She stirs in her sleep and opens one eye. At the sight of me staring, she opens the other. “What?”
“Nothing.”
She lifts a hand from where it rested on her chest and strokes my cheek. “You always stare at me when I’m asleep?”
“Pretty much.”
Her mouth broadens into a smile. “Alex?”
“Yeah?”
“Would it freak you out if I told you I love you?”
Adrenalin surges in my veins. Love? The l-word? It’s something I feel for her, of course, but I never thought it’d go the other way. “Why do you ask?”
“Just… wondering.” She rolls onto her side and presses her lips to the side of my throat.
I move to kiss her back and she tickles my ribs, knowing this’ll make me squirm. She laughs.
“Play nice,” I say. I slide one leg over hers to pin her down, my hand caressing her jawline as I kiss her forehead, her cheek. When I pull back for a moment, she looks up at me with a mix of desire and just the slightest touch of fear in those ice blue eyes. “I won’t ever hurt you,” I whisper. “Not ever, okay?”
“I know.” Her arm slides around my waist and she pulls me down for a long, lingering kiss that goes on, and on, and on. For eternity I ride the trigger edge of control, wanting more than anything to slip my hands under her shirt and feel her skin against mine, but knowing that she doesn’t belong to me. I’ve borrowed her for a short time from the guy who’s worthy of her. I’ll only ever be her high school boyfriend and I just need to make the most of this before she moves on.
I don’t know how long it takes me to come to, but when I open my eyes, nothing that I see surprises me. I was aware that I was in a hospital bed and that John is seated in the chair next to me.
Once he sees me awake, I’m sure he’ll go after me for that nasty black eye that he’s got. It looks like I bruised his cheekbone too. I’m lucky I didn’t hurt my hand.
Sensing my gaze, he looks up at me. “Hey,” he says.
“You here to press charges?”
“So you’re okay? You know where you are and stuff?”
I look around. The walls of my room are an avocado green and the ceiling is white, tessellated tiles. The air reeks of iodine and rubbing alcohol. “This Sequoia Ridge Hospital?”
“Yeah. And no, I’m not pressing charges. I’ve told everyone who’ll listen that this-” he points to his bruised face “-is my fault. I insulted you and tried to pick a fight with you and you beat me to the punch. Literally. I should’ve known I was no match for you.”
I roll my eyes. “That isn’t what happened.”
“You lied for me once. When you got home and I talked to you without telling Madison.”
I don’t bother to reply to that.
“Alex, you don’t need rumors that you’re violent going around town. Not on top of all the rumors about your schizophrenia.”
“I was violent.”
“Only because I hit you below the belt, didn’t I?”
There’s nothing I can say to that. I just shut my eyes and remember the feel of kissing Madison in the dark as we sat on the cold concrete. I remember the first time she ever hinted she might love me, even though she never said it aloud to me until… was it really only just last night?
“So… listen,” says John. “Madison told me about her little business venture. Or big business venture, I should say. She’s added seven more clients, and she’s going to start doing the art delivery thing regularly.”
It takes me a moment to catch up with him. That delivery run with Madison feels like it was ages ago. “You angry?”
“I’m… feeling pretty stupid, that my own sister couldn’t tell me about a new business that she loves.”
I take a deep breath and hold up my hand so that I can check my nails. They aren’t too bad, but there’s a shooting pain in my upper arm from where Mom bit me.
“And,” John continues, “I feel really stupid for blaming you for everything with you and Madison. She told me all about that too, about how it was her idea to keep chasing you and how you were adamant that you not trap her in your life with your issues.”
I shrug. “Whatever.”
“I’ve just tried to direct her away from situations that would hurt her, but she doesn’t want to listen to me.”
“Madison’s pretty self directed. I know that she’s nice all the time and can seem like a pushover, but she’s not. Nothing could be farther from the truth.”
John gives me a look that makes it clear he doesn’t want my advice.
Which is annoying. I press on. “You don’t need to tell her what she should do. Support is what she needs more than advice.” John’ll slap me down now, I’m sure of it.
But instead what he does is rest his head on the heels of his hands and there’s an awkward moment, like at the end of a bad date when you try to figure out something amicable to say before you part ways. “I guess you’ve known her a lot longer than I have.”
I shrug.
“You guys grew up together.”
“In different social universes, yeah.”
He still doesn’t look at me. “When I first came into her life, I gave her a lot of advice and it helped her. I guess I got stuck in big brother advice mode.”
“What kind of advice did you give her?”
“I told her stand up to our mother and not let Kailie just walk all over her. I told her to break it off with that guy she was dating back then and to find a guy who respected her for who she was and made her feel like she deserved to be loved. Aaaaand then she started dating you.”
“I think she started dating Carson Montrose and I kinda derailed that. I stole her from him at a Church activity.”
He tilts his head, absorbing that. “The movie date? You distracted her and she left?”
“Yeah.”
“She called me after that, did you know?”
I shake my head.
