More than a week had passed, maybe even longer since Sebastian had left me, and I found myself talking to Nero, having full conversations with the puppy. He would cock his head and listen, his pink tongue hanging out as he stared up at me. It was in the middle of one of these conversations that our three acres suddenly felt terribly claustrophobic, so much so that I started to tremble.
I scanned the back property for where Dan had gone into the bush. A spring of hope whispered through me. Of course Dan was still alive! He had a freaking bunker full of guns and food, Nero and I could go and get food and a gun. My rational self tried to remind me that Sebastian had gone to Dan’s and come away with nothing, and that I didn’t trust Dan—but my need to see and speak to another person was driving me beyond what was rational.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” I asked Nero. He gave me what I chose to believe was an affirmative yip. The trek would require me to put my life on the line to reach a man I barely knew and wasn’t entirely sure of, yet I was ready to do it if it meant having someone to talk to, even for a just a little while. I justified my idea with the thought that I would be able to get food from him and maybe even a weapon, if he held true to his word.
“It’s all I’ve got,” I said.
I went inside, and grabbed the three empty knapsacks tucking them inside one another till there was only the one for me to carry. I couldn’t take them all full, but it was a nice thought to think that I would be filling them up.
I wanted to bring my knife so that it was at hand without me holding on to it the whole time. It was a forty-five minute walk, maybe longer if I had to duck for cover. I paused in my preparations; maybe it would be shorter, if I had to run the whole way. I put the backpack on backwards and lifted Nero into it, his head sticking out along with his tongue. I laughed at him and he gave me a doggy grin, licking at my face. He was getting bigger, but I didn’t think he could walk the whole way, and I didn’t want to leave him here on his own in case I didn’t come back. At least out there he might have a chance at finding food and surviving.
An ungodly screech filled the air and the hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention. I ran to the front door, skidding to a stop on the threshold. The pack was in a giant circle on the far side of the gate, screaming, hollering, and otherwise making as much noise as possible. In the centre of the circle was the Alpha male and, I let out a low moan, Sebastian.
Pulling myself together, I slid off the pack and put Nero on the ground then ran to the gate, my knife clenched firmly in my hands. What I thought I was going to do about this was anyone’s guess; I sure as hell didn’t know.
The pack ignored me, focused solely on the two men in the circle as they jabbed and struck at one another. I knew it was a fight for dominance, but it was hard for me to see my usually passive, nonaggressive husband with his lips curled back over his teeth, growls emanating from his mouth.
They rammed each other; grappling for the upper hand, and I found myself yelling along with the pack, screaming at Sebastian to finish the Alpha off, Nero barking and jumping at my feet. The energy around us swirled, bringing us for a moment into their world, swept up in the fight for the stronger leader. If it was a battle to the death, there was no doubt in my mind who I wanted to win, even if Sebastian was no longer himself.
The clash of bodies caused a huge dustbowl, the dry dirt road and wind making perfect conditions for it. The two men were soon caked in a fine dusting of powdered earth, the sweat rolling down their bodies, catching each particle and sticking it to them. Their bodies now a strange shade of yellow highlights and red-brown mud only added to the animalistic surrealism of the scene. I took a step back and really looked at what was going on. The pack was split, half on one side of the circle and half on the other. I had a feeling that Scout would be on Sebastian’s side. I scanned the crowd and spotted him on the left, Jessica next to him. I frowned. Wouldn’t she want to be on her mate’s side? A strange squirming feeling settled in my belly. She would be, unless she saw Sebastian as the better mate for her, stronger, younger and better able to care for her and any babies she had.
“You stay away from him!” I surprised myself by yelling at her. Not that she paid me any attention; she was totally focused on the match, her eyes never leaving the two men.
