The red drapes, the concrete floor, the walls, the bed. Everything, except for what I feel inside.
All gone …
My room is just as it was. On the floor is the paper that I took from Beth’s bag.
Footsteps on the stairs.
‘Oh, there you are – I’ve been calling you, why didn’t you answer?’ She sounds a little irritated. ‘Where have you been?’
‘Nowhere…I’ve been here in my room.’
‘I just came in here, the room was empty!’ Her tone suggests to me that she is worried after my little meltdown earlier.
‘I…I-’
‘Anyway, never mind, you’re here now.’
I’m here now.
I keep thinking it, over and over.
I’m here now. I was there…but now I’m here.
Something clicks into place, and all of a sudden, in a way much stranger than before, the entire world has shifted.
And there’s no going back.
23
MY UNCLE’S FINGERNAILS MAKE contact with my face, scraping across my cheek with enough force to break the skin.
The stinging is secondary, because the fear comes first. I clutch at my face as the whirlwind of events takes place before me, rooting me to the spot, before I am pulled away.
‘Get her out of here! Get her away from me!’
When my eyes open, the fear is still with me – alive and electric and all-consuming.
Sitting up, my pillow and hair soaked with sweat, it all comes back to me, pushed to the front of my consciousness with shocking force.
Gabriel lunging towards me, screaming, like a wild animal. My grandfather holding him back, shouting his name, before my dad manages to wrestle him to the ground. My nan in tears. Mum sobbing.
The last time I came here.
Until I ended up in this place, for good.
24
THE BONES PLAY HEAVY on my mind.
They’re real. This is real.
My guts twist when I think of the girl that I found out about in the café that day. They didn’t want to tell me, it was never proven, and my mum guards her younger brother with a similar ferocity that she does me. I trust her. I trust her judgement, but evidence is evidence and that’s all there is to it.
The snow has almost gone. It’s taken two weeks. Christmas is coming. So is Gabe. He’s stayed put over the last few weeks. A couple of short phone calls to ‘check’ on us and the farm.
In my head, I’ve created many scenarios of how I’m going to challenge him, trick him, hold him to account for what I’ve seen him do. But they’re all just fantasies, because really I have no idea.
I need to be alone. I need space. Quiet. Some distance. School is a distraction. As bad as it sounds so are my friends. As for Evan – don’t even think about him. I want to. I want to think about him in so many ways it’s painful. We haven’t really spoken properly for weeks, not since that night when we argued. Looks like he was right – I am keeping people at a distance now, especially him.
The painting is etched into me. It’s sits on me, like the disgusting goblin that stares out from those hideous red eyes.
That room.
That building.
What’s real and what’s possible has changed, but I’m lost in terms of what that means. Lost and alone with so many secrets.
I have no idea what’s gone on in the history lesson that I’ve just sat through. Somehow I managed to take some notes on my pad, but how this happened is beyond me. The seat next to me is empty. It’s usually occupied by Lowri, but from the text she sent this morning the sore throat that she complained about earlier this week has turned into tonsillitis. She won’t be back now until after Christmas.
‘I think we should have a word Seph – you know after the other week.’ Evans voice pierces my awareness and brings me back into the room more fully. His head is cocked slightly to the side and his eyes look at me pleadingly. It’s strange to see him so vulnerable, he’s usually got that casual air of self-confidence around him. Not today. It tugs at me – I almost can’t bear to see him like this.
‘I’m really sorry you know. What I said – I didn’t mean it to sound so personal, or have a go.’
‘It’s fine,’ I say gently. ‘I’m sorry too – for being such a moody cow.’
He smiles, and it makes me do the same. He seems to have taken my more obvious distant behaviour as a sign that I was angry with him, ignoring him on purpose. How is he to know that it’s really so much more than that?
‘Sorry both, but I’m going to need the classroom,’ Mrs. Rawlings, our history teacher interrupts, attempting to usher us both out.
We pack everything up and make our way out into the corridor.