“Said you wouldn’t be interested in her because you were too good looking. And she also mentioned you were a psycho… except…”
“Now that’s literally true.”
“I told her to have a little more confidence. Didn’t think it’d lead to her dating you.”
“I saw an opportunity and I took it,” I say. “I couldn’t help it. She’s… you know… way better than I thought I could ever get.” And yes, I think, I am a scumbag for monopolizing her time when a better guy had had his heart set on her for years. I screw everything up.
“Alex, you’re easy for a big brother to hate, you know, but the truth is, you treated my sister well.”
“Well, yeah. I’m not an idiot.”
He looks me straight in the eye. “Listen, on the day you broke up with her, did you tell her you loved her?”
I feel like a large hand squeezes my heart. “What’d she tell you?”
“That she thinks you said it but she’s not sure.”
“Okay. Good. Don’t tell her.”
“You did, though? Do you still?”
“Of course. I’m not an idiot. But she shouldn’t have to know that. It’d make her feel bad.”
He runs his fingers through his hair. “You just aren’t what she needs right now.”
“I agree.”
“And I’m sorry. I don’t want to break another guy’s heart here.”
“She hasn’t been mine in years. Literally, years. You think you can help her move on?”
John breathes out a sigh. “After last night she was convinced she made you worse. She went to Carson’s and didn’t come back until midnight. I guess they’d been up talking. When we got up this morning and heard the news about you, she… well she gave me this to give back to you.” He reaches down to pick up something off the floor.
My dad’s old army jacket, all laundered and spotless.
“And a note.” He hands me a folded piece of paper.
I unfold it to reveal Madison’s neat handwriting.
Dear Alex,
&nb
sp; I’m so sorry about what’s happened. I’ve been selfish, only thinking about how much it hurt me to lose you. It never crossed my mind that you really do need to look out for yourself first and that you can’t afford distractions like clingy ex-girlfriends who can’t let you go.
I thought you pushed me away because you didn’t care anymore. Now I understand that it’s because you care that you push me away. I know a lot of things happened last night, but my behavior clearly got it off to a bad start. It won’t happen again.
Get well soon. I care about you so much. If there is ever anything I can do for you, just let me know.
All best,
Madison
“All best,” from the girl who signs every letter to anyone “love.” I fold up the paper again and resist the urge to wad it up and throw it away. It’s from Madison. I can’t do that.
John looks at me like I’ve got a sucking chest wound and he doesn’t want to see me die, but he can’t tear himself away.
“It’s all good,” I say. “Tell her I’m really happy to hear she’s moved on. It’s for the best.”
“Alex, is there anything I can do for you?”
“Just keep her away from me. Don’t let her come here to visit.”
“I can maybe do that for, like, a day, but her self control’s going to crack eventually. She’s just beside herself, knowing that you’re here and suffering. It’s the belief that you’d get worse if she came that’s kept her away thus far.”
“Then,” I say, “I need to get out of Pelican Bluffs. For a while at least. I’ll figure something out. Thanks for stopping by.”
Dr. Maliki is not happy that John gave me that letter from Madison right when I woke up. He gives the hospital staff a long lecture on how I need to be protected from anyone who might raise my stress levels, and men bearing “it’s definitely over” notes from beautiful ex-girlfriends fit in this category.
Much as John stressed me out, the voices are once again easy for me to ignore. I hear them jabbering, but I find I don’t even care what they’re talking about. It’s as if last night was just a brief relapse, and now I’m back to how I was in the days leading up to it.
Dr. Maliki agrees that a break from Pelican Bluffs is a good idea. I call my Aunt Ellie.
“I don’t want to be a burden,” I explain.
“You’re family, Alex, of course you can come stay with me for a few weeks, and then we’ll take things as they come. But right now, while your mother’s condition is still in limbo, I think it makes good sense to have a change of scene for a while. I was planning to be in San Francisco for the next month. That suit you?”
Absolutely. It’s nice and far away. Between the situation with Madison and the fact that I damaged my own mother, I need an escape. My mother, according to the staff down at Pacific Psychiatric Hospital, sees everyone who comes in as a threat and is terrified. If I weren’t a headcase myself, they might chance letting me see her, but as things are, the doctors’ decision is to not have me try to interact with her for my own good. Hiroko, has already made multiple visits and is able to endure my mother’s shrieking and rejection. Thank goodness for her.
Within the week, I’m headed south with my aunt, who continues to reassure me that I’m not a burden at all.
I bring my journal with all my lists in it with me. Now I’ve added new items, like exercise for two hours a day and watch the news. I set up a clothing diary of what shirts to wear with which pants and how often I should do my laundry. I also bring a kitchen timer to use while I’m in the shower. Perhaps it’s paranoid, but I do not want to act like a crazy person while living off my aunt’s charity.
Dr. Maliki assures me that what I have is still a mild case. The voices still blabber away, sometimes loud enough to disrupt conversation, but as long as I know they aren’t real, I’m doing well. I guess “well” is a relative term.
