I lay on the cool tile of the kitchen floor till the laughter subsided and the tears threatened to start. I forced them back, refused to let them get a hold of me. I wouldn’t let the fear rise again. We weren’t going to die here, we were going to live and survive. Nero lay down beside me, ever attentive, the perfect puppy, and I was grateful he took to his sit-stay commands so well. I couldn’t have handled an unruly dog with all that had been happening. I let my hand rest on his quickly-growing body for a moment. What were we going to do about him? We could barely feed ourselves and the dog food was diminishing as fast as our own.
I stood slowly, wobbling a little, the distant thud of axe and wood telling me where Sebastian was. I ate half my meal and covered the rest with plastic wrap, something else we were nearly out of.
Crap. I knew I’d made a mess of it with Bastian. I headed outside, Nero at my heels and Sebastian’s plate in hand to find him chopping wood, sweat dripping down his rapidly slimming frame. He would always be a big guy, but it was scary to see how fast he, especially, was losing weight.
“I’m sorry. I’ve pulled it together,” I said in between chops. Sebastian lowered the blade and half-turned to me.
“It’s okay. I suppose from time to time you’re going to have breakdowns. It’s to be expected. As long as you can always pull yourself up and out of it,” he said.
I handed him his plate and he sat down on a log to eat.
“Well, it’s not like I’m going to be here by myself, right? You’re not planning on doing a walkabout in the middle of the night, go for some sort of marathon run to see if you can outdistance the pack, are you?” I smiled at him and he gave me a half-hearted smile back.
“No, not planning on it.”
I blinked hard, wondering at the sudden fear that gripped me. Was he trying to say something without saying it?
“What’s wrong, Bastian? I know this is a crap situation. I know it’s not how we planned our lives, but we are alive and we still have each other. That’s all that matters.” I sat down beside him. A rattle drew our attention to the gate, Scout making motions at us, more than usual. He grunted and pointed at the food on the plate.
Sebastian stood and walked to the gate without a word, Nero whined the closer he got to the Nevermore. Scout backed off, obviously intimidated by his size, until Sebastian held the plate of food out to him.
“What are you doing?” The scene disturbed me. Why was he showing kindness to the Nevermore? Why would he give him food that we had so little of, which we so desperately needed?
Scout slunked forward cautiously, his eyes downcast until he was right at the gate with Sebastian towering over him. One shaking hand reached out to grab some noodles, streaking back to his mouth so fast I could barely track it with my eyes.
A second time he reached out to grab the food and as his hands grasped noodles, Sebastian’s big hand clamped down on his arm. Scout squealed—setting Nero off, barking like a mad dog—and tried to pull away, but couldn’t. Sebastian held onto him, not doing anything but holding. Scout squealed and screeched so loud and high-pitched, I found myself on my feet, heart pumping and ready to run.
“Bastian, he’s calling the others,” I said, fear blooming once more. We’d been almost back to normal; I could almost forget the scene of Tom’s death, of the pack surrounding our property, of Jessica going off with the Alpha.
“I know.”
Two words, so simple and yet, they meant so much. He wanted Scout to call the pack in, but, why?
Rustling in the bushes was the only warning we had before the Nevermores exploded onto the road, screaming and gnashing their teeth. They were thinner than the last time I’d seen them, but they didn’t seem worse for wear, their energy still high.
I searched the group, standing on my tiptoes and finally standing on a log to see if Jessica was with them.
“She’s at the back,” I said. “She looks okay.” She was thin, her clothes ragged, but unlike some of the others who had scars and missing pieces of hair, she looked . . . like the queen of the pack. The Alpha male stepped out of the bush and put his hand on her shoulder, claiming her while he stared at Sebastian.
“What does he think? That you’re going to fight him for her?” I asked more to myself, but Sebastian heard me.
“That’s exactly what he thinks. I’m bigger, stronger, and younger. A threat to his position in the hierarchy of the pack,” he said.
