“Hannah, I want that too, but maybe now isn’t the best time. I’ve been getting parts, yes, but only small ones. I’m not making enough to take care of a family. The parts I’m getting aren’t really any good. I take them because I need the money and screen credits. I’m keep telling myself that I need to be patient and that something good will come my way soon. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not any good and I need to give this up.”
“John, please!” He was prone to self-doubt, so this wasn’t uncharacteristic of him, but I was becoming exasperated. It seemed as if we were always returning to this same place. “You’re forgetting that I’ll work, too. I done one movie score already and I’m sure I can get more, especially out there. You are an amazing actor, John. It just takes time for directors and producers to see enough of you to realize that.”
“Why don’t we wait until next summer and see how things are then? It’s still six months away.” I let the subject drop then. I hoped in that time, he would land a good part or something would happen to put his mind at ease.
I was set to have a pretty depressing Christmas. I didn’t have time to go to California and John decided he couldn’t afford to come back East. Then, Debbie Halpern phoned me to invite me to Christmas dinner at her apartment. “Bring a cheesecake for dessert, will you? From that bakery there on 32nd Street … or is it 33rd? Tony’s going to be here…”
“I cut her off. “Then no. I don’t want to see him. I don’t like him.”
“Oh, come on. He likes you. He’s been asking about you. I invited him because he doesn’t have any family here. They’re all in England.”
“No, I….” I stopped. Suddenly, it didn’t seem so bad that Tony would be there. “OK, Debbie. I’ll be there…yes, at two o’clock…with the cheesecake…thank you, Debbie, for thinking of me.”
I was glad to see there weren’t many guests at Debbie’s. I just didn’t feel like dealing with a lot of people. Besides Tony and me, there was her twin brother David, an oddly uncommunicative man who would answer questions put to him, but never spoke first to anyone or volunteered anything. Whenever I saw him at Debbie’s, he always sat listening to music or the TV with headphones, shutting out everything around him. I had been able to get out of him that he worked as an accountant, but little else. Neither he nor Debbie had ever been married, so all either of them had in the way of family here in New York was the other. I suppose that is why they put up with each other even though they oftentimes bickered and didn’t seem to even like each other. Lastly, there was Debbie’s boyfriend George, a stocky man who looked to be around fifty. He owned a trucking company; a fairly successful one, judging from the high quality of his clothes and shoes. He was friendly enough, but I struggled to understand his thick German accent.
After Debbie made sure we all had a cocktail, Tony sidled up to me and said, “Hard luck about the Philharmonic.” He jerked his thumb towards Debbie. “She told me. You know she can’t keep anything to herself.”
“It’s disappointing, yes, but maybe it’s time to move on. I’ll probably move back to California when this season is over,” I told him. “I can get work and besides, my family is there.”
“And your boyfriend? He’s there, too, right?” I gave Tony a hard look which he correctly interpreted as notice that I did not want to talk about John with him. “Sorry,” he said, putting his drink down and his hands up in front of him in a mock defensive gesture. “I should have remembered that’s a sore spot for you.”
We stood there a few minutes in awkward silence until Debbie announced that dinner was ready. I noticed that Tony was wearing a dark blue suit and a shirt that was a solid color rather than one of his usual gaudy ones. For the first time I noticed that he wasn’t bad looking, although he still wore too much after shave. I liked his smile and he seemed to flash it at me at every opportunity during the meal.
By the time we got to the cheesecake I’d brought, Debbie had consumed at least three cocktails and two or three glasses of wine and now was busy trying to get George into the bedroom. “Pleese!” he begged, trying to fend off her roving hands. “Vee haff guests! Later, Debbie, pleese.” He looked so uncomfortable, I felt sorry for him. I knew I had to leave the room immediately because if I had to hold back my laughter any longer, I’d explode. David took in this scene for a few moments, then stood, threw his napkin down on the table in disgust, and stalked off with a huff to watch TV in the den. I wondered if the man ever smiled or laughed.
