Again, if you hold the vulnerability assumption and feel that you're at the mercy of life's dangerous forces, you may want to consider a more balanced point of view. Try thinking that no one can prevent the trials and tribulations of life, but that you can usually cope when they do occur. Collect evidence about the many unpleasant incidents that you were able to cope with in the past. For example, when you had high blood pressure, perhaps you exercised or took medication to control it, or when you lost someone whom you cared for, you grieved, but you survived.
Relaxing control
Some people always want to take charge. They can't stand taking orders. When in a group, they dominate the conversation. They always want to know everything that's going on around them in their families and at work. They don't delegate well. Some fear flying because they aren't in the cockpit.
Being a control freak is tiring and causes plenty of anxiety, too. Perhaps you have trouble with this anxious schema. Many highly successful, intelligent folks do, and this assumption isn't easy to give up. But the costs to health, well-being, and relationships are staggering.
As for all agitating assumptions, we have an alternative, balanced view that will serve you better than control ever did. Review our suggestions. And if you must take control and rewrite them, that's okay, too!
I can usually trust other people to do what they need to do. I don't have to manage everyone, and they're likely to resent me if I do.
Asking for help or delegating a task isn't the end of the world, and sometimes, delegating is much more efficient.
I don't have to know every single detail of what's going on in order to feel in charge. Letting go reduces stress.
Letting others lead can make them feel better and take a load off me.
Think of a time in your life when someone else was in charge and things turned out pretty well anyway. In other words, collect evidence about when not having control has worked out.
Diminishing dependency
People with the anxious dependency schema believe they can't make it on their own. They ask for advice when they don't really need it and seek reassurance that they're loved or that what they've done is right. The thought of not having a close relationship terrifies them. They can barely imagine trying to live life alone. You're not likely to find someone with an agitating dependency assumption eating alone at a restaurant.
Many anxious schemas ironically backfire. Excessively dependent people eventually annoy and irritate those whom they depend on. Partners of dependent people often distance themselves from the relationship after they become weary of constant clinging and helplessness.
If you battle with dependency, consider some of our alternative thoughts. Write these on an index card and keep them handy for frequent review. Feel free to embellish them or come up with some of your own.
It's nice to have someone who loves me, but I can survive on my own and have done so in the past.
Seeking advice can be useful; working through an issue on my own is satisfying.
I prefer to be with other people, but I can find out how to appreciate time alone.
If you buy into the defective dependency assumption — that you can't be all right on your own and that you need help with all that you do — try thinking in a more reasonable fashion. Realize that it's nice to have someone to depend on, but that you're capable of many independent actions.
Collect evidence of your capabilities. Do you put gas in your own car? Do you manage your own checkbook? Do you get to work and back on your own? Can you remember the times that you did well without someone? Realizing that you have taken independent action successfully and remembering that you have pulled yourself through many difficult spots all on your own can boost your confidence enough to help you take more independent action in the future.
Above All: Be Kind to Yourself!
In our work with clients, we found that these anxious schemas are surprisingly common, and many successful people who don't even have a full-blown anxiety disorder tend to fall under the influence of one or more of these assumptions. Therefore, it's important that you don't beat up on yourself for "being under the influence."
The origins of your anxious schemas could be in your childhood or the result of a traumatic event. Possibly your parents peppered you with criticism and that caused you to crave approval. Perhaps you had an unfortunate accident or trauma that caused you to feel vulnerable. Maybe your parents failed to provide you with consistent care and love, leading you to feel insecure, and, as a result, you yearn for help and affection. These represent merely a few of an infinite number of explanations for why you develop agitating assumptions. The point is that you didn't ask for your problematic schemas; you came by them honestly.
You've started on the road to overcoming anxiety. Go slowly; take pleasure in the journey, and realize that change takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself.
Chapter 8: Facing Fear One Step at a Time
In This Chapter
Discovering how exposure works
Facing fear through your imagination
Confronting your fears head-on
Applying exposure to your specific anxiety problem
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. This advice sounds a lot easier to carry out than it is. Turning a situation around for the better after a series of hurts can be tough. Shifting to another metaphor, if you fall off your horse, everyone knows that it's best to jump right back into the saddle. But getting back up isn't always so easy to do either.
