by Virna DePaul
I turned back to my glass and frowned. “How ’bout we drop the topic of Sara Crawford. I’m so fucking done with all that.”
“No, you’re not. And I’m just saying, don’t give up hope so fast, and don’t be an ass. If you completely push Sara away with your charming overreaction, then you’ll never see how right I am about her. Give the girl a chance.”
I wanted to believe what he was saying. That Sara’s reaction hadn’t been a rejection of me, but of what she’d seen as potential heartache for me. But the other part of me didn’t even want to go there. Sometimes it was just too painful to hope. I downed the rest of my vodka and slapped the empty glass on the bar. “Man, I need more hooch.”
“No.” Ben chuckled softly. “You need to take a cold shower, sober up, and sleep. Then you can think about where to go from here and how to win Sara back before you let your best shot at happiness slip through your fingers. Because she made you happy, Wes. Happier than I’ve ever seen you.”
I swallowed hard and looked at my friend. “It’s true. She did. But she also cut me, man. More than I’ve been cut. More than even when my family disowned me. I don’t know if I can give her that power over me again, Ben.”
He smiled sadly. “She has the power no matter what, Wes. But she also has the power to make all your dreams come true. Don’t you think she’s worth the risk?”
I’d thought so. Part of me still did. So the question was, what was I gonna do about it?
I’d never thought of myself as a coward, but there was plenty of evidence to the contrary, given how much of myself I’d kept hidden from those closest to me.
Was it really that unreasonable to expect Sara would need time to get used to the idea that there was more to me than she’d originally thought?
Dare I hope?
I knew one thing—I couldn’t go to her drunk as a fucking skunk. And I’d have to figure out one hell of an apology for how I’d treated her. If she ever wanted to hear from me again, that is.
“Another, sir?” the bartender asked.
I shook my head. Nope. Time for this bad boy to sober up.
Chapter 16
Sara
My head was spinning and I couldn’t stop crying. Thoughts kept charging through my brain and ever-changing emotions wouldn’t stop racing through my heart. Even as I sat on my bed and tried to study for my next exam, I couldn’t. How could I focus when I felt so utterly shattered?
Last night Wes had dumped me. Broken my heart. How was I supposed to cram for exams with bits of pieces of my heart scattered to the wind?
I’d replayed the entire conversation in my head so many times since last night when I’d walked out of the gorgeous hotel room in those high heels, taken the subway back to my dorm, and collapsed on my bed in a puddle of tears. For hours I’d cried, until I finally passed out in a pile of wadded up tissues, still in my sexy video vixen outfit. Minus the shoes, of course.
I’d woken up too late to attend my first class, and one look in the mirror told me I’d best steer clear of people today. My eyes were swollen and red and even my nose was puffy. And I couldn’t stop crying. So I’d decided to skip the remainder of classes for the day and instead hid out in my dorm room, trying to study but getting interrupted every thirty seconds or so by my brain’s inability to let go of the break-up last night.
Wes had gotten it all wrong, and he hadn’t even had the decency to wait for me to explain myself. Yes, my words had come out all tangled and unclear, and maybe I’d emphasized stuff I didn’t need to.
But Wes had been so focused on my reaction to him being bisexual that he’d ignored just about everything else.
Yes, Wes was bi, and though that news had shocked me, it wasn’t anything I couldn’t accept, or even understand.
If it was just me.
My major concern, the first thing I’d thought about when he’d told me, was how my father and my father’s enemies would tear us apart if we kept dating. Would tear Wes apart. Granted, my father would have tried to destroy our relationship anyway, just because he was a rock star, but Wes hadn’t been trying to keep his rock star status a secret. And no matter who did it—my dad or his enemies—Wes would be outed.
And that, for Wes, was a huge deal. He’d made it clear last night that him being bisexual was something he kept utterly private, and I fully understood what a serious secret it was to him when he informed me he hadn’t even come out to his bandmates.
