by Kat Mizera
“I wanted you to love me for me,” she admitted. “Not because I’d had your baby. You had to leave her for me, not for him.”
He nodded. “I fucked up, Anya. Twenty-eight years of missing you and now…” His voice trailed off.
“Now our son needs us—both of us.”
He reached out to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Neither am I.” She turned and stared at the twins.
“Let’s go meet them,” he said softly.
She moved forward slowly. She’d never met Kate’s friends, though she felt like she knew them from the way Kate talked about them. Tessa, with her curly blond hair and big blue eyes, smiled in recognition. Though she was almost nine months pregnant herself, she was here taking care of Kate’s babies while her husband and other friends helped with the daughter she had at home.
“You’re Karl’s mom,” Tessa said softly. She stood, pulling the bottle from the baby’s mouth and holding her hand out. “I’m Tessa.”
“Hello, Tessa.” Anya stared down at the baby with complete adoration. “I’m Anya. I’m sorry to meet you under these circumstances.” She took the baby without hesitation, holding her close to her chest.
“Sit down,” Tessa offered. “You can finish feeding her. I need to go anyway. I’ll see you later.”
“Thank you.” Anya sank into the rocking chair and glanced at Erin. “You’re Erin.”
“Hi.” Erin smiled faintly. She looked exhausted; she was five months pregnant and had been at the hospital almost non-stop.
“You look very tired,” Anya said. “You should go home and rest. I can take over today.”
“I don’t want to be too far…” Erin’s voice faded. “Just in case.”
“You need your rest, sweetheart,” Anya said, though her gaze was fixed on the tiny bundle in her arms. “Kate wouldn’t want you taking any chances with your own baby.”
“When I came back from Afghanistan,” Erin said softly. “Kate didn’t leave my side for months.”
“But she wasn’t pregnant and she didn’t have a child at home,” Anya pointed out.
Erin rocked the baby in her arms sadly. “She’s going to be so upset that she missed all of this.”
“She’s going to be so happy her friends took care of her children for her,” was all Anya said.
They sat in silence for a while, rocking the babies until they slept. Finally, the nurses took them back to their cradles and Erin gathered her things.
“I have to go home for a while,” she admitted. “My back is killing me and I need to see my own baby. I’ll be back around dinner time.”
“Rest,” Anya touched her arm. “I’ll be here taking care of things.”
“Our friend Tiff is coming to help at dinner,” Erin said. “But I’ll stop by.”
Anya and Ken walked back towards Kate’s room in silence. Finally, he reached out and took her hand, pulling her to a stop. She glanced up in surprise.
“I’d like to take you out to dinner,” he said softly. “Just to talk. I feel like I have things I should say and I’d rather do it in private. I understand you’re married, I just want to—”
“Wills and I have been separated for months,” she said quietly. “We were never the same after the cancer scare, so I’d love to have dinner with you.”
He cleared his throat, his blue eyes focused on hers. “You would?”
“Yes.” She nodded. “We have a lot to catch up on.”
He let go of her hand. “Let’s go find our son. He needs to go home and get cleaned up—maybe you can talk to him.”
Seeing his parents walking together was the weirdest thing Karl could imagine. He yearned to tell Kate what he was thinking, that it would be amazing if they got back together after all these years, but she was still in a coma. Stroking her hair, like he did several times a day, he looked at her sadly. The doctors didn’t know why she wasn’t waking up, but with each passing day her chances grew slimmer.
Holding her hand between both of his, he pressed it against his cheek. He didn’t know how much more he could take. Watching their friends and family coming in and out, pitying him, avoiding talking about the twins—it was beginning to make him crazy. Deep down, he knew Kate would be disappointed in him for not going to see their babies, but seeing them without her seemed like the ultimate betrayal. She would never have gotten pregnant if it hadn’t been for him pushing her; if she hadn’t gotten pregnant, this wouldn’t have happened.
“Whatever you’re thinking, it’s not helping,” his father said quietly from the doorway.
“Where’s mom?” Karl asked, looking up.
“Ladies room.”
“Was it okay? The two of you?” Karl glanced up with concern.
“We’re fine,” Ken shook his head. “We’re both really worried about you, though. You have to go see those babies, Karl. They’re your children.”
“I can’t,” he whispered quietly. “I just can’t. They’re the reason she’s like this.”
“No. A drunk driver who ran a red light is the reason she’s like this,” Ken spoke firmly.
“Did they catch him?” Karl realized he’d never asked about the person who hit her.
“Yes. He was arrested and charged with DUI at the scene. I don’t know if he’s still in jail or not.”
“Do you know anything about him?”
“College student,” Ken said softly. “I can find out more if you want?”
“I don’t know.” Karl looked like he was about to pass out. “I guess.”
“Son, go get some rest. You won’t be any good to her if you pass out.”
“I’ll just sleep in the chair,” Karl murmured.
“You have to take care of yourself if you’re going to take care of her.” Ken put a hand on his back. “Go home. Take a shower. Eat something. I’ll sit right here and call you if there’s any change.”
Karl just stared at him. “I can’t leave her.”