For the second time I go through the treatment regimen, the appointments three times a week and the various flavors of therapy designed to stabilize me. I hear again how I need to have support people in my life and maintain good social contacts. People need to know when to check up on me and I need to find my triggers and figure out how to cope.
And again, I fake my way through the routine. I act sociable at church and the bishop of the singles ward comes to one of my appointments to testify that I’m doing great and it’s only a matter of time before I find a special someone to be my support person and build a healthy life with, but in the meantime I’ve got skills and know how to make friends and will be just fine. I bluff my way through questions about returning home to live by myself in Pelican Bluffs. Hiroko’s moved on to a job with Kirsten’s new company. I’m okay with living alone. Really, it’ll be all good.
Two full weeks pass before I get a phone call from Kailie. “So, what?” she snaps. “You just disappear now? What’s your deal? Oh, and I went into your house and cleaned out your fridge. You had milk in there and man did it ever stink.”
“Hello to you, too.” I’m seated on my bed in my room at my aunt’s place. She’s off working, as usual. My hair’s wet from the shower and I sit facing a wall with a large oceanscape done in aquas and greens. More than once I’ve wondered if my mind is playing tricks on me, or if this is one of Madison’s clients. Needless to say, I miss her, but the image of her here, babysitting me as I go to appointments and work through my issues is enough to keep me from trying to call her.
“What’s going on?” presses Kailie. “Where are you?”
“I’m staying with my aunt. I’m sure you heard what happened.”
“With your mom?”
“Yeah.”
“Why would that make you need to leave town?”
“Are you kidding? I could have killed her.”
“You carried her to safety.”
“I’m the reason she left the house in the first place. I disarmed the alarm and didn’t rearm it.” And I’ve been over and over and over this with my therapists, but the guilt refuses to dislodge from me. Because I really did screw up and there’s nothing I can do to fix it.
Kailie sighs right into the phone and I dread what she’s likely to say next. Some insult, no doubt, or just a brush off. “You can’t be everything to everyone all the time,” is what she actually says. “I mean, you’re pretty good at it-”
“What are you talking about?”
“You’ve taken better care of your mom than any care facility ever could, and you’ve been dealing with the whole Madison situation, protecting her from your issues, and you’ve been helping out people all over town, including my sister.”
“What does that have to do with-”
“It has everything to do with what happened. You wear yourself out and mistakes happen, and that’s what that was. A mistake. We all make them. Nobody’s perfect, but you did everything you could to fix it and you did a pretty darn good job. You got your mom to safety.”
“She’s in a mental hospital, and she hates it there, and there’s nothing I can do to get her out.”
“She at Pacific Psychiatric?”
“Yeah.”
“Who’s her primary? She doesn’t have Dwight, does she? He’s got issues with schizos, I swear.”
“Um… I don’t know.”
“He’s a charmer with the families. You go in to talk about treatment and he’s all professional and cool, but once he’s up in the ward he’s a monster. I so want to get him fired, but he knows how to work the system, you know? He only does his thing when all the witnesses are mentally ill. You gotta know who to ask to find out the real deal. It’s the staff. They’ll give you the skinny on who does what. Like Melanie? She’s so shy with regular people, families hate her, but up in the ward, she does magic, I swear.”
I’m too stunned to speak.
“You know I was a patient there for almost a month?” says Kailie.
“No.”
“I keep in touch with everyone who helped me. Lots of good people and some not so good ones.�
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“Oh… okay.”
“Give me permission and I’ll head down there, check out what’s what, and see if anything needs to change. I’ll tell you who to switch your mom over to, all that stuff.”
“You’d do that?”
“Yes. Call them and authorize me.”
“Um… all right. And you can check on my mom?”
“Yeah.”
“I made her worse.”
“No, what happened made her worse. You never intended to do any such thing, so give yourself a little credit.” There’s no condescension in her tone, no false kindness. She sounds for all the world like she’s telling it like it is, and most important, she doesn’t deny that me leaving the alarm off was my fault and directly led to my mom’s decline. She’s being honest with me.
“Yeah well…”
“I know. Believe me. I slashed my wrists and made this gory scene that my best friend walked in on. Her clothes got soaked with my blood and she had to face down my dad to save my life. I almost got her fired from her job and run out of town, and she won’t even act annoyed with me about it. Top that, and I might have some pity for you. You wish you knew how to really screw things up.”
I laugh, even though I know it’s rude. Kailie doesn’t seem to mind. It’s been ages since I laughed. I take a deep, shaky breath, and ask, “How is Madison?”
“Yeah…”
“Please tell me she’s moved on.”
“That what you want?”
“That’s the other reason I left.”
“She’s been on a couple of dates with Carson now. He’s all happy about it but she’s just… kind of… I don’t know. It’s like I don’t know her anymore.”
Even though this is the answer I hoped for, it hurts to hear. But, I can handle it. I’m in control and healthier than I’ve ever been since my episode in Japan. “Okay. Well, good,” I say.
Love In Darkness Page 17