“But you aren’t.”
Sebastian turned to look at me, his eyes sad.
My heart dropped.
“Mara, the results from the fertility tests came back while you were out of it. It wasn’t you that had fertility problems, it was me. The day I gave you Nero, when I went into town . . . .”
I started to shake my head, backing away, half-falling off the log and stumbling over Nero.
“No, no you didn’t, you wouldn’t have. You said that it was stupid, that there was no way you would ever . . . .” The world swayed around me and I fell to my knees, grabbing at the axe for support.
Sebastian walked to me, and turned me so that we both faced the gate and the pack beyond it. His hands were hot on my bare flesh and I began to itch, the concentration of broom in his body coming through in his sweat. It finally made sense, and I understood my reactions at strange times, after he kissed me or we made love. My body responded to the concentrate within his system and I had to take antihistamines. I was allergic to him, to what he was becoming.
I let out a moan and he held me tight.
“I’m sorry, Mara. I took the shot.” He looked me in the eye, his own beginning to tint a light yellow that I’d been telling myself was just the way the light reflected on his iris.
“I took Nevermore.”
10
I sobbed into his chest, pounded on it in a fit of rage that he could do this to me, that he would be leaving me, forgetting that if I’d had it my way, it would be the other way around.
The pack dispersed, once more stymied by the gate and their inability to climb it or unlock it, melting back into the bush as if they had never been there.
All that was left was Scout, who stared at us with his slitted eyes and rattled the gate to get our attention. In less than three weeks, that would be Sebastian, outside the property, an animal who no longer loved me, an animal who would as soon eat me as make love to me.
I stood up, pushing away from him, anger and pain at war with one another inside my heart. “I need to be alone.”
“You’re going to get a lot of that in the not-too-distant future, probably more than you want. I would take advantage of the time we have.”
I spun on my heel, ready to slap him. “You asshole! Why didn’t you tell me you’d taken the shot?”
He frowned and shook his head. “I didn’t want you to worry.”
“It’s my right to worry! I’m your wife. If anyone should know that you’re going to turn into an animal, it’s me!” Nero whimpered at my feet, upset by the yelling. I bent and scooped him into my arms.
“The right time didn’t come up. And I wasn’t sure at first. I didn’t feel any different. I wasn’t losing weight, but at the clinic they said that might not happen as fast to me because of my size,” he said, shrugging and lowering his eyes.
I stomped off toward the backyard and the garden, the sudden urge to kill something leaving me only one option. Pulling weeds. Over my shoulder, I yelled. “The right time was the minute you figured it out.”
I froze at the sight in front of me. Three deer stood in my garden neatly pruning every last shoot of a vegetable that had come up in the last week, their ability to jump the fence giving them the edge over the Nevermores who also wanted in. I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell and scream and throw things. I put Nero down, and as I did, I scooped up a rock, hurling it at the four-legged interlopers. I missed by an easy mile and had to settle for running at them full speed down a slight slope, Nero woofing and running full-tilt, which wasn’t any faster than me, and followi
ng them well into the open field. As they scattered, I slipped, tumbling the last of the way down, coming to rest on what had been my pea patch.
“Mara, are you okay?” Sebastian lifted me gently to a sitting position. I nodded tucked my face into the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent, trying hard not to think about what was coming.
“I’ll help you get ready, babe. I won’t leave you here without the things you’re going to need.”
“That gives me little solace when I know that you won’t love me anymore,” I whispered.
He was silent for so long that I wasn’t sure he heard me. It was the shuddering that started deep in his body that made me sit back. Tears streamed down his face, washing lines of dirt and grime away, leaving streaks of almost-clean skin.
“I will always love you, no matter how far my mind goes, no matter what I become; my love for you will never change. I couldn’t imagine my life with anyone else, Mara, and these last four years have been the best part of my whole life. I wouldn’t change a thing.”
At my raised eyebrow he conceded.
“Well, maybe one thing.”
