Tears sprung from my eyes, unloading a well of emotion that I had tried to keep bottled That was it for the stoic expressions I showed to everyone for the last 14 days,
“MOM! That was Danny’s hoodie. Why would you do that? What am I going to do?”
I really wouldn’t call it spit on the hoodie, more like a mixture of tears and saliva; okay, so it was spit. There was probably chocolate all over it too. But no matter what I got on it, I could still smell Danny. That hoodie was always in my bed, and today, not being at my apartment where I had memories of him, I needed that smell.
I needed to remember.
Now that I felt a little less restricted wearing a tee shirt and yoga pants, I made my way into the high school, while tying my hair into a ponytail. The meeting was held in one of the classrooms that weren’t in use during the school year. Almost immediately after walking in, I spotted Skylar McBride.
I met Danny during Freshman Orientation at the University of Michigan. Shortly after that, I met his best friend Skylar, whom he had grown up with. In the beginning, I kind of felt like Skylar was flirting with me here and there. He would give me these quick little glances that I never paid attention to that much, but as soon as I would look in his direction, he would turn away like he wasn’t staring at me. Leave it to best friends to have eyes for the same type of girl.
“Skylar, what are you doing here?” I asked a little too excited to see a familiar face. I went to him and gave him a friendly quick hug.
“Take a guess,” he said, looking frustrated and defeated. I knew that look. I had the same one earlier today. “And to what do we owe this honor? I haven’t seen much of you in a few months,” Skylar asked me, already knowing the answer.
“Ky”, we both said in unison.
That inspired a little giggle to escape from my mouth and I noticed he had a smirk on his face too. Kylee was usually the ringleader. Always making sure we all did stuff together. She was kind of like the glue that held all of us together during college, making sure we didn’t drift apart. I made a mental note to thank her later for loving us and to apologize for being a colossal bitch to her.
“Alright everyone, take a seat and we’ll get this show on the road,” said an older man wearing jeans and a sweater.
He was probably about fifty, but his eyes made him appear much older. It could have been the sadness in his them that aged him.
The chairs in the classroom made a circle, so everyone could see each other. I sat in one of the chairs, closest to the exit, just in case I had to make a quick exit. Skylar took the seat next to me, easing my discomfort.
“I would like to welcome some new faces in the crowd today,” pointing in my direction, “and ask for you guys to go first. Most of us are pretty well acquainted. If you would stand up, tell us your name, the name of your loved one that you lost, and a little about how you lost them. If it gets to be too much, you can take a break or stop. We don’t pressure here and this is a judgment free zone. Those of us who have been here for a while know all too well that talking about your loss, even with a room full of strangers, can be hard, but it’s liberating at the same time,” the man said.
I felt like he was talking directly to me.
“Ok, so who will start us off today? You, in the grey tee shirt, can you please tell us a little about yourself?” he asked and I noticed him looking in my direction.
I looked around me and realized that I was the only one wearing a grey tee shirt and then our eyes connected. Shit. He wants me to start.
“Keep it together and get this over with,” I thought to myself.
Here goes nothing.
“Uhhhhh, hi, I’m Mira Adams and uhhhh, I guess I’m here because my best friend Kylee thought it is a good idea for me to talk to someone about my fiancé that passed away a few months ago,” I choked out.
As I started to continue, I looked down from where I was standing and saw Skylar watching me. I mean, like really watching me. Like I was the most captivating thing he had ever seen. I didn’t know if I should feel creeped out by him, or if I was flattered. I gave a small nod and a half smile as I continued.
“Six months ago, my fiancé, Danny, died in a motorcycle accident just outside of town. I have been in a pretty bad place lately; I chose to come here because Kylee thought it would help me. It’s just hard, ya know. What am I supposed to do, just run around and continue my life after I promised my life to someone who isn’t here anymore?”
I couldn’t do this any more. Tears started to pool in my eyes and I feel my throat getting dry and tight. It was beyond time for me to get the hell out of this place.