‘I’ve got the car today – I can give you a lift home if you like?’
‘Ok,’ I say, surprising even myself. For a brief moment I think about changing my mind and making an excuse, as the battle between my desire for solitude and my attraction to him rages on, but I just can’t do it to him. I want to go with him.
The younger pupils push their way past us boisterously, glad of their freedom for the day. The younger boys jostle their way out of the building. The girls, in their tight little groups have a go at them for it, slinging dirty looks around, and the teachers try to keep the peace.
There’s a definite feel of the impending Christmas break in the air. Both pupils and staff have got that ‘nearly there’ aura about them.
The car park isn’t too busy. Most of the staff cars are still there. Alex pulls over and rolls down his window, with a half smirk on his face.
‘What’s happening people?’
‘Nothing, just giving Seph a lift home,’ Evan replies matter-of-factly.
‘Whatever – catch you tomorrow.’ And he and his grin are gone.
Evan shakes his head as he opens the car door. I try not to smirk, but it is amusing how Alex manages to wind him up without even trying.
He seems to be even more serious than usual, making me concerned and uncomfortable at the same time. He doesn’t say much as we drive off, although it seems as if he wants to. In the end, I can’t stand it anymore.
‘Ok, so what is it?’
He squirms for a second or so, a sight that I never thought I’d see – not Evan.
‘I’ve spent a lot of time with Beth,’ I joke, attempting to lighten the atmosphere. He laughs a little and a few seconds later pulls over at the side of the road. The engine is switched off and he takes a deep breath while looking down, then turns to look at me.
His face presses at so many places inside of me, and I can feel myself battling, moving in and pulling back. I’ve kept him at a distance for months now, hurting him and myself in the process, but how can I not? To drag him into my screwed-up mess of a life – it just wouldn’t be fair.
Against everything that my rational mind – if I have such a thing left – has been telling me, I want to move toward him, more than I want to pull away. I can’t stand to see him so vulnerable, it’s almost painful. His hand is trembling slightly on the steering wheel, as I reach out and take it in mine, resting it on his knee.
We move towards each other in one slow, long movement. He takes his hand away from mine and holds my face, gently, so gently. I can feel myself letting go in so many ways, just melting away, moving towards him, tasting his kiss, the feel of his skin against mine.
This feeling is so much stronger than I’ve ever felt before. He draws me closer to him and my arms move up around his neck, as I pull the back of his hair through my fingers. We continue to kiss for a few slow long seconds before he pulls away.
‘Whoa.’ He seems surprised, pleasantly so.
‘Yep.’ I place my hair behind my ears shyly, feeling the embarrassment colour my already flushed face.
He grabs my hands, and kisses my mouth, before looking in my eyes intensely.
‘Jesus Evan, stop it.’ I let out a tight laugh.
‘Sorry…I just never thought that-
’
I cut him off. ‘I’m sorry for the way I’ve treated you. His eyes burn into me. I’m drawn to his intensity, but it can be unsettling sometimes and heavy, making me want to pull back. Run away even.
‘You don’t have to explain Seph, it’s my own fault – you made it clear that you weren’t interested. I just couldn’t stay away I s’pose.’
‘Well, obviously I was interested … in you that is … things have just been-’
Now he cuts me off, kissing me then folding me up in his arms. It’s one of the most wonderful places that I’ve ever been. Certainly the best place I’ve been for a long time, and I could stay here forever. Neither of us says anything for a long while, we just sit huddled up in the front of the car. Here in the moment. Together at last.
***
I don’t know how long it’s been but the light is starting to fade away, as it does at this time of year. This has been the most peaceful I’ve felt for the longest time, like time has stood still. Here, in the car with Evan it feels like another world. A calm, warm world.
I reach up and smell his neck – warm and fragranced. I brush my lips over his hot skin, and feel the sensation from his throat as he lets out a low moan. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want this boy. His fingers run through my hair, combing through from the nape of my neck. His touch is the most exciting thing I’ve ever felt, and I can feel my body responding as I move closer and closer into him.