Ken sighed. “All right, then I’m going to get you some real food and a change of clothes. You look like hell.”
Karl sank into the chair and stared at his wife. She had to wake up. He couldn’t even fathom the idea of living without her. Raising two kids without her. Two kids she’d only had for him. He buried his face in his hands.
He woke to the sound of someone calling his name and realized some of his teammates were there; Zakk Cloutier, Dom Gianni and Cody Armstrong, who was the captain of the team. He blinked and rubbed his hands down over his face before standing up.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Cody asked softly.
“No change,” Karl shrugged, glancing down at her.
“It’s going to be okay,” Dom said gently. “She’s young and strong—she’ll come through this.”
“I hope so.”
“Where are her parents?” Dom asked.
“Her mother won’t come,” Karl said suddenly. “She said there’s nothing she can do by watching her sleep. Who does that?”
The three men glanced at each other, unsure what to say.
“She doesn’t want to see her grandchildren?” Zakk finally asked, frowning. He and his fiancé, Tiff, had had a little girl in January and his parents had been visiting constantly; they couldn’t get enough of their first grandchild.
Karl made a face. “She hasn’t even asked about them.”
“I’m sorry,” Dom said. “Look, is there anything you need? We leave for Nashville on Thursday, so we wanted to make sure you were set.”
“Today is Tuesday, right?” Karl blinked at him.
“Game isn’t until Friday but Coach wants us to go down a day early.”
Karl looked over at his wife before he spoke. “Is Rob ready?” Rob Rousseau was the back-up goalie, a veteran player who’d wanted just one more year in the NHL before retiring. He probably hadn’t thought he’d be starting in the playoffs, though.
“Seems like it,” Cody nodded. “He’s been on the ice every day,
and the kid they called up from Reno looks good.”
Karl nodded. “I’m sorry if I’m letting you guys down.” He glanced at them. “But I can’t—”
“You’re not letting us down,” Zakk interjected quickly, his green eyes dark with compassion and understanding. “I wouldn’t be out there if it was my wife.”
“She’ll wake up soon and you’ll be back in no time,” Cody said firmly.
“I know.” Karl felt a little queasy as he said it, and he sank back into the chair.
“You don’t look so good, buddy.” Dom squatted in front of him. “Don’t be too proud to ask for help, man. We’re here for you.”
“You guys just worry about the series,” Karl whispered. “I’ll be okay as soon as she wakes up.”
They all spent a brief moment touching Kate; her hand, her hair, her shoulder. Then they were gone and Karl was alone with her again.
“You have to wake up,” he whispered, bringing her hand to his lips. “I can’t do this without you, baby.” He closed his eyes and wondered if it was too late to pray to a God he didn’t really believe in.
4
Sitting in the cafeteria, Anya looked across the table at the man she’d never been able to stop thinking about. It had been twenty-eight years yet she remembered his smile, his voice, the twinkle in his eye when he laughed, as if it was yesterday. Of course, Karl looked so much like him, she’d looked at a version of this man for the last fifteen years. Karl had his mother’s features, but his father’s eyes and strong jaw; it was part of what made him as handsome as he was.
“I’ve thought about calling you a thousand times since I met Karl,” Ken said quietly, looking across at her. “I just didn’t know what I would say.”
She smiled. “I’m not sure how that would have gone over a year ago,” she admitted. “I was still going through radiation, and Wills and I were trying desperately to talk things through…” Her voice trailed off. “I was never in love with him, you know. I cared for him deeply—he was there for me when most men would have walked away—but it was never true love.”
“So what happened?” Ken asked, his eyes meeting hers.
“He turned into a jealous man I didn’t understand. Karl was always so much more…” she paused. “Everything Karl did was better. Sebastian played hockey, but he was never sought after the way Karl was. And Emilie…” She sighed heavily. “She’s been through so much and though I think she’s doing better, I’m not sure. She seems to flounder.”
“So Karl’s success has been a thorn in Wills’ side?”
“His success, his big heart, even his wonderful relationship with Kate—things neither of the twins seem to have found.”
“I met Emilie the other day,” Ken said. “She’s a beautiful young woman. She looks very much like you did at her age.”
“Thank you. I’m looking forward to spending time with her and my grandchildren.”
“They’re all adorable.”
Anya nodded, holding her coffee cup between her hands. “This is suddenly very awkward.”
“Why?” He reached across the table and touched her hand.
“Because it’s been a million years yet I feel like I just saw you a few months ago.”
“I was an idiot,” he said, resting his fingers on hers. He didn’t look at her, instead staring out at the bright sunshine. “Mary and I were over long before I met you. We were talking about divorce when she found out she was pregnant with our youngest. I was on the road most of the time anyway, so she had the baby and the following summer she moved back with her parents while I went to Sweden with my buddies.” He swallowed and swung his gaze back to her. “I never lied to you, Anya. I loved you. I wanted to marry you and bring you to the U.S. I was going to divorce Mary, but I was afraid to tell you I was still married. It felt ugly, being with you, even though Mary and I were separated. Then she called with the news about the cancer… I didn’t know what to do, but she begged me to come home. We had four little kids, you know?”