If we were together, he’d be outed in no time. My father would make certain of it.
What would being outed against his will do to Wes’s heart? To his career? To his friendships? He obviously feared it would negatively impact something, otherwise why keep it a secret all this time?
If I somehow played a part in ruining Wes’s life and career, I’d never be able to forgive myself.
Wes was better off without me. I wasn’t going to be the source of pain for him.
At least, that was I’d told myself at first.
Only he hadn’t looked like he was better off when I’d started dressing and preparing to leave. He’d looked betrayed.
And then he’d not listened to a word I was trying to say, and had spoken over my silence, making assumptions that just weren’t true. And when I’d tried to explain, he’d shut me down. More than once.
Then, when he’d told me he loved me—at least I think he told me he loved me—I’d been so shocked I’d sat there gulping air like a guppy out of water. And he’d taken my silence as rejection.
He’d told me to get out. No—he’d ordered me to get out.
So I’d left, knowing I had to give up Wes Shaw. That I wasn’t good for him. That my presence in his life would only bring him pain. That the two of us could never be. Because honestly, did we really have a chance? Or were we destined to be tragic lovers, like Romeo and Juliet, like how he’d mentioned?
I was so confused. So conflicted. So very, very hurt. And right then, I only wanted to talk to one person. My father had told me he’d keep me from my mother if I didn’t fall in line. But he hadn’t put the wheels into motion yet.
I pulled out my phone and punched in a number. When a warm voice answered, I choked out in a thin reedy voice, “Mom?”
Thirty minutes later, I ended the call with my mom, swiping at my lingering tears but sitting up straighter now, and wearing a slight smile.
I’d been right to call her. Out of everyone in my life, my mother was the one balanced voice I could hear. She’d listened with compassion, with understanding. She’d heard me as I spoke of my faith, of my belief in what was right and good in the world. And when she spoke, sharing with me what had happened to my sister a few years ago, I’d been shocked.
Apparently, many years before, Rebekah had fallen in love with a young man of a different faith. She’d wanted to run away to be with this boy, but our father had found out and destroyed the relationship. In doing so, he’d crushed Rebekah’s heart. Even worse, after that, Father had hounded her and made her do penance until she’d almost come to hate the young man who’d done nothing but love her.
Fortunately for my sister, she’d later been introduced to Bill, a new member of my father’s ministry, and had eventually fallen in love with him.
“Do not let your father control your life. Do not let him control who you love. I never want you to lose your faith in love, most of all,” my mother had told me.
We spoke longer, and by the time I’d hung up, I knew what I needed to do. There was no turning back. I had made my decision. But would that decision be welcomed?
I was looking around for my jacket so I could head out when I heard a knock at my door. I frowned. My roommate wasn’t supposed to be back for a few hours. I wasn’t expecting anyone, either. When the knock sounded again, I opened the door.
Before me stood Ben. My heart leaped into my throat. What was Wes’s best friend doing here? This couldn’t be good.
“I think we need to talk, if that’s okay,” he said, with soft determinati
on.
“Why?”
“Because I’m Wes’s best friend, and he might be a stupid ass about some things, but the least stupid thing he’s ever done is fall for you.”
I blinked, smiled, then stepped back. “In that case, come on in.”
Chapter 17
Sara
“Um…can I get you something to drink?” I was nervous, needing to do something with my hands. I had no idea why Ben was here, and I was girding up to do battle. I wasn’t about to let Wes’s best friend stand in my way.
“Sure,” Ben said, leaning against the wall.
With shaking hands, I opened the mini fridge. “All I have is soda.”
He ran a hand through his dark hair. “Sounds great. But is it okay if I shut the door? Sound carries, and we don’t want that.” At my quick nod, he shut the door behind him and sat down at my desk. “I need to tell you what kind of visit this is.”
I pulled out two Fantas, handed him one, and leaned against my desk. There was no way I could sit with the nervous energy brimming through me. “Are you here as the jealous ex?”