This chapter explains how you can get back in the saddle and even make some lemonade while you're up there (sorry). We show you how to overcome your fears in manageable steps. You don't have to face them all at once, because taking small steps does the trick. This chapter provides a recipe called exposure for overcoming your personal anxiety problem one step at a time.
Exposure: Coming to Grips with Your Fears
No single strategy discussed in this book works more effectively in the fight against anxiety than exposure. Simply put, exposure involves putting yourself in direct contact with whatever it is that makes you anxious. Well now, that may just sound a little ridiculous to you.
After all, it probably makes you feel pretty anxious to even think about staring your fears in the face. We understand that reaction, but please realize that if you're terrified of heights, exposure doesn't ask you to lean over the edge of the Grand Canyon tomorrow. Or if you worry about having a panic attack in crowds, you don't have to sit in the stands of the next Super Bowl as your first step.
Exposure involves a systematic, gradual set of steps that you can tackle one at a time. You don't move from the first step until you master it. Only when you're comfortable with the first step do you move to the second. Each new step brings on anxiety, but not an overwhelming amount. The following sections show you how to create an exposure plan for your own fear.
If you find yourself procrastinating with the recommendations in this chapter, read Chapter 4 to build motivation and overcome obstacles to change. If you still find these ideas difficult to consider, you may want to consult a professional for help.
Don't try exposure if your anxiety is severe. You'll need professional guidance. If any step raises your anxiety to an extreme level, stop any further attempt without help. Also, don't attempt exposure if you're in the midst of a crisis or have a current problem with alcohol or substance abuse.
Getting ready by relaxing
Before you do anything else, we suggest that you practice relaxing. Consider reading Chapters 11 and 12 for a thorough review of how to do this. But for now, you can use a couple of simple, quick methods.
Why practice relaxing? Exposure makes you anxious — there's no way around that. Figuring out how to relax can help you feel more confident about dealing with that anxiety. Relaxation can help keep the inevitable anxiety within tolerable limits.
First, we suggest a breathing strategy:
1. Inhale slowly, deeply, and fully through
your nose.
2. Hold your breath for a slow count of six.
3. Slowly breathe out through your lips to a count of eight while making a slight hissing or sighing sound as you do.
That sound can be ever so soft.
4. Repeat this type of breath ten times.
Try practicing this type of breathing several times a day. See how it makes you feel. If it doesn't help you feel calmer, stop doing it. Instead, try our next suggestion, which tightens and loosens muscle groups, an abbreviation of the method discussed in Chapter 11.
If you have any physical problems, such as low back pain, recent injury, surgery, muscle spasms, or severe arthritic conditions, don't use the technique that follows. Or you can consider it, but do so gently and be sure to avoid tensing to the point of pain. Finally, even if you're in good condition, you shouldn't allow yourself to feel pain when you tighten the muscles in the ways that we suggest.
1. Find a comfortable place to sit or lie down.
2. Loosen any tight clothing.
3. Pull your toes up toward your knees, clamp your legs together, and tighten all the muscles in your legs and buttocks.
4. Hold the tension for a count of eight.
5. Now release the tension all at once.
6. Allow relaxation to slowly come in and replace the tension.
7. Notice the relaxed feeling for a few moments.
8. Next, squeeze your fists, bring your hands up to your shoulders, pull in your stomach, and pull your shoulder blades back as though you're trying to make them touch. Tighten all the muscles between your waist and your neck.
9. Hold for eight seconds.
10. Repeat Steps 5-7.
11. Finally, tense your neck and facial muscles. Scrunch your face into a ball.
12. Hold the tension for eight seconds.
13. Repeat Steps 5-7.
14. Sit with the new, relaxed feelings for a few minutes.
15. If you still feel tense, repeat the procedure one more time.
Most folks find that one or both of the breathing or the muscle tensing exercise techniques relax them, even if only a little. If, by any chance, these techniques fail to relax you or even make you more anxious, Chapters 11 and 12 may give you more ideas. Work through those chapters carefully.
However, even if no relaxation technique works for you, it doesn't mean that exposure won't be effective. Exposure can work on its own. Without relaxation, you simply need to proceed especially slowly and carefully.