The older man with the sad eyes stood and walked towards me, reached out his hand, for what I assume could be a gesture for a handshake. “Mira, thank you for introducing yourself and for sharing your story. My name is John and I am the moderator for the group this evening. I would like you to continue, if you can. I know it’s hard, but sometimes, it can help you feel a little better if you can put how your thoughts into words.
“Care to give it a try?” I nodded and gently shook John’s hand.
I didn’t know what he wanted me to do. Do I just dish my feelings? That’s not something I have ever been able to do, not even with Danny. I guess you could call me guarded.
“What should I talk about?” I whispered to John. I glanced over at Skylar and he was still watching me. What the hell?
“Why don’t you start with how Danny passed away?” John whispered back to me. Great. This was not on my list of favorite things to do, but hell, if I at least gave it a try, Skylar would report back to Kylee and then I would be free from this ‘expressing my emotions’ prison.
As I started speaking again, I could feel Skylar’s eyes on me, even without looking in his direction. I started to feel less creeped out; but the feeling that replaced it, I can’t describe. It was kind of between desire and guilt. Serves me right, I guess.
“Ok, I guess I can do this. Danny and I just graduated from U of M. We went to the ceremony that day and a bunch of us were going to go to a graduation after-party hosted by some alumni. After the ceremony, Danny and his friend,” I happened to glance at Skylar when I said this and I saw his eyes. They were glazed over. Then when our eyes connected, he bowed his head and started staring at the floor.
I didn’t even think of how hard this would be for him. God, how selfish have I been? I am hurting beyond belief. I don’t think anyone can comprehend how I feel. But God, Skylar. He had been best friends with Danny since diapers.
“On second thought, I don’t think I can do this today. I would like to be done if that’s okay, John,” I managed to say. I was definitely feeling guilt.
“Alright, thank you for sharing, Myra. Maybe next time we can talk a little more about Danny and how you feel,” John said with a fake smile on his face.
Next time? Yeah, right. That wasn’t happening. I got Kylee off my back coming here, I will be damned if I came back again. This place is not my cup of tea.
“Skylar, would you like to continue where you left off last time?” John asked as he turned towards Skylar.
What the hell was going on? I thought he was here because Kylee had forced his hand like she did mine. Something didn’t make sense. I looked at Skylar and shot him a puzzling look. He calmly stood up and gave me a slight wink. I don’t think anyone else noticed, but damn, was Skylar always this sexy? Did I just fucking think that? Oh hell. That’s exactly where I’m going. Straight. To. Hell. Who has thoughts like this about their dead fiancé’s best friend?
“Thanks, John. Well, pretty much everyone here knows me, but just in case, I’m Skylar. Skylar McBride. I lost my best friend six months ago. My best friend just happens to be Mira’s fiancé. Our Danny’s are one in the same. Where did I leave off last week? Hmmmm...oh yeah, I’m sorry, it’s been one of those days. I wanted to talk about the accident. Mira, sweets, do you mind if I talk about this? I know you were going to, but couldn’t get it out. If it would make you
uncomfortable, I don’t have to,” Skylar asked me.
There were reasons I avoided Skylar. There were reasons I didn’t have him over to the apartment. There were reasons that I didn’t want to see him. I felt beyond guilty. How can I be his friend and wonder why God took Danny and not him? How can I look him in his eyes? I guess it’s my turn to look at the ground while he speaks.
“Skylar, if talking about it helps you, maybe hearing it will help me. Please continue,” I said, but it was more of a plea. Maybe if I could help him through his grief, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about the thoughts that I had in my head.
“Thanks Mira, I really appreciate this. I think it will help you, too. Ok. So, Danny and I were always into bikes, ever since we were kids. We loved the speed and the freedom of being on a bike. After graduation, we decided we would take the girls for a ride on the bikes to come down from the emotions of earlier in the day. All of our parents were there crying, so proud of their babies finally growing up and moving into the real world, and all that stuff. After we picked up Mira and Kylee at their apartment, we got on the road. It was such a beautiful night. I don’t think there were even clouds in the sky and there was little chill in the air. We were riding side by side, almost playing a game of who was going to ride faster,” Skylar stopped talking and looked at me.