He stroked my face with his hands and whispered against my lips, “I didn’t tell you enough how much I love you, didn’t always cherish you the way I should have, but I will always, always love you, no matter what comes.”
He kissed me softly and I leaned into it. If this was all I had left with him, I would take every minute of it. My anger washed away in a wave of love so strong I thought my heart might burst. We clung to each other until the tide of emotion swelling around us receded and we could both breathe a little easier. I leaned back from him to stare into the face that I would love no matter what it looked like.
“What are we waiting for then?” I pulled him to his feet.
He cocked his head and stared at me.
I winked and started to slide my shirt over my head. It took him a brief moment, then he was there helping me undress, as I helped him, and we made love in the garden. It wasn’t like we were going to be damaging the crops or anything. We took our time, savouring each touch, each kiss, as if they were our last, breaking up only when Nero came romping back, woofing and leaping at us as we held each other tight.
11
“I’m going, Mara. I have less than a week, a few days maybe, and it’s a window of opportunity we can’t let pass,” Sebastian said as he dressed. It was early, pre-dawn, and we’d been arguing about this subject most of the night.
“Bastian, the Alpha male, if he catches you outside the gate he’ll attack you. Maybe he’ll even be able to turn the whole pack against you,” I said, shadowing my husband as he searched our closet for the extra knapsack.
“That’s why I’m going so early, you know that Scout’s never been here before the sun is up. I’ll raid as many of the houses as I can. You need the food, and you can’t go. It’s like with Jessica, they won’t touch me, I’m one of them.”
I snorted. “Nobody wants to get laid by you. That’s what they wanted from her, and you know that.”
“Hey. That’s not nice, or true. I can think of at least one person who wants to get laid by me.” He bent and kissed me on the lips, the tingle not all due to our chemistry. Mostly now it was due to the drug I was so allergic to, rushing through his system.
I followed him downstairs where he grabbed the flashlight, a hammer and the big kitchen knife. In the dim light he looked like a burglar, which was appropriate, considering what he was going to do.
“Did you write me a list at least? I don’t want any complaints that you didn’t get everything you wanted.” He smiled at me, trying to ease the tension, I suppose.
I let out a breath, knowing he was going to do this whether or not I wanted him to. I was losing the battle in large part because I knew he was right. I needed him to get food and supplies, and he needed to do this one last thing for me, to be my husband and knight in shining armour.
I sat down and lit a candle so I could see enough to write. The list was simple, any preserves he could carry, batteries, feminine hygiene products, Benadryl or other allergy medicine—any medicine for that matter—bow and arrow set, garden seeds . . . I tapped the pencil against my teeth. What else was there?
I shrugged. “I can’t think of anything else.”
Sebastian took the list from me and tucked it into his pocket. “I don’t know how long I’ll be, babe, but try not to worry.” He bent and kissed me goodbye, patted Nero on the head, and then blew out the candle. As he left, the door clicking behind him, a sense of finality settled over me. This was it, in little more than a week I would truly be on my own. This was like a test run on what was about to be the rest of my life.
I sat there till the sun rose, warming the room and forcing me to admit in the light of day that I was on my own.
I cleaned the house, pulled weeds in the defunct garden, checked fences, pulled water from the well, picked rocks out of the lawn and small pasture, and washed the clothes by hand, hanging them to dry on a makeshift clothesline. By late afternoon, I had done a lot and was eyeing up the axe and woodpile. Sebastian was right. I was going to have to learn to do this on my own.
Never having chopped wood in my entire life left me wondering if there was a technique or a method to the process. I scratched my head a moment, then pulled out a fir log that needed to be split, standing it up on end as I’d seen Sebastian do. Before my first swing I pulled the tennis ball I kept in my pocket out and threw it into the field for Nero. He blasted off after it and I had my chance to swing without fear of hitting my pup. I held the very end of the axe handle and gripped it like I would a baseball bat, then with one swing I brought it down, missing the log entirely and burying it into the dirt at my feet.
