And dogs have few regrets. Oh sure, sometimes dogs look pretty guilty when caught chewing on their master's shoe. But one kind word and a pat on the head, and they've forgotten all about it. Some anxious people still remember the thank-you note that they forgot to write to Aunt Betty six years ago.
Generally speaking, dogs seem much happier than most of us humans. Unless a dog has been horribly abused, he usually carries on with contentment, joy, and, of course, quite a bit of sleeping. By contrast, humans worry a lot; they obsess over imagined horrors down the road, and they dwell on their past mistakes.
When you bring possible future catastrophes as well as past regrets into the present, you're essentially using language to disconnect you from real-life experience. Doing so can absolutely ruin your present moments — the time that you actually live your entire life! Consider the following example of Reggie, who dreaded the amount of work that he believed he had to finish within five days.
Reggie, a criminal defense attorney, has a solo practice. An important trial is coming up in five days. The amount of work in front of him almost chokes him with fear. Of course, he agonizes over the possibility of putting on a less-than-stellar performance, but most of all, he is concerned about the heavy preparation of papers, briefs, depositions, and petitions that must be completed, and soon. He knows that he'll be working from dawn to dusk with barely enough time to breathe.
The funny thing about it, though, is that after the ordeal was over, he realized that most of those five days turned out to be fairly enjoyable. He worried over the possibility of not completing his tasks, which had nothing to do with any of the actual work that he performed. Most of that felt pretty good. Not a single, individual moment felt horrible by itself.
Few present moments truly feel unbearable. It's simply our ability to ruin the present with thoughts about the future or past that disturbs us.
The next time you obsess over future or past events, tasks, or outcomes, consider trying the following:
Stay focused on each moment as it comes to you.
Spend a few minutes noticing all the sensations in your body at the moment — touch, smell, sights, and sounds.
When thoughts about the tasks ahead enter your mind, simply acknowledge the presence of those thoughts and move your attention back to the present.
If thoughts about past failures or regrets enter your mind, notice the presence of those thoughts and move your attention back to the present.
Remind yourself that thoughts don't reflect reality and experience; they're only thoughts.
When you notice disturbing thoughts about the future or the past, try just observing them, notice how interesting it is that your mind spins out thoughts like these, and return to the present moment.
The following sections contain specific exercises you can use to keep your mind focused on the present moment. We also offer some pointers on how to slow down and enjoy mealtimes and walks.
Making contact with the present
At this very moment, consider coming into direct contact with experience. This is something many people have rarely done. Have no expectations about what this exercise is supposed to do. Just study what happens.
If judgments enter your mind as you're doing the following exercise, observe how your mind spins these out like a reflex. Make no judgments about these thoughts or yourself. Go back to focusing on the entire array of present-moment sensations.
1. Notice how this book feels in your hands.
Feel the smooth cover and the edges of the pages. Or feel the buttons and surface of your e-book reader!
2. Notice how your body feels and notice your position, whether you're sitting, standing in a subway, riding a bus, or lying in bed.
Feel the sensations in your skin as it makes contact with the chair, the bed, the floor if you're standing, and so on.
3. Feel the muscles in your legs, back, hands, and arms as you hold this book.
4. Notice your breathing.
Feel the air go in and out of your nostrils.
5. Notice any smells, whether pleasant or unpleasant.
Think about how you could write a report about these smells.
6. Listen to any sounds around you. Imagine how you would describe these sounds to a friend.
If you hear loud, obnoxious sounds, try not to judge them. Instead of thinking about how jarring they sound, study the nuances in the sounds.
Now, notice how you feel at the end of this exercise. Did you experience the sensations fully? What happened to your anxiety? Many people report that they feel little, if any, anxiety during this experience. Others say their anxiety escalates.
If your anxiety increases during your first few attempts to connect with present-moment experience, don't worry. It happens for various reasons. Increased anxiety doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong. More than likely, it can be attributed to one or more of the following:
You may have little experience connecting to the present. Therefore, it feels strange.
Anxious thoughts may interrupt you frequently. If so, more practice may help to reduce their potency.
You may be facing such an overwhelming stressor right now that putting this strategy into effect is unrealistic. If so, you may want to try other strategies in the book first.
