“Given what happened with her brother-”
“That was a misunderstanding. John’s fine, really.” I keep my voice and my gaze steady. “Please let them in if they show up today. I really want to see her. It’d make me feel a whole lot better if I could.”
The doctor purses her lips and is quiet for a moment. “You want to take a shower and get cleaned up? You can. We’re going to leave you hooked up to the IV right now, though. Just wash around it. You okay to walk?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“There’s a bag with clean clothes and things there.” She points to my duffel bag over by the bathroom door. I wonder who packed it. I’m guessing Kailie. It’d be just like her to climb in my window and go through my things. I never thought I’d be grateful for someone like that in my life, but I am.
“All right,” I say. “Thanks.”
“There’s an alarm pull in the bathroom. Yank it if you need anything, all right?”
I nod and shuffle across the room while she leaves.
In the clothing bag are a couple sets of clothing, my journal full of checklists, my timer, and my scriptures. Relief blooms in me as I open my journal to my morning checklist. All the steps are here. My toothbrush, razor, and other items are tucked into a side pocket.
The shower isn’t an enclosed stall, but rather a tiled corner of the bathroom with a drain in the floor and controls and a showerhead jutting out of the wall. I turn on the water, strip off my hospital gown, and step into the warm flow, scrubbing myself with shower gel that was packed in my bag. It takes me two rinses to get my shampoo to work up a lather, which is downright disgusting, and I’ve got the roughest stubble on my face. After I switch off the water and towel myself dry, I stand in front of the fog obscured mirror and shave my face by feel. It takes long enough that the mirror is clear and visible by the time I need to see the spots I’ve missed. The razor keeps getting jammed up with hair and I have to knock it against the side of the sink every other pass to clear it out.
Once that’s done, I brush my teeth and dig through the duffel bag with the toothbrush still tucked into my cheek. There are three shirts and two pairs of jeans, but I soon realize that while I can get my jeans on, a shirt is out of the question because of the IV in my hand. I spit out the toothpaste foam, rinse my toothbrush, toss the shirt and undershirt back into the bag, and head back out into my hospital room, the dry air chilling my damp skin and bringing up goosebumps. I roll the IV stand out the door after me, then look up.
Standing by my bed, her brows knit in confusion, is Madison. I stop as if I’ve hit a wall of solid air.
She turns and our gazes lock.
I don’t know what to say, so I just gaze at her. She looks exhausted and distressed, her hair is glossy and full and her arms overloaded with a heavy purse and file folders.
She’s also the first to lower her gaze. Her things, she drops on the chair with a dull thud; her stance is hesitant, nervous.
I glance around, expecting the doctor or a nurse to be watching us, yet there’s no one.
“They said I could come in, but I’ll leave if you want,” Madison says “I just wanted to make sure you’re all right.”
I take a deep breath, hold it a moment, then let it out. “No,” I say. “I don’t want you to leave. I’m glad you came.”
She straightens a little. “How are you feeling?”
“Terrified.”
“Terrified?”
Telling the truth is more frightening than being attacked by otherworldly beings. Still, she needs to hear it. I need to come clean. I fold my arms, take a deep breath, and speak. “Are you dating Carson now?”
“No.” The word is so quiet it barely registers, and those eyes flick back to meet mine, then look away. “I haven’t talked to him in days, and… I don’t care.” She shrugs. “I’ve been kinda stressed lately. I didn’t want to just leave you here. I know how much your mom hates this place, but I have no control. I wish I had the power to see your records or transfer you somewhere else.”
I feel like my heart is stitched with silk thread again, a sharp, intense pain that gets worse by the second. “I want that too. That’s the problem, you know?”
She blinks, and a light I haven’t seen in years flickers in her eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t know.”
She quirks an eyebrow at me. It’s an old joke, her mimicking me like that.
I look aside. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and my best friend and… I don’t want to need you. I don’t want you to feel like anytime things go badly between us, I’ll have an incident and end up here… but…” My words trail off, the end of the sentence ragged with emotion.
“But?” she whispers.
I meet her gaze once more. “I do need you. I need to not do this alone… I need help from someone I can trust and... I want it to be you. But for that to work I’d need to feel like we’re together forever and you’ll be with me no matter how bad things get, and… I can’t ask you for that much commitment.” My courage fails me. “You don’t deserve all this just because you let me kiss you in high school and wrote to me on my mission...”
She smiles, with more of that light in her eyes. The tension lines in her face melt away. “And here I was worried you’d be scared off by how much I need you. I’ve sent people down here to visit you every day, you know? I just had to know you were okay and being taken care of.”
“You don’t want to deal with this for the rest of your life.”
“Neither do you,” she counters. “But that’s life, hey? Neither of us gets a choice about that.”
“You have a choice.”
“Well, maybe I could have a choice, but I don’t.”
“Yes, you do. You do have a choice, all right? That’s why I can’t ask you to do this. It’s not fair to you. I just… I guess I needed to explain all that to you.”