Tony followed me into the kitchen where I had retreated to laugh at Debbie’s antics. While I was there I decided to wrap the leftover food for her and put it away. “Randy wench isn’t she?” he laughed, handing me the cling wrap.
“Oh, she’s just had a bit too much to drink.”
“A bit? Tomorrow she won’t even remember all this and I’ll bet George will wish he didn’t either.”
I put the last dish of leftovers in the fridge, keeping half of what was left of the cheesecake for myself. When I retrieved my coat and bag from the bedroom, Debbie was still trying to get George in the mood.
“Come on, Liebchen. You promised me some for Christmas,” she was saying.
I said goodbye to them, but they probably didn’t hear me. Tony walked with me to the door. “Before you leave…” Without finishing the sentence, he cupped my chin in his right hand and kissed me. Before I could say anything in response to this impertinence, he showed me the sprig of mistletoe he held in the fingers of his left. “It is an English custom after all,” he smiled.
***
I talked to John again over the holidays, but I avoided bringing up future plans. I just wanted to talk to him and hear his voice. I wasn’t up to arguing. His latest film was going to be released in January and we talked mostly about that. I took another opportunity then to try to reassure him about his career. I reminded him that the parts he was landing were getting better and better, hoping that he would see it as a positive sign and have a little more confidence.
In late January, I decided to try again to get John to talk with me seriously about a future together. I was afraid to make any definite plans without some commitment from him. Much to my frustration, he hadn’t changed his mind at all. He was still convinced that he wasn’t ready to settle down just yet. “Just a little while longer, maybe one or two years more,” he said. When I tried to pin him down, he abruptly changed the subject. Those images of him with other women that I thought I had banished began resurfacing. Why else would he be brushing me off, I wondered. I still loved him so much; I wasn’t ready to give up on him that quickly. It saw it was useless to push further, so I shelved the issue and decided to take it up again later, when he would have had more time to think it over.
In the meantime, Tony continued to phone me and ask me out. He wanted to be my agent, he said and promised he could arrange a concert tour for me in the United Kingdom and maybe even Europe. A concert tour! What musician wouldn’t be excited by that idea? I found myself suspended between two possible futures – one, back in California with John, the other – on a concert tour with Tony. I had no idea of how I was going to reconcile them or if not, how I would choose between them.
In late March, things between John and me finally came to a head. I told him about the possibility of a concert tour that would take me out of the country for months. I even dangled Tony in front of him; gushing on and on about how he was going to be my agent, hoping perhaps to spark a little jealousy. “But I’d forget about all that to be with you, John. A tour would be wonderful, but what I want more than anything is to be back with you,” I told him.
“Then let’s talk about it as soon as you get back from the tour. I don’t want you to miss out on such an opportunity; and as soon as I start getting better parts, it will be the right time to settle down, have a family, all of it.”
That was exactly what I did not want to hear. I lost my temper. “As soon as, as soon as! If I hear that phrase from you one more time, John Eaton, I swear…” I was lost for words.
“If you don’t love me anymore, if you’ve been seeing someone else, just tell me. I’ll deal with it.”
For a few seconds, he said nothing. Then he said, “Hannah, you have no idea how wrong you are.” I could hear the hurt and anger in his voice. “All these years we’ve known each other and still you don’t know me at all. You really disappoint me.”
“Oh? Well, you disappoint me, John. You disappoint me and you hurt me. I thought you loved me enough to want me by your side. You don’t? Fine; I’m going to go on the tour and whether we see each other again afterward will be up to you.” I then slammed the phone down, little knowing how later, I would have given everything I had, my life even, to take back that moment.
The next time I saw Tony, I told him that I wanted to go on the tour and he said he would begin right away to make the arrangements. We discussed a repertoire and agreed to a mix of popular and classical pieces and perhaps some jazz standards as well. The pieces would be chosen for each date specific to the audience and venue. As Tony walked me home he said, “You don’t look very happy. Having second thoughts already?”