He asked me with his eyes if I was sure that he could continue. I had never heard the story before. I mean, I knew how the accident happened, but after I passed out, that’s the part of the story I had never heard. Skylar tried to tell me before, but I couldn’t even look at him. I didn’t want to hear anything he had to say. I think part of me was jealous that Danny’s last moments were spent with him. I looked at him and gave him a slight nod, encouraging him to continue. I needed to hear this. I needed to know what happened. And Skylar needed me to allow him to do so.
Skylar gave me a slight smile and it was almost as if his eyes said, “thank you.” Then he continued.
“We were coming up on a construction zone. Both of us had plenty of tickets and a ticket in a construction zone means doubled fines, so we both downshifted a gear and slowed down. Traffic got a little thicker since one of the lanes had been closed. Out of the corner of my eye, through my helmet, I saw a green SUV begin to merge onto the highway. They were going a little too fast for my liking. I tried to signal to Danny to slow down more to let this guy get in front of us, so we could at least keep an eye on him. Danny apparently didn’t see my signal. The next thing I remember, Danny swerved his bike to the left; the green SUV came into the construction lane Danny was in.
The SUV was now in front of me and it slammed on its brakes. So I hit mine almost losing control, but I was able to recover. I still thank God that Danny taught me how to control a mean case of tank slap. Danny was still in the construction lane and I saw his bike giving him some tank slap too. I was worried, but hell, Danny taught me how to recover from that so I figured he would, too. But I was wrong. Danny’s bike hit the guard wall and Danny and Mira flew from the bike. Mira landed not too far from where the accident was but Danny flew to the other side of the guard wall. I inched to the construction lane and stopped my bike. I didn’t even put the kickstand up or think about Kylee. I went running in the direction of the wreckage. I found Mira and she was still breathing but unconscious, so Kylee sat with her while we waited for help. It felt like it took forever to find Danny. When I did, he was limp and bleeding badly. I hit the ground and pulled him into my lap and I screamed for anyone who was listening to call for help. Unfortunately, help got there too late. Danny died in my arms that day.”
Skylar finished his story and looked in my direction. I was uncontrollably sobbing into my hands. Skylar walked to me and put his hand on my back, between my shoulder blades, and rubbed them gently.
“Skylar, I’m so sorry. I can’t be here,” I cried as I got up and ran out of the room.
I can’t take this anymore. I need to go somewhere, anywhere but here.
Chapter Two
Skylar
Four and a half years ago...
“Mommy finally let the baby leave the nest, I see,” I said joking with my best friend, Danny. Danny’s parents were always so over protective. So much so, that he would have to keep his bike and helmet in my garage so his parents didn’t know that he had one.
“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up man. I still don’t know how I talked them into letting me live on campus. If they knew you were going to be my roommate, they would probably come shuttle me back home,” Danny joked back.
Freshman orientation wasn’t so bad, I guess. It was the middle of August so the girls were still dressed in shorts and tank tops. Even though they were freshman, some barley 18, these girls had bodies that didn’t quit.
At one of the tables, probably a sorority freshman pledge table, I saw the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life. She was tall, but not too tall. Long, dark, curly hair that cascaded down her back. She was with another girl, a red head with a nice ass, but even that nice ass didn’t stop me from looking at the brunette.
She was laughing at something her friend said. She threw her head back, making the ends of her hair damn near touch her ass, which was just as nice as her friend’s, might I add. She was smiling when she turned towards me. God that smile, it was breathtaking. She looked so carefree and happy. Our eyes connected. They were a deep green, maybe emerald. They were staring back at me when she smiled.
I knew I had to go and talk to her.
I started to walk towards her when I saw Danny making his way to the tables too. God, I was praying he had a thing for the red head with the nice ass. We made our way to the girls at the same time. Danny took the opportunity to talk first.