I took a step back and a deep breath. What did I think was going to happen? I closed my eyes and tried to slow my ever escalating thoughts, tried to banish a sudden image of Jessica and Sebastian rolling on the ground, their bodies naked and intertwined, wrestling in a far different way than he was now entangled with the Alpha. He wouldn’t do it. I had to believe there was enough of Sebastian left that he wouldn’t have sex with Jessica. My stomach rolled and I swallowed on the bile that rose in my throat, an unexpected burn of anger starting. He hadn’t even done anything and already I was feeling the effects of jealousy and bitterness at the thought of Bastian and Jessica together.
A crack of bone and I opened my eyes to see the Alpha male on the ground, his ankle twisted at the wrong angle. He let out a moan and dropped his head, defeated by his younger opponent. The pack swirled around, hopping and thumping the ground with their hands and feet, some of them diving into their fallen leader and taking pot shots at him.
The pack stepped back; their eager grunts and gestures making it clear even to me that they wanted Sebastian to finish him off. This was the final moment of his humanity and I knew it. The minute he killed the man helpless at his feet would be the minute I had to say goodbye to him forever. If it had been a battle to the end, that would have been different, survival, but not this killing of a defenceless creature at his feet.
Sebastian walked over to the Alpha and stared down at him, not moving, just looking. The Alpha kept his eyes down and held perfectly still. He knew as well as the rest of them what was coming.
“Sebastian.” I said, not truly thinking he would heed me. To my disbelief, he turned and looked me in the eye. “Don’t do this. Don’t let them take the last of what makes you you.”
My eyes filled, but I didn’t cry. I put every emotion I could into my next words, hoping he would listen.
“Don’t kill him.”
The pack, perhaps sensing my interference started to grumble. They milled toward the gate and I stepped back out of reach, but I never broke eye contact with Sebastian.
Something flickered in those alien eyes—an emotion that was so achingly human—a piece of my husband I thought was gone forever. Compassion.
He stepped away from the Alpha and growled at the pack, which then froze in their advance on me and the gate. A second, lower growl and they backed off, slinking into the bush from where they had come. All except for Jessica, who hovered close by, her rail thin body swaying to music I couldn’t hear, and the previous Alpha, who pulled himself to his feet and, dragging his broken ankle, limped down the road alone, away from the pack’s territory. Jessica didn’t even look at her mate as he passed her. She had eyes for only one person.
Sebastian stared at Jessica and I recognized the look; he’d given it to me more than once. His eyes were dark with desire, his lips parted and a steady pulse throbbed at the base of his neck. She preened under his gaze, a noise similar to a purr bubbling out of her as the swaying intensified, her tiny hips rocking faster and faster, side to side.
I didn’t want to see this, it was bad enough knowing it would happen right outside the home Sebastian and I had started to make for ourselves. I turned my back and started to walk for the house, feeling like if I ran it would somehow make things worse. A low grumble from Sebastian and an answering purr from Jessica sped my feet up. But I didn’t run. Around the back of the house I went, straight to the garden.
I stared at the ground, far enough away that I couldn’t hear anything. A girlish shriek made me jump. On second thought, the back fences needed checking. I ran now to where they couldn’t see me, Nero right behind me, his panting giving him away. Through the tall grass that would have one day been pasture for the k
id’s pony I’d hoped to have, past the tall maple we’d tied a rope to for a tire swing, all the way to the back fence where I collapsed to my knees.
Breathing hard, my blood thumping in my ears, I strained to hear any more while at the same time desperately wishing I wouldn’t. My blood slowed, heartrate settling back to a steady beat, and nothing but the birds in the trees and the occasional song of a frog reached me. Nero plunked himself down beside me and rolled on his back, luxuriating in the cool grass. I wish I could be as nonchalant about life, could enjoy even the little moments.
“I can’t do this, not on my own, not by myself,” I whispered, lying on the ground, staring up at the blue sky with the tall, brilliantly green stalks of grass surrounding me, making me feel like a child again. In a daze with my heart numb, I struggled with the jealousy, anger, and pain that warred for my attention. In the back of my mind, I’d thought he would snap out of the drug’s effects, that because he still watched over me, still remembered me, he would come back to himself. That hope was dashed against the reality of what was happening outside the gate.