Her gaze is steady and her words calm and serious. “I do not have a choice if you won’t accept my decision. I’ve tried to exercise choice, but you shut me down every time. I have thought about this, okay? I’ve studied and I’ve read and I’ve prayed and I’ve searched my soul and I do know what I want. Nobody makes me feel the way you do, and I don’t care how difficult a life with you would be… if I could just have a life with you.” Her eyes are moist, but she doesn’t cry. “I know I screwed up at the movie theater. I basically assaulted you-”
“It wasn’t an assault.”
“And yet when I say that about that time in high school, you get all adamant.”
“That’s different.”
“No, not really. Following a disabled guy into the dark and forcing myself on him… not cool. We even?”
I chuckle. “Fine.”
“Besides, as you could have told me, that never works, sneak attacking a person with a kiss, so can I try what you did that actually worked last time?”
“What’s that?”
She bites her lip, then starts across the room towards me.
“See, look,” says Madison. “You’re already standing in front of a bathroom door.” She steps close enough to back me up against it, and I’m now keenly aware that I’m not wearing a shirt.
I’ve got no armor against her, nothing to dull her touch. I can feel the heat rising off her skin and the soft stream of her breath against my collarbone, and she’s not even close enough to hold me yet.
Those blue eyes look into mine again. “Let me see if I can get this right, because it was really effective on me. You’ve just been through something traumatic, and you just tried to save me from myself. Sound familiar?” She’s re-enacting our first kiss, with our roles reversed, only she pauses. “I’m not gong to trap you, okay? You can tell me to stop or to back off anytime.”
I nod.
“Can I touch you?”
I hesitate, then nod again and brace myself as she steps closer and places her hand on the side of my neck, her thumb tracing my jawbone. It’s hard to breathe,
for fear any motion will cast her loose from me.
Those blue eyes look me over, then return my gaze. “Can I hold you?”
I shut my eyes. “Yes.”
She moves in closer and our bodies touch. Her cheek rests against my clavicle as she fits her body to mine.
I feel her warm breath on the side of my neck and tremble, unable to hold still. My hand shoots out to grasp the IV stand for balance. After a panicked moment, I give in and reach up to stroke her silken hair with the backs of my fingers.
She presses the palm of her hand to my waist, then slips it behind the small of my back. Her other hand she slides up my back to grasp my shoulder, and now she’s holding me like she always used to, right from when we first got together.
There’s no way I can resist this. I slide my hands up her arms and watch her eyelids flutter shut for a moment while I wrap her in my embrace. She lifts her chin and I lean my forehead against hers. Just like before, I feel like I’m being offered something far more precious than I deserve. I don’t understand why she smiles when I stroke her hair and look into those eyes, but she does. She has so many other options. So many other guys would require less sacrifice than I do. I cup her jaw in the palm of my hand and gaze at her, willing her to know how beautiful she is, how she could have anyone she wants.
“Alex,” she whispers, shakily. “Can I kiss you?”
“Only if you want to.”
She leans in and presses her lips to the side of my throat.
I let out a strangled gasp as she kisses her way down to the notch between my collarbones. Delicate strands of her hair slide between my fingers as I stroke the length of her long locks and tears burn my eyes. She feels more amazing than ever.
Her breath tickles my skin, “This okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Howabout this?” She runs the tip of her tongue along the base of my neck creating an explosion of sensation.
“Ah, hey.” I cling to her to keep my balance. That is not a move I used on her. My knees are weak and my vision’s graying out.
She giggles. “Too much?”
Emotion builds in my chest like a thundercloud. “No,” I whisper.
Her demeanor changes. Her muscles unclench and it’s as if she melts in my arms, save for her hand grasping my shoulder and pressing me to her. She kisses my neck again, and this time it’s as if she can’t stop. Her arm around my waist tightens and her breathing becomes more ragged.
I tilt my head back as more emotion builds in me, crushing me from the inside. This feels even better than it did in our teens, and it’s as if she were made to fit in my arms. I couldn’t let her go now if I wanted to, and I don’t. Ever. “I love you,” I confess.
The kisses stop abruptly and her body goes tense. She pulls back, her eyes wide with surprise, and something else. Something that makes her more luminous than ever. “You love me?” she whispers. A tear escapes the corner of her eye and slides down her cheek.
I cup her jaw in my palm again. “Of course I love you. You’re everything to me.”
At that, she begins to cry in earnest, but those teary eyes shine with that light I haven’t seen in years. The light that was always there when she was a senior in high school. The light that I thought was from John’s influence, making her life better. I never dreamed that it had anything to do with me. She bites her lip and her shoulders shake with hiccupping sobs.
“Madison-” I whisper, touching her nose with mine.
“I love you, too. I love you so much, Alex. I just want to be with you. I want to be allowed to hold you and to kiss you again. I’ve missed this so much. It hurts to be around you and not have you be mine.”
I have a dizzying sense of dislocation. This feels backwards.
And then it hits me. She isn’t pinning me against the door and re-enacting our first kiss just to be cute. She’s in precisely the same position I was in all those years ago. Her goal here wasn’t to wear me down because she knew it’d be easy. This was a desperate attempt. She’s begging me every bit as much as I begged her that one afternoon after school. I don’t get why she feels this way, but it finally dawns on me that she does feel this way. She loves me every bit as much as I love her. All this time, she’s hurt just as much as I have, and this knowledge changes everything. “Hey,” I whisper, stroking her cheek.