“Hi, I’m Danny Thomas and this is my buddy, Skylar McBride,” Danny introduced us to the girls. To my surprise, the brunette didn’t do the talking.
“Hi Danny and Danny’s buddy, Skylar. I’m Kylee Anderson and this is my best friend and roommate, Mira Adams,” the red head said.
Mira. God that name is so fitting. I think I’m in love, I thought to myself.
“Well, Kylee and Mira, do you guys have plans tonight? Skylar and I were thinking of doing a little sightseeing. That is, if you’re up for it,” Danny teased the girls while stroking his index finger on Mira’s bare arm.
Those two were so lost in each other; I knew all hope was lost for Mira and me.
“Sure Danny, that sounds like a good time. Right Kylee?” the beautiful brunette finally spoke and it was the voice of an angel. But I noticed that she didn’t take her eyes off Danny’s the entire time we had been standing here.
Another one bites the dust, huh Sky, I thought to myself.
Present …
I barely had enough time to gather up my stuff before she bolted from the meeting. I knew she needed to hear what happened. I thought it would help her, but it looks like I hurt her. Yet again, whenever I’m around her, I’m feeling guilty . Will this feeling ever go away?
“Mira, please wait up. I’m so sorry if I hurt you. I thought it was okay that I talked about that,” I said as I chased Mira, trying to catch up. She was running through the parking lot to her car.
“Skylar, it’s okay. I know you had to talk about it to move on. I thought I was ready to hear it. But I, I just can’t. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin your meeting. It won’t happen again,” she said, still crying.
“It’s fine. I promise. I have talked about it before in other groups. When Ky said you were coming here, I thought maybe I could help you. You have been locked away for months. Not talking to anyone about Danny. I just wanted to help,” I said, not realizing that she had no idea this was a set up.
“You guys planned this. You knew I would be here? What is this, one big fucking joke on Mira?” she screamed, her voice full of anger and tears still streaming down her face.
“It wasn’t like that. Ky called me and said she was worried. I found this place and figured it was close to home and still within your comfo
rt zone so I thought you might come. I came a few times to scope it out and realized that this one was better than the one I had gone to in the city. We really just wanted to help you Mira. I swear,” I pleaded with her. She just stared at me, with her face full of tears that didn’t show any sign of stopping.
Mira turned away from me and resumed her retreat to her car. I knew I couldn’t let her drive in this condition. The guilt from Danny was still too heavy on my heart to even consider letting her drive. What if she wrecked? I wouldn’t survive that.
“Mira, please let me drive you home? You’re in no condition to drive.”
She didn’t say anything, but got her keys out and moved towards the driver door. As she went to put the keys in to unlock the door, I put my hand on hers and her emerald eyes hit mine.
“Skylar, it’s fine, really. I can drive. I’ll be fine. I just have to get out of here,” she said, with my hand still on hers. I pulled her hand into mine and with my free hand, took the keys away.
I begged her, “Mira, really, I’m not letting you drive like this. Your eyes are swollen from all the crying. It’s the least I can do for messing up that beautiful face of yours.”
Shit. Did I just say that out loud? In four and a half years, I have NEVER told Mira that she was beautiful. To my surprise, she didn’t pull her hand back. I think she even relaxed a little. She looked down at our hands, still together, and then back up at me.
She gave me a small smile, “Ok, fine. I won’t argue this point with you, sir. Thanks for the ride. I probably shouldn’t be driving.”
She walked to the passenger side and got in as I got into the driver’s side. “Do you remember the way to my apartment?” she asked me as I put the car in reverse.
“Yeah, I’m sure I can manage,” I joked with her. I could probably navigate my way to her apartment blindfolded if I had to.
She looked in my eyes again, and I was lost in the deep, lush green color of her eyes. She finally spoke when we pulled up to the apartment complex parking lot, “Thanks again, Skylar. I know it hurts you talking about it just like it hurts me, but thank you. I needed to hear it and I’m sorry we didn’t talk sooner.”
Mirage Page 2