My head knew that it would be unfair to judge him; he would never have pursued Jessica if he were in his right mind. But that knowledge didn’t change how I felt, or how much it hurt me to see him want her.
I closed my eyes and lay down next to Nero, and when I opened them again, I knew I was dreaming, knew it wasn’t real, but I wanted it to be.
Sebastian stood across the field from me, the summer season having slipped into fall and the grass golden in the fading sunlight. “What are you staring at, babe?”
I laughed and stood, my balance off kilter, and when I looked down I realized why. I was pregnant, and not just a little bit, a lot. I ran my hands over my belly, the babe rolling under my fingertips. “We’re pregnant,” I said, looking to Sebastian for confirmation of what I felt inside me.
He smiled and started toward me. “Of course we are. That’s why I took the shot, remember?”
My elation faded. “No, you didn’t take the shot, couldn’t have, it turns people into monsters.”
Sebastian laughed, and then was suddenly at my side, his hands on my belly. “No one turns into monsters, babe. We are the future, the others, those who didn’t take the shot, they’re the past.” He held a mirror up to my face, and I gasped.
Yellow eyes stared out at me from what looked like my face, a gaunt, emaciated version of me with jaundiced skin pulled tight over the bones. I stared at my arms as the flesh shrunk and the skin stretched showing every sinew and ligament in clear relief. Horror rippled through me, my mouth dry. I clung to my disbelief like a life raft in rough seas.
“No. I can’t take the shot, I can’t,” I said as I backed away from Sebastian.
He didn’t change, didn’t look any different, and then he smiled, a big toothy grin that showed me row upon row of shark teeth glinting down on me. He lunged. I gasped as I sat bolt upright in the long grass, my hand going to my stomach.
Sebastian and I had made love several times since he’d taken the shot. Was my subconscious trying to tell me something, or was my mind playing tricks on me?
15
I walked slowly back to the house and peeked around the edge to see the front gate still standing, with no one there, not even Scout.
That was it then, Sebastian was gone with them now, Jessica and him a pair. I let my mind sit on that, accept it for fact, and then slipped into the house, going straight to the bathroom. I flipped open the calendar and looked at the little “P” that I’d put on the dates that I had my period and my breath caught in my throat. With all the upheaval, I hadn’t noticed that not only was I late, I was almost due for a second period.
I threw myself to my knees and ripped open the bathroom cupboard. Toilet paper, towels and bars of soap went flying out behind me. Nero yelped when something bounced off him, but I continued my search for the pregnancy test I knew was in there somewhere.
“Where the hell is it?” I yelled just as my fingertips brushed up against a rectangular box that I knew was pale pink before I even pulled it out. I ripped the package open and stared at the instructions. I knew the drill, drop your pants, pee on the stick, and wait for two minutes.
The waiting was the hardest part. I sat on the edge of the tub and stared at the stick resting perfectly flat on the edge of the sink, counting to 120 under my breath.
“. . . 115, 116, 117, 118. Close enough.” I stood, walked to the sink and looked down to see a perfect pink plus sign.
I didn’t know whether to be happy or terrified; both emotions rushed through me, swinging from one to the other and back again. I placed my hand on my stomach. I had to figure out how far along I was. The first time we’d made love after he took the shot was . . . I counted back in my head, using the calendar for a reference. It was six and a half weeks ago.
“I can’t go to Dan’s. I can’t risk you little one.” I touched my stomach as a new and even more terrifying thought assailed me. The baby had been conceived when Sebastian had the Nevermore drug flowing through his system. What would happen to him or her? Would the child be born as a Nevermore or as a human? I shook off the questions that, at the moment, didn’t matter. Until the baby made it here safely, there was no point in borrowing trouble.