Understanding your fears
Breaking up the exposure process into manageable steps is important. But before you can break your fears into steps, it helps to fully understand the nature of what makes you fearful. Try the following strategies:
1. Pick one and only one of your worries.
For example, you might be afraid of one of the following:
• Enclosed spaces
• Financial ruin
• Flying
• Having a panic attack (a fear of a fear)
• People
2. Think about every conceivable aspect of your fear or worry.
What starts up your fear? Include all the activities that surround it. For example, if you're afraid of flying, perhaps you fear driving to the airport or packing your luggage. Or if you're afraid of dogs, you may avoid walking near them, and you probably don't visit people who have dogs. Wherever the fear starts, take some notes on it. Think about all the anticipated and feared outcomes. Include all the details, like other people's reactions and the setting.
3. Ask yourself the following questions and jot down your answers:
• How does my anxiety begin?
• What activities do I avoid?
• What are all the things I'd have to do if I actually faced my fear head-on?
• What other situations are affected by my fear?
• Do I use any crutches to get through my fear? If so, what are they?
• What bad outcomes do I anticipate if I were to encounter my fear?
Using the question-answer format, you can describe what you're afraid of. Use your imagination. Don't let embarrassment keep you from including the deepest, darkest aspects of your fears, even if you think they may sound silly to someone else.
If you find yourself getting anxious while answering the questions above, use the relaxation techniques in the preceding section to calm yourself down.
Leeann's story is a good illustration of how someone completes this exercise to enrich her understanding of her fears.
Leeann, a 32-year-old pharmaceutical representative, receives a promotion, which means a large increase in salary and plenty of air travel. During her interview, Leeann doesn't mention her intense fear of flying, somehow hoping that it will just go away. Now, in three weeks she faces her first flight, and her distress prompts her to seek help.
Lucky for her, Leeann picks up a copy of Overcoming Anxiety For Dummies. She reads about exposure and concludes that it's the best approach for her problem. To see how Leeann completes the first task —understanding her fear and all its components — see Table 8-1.
You can see that Leeann's fear of flying consists of several activities, from making a reservation to getting off the plane. Her anticipated outcomes include a range of unpleasant possibilities.
Constructing a staircase of fear
The preceding section helps you comprehend the nature of your fears. After you come to that understanding, you're ready to take your fear apart and build a staircase. Here's how to do it:
1. Make a list of each and every single thing you'd have to do if you were to ultimately, totally face your fear.
See the third question in Table 8-1 for ideas.
2. Rate each one on a scale of 0 to 100.
Zero represents the total absence of fear, and 100 indicates a fear that's unimaginably intense and totally debilitating.
3. Arrange the items into a staircase beginning with the lowest-rated item at the bottom and ending with the most difficult item on the top stair.
This constitutes your exposure hierarchy (another term for staircase). Just making your staircase may cause you some anxiety. Again, don't worry; you will approach each step one at a time.
Figure 8-1 shows how Leeann ordered her fear staircase for flying.
Figure 8-1: How Leeann ranks her fears about flying.
Leeann's staircase contains only ten steps. You may want to break the task down into 15 or 20 steps. For example, Leeann could add an in-between step or two, such as planning her trip or parking in the airport garage.
For a phobia like Leeann's, the steps represent tasks that all directly lead to her ultimate fear. But some people have different types of anxiety. For example, someone with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD; see Chapter 2) may have a variety of fears — fear of rejection, fear of getting hurt, and worry about financial calamity. The best staircase of fear chooses one of those fears and includes everything associated with that fear.
So, now you have your staircase of fear. What do you do next? Choose between the two kinds of exposure — the kind that occurs in your imagination and the exposure that occurs in real life. In a sense, you get to pick your poison.
Imagining the worst
Many times, the best way to begin exposure is through your imagination. That's because imagining your fears usually produces less anxiety than confronting them directly. In addition, you can use your imagination when it would be impossible to re-create your real fear. For example, if you fear getting a disease, such as Hepatitis C, actually exposing yourself to the virus wouldn't be a good idea.
You may think that viewing your fears through your mind's eye won't make you anxious. However, most people find that when they picture their fears in rich detail, their bodies react. As they gradually master their fears in their minds, the fears are generally reduced accordingly when they confront the real McCoy.
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