Rough laughter reached my ears, and I spun to see Scout watching me, sitting at the gate. The dirty little bastard was laughing at my attempt. I flipped him off and he flapped his hands at me, as if egging me on. It was strange to see glimpses of a human personality inside what I viewed now as a large, predatory animal. They weren’t zombies and they weren’t mindless. They really did seem to act like a pack of wolves, hunting their food and sharing it amongst them. I’d even seen them eat shrubs and berries, though it didn’t seem to satisfy them any more than eating large amounts of meat. I let out a snort and tried again, this time giving the log a glancing blow. That’ll teach it. Yeah, right.
I took a deep breath, stared at the log right where I wanted to hit it and brought the axe down for a third time. The axe bit into the center of the fir, dividing it cleanly in half. I dropped the axe in surprise and then did a dance around the two pieces. Again, laughter reached my ears, but I ignored Scout. This was a great moment, one I could be proud of. But with no one to share it with, it was more than a little bittersweet.
I chopped a few more pieces, gaining proficiency until my hands began to hurt and blister, and then proceeded to stack the wood in with the rest, throwing the ball in between stacking to keep Nero busy. Washing up with the water I’d pulled out of the well earlier, I went inside as the summer sun set, the horizon sliding from bright blue to a faded purple with hints of pink. I caught a glimpse of myself in the hallway mirror, and I paused, really looking at myself. A few short weeks ago my life had been about ease and getting pregnant and now, I looked like a . . . I didn’t even know what I looked like. I was deeply tanned, something I’d avoided the last few years, my hair had already lightened, the dark brunette getting a good dose of red highlights, and from the mirror it looked as if I’d lost fifteen or twenty pounds. My clothes hung off my frame, no longer fitting me, something I hadn’t noticed with all the chaos. Even my face had slimmed, my cheekbones becoming more prominent, the shape of my face more defined.
I shook my head, what did it matter now? It wasn’t like we were going to have children or go on vacation somewhere warm where I could show off my body in a two-piece.
Three glasses of water and leftovers from breakfast—cold oatmeal and half of what was my attempt t
o make pancakes the day before—was what made up my lunch. Yummy. Exhausted, I dropped onto the couch and fell asleep in minutes. But, not before I made sure my knife was tucked into the cushion beside me, and Nero was curled up behind my knees.
I dreamed about Sebastian, that we were on our long-awaited honeymoon. There was a beautiful blue ocean, clear to the bottom. Maybe the Caribbean or somewhere in Hawaii—I didn’t know and didn’t care; he wasn’t sick. I could see that, even though he was down the beach from me, his skin was tanned and healthy, not a single yellow tinge on him.
I looked down at myself in, hell yeah, a two-piece and a white gauzy sarong around my now-slim hips, the kind the super models wear on a beach shoot. I looked up and Sebastian was gone.
“Bastian?” I said, my voice eaten up by the waves and the sound of the crashing surf.
“I’m here, babe.” He was behind me, his arms circling around my waist.
I leaned into him. “I thought you were gone.”
He kissed my temple and let go of me, I spun in the wet sand, but he was already down the beach, walking slowly, bending every now and then to pick up something from the sand. I laughed and ran toward him, sprinting to cover the short distance. But no matter how hard I ran, no matter that he was only walking, I couldn’t catch him.
“Sebastian, wait for me,” I yelled, out of breath and no longer feeling so sexy.
He didn’t turn back, just kept on walking as if he couldn’t hear me, his broad back quickly disappearing into the distance.
“Sebastian!” I threw myself out of the dream and off the couch, thumping hard on the wooden floorboards, Nero waking up with a snort.
Footsteps pattered on the porch out front, multiple feet running. Shit, shit, shit. I gulped down a breath and slid to the window, peeking up over the sill. There were four of them and one of me. This was not good, not good at all.
Sundered: Book 1 (The Nevermore Trilogy) Page 6