Whatever the case, we recommend practicing frequent connection with present-moment experiences.
Most anxiety and distress come from thoughts about the future or the past, not what's happening at this moment.
Putting worries about the future to rest
Most people tell us that at least 90 percent of what they worry about never happens. Of those worrisome events that do occur, less than 10 percent are as bad as they anticipated. That's an overabundance of worry and ruined present moments just to anticipate a few unpleasant occurrences.
Here's a way you can quit listening to that occasional stream of worries about future events.
1. Think about how many times you've made negative forecasts in the past about some pending event.
2. Then ask yourself how often those forecasts have proven true.
If you're not sure, keep a log of your negative predictions and see what percentage pans out.
3. Of those forecasts that do come true, how often is it as bad as you anticipated?
If you're not sure how often, keep a log for a while.
Taking these predictions seriously is rather like listening to a weather reporter on the television who tells you that blizzards, severe cold, and ice storms are forecasted for every day. So you dutifully don a heavy coat, gloves, and boots. Just one problem nags you, however. Ninety percent of the time, the reporter is absolutely wrong, and the weather is sunny and warm. When the reporter gets it almost right, rarely are conditions as bad as described. Perhaps it's time to stop listening to the weather reporter in your head. You can't turn the station off, but you can at least take the reports less seriously!
Mindfully meditating
Above and beyond reducing anxiety, mindful acceptance can improve the quality of your life. When you're anxious, so much of your mental energy focuses on negative sensations, thoughts, and images that you miss many of life's simple pleasures, like eating and taking a leisurely walk.
Mindful eating
How many times have you eaten a meal and barely tasted it? Of course, if it tastes like microwaved cardboard, perhaps that's a good thing. However, most of the foods that we eat taste pretty good. What a shame to miss out on the full experience.
Choose a time to practice mindful eating. Be sure it's not a ten-minute lunch. But it doesn't require hours, either. Worrisome thoughts may sometimes distract you. That's fine and normal. However, try merely noticing them. Rather than judge those thoughts or yourself, return your focus to your eating when you can. Follow these steps:
1. Slow down and focus before taking a bite.
2. Look at your food.
Notice how it's displayed on your plate or bowl. Observe the food's colors, t
extures, and shapes.
3. Take time to smell the aroma.
Put a small portion on your fork or spoon. Before you take a bite, hold it briefly under your nose.
4. Briefly put the food on your lips and then on the tip of your tongue.
5. Put the food in your mouth, but don't bite down for a moment or two.
6. Chew very slowly.
Notice how the taste and texture change with each bite, and how the food tastes on different parts of your tongue.
7. Swallow the bite and notice how it feels sliding down your throat.
8. Follow this procedure throughout your meal.
9. Stay seated at the table with your meal for at least 20 minutes.
If you finish eating before the 20 minutes are up, continue sitting until the full 20 minutes have elapsed, and notice your surroundings and the sensations in your body.
Consider making mindful eating a regular part of your life. You'll feel calmer, enjoy your food more, and possibly even lose a little weight. Many weight-loss programs suggest slowing down your eating. However, this approach does more — it enables you to fully experience your food. When your mind totally focuses on the present pleasure of eating, anxiety fades away.
Mindful walking
Look around at people walking to their various destinations. So often they rush about like hamsters on an exercise wheel, not even aware of their surroundings. Rushing people, unlike hamsters, don't enjoy the exercise — instead, their minds fill with anxious anticipations and worries. It's a small wonder that we have an epidemic of high blood pressure these days.
We have an alternative for you to consider: mindful walking. You've probably tried taking a walk sometime when you felt especially stressed. It probably helped. However, mindful walking can help you more.
Practice the following meditation while walking for five minutes, five days in a row. Then consider whether you want to make it a regular part of your life.
If troubling thoughts intrude, simply notice them. Watch them like clouds floating overhead. Don't judge them. When you can, bring yourself back to the present.
Proceed with your walk as follows:
1. Pause before you start.
2. Notice the feeling of air going in and out of your nose and lungs. Breathe quietly for five breaths.
3. Begin walking.
4. Notice the sensations in your leg muscles — your ankles, calves, and thighs.
Spend a minute or two focusing only on these muscles and how they feel.