“I know, Kenny,” she whispered, looking into a face that was older but somehow the same. “You didn’t have a choice. I understand that; Karl told me about Mary.”
“It was still unfair. You deserved better.” He paused. “But why didn’t you tell me about the baby? You had my number.”
“You went home to your wife—your children. I couldn’t be a home wrecker.”
“You were a better woman than I deserved.”
“It was a long time ago.” She squeezed his fingers.
He met her gaze. “Will you go out on a real date with me sometime, Anya?”
She laughed. “When this is over, and I can think about something other than my son and that precious girl upstairs, I will absolutely go out with you.”
He smiled. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in days.”
Late at night, when all the visitors had left and the only sounds came from machines or the occasional nurse who checked in, Karl would talk to Kate. He would read her press releases from her company’s web site, entertaining Tweets about her clients, catch her up on what was happening in the hockey playoffs and everything going on with their friends.
“You have to wake up, baby,” he said for what seemed like the millionth time. “You have so many people counting on you… Tessa and Erin are going to be so mad if you’re not around when they go into labor! And Tessa and Toli want to have another baby within the year—you have to talk some sense into them!”
Leaning over, he rested his head on her stomach. “I miss you,” he whispered. “Sitting here every day without being able to hear your voice is killing me. I need you to fight your way back to me, Kate. Our babies need you to fight. They’re waiting for us to go see them, together.” With a sigh of frustration, he closed his eyes. Eventually, he drifted off to sleep.
The Sidewinders played Nashville two nights later. Sitting in Kate’s room, Karl watched the game start and felt a tightening in his chest at the thought of not being there. Hockey had completely dominated his life until he’d met Kate, and it was still one of the most important things to him. His wife and family came first, of course, but hockey was more than just a job; he played for money but he would have played for free if he wasn’t able to play professionally. He loved everything about the game; it was part of who he was.
Watching his teammates skate onto the ice without him was one of the most frustrating things he’d ever experienced and he had to take a few deep breaths to keep from falling apart all over again. Rob Rousseau was a good guy and had been a great goalie in his heyday, but at thirty-eight, he wasn’t in his prime anymore, and essentially skating into retirement. His daughter was going through cancer treatments and he’d needed one more year of guaranteed health insurance to get her through the last of them; Lonnie Finch had been happy to help and also to have him as Karl’s back-up for one year. Rob had done well, too, but now that they were so close to winning back-to-back Stanley Cups, Karl felt it was his job to win these games.
“You’re too far,” he muttered under his breath as he watched one of Nashville’s players take the shot within seconds of the first puck being dropped. Rob stopped it but Karl had to close his eyes.
Turning his chair so he could watch the game without straining his neck, he kept one of Kate’s hands in his. “Come on, Zakk, get out of there!” Karl hissed, scowling at the screen. Nashville was a tough team and the Sidewinders weren’t playing like they wanted it tonight. Zakk, by far the fastest skater on the team, was almost sluggish; Toli, the team’s top scorer last season, was still recovering from a gunshot to the shoulder last summer and wasn’t doing anything tonight; Cody, another top scorer, seemed distracted.
“Are you kidding me, Dom?!” he growled when Nashville’s top forward skated past the big defenseman and sent the puck over Rob’s left shoulder. “Shit!”
Karl was yelling. Kate was confused because Karl almost never yelled, and certainly never when they were in bed. He sounded angry and she couldn’t understan
d why it was so hard to open her eyes. She was tired, but hearing Karl upset made her need to find out what was wrong. Blackness threatened to take her back into peaceful slumber, but another growl from Karl made her eyes pop open. For a minute, everything was blurry. She blinked several times, waiting for her vision to clear, and then the panic rose in her chest. Nothing looked familiar. Where was she?
“Look out!” Karl yelled.
Kate’s heart starting beating double-time and it took a second to realize Karl was holding her hand. She squeezed as hard as she could and for a second he ignored her. Just as she was about to cry out in frustration, his head swung around, his eyes meeting hers in surprise.
“Kate!” His breath came in a sharp whisper. “Oh my God, Kate, you’re awake.” He was instantly leaning over her, his hand on her face. “Can you hear me, baby?”
She opened her mouth but no sound came out and she let out a tiny moan of distress.
“It’s okay, I’m here.” Karl was crying and Kate tried to reach up, her hand shaky as she attempted to touch his face.
She wanted to ask him why he was upset but he put a finger on her lips. “Don’t try to talk, okay? You were in a car accident and you had surgery so you’ve been asleep for a few days. I’m going to get the doctor—I’ll be right back.” He raced to the door and yelled for the nurse.
Soon the room was swarming with nurses and doctors, but Karl stood on one side, Kate’s hand firmly clamped in his.
“Kate, do you know where you are?” the neurologist asked her.
She nodded and mouthed, “Hospital.”
“Very good. Can you try to drink a little water? I think that’s why you’re having trouble talking.”
She nodded again and someone held her head up as a nurse put a straw to her lips. She took a tiny sip and then lay back, exhausted.
“Better,” she whispered, and this time her voice came out in a raspy croak.