“No. I’m just thinking of how to tell my family. They were planning on seeing me this summer.”
“Anyone else?” I knew he meant John, but didn’t dare to ask directly.
“Do you mean my boyfriend? Well, don’t worry about that because I haven’t got one anymore.” I tried to laugh, but it was all I could do to keep my voice from breaking. “Yes, that’s right. We broke up.”
Just then, we reached my building and entered the vestibule. Tony leaned down close to my ear and said, “Now, don’t get upset with me for saying so, but the bloke’s an idiot for trotting off to California and leaving you here. If he really loved you, he would never have left you behind. Forget about him and just think about the tour. I’ve already been working on a tentative date in Cologne for this fall.
As the spring progressed, I continued to plan for the tour. I acquired a passport and arranged to put what belongings I wasn’t taking into storage. I didn’t allow myself to think about John. I just stuffed my feelings down as far and as deep as I could so I wouldn’t have to deal with them. I even bought a telephone answering machine to screen my calls because I was afraid that if I were to hear John’s voice just once, I’d break down and throw the tour and everything to the wind. He did phone four or five times, but I ignored the calls until the last one. I just had to call him then, though I had no idea what I’d say when he answered. To my relief, I got his machine. I left a message saying that I was definitely going on tour and I would get in touch with him when I got back.
View of a Murder, the movie I co-composed the score for the previous fall, was premiering in mid-May. I was particularly excited because my parents and Danny were coming to New York to attend. Tony took me to dinner at a Greek nightclub on Second Avenue a few weeks before the premiere and I was telling him about their visit and how I was looking forward to his meeting them.
“I chose this place because I though you would like to sample some Greek food and music since we’ll be in Athens, too. I talked today with someone who is going to help me arrange it.” He then reached into his suit jacket and pulled out a jewelers’ ring box and set it on the table. Curious, I opened it. The ring inside was an emerald, encircled by diamonds in a gold setting.
“Tony, you didn’t have to get me a gift,” I said, honestly touched by this gesture.
“It’s not a gift. It’s your wedding ring. That is, if you’ll marry me; if you’ll be my wife.”
“It’s lovely.” In fact, I really didn’t like the ring all that much. It was bigger and gaudier than one I would have chosen, but I didn’t want to seem ungrateful.
He removed the ring from the box and put it on my finger. “Just think how beautiful that will look on your hand while you play at your concerts. I know I can make you happy if you give me the chance.”
I didn’t answer for several minutes. I just sat and watched the band play. I remembered that John had never called me again after I left that last message. I was sure then that John was through with me, that he no longer loved or wanted me. Suppressing the tears I could feel coming on, I reached for Tony’s hand and took it. “OK, Tony,” I said. “Let’s get married.”
As I went home with him that night, I already began having second thoughts. I knew I didn’t love him and I still sensed an ulterior motive on his part. I wasn’t savvy enough then to put my finger on it, so I dismissed the feeling as merely a case of the jitters. As for loving him, I told myself that I could learn to love him if I worked on it hard enough.
***
The premiere of View of a Murder was set for May 19th, so Danny and our parents decided to come on the 17th so there would be a day in between for them to rest and adjust to the time difference. Tony and I met their plane. Dad and Danny, who were generally outgoing and friendly, immediately took a guarded stance upon meeting Tony. Mother almost completely shut down. As we drove to the hotel in Tony’s car, I could tell right away that none of them liked Tony. While Mother sat in stony silence, Dad tried to engage Tony in small talk, asking how we met and about the plans for the tour. Danny asked a few questions about soccer, but the temperature in the car was barely above freezing and the air conditioner was not on. I hoped that with a little time, they would warm up to Tony.