5. Now, feel the bottom of your feet as they strike the ground.
Try to notice how the heel hits first, then the foot rolls, and then you push off with the ball of your foot and toes. Concentrate on the bottom of your feet for a minute or two.
6. Now, focus on the rhythm of your walking.
Feel the pace of your legs and the swing of your arms. Stay with the rhythm for a minute or two and enjoy it.
7. Feel the air flowing into your nose and lungs. Feel yourself exhaling the air. Take notice of the rhythm of your breathing.
Focus on nothing else for a minute or two.
8. Continue to take heed of your feet, muscles, rhythm, and breathing, shifting your attention from one to the other as you like.
Enthusiasts extol the virtues of mindful walking. They claim it helps them reduce stress and become more serene. You can experiment with mindful walking in various ways. For example, try focusing on sights and sounds or focus on smells as you encounter them. Play with this strategy and develop your own approach. There's no right or wrong way to be mindful.
Accepting Mindfulness into Your Life
Some people read about mindfulness and worry about the time it can consume. They say that it sounds like living life in slow motion and complain that nothing would ever get done if they tried living that way. As much as we think that living a little slower isn't a bad idea for many people, mindful acceptance doesn't require significant chunks of time.
More than time, mindfulness entails a shift in philosophy that decreases the focus on ego, pride, and control, while emphasizing accepting the present with all its gifts and challenges. Being mindful requires humility because it acknowledges the uncertainty that's inherent within life.
Making mindful acceptance a habit doesn't happen overnight. With practice, allow it to evolve slowly into your life. Accept that you won't always stay in the present. Don't judge your attempts to live mindfully. When you see yourself living in the guilt-ridden past or anxious future, gently remind yourself to come back to the present.
Savoring Spirituality
Accepting anxiety involves a variety of related attitudes, such as being nonjudgmental, tolerating uncertainty, letting go of the need for absolute control, and being patient. Realize that acceptance isn't the same as resignation or total surrender.
Acceptance means appreciating that you, as well as all humans, have strengths and limitations. Many people find that the process of acquiring acceptance leads them to a greater sense of spirituality — a feeling that the purpose of life transcends one's own self-concerns. The Serenity Prayer captures this spirit of acceptance nicely:
God, grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can;and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
— Reinhold Niebuhr, 1926
Part IV
Zeroing in on Specific Worries
In this part . . .
In this edition, we bring you a new section devoted to many of the concerns that have emerged as major worries in the modern world. We tell you how to deal with career and financial stresses and show you how to prepare for and deal with natural calamities ranging from tsunamis to earthquakes and fires.
We review the growing problem of worldwide pandemics and show you how to inventory your own personal health risks and design a plan for maximizing your long-term health.
Finally, we show you how to evaluate risks associated with all types of violence, such as crime, terrorism, and accidents. More important, we discuss how to avoid unnecessary risks as well as how to deal with them in the event that they happen to you.
Chapter 14: Facing a Career Crisis and Financial Woes
In This Chapter
Facing job worries
Coming up with a personal ledger
Setting goals for a bright future
People worry about money — a lot. They obsess over their 401(k) accounts, savings, salaries, home values, and promotions. More basic needs underlie these concerns — worries about job loss, foreclosures, and the ability to meet essential life needs such as food, clothing, healthcare, and shelter. Although people are generally more important than money, everyone needs a certain amount of income for survival.
In this chapter, we tackle money concerns head-on. We do so with a keen awareness of the seriousness of financial worries. In other words, we don't take a glib, don't worry, be happy approach to these issues. And we don't claim to be financial experts; after all, we're psychologists. So this chapter is not a prescription for getting rich fast and retiring early. It's a guide to what steps you can take to better handle your anxiety and worry over your career and financial challenges.
First, we take a hard-nosed look at job worries. Then we help you make a realistic appraisal of what you have and don't have. We also guide you through an exercise that explores your true needs as separate from your mere desires and wishes. Finally, we ask you to commit to a new, long-term financial strategy designed to minimize your financial worries.
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