I made my way downstairs and counted the food I had, already knowing the outcome, but needing to see it anyway. There was no way it was enough to see me through nine months of pregnancy and the first few months of motherhood that I would need it to. If I was careful I could make it stretch for a few more weeks, closer to the end of my first trimester. At that point I would have to make a supply run, several in fact, if I was going to make it.
Resolve filled me as I considered the alternative. A certainty that I could do this, if not for myself then for the child I was carrying, the last connection I had with Sebastian. I sat down and started to make a list of all the things I would need, not just for myself, but for the baby too: diapers or cloth to make diapers, bottles, formula, blankets, and clothes. Crap, baby clothes might be hard; we lived in an area of retirees.
“Not that I’m complaining little one, but your entry into my life sure has turned things upside down.”
I smiled, thinking about having the baby, tried not to think about all the things that could go wrong or that I would be by myself for the delivery. I scrubbed my hands over my eyes, exhausted despite the nap I had in the field. Climbing the stairs, my legs feeling like lead, I snuggled into bed. Nero curled up beside me as I breathed in the scent of Sebastian’s aftershave on his pillow, for the first time in days, not feeling completely lost, feeling like there was a purpose to me being here and a reason to fight to stay alive.
16
Over the next three weeks, I was careful not to do anything too strenuous while still attempting to keep things going. I hauled water every day, just smaller amounts; I checked fences still, only slower. I even managed to get some carrots to grow. They were a long way from edible, but the piss-poor fencing job I’d put up around the small garden patch was at least keeping the deer and rabbits out. Not to mention Nero ran after everything that moved; rabbits, crows, and deer included, which helped with the critter control.
I looked back on the calendar to see how far along I’d been when I miscarried the first time. Only about five weeks, which I was well past now. There was a small bump by late evenings from the bloat, that if you didn’t know me you’d think I’d been slacking on my workouts and had developed a bit of a paunch.
I told stories to the baby every night, mostly about Sebastian and how we’d met, and then I’d sing until I fell asleep, my bedroom window open and the cool summer night air breezing in. The pack was remarkably silent during this time, so much so that it was easy to forget they were even there. Scout only checked on the gate once, and I found myself smiling and waving at him, happy to see someone other than the local wildlife. Of course, I suppose he was part of the local wildlife. Even Nero had given up barking at Scout, settling f
or a minor growl and a lip curl. I didn’t correct him for that, as far as I was concerned at some point he would be a big dog and it was good for him to learn now who to mistrust. Everyone but me.
Three weeks and two days into finding out I was pregnant, I was down to the last two cans of food, both beans. It was early in the morning, just as the colour was beginning to change the sky. Today was the day.
“This is it,” I said. “Okay, baby, we have to make a hard trip, probably several, and I don’t want you to be afraid. I’ll protect you, no matter what.” I ran my hands over my belly, stroking the hard bump, wishing I could hold the little one.
I took my list and tucked it into the back pocket of my jeans, grateful now more than ever that there was some weight loss before I got pregnant; otherwise, I’d be looking for fat clothes for me along with food and clothes for the baby.
My kitchen knife slid into a homemade sheath that went on my belt for easy access, one of those projects I managed to do while essentially waiting for the food to run out. Then the last two cans of beans went into the bag along with a can opener. I was worried I might have to stay in other homes where there was no food. Better to be over-prepared than caught out in the open like a fool. I patted Nero on the head and left him in the house. This was not going to be a walk he would join me on.
I peeked out the front bay window before leaving, hoping the pack was there, but not expecting it. If they were at the gate, I was less likely to run into them on the back trail. Movement at the gate surprised me.
Sebastian leapt from the shadows where he’d sat the first few days after he’d removed himself from the farm, his eyes wide as he stared at me. I stepped out onto the front porch, my heart pounding in my throat.
Sundered: Book 1 (The Nevermore Trilogy) Page 8