After that reception, I dreaded telling them that Tony and I were getting married. I dawdled getting ready to meet them for dinner and wasn’t ready when Tony came for me. “Come on, love. They’ll be waiting. The traffic’s bad and it’s going to take us long enough to get there as it is.”
“Maybe we should wait until after we’re married to tell them,” I ventured.
“Don’t be silly. You want them at the wedding, don’t you?”
At dinner, I could hardly take a bite. I was so nervous, waiting for the worst. Out of the blue, Tony decided the moment had come. He tapped his glass with a knife in what I thought was a somewhat officious gesture and said, “I … that is, Hannah and I, want to tell you all something.” He paused for effect. “We’re getting married.”
I looked around quickly at my family’s faces. Danny started shaking his head, Mother almost choked on the bite she had just taken and Dad’s fork stopped midway to his mouth. He slowly put down his fork and fiddled with his napkin while he searched for a response. “Now, son, don’t you think you’re rushing things? You hardly know each other.”
“How long is it supposed to take to fall in love, Mr. Newman?” His tone was very flippant. “Hannah, darling, show them your ring.”
I put my hand out to show them the ring. They all murmured things like “How nice,” but without any enthusiasm. The meal was over very quickly after that. Dad paid the check and excused himself and Mother. I walked outside with them to hail a taxi.
“Dad, what is wrong?” Why are you and mother acting like this?”
“We’ll talk about it tomorrow. Right now, your mother and I just want to go back to our hotel and go to bed.” As he helped Mother into the taxi, he said, “Come to the hotel tomorrow around noon and we’ll have lunch. Be sure to come alone, understand?”
I had promised Danny we’d hit some disco clubs, so he, Tony and I were out until well after midnight. I was glad to see Danny having a good time and making some friends. He even invited a few of them, two young men and a young woman, to the premiere.
The next day, I went to my parents’ hotel prepared to defend Tony and convince them he wasn’t as bad as they thought. They had ordered room service so we could talk in private.
“Where’s Danny?” I asked as I walked in and didn’t see him.
“He went to visit some galleries down in Soho. He’ll be back in time for the premiere. Don’t worry,” Mother replied. Taking my hand in hers, she took a deep breath. “Hannah, your father and I wish that you would reconsider this … this marriage you’re rushing into.”
“Why? Why have you taken such a dislike to Tony?” I didn’t mention that I mys
elf didn’t like him when I first met him.
Dad, who hadn’t spoken so far, now said, “Honey, I realize now that your mother and I have sheltered and protected you too much. We wanted to give you and Danny a happy, normal home and childhood, away from the dark seedy side of the entertainment industry. We didn’t think to warn you about men who prey on naïve, unsuspecting young women. They can sense a likely target as easily as a shark senses blood in the water. They come on with a lot of flattery and charm, until they get what they want. Hollywood is full of such men. I’ve watched them for years.
“So you’re saying that Tony arranged this tour and asked me to marry him all just to get me into bed?”
“No, we believe he’s already done that,” Dad replied dryly.
“Dad!” I flushed with shame at the thought of my parents knowing that Tony and I had been intimate – and that they had talked about it.
“I told you, Hannah, we’ve been overprotective of you too long. I’m going to talk to you now like the adult you are – and should be acting like.” When I didn’t answer, he continued. “There’s something else he wants as well; a meal ticket.”
“But Dad, the concert tour is to make me money.”
“Little or none of which you’re ever likely to see.”
“That is, if this tour even comes off. Whether or not it does, you’ll be working to support him,” Mother interjected.
“I can’t change my mind now, “I told them. “Tony has made arrangements already and more than that, I’ve given my promise and I won’t go back on my word.”
“Your mother and I will reimburse him for anything he’s already paid out. Just say you’ll break it off with Tony. Come back to California with us, just for a little while.”
“I can’t. I’ve promised and I’m going through with it.”
“Why on Earth did you get involved with Tony anyway?” asked Mother. “What happened between you and John?”
“He doesn’t want me anymore. He’s finished with me.”
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