“Be with me?” There’s a note of apologetic desperation in her voice, just like there was in mine the first time around. “I know how sick you are, all right? I know how bad this can get. I’ve seen. But you’re the one and there’s no one else I want, and whatever you need, I’ll learn to provide it, okay? Please let me be a part of all this.”
I silence her with a kiss, a gentle one. One that lets her know there will be more to follow. Her lips are warm and salty from her tears and I’m shaking like I’ve got palsy when they part from mine. I’m on the verge of tears myself, but manage to nod. “Yes. I want that. But only if you’re sure. You have to be absolutely sure.”
Her eyes brighten still more and she pulls me down for another kiss. I notice how she presses her body to mine, and for the first time I don’t think about how much I enjoy kissing her, but rather absorb the fact that she enjoys kissing me. Finally I understand that she doesn’t want to date Carson Montrose or any of the other guys who try to impress her. She doesn’t care about them because she’s already given her heart away. To me.
And understanding this is far more arousing than just making out with a beautiful blond. I can’t help but groan as she presses me against the door, her hands on my bare skin, her mouth drinking me in like she’s an addict gone dry for years. Madison Lukas wants me. Somehow I got under her skin and she can’t get enough. I know the feeling.
I return her kisses and caresses until tears run down my cheeks and she pulls back to dab them away with her fingers.
“Good tears?” she whispers.
I nod. I’m bawling now. I’ve got no shame left.
“You love me?” Those blue eyes look straight into mine.
“Yes.” I pull her close again, bury my face in her platinum blond hair, and breathe deep the scent of her. “I love you. Always, okay? Always.”
“Promise?”
“Yes.”
“Ahem.”
Yeah, that wasn’t Madison’s voice or mine. I feel her body stiffen and I slowly relax my hold on her, lift my head, and find John just inside the door, leaning against the wall, his arms crossed. “So,” he says, “my sister wasn’t answering her phone for some reason.”
“John,” she says, with disgust. “Don’t be a jerk.” She doesn’t let up her hold on me.
“I’m not saying anything.” He smirks.
“How did you get in here?” she asks.
“They said it was okay, provided I don’t stress him out. How’d they let you in here? You call this not stressing him out?”
I’m shirtless, crying, in a mental hospital, and making out with his sister. Could I possibly look worse?
And yet, he doesn’t look angry, or even resigned. His smirk fades into a smile.
I unwrap one arm from around Madison and swipe away the last of my tears. Then I hold her close and raise my eyebrow, daring him to make an issue out of this.
“Carson…” he says, “yeah, he was interesting. Kept asking me how to get my sister. What would work. Could I get her to go out with him on this night or that night. I mention that she’s heartbroken and… realize that she’s heartbroken… and that Carson just wants to use that to his advantage.”
“Carson’s fine,” Madison mutters.
“Yeah, he’s normal. But there was kind of this other guy who loves my sister so much he was tearing himself to pieces because he wanted what was best for her, even if it destroyed him.”
Madison gives me another squeeze and I feel the skin of her cheek crease in a smile.
“So I’m slow,” says John. “Here I was, looking for a guy who loves my sister enough to deserve her, and I didn’t spot him because he had
long hair the first time we met.”
“And barely ever spoke,” I add.
“That too.”
“And got in a lot of fights.”
“Sure.”
“Had a rap sheet.”
“There’s that.”
“Didn’t graduate high school.”
“Also a factor.”
“Known around town as a psycho.”
“Mmm… yeah. Okay, so it was kind of a challenge. I wasn’t a complete idiot.”
I laugh, and in my arms I feel Madison’s ribcage convulse as she laughs too.
“I’m with Alex,” she says to her brother. “End of discussion.”
He holds up his hands in surrender, then says to me, “It’s good to have you back.”
In response, I rub Madison’s back, watch her grin, and know for the first time that this is real. She’s been mine all along. I just lacked the courage to believe it was possible. As John leaves, she runs her fingers over my bare chest and down to my abdomen. Electricity shoots through my core and I groan again, which earns me a mischievous smile and another endless kiss. Making out with her was always an exercise in control. This takes it to a whole new level.
“Excuse me?” says Aunt Ellie.
We’re in the conference room of the Wilkstone Foundation office, me, my aunt, and my cousins, and they all stare at me as if I’m psychotic. Dylan’s in a suit with his collar and tie loosened. His hazel eyes search my face as if I’m a puzzle he doesn’t know how to solve.
Lisa’s in casual clothes, but has the air of an executive, frowning at me as if I’m a stain on the company reputation that she’s going to have to really scrub to get out.
I’m in khakis and a French blue shirt, Kailie’s instructions. “I want to be director of the Foundation,” I repeat.
“Are you on your medication?” says Dylan.
“Yeah…” I say, “thanks for the support. Really.”
“Alex,” snaps my aunt.
“Hey, I’m the one who lives here, all right? I’m the one who knows people, and I’ll bet I’m the only one who’s read this thing from cover to cover.” I pat my grandfather’s binder.
Love In Darkness Page 20
