strong for them.
Tenderly, she releases my hand, and bends at her waist so that she’s right in front of my face. “I know, Blake. You’ll bring her back.” She leans in, puts her arm around my neck, and standing right next to her sister, she simply whispers in my ear, “I know you will. I love you, Blake. Thank you.”
Well, damn. There’s no escaping the tears now. I hold the girls as tightly in my arms as I can. “I love you too, girls.”
After a couple of seconds of silence, there are absolutely no words for this moment, I release them and stand. I graze Kyndall’s chin with my knuckle. “Chin up. She’s going to be home very soon, don’t you worry.” Her blue-grey eyes, still filled with tears, relax with my words.
Nycole places her arm around her. “Come on, Kyndall, she’ll be okay. Let’s go make some stuff for the baby…for when he gets home.” Nycole’s eyes widen with obvious excitement. “We can totally decorate his room with welcome home signs! I’ll even let you use my glitter.” With that, Kyndall smiles. I watch them head up the stairs and take in another deep breath.
“Blake!” Tatum yells. “Rylie would really like to talk to you!”
I turn, and after taking two steps at a time, I stop halfway up the stairs after finding myself greeted by a beautiful tear streaked face, being consoled by her sisters and Tatum. When her big brown eyes meet mine, Rylie jumps up and runs to meet me where I stand. She throws her tiny arms around my waist and begins to sob. “Oh, Blake! It’s horrible. Mommy is gonna hate me! Forever!” she howls.
Reaching behind my back, I break the curiously strong hold she has on me, bringing her arms to the front of my body and squat down in front of her. Placing both of my hands on the sides of her face, I smooth away the spiral locks clinging to the tears on her cheeks.
“Rylie, breathe baby. Deep breaths,” I say as she continues to cry. Tipping her head back so that she’s forced to look at me, she does as I say, bringing deep breaths in through her nose, letting them escape through her mouth.
“Rylie, what’s wrong, sweetheart?” Her mouth shuts tightly and her dimples appear as her lips thin themselves, her internal debate as to whether or not to tell me evident.
“Tatum, girls, can you give us a second, please?” Shuffling feet and small steps tell me they’re gone, but I don’t dare break my eyes away from Rylie’s. “Okay, they’re gone. You can talk to me now.”
She looks away, slowly turning her body away from mine, her little finger pointing towards the top step. Where a lone goddamn roller skate sits.
“Mommy told me. She told me to put it away before someone got hurt. And I didn’t. Now she’s hurt, all because of me!” She whips around and plants her face right under my jaw. Just as I did with Kyndall, I soothe her by running my hand down her curly,
brown hair and rubbing circles on her back. “Shh, Rylie, shh. It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not! Not at all!” She continues crying. Placing my hands on her shoulders, I pry her away from my chest and drop my face into her line of sight. She glances away, but eventually, I latch my eyes with hers and she raises her head as I raise mine.
“Rylie, sweetheart, it was an accident. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do it on purpose, did you?”
She emphatically shakes her head from side to side. “No!”
“Well, that’s what I thought. Baby, it was just an accident. She won’t be upset with you.” I raise my eyebrows and tip my head, to emphasize my next point. “But, this is why your mother and I tell you to pick up your things. It’s not because we want to be mean ol’ parents, but because someone could get very hurt. Do you understand?”
Sniffling, she raises her arm and wipes her tears with her sleeve. “Yes, sir.” I pull her into me so quickly that she loses her balance and barrels into my chest. Wrapping her up in a tight bear hug, I lift her feet off the ground as I stand up. She giggles the entire time. Swinging her back and forth, I give her one last squeeze before setting her back down.
Taking her by the hand, we walk up the rest of the stairs towards the top, together. “Now, what do we do when we hurt someone on accident?”
“We tell them we’re sorry.”
“That’s right.” Rylie bends over to pick up her skate. “So, when you see your mommy, which will be very soon, just tell her you’re sorry. That will make her very happy.”
She looks up at me and smiles, quarter-sized holes in her cheeks. “It will?”
“Yes, Rylie, it will. And do you want to know what would make her even happier?” Her eyes fill with excitement and a grin breaks across my face in response.
“What?”
“You should tell her your big secret. I think that would make her very, very happy.”
“Okay, I will, Blake. But first, I’m gonna go put my skate up before someone else gets hurt.” I watch her skip her way to her room and then turn to start towards mine.
Recovery Page 8