He shook his head, his eyes kind. “Nah. I’m here for another reason entirely.” Then he chuckled.
“What?”
“I was just thinking of the etiquette column of the year: Emily Post’s Guide for Bi Guys. Seems Wes really could have used some good advice.”
Despite everything, I laughed. Maybe it was the nervous tension, or the anxiety, or it could have been because Ben was genuinely funny and relaxed, but the chuckles felt good, as if a massive weight was being lifted from my chest.
“You know Wes is an incredible person,” he said, turning serious.
“I never said he wasn’t,” I replied. “I think he’s great.”
“Yeah, and I believe you believe that.”
“Then why are you here?”
“Because I know him. We’ve been friends since we were kids, and I know from years of experience that he can be a complete idiot. His automatic reaction when anything gets hard is to put up the biggest wall he can, to try and make someone leave him first, instead of dealing with it. That’s what I’m scared he’s doing now,” Ben said, tapping his fingers on my desk.
“If he put up walls against me, and I know he did, given he wouldn’t even listen to me and told me to leave our hotel room, then I guess I don’t blame him. I didn’t handle him telling me he was bisexual very well. I mean, I tried, but I was awkward and said all the wrong things.”
“You care about him.”
I nodded. “Absolutely. My feelings for him haven’t changed after he came out to me.” I sagged against the desk. “Ben, I’m falling in love with him.”
“That’s huge.”
“Yeah. But is it a good thing? I mean, I need to think about what kind of risks Wes would be taking by being with me. The real issue, Ben, is the attention. Once news spreads of us being together, my father will target Wes. Or my father’s enemies will use Wes to try to hurt my father, and destroy Wes.”
He gave me a tender look. “I figured you were trying to protect him. You know, though, that’s a choice Wes has to make. That’s his risk to take if the two of you are together. You can’t make that choice for him.”
I nodded. “I know. That’s something I came to realize. But Ben, is he really ready for that? Because he’s been hiding who he is all this time. He doesn’t want anyone to know about his sexuality. It’s intensely personal to him. I have to respect that he wants to keep it hidden. He has for years.”
“But he didn’t have you by his side then. Does he now?”
“If he wants me, he has me.”
“Then you need to let him know that. You need to make him believe it.”
I swallowed. Easier said than done.
“Have you thought about what being in a relationship with him would mean for you?” Ben asked, placing his hand on mine.
His touch warmed me. Calmed me. I nodded. “I have. And I talked with my mother about it.”
“Your mother? Really?”
“She’s always been more open minded than my father. And while she didn’t necessarily like or approve of a lot I told her, she ultimately gave me the words I needed to hear.”
“And what were those?”
“What I took from her was that love is love. And in the end, love always wins.”
“Wow, I love your mother.”
I laughed. “So do I. Your timing couldn’t be better, you know. I’d just hung up on her and was about to leave to find Wes. To see if we could work things out.”
“Ah, so I really didn’t need to come here and talk sense into you?”
“Nope. You didn’t. But I’m glad you did. It shows how much you care about Wes.”
“He’s my best friend,” Ben said simply. “I’ve never seen him as happy as when he’s with you.”
“I want to believe that. Don’t get me wrong—I’ve decided I’m going to fight for Wes, but I’ve still got my insecurities. His life is so intense. Wealth. Fame. Beautiful women…” I looked at Ben. “Beautiful men…”
Ben cracked a smile.
“Seriously. Sometimes I wonder why me. Why this plain vanilla cookie right here?” I caught a glance of myself in the mirror, and wow, did I need a good run through the car wash.
“Because vanilla is the finest of the flavors, darling. Do you know its value is higher than that of silver right now? Wes can recognize the real stuff when he sees it. The good stuff. Trust me, he’s in love with you.”
“How do you know?” I asked. Not that I hadn’t felt it in his kiss and every touch.
“Well, he flat-out told me, but you already know the truth, don’t you?”
I did. I looked down at my feet. “But we’ve only known each other for a short while. Love doesn’t work that fast, does it?”
“It can. And it does.”
“But…but this is me we’re talking about.”
“You have so much to give—I don’t even know how you can’t see it,” he said, reaching out and gently tipping my chin up and offering me a slow smile. “There’s a reason Wes put you in his segment of the concert film, and it’s not just because he thinks you’re hot. It’s because he wanted to immortalize you. This way, even if you did walk away from him, he’d have a part of you forever. But honestly, Sara, you don’t have to worry about the ghost of me or groupies. Wes is totally all about you.”
“Thank you,” I whispered.
“So? What are you waiting for?”
Chapter 18
Sara
I’d stopped by the nearby bodega and grabbed a few things before hailing a taxi to take me to Wes’s place. I knocked four times on his door before he finally opened it. Those moments waiting for him were interminable, as if time itself were threatening to swallow me whole, keep me lost. In contrast, when he opened the door, I felt like I’d been granted access into paradise. Holding up the bag of food I’d brought with me, I offered him what I could.
“First, I brought fresh baked cookies. Second, I talked to my mom. Third, I talked to Ben, too.”
“What?” Wes asked, too shocked to do anything but let me pass through.
“You heard me. I told my mom about you. Then Ben and I had a long and interesting conversation and believe me, this whole ‘I have to shoulder everything alone and hide my true feelings’ bullshit isn’t cute. We voted, and we both want you to cut it out.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “Wait, so you and Ben are in a conspiracy?”
“Maybe. Do you want peanut butter or dark chocolate chip?” I asked, digging into the grocery bag.
He hesitated, and I held my breath, remembering how confused and panicked I’d been at the hotel. He’d been so hurt by what he’d viewed as my rejection of all he was, and it was very likely he’d tell me to get out now, just like he’d done then.
“Wes—” I began, but at the same time he said “Peanut butter.”
I swallowed hard, blinked back tears, then threw myself into his arms.
He hugged me tight, and I luxuriated in the feel of his strength and heat even as I choked out, “I was hoping you’d say peanut butter. It’s a sign.”
“Of what?” he murmured.
I pulled back, kissed him gently, then reached into the bag to pull out a peanut butter cookie. I held it out and said simply, “Of true love.”
His eyes widened and a wary expression flickered across his face. His arms dropped to his sides, making me suddenly cold and lonely. “Are you sure, Sara? I know I come off as a big bad rock star, but I’m fragile. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I knew you were fucking with my feelings.”
“I’m not.”
“Then…” He stared at the cookie, as if too afraid to look at me. “Then what does all of this mean? You gotta spell it out.”
“I’m pretty sure you told me you loved me last night, although the proclamation came out rather garbled. I’m here to tell you I love you, too. And I want to be with you. No matter what.”
A deep shudder went through his body and he swayed toward me. “So you love me? Even though I’m going to make your life hell? Even though I’m going to force your hand with your father? Maybe I’m not worth it.”
I took his hands. “That’s not true. You’re everything. You’re smart, you love what you do, you’re a great partner in Point Break and a wonderful friend to Ben and Vickie—even though Vickie can be a bit much to handle.”
“She doesn’t mean—”
I smiled. “Anything to you. I know. I mean, besides friendship, which is something I can handle.” I sucked in a deep breath. I had to get these next words right. “Wes, you’re more than your image. You even found something else besides music that drives you—making films—and you studied it even if other people might have mocked you for it. You lobbied Henri and now you’re doing what you’ve always wanted. There are so many sides to you that no one sees, Wes. Of course I love you, and you’re definitely worth me standing up to my dad. It’s something I’ve needed to do anyway. Not for you. For me. But now that there’s an US, it just makes me more determined than ever. Still scared, yes, but more determined.”