The mobile phone in his pocket buzzes for the third time. ‘Are you kidding me?’ The interruption annoys him. ‘I’m gonna need to get back soon. I’m supposed to have the car back straight after school.’
‘Yeah – it’s getting dark, that’s probably your mum.’ I try not to sound too disappointed.
‘I don’t want to go.’
‘Me neither.’
‘Five more minutes.’
‘Ok – five more minutes.’
‘So does this mean …that …us? We’re on then?’ He doesn’t know what words to use. Probably doesn’t want to frighten me off after the last few months.
‘I suppose it does.’
That kiss again.
‘No pressure Sephone Griffiths. I promise.’
I don’t know how I’m now going to manage a new relationship in my life. I’m not even going to think about it. I just know that I’m not letting it go. Not letting him go. And whatever happens, I trust him, whatever goes on with me, with Gabe – any of it – I trust him, I really do.
In the end we have to give in, the engine gets switched on and we head towards the farm. Evan pulls up in the same spot that he did the night that we argued, but tonight instead of all that we lock hands playfully, steal another few kisses and try not to smile ridiculously at each other.
‘See you tomorrow?’
I don’t know why he’s asking me – of course he’ll see me tomorrow, at school. He must see my quizzical look.
‘Sorry – I mean – I don’t know what I mean.’ He laughs and puts his hands over his face. Still, I can’t resist teasing him a bit.
‘Not so full of it all of a sudden Evan?’
‘I know – stop it. I’m not usually so crap at this stuff.’
‘How much practice have you had?’
‘I mean … interacting in general. Making my point.’
His phone buzzes again. I take off my seat belt, kiss him slowly one last time and get out of the car.
‘See you tomorrow.’ As much as I don’t want to, I close the car door, give a small wave and trudge up the driveway, back up to that house.
I miss him already. All of him.
I decide to ring Beth after I’ve had something to eat, and had a bit of time to myself to let it all sink in, but as usual she beats me to it. I take the new phone up to my room for a bit of privacy and settle down on my bed. This may take a while.
‘I was going to ring you in a bit … I wanted to tell you something before school tomorrow.’
Silence.
‘Beth?’
‘Yes – I’m here – waiting for you to tell me.’ No nonsense as ever with Beth, just get straight to the point.
‘Well – Evan and me – we’re sort of together.’
Wait for it.
‘What! How come? When? I thought you were going to sort it?’
‘I know, I was – it just happened today – I didn’t want to sort it, not in that way – so that’s it.’
I relay the whole story in great detail, as requested, and as usual she listens intently. She’s happy for me. I tell her how strongly I feel for him, but that I want to take things slowly. She thinks she knows why, but I keep that information to myself.
After all the listening, the soul searching, the advice giving, she ends the conversation in the way I’d expect.
‘He is fit though.’
I smile and shake my head. ‘Yes he is.’
Yes, he is. A wave of excitement in my stomach.
It takes another few minutes before we finally put the phone down. And then, for the first time since we met, I lay there and allow myself to think about him – uninterrupted and uncensored – for as long as I can.
25
IT DOESN’T LAST LONG. I’m angry at myself for even pretending that it would.
4.02am. The room is cold and dark.
There is no Evan. There is no me and Evan.
All I can feel are dark, greedy eyes on me, and his breath at my ear.
‘Seph-on-eeee.’ It comes out long, and slow, and gravelly, in a sing-song way that is all wrong.
He’s coming.
26
BONES AND BREATHand blood. They’re taking me over. Dancing around my head. Invading my senses. Go away.
He’s due back on Christmas Eve. Today’s the twenty-first, my mother’s birthday. She’s glad he’s coming. It’s made her birthday she says. I want to puke.
She moves around downstairs, humming – something gentle and uplifting. If it wasn’t her birthday I’d ask her to stop. She arranges the flowers I gave her, in the new vase that I picked up in town. It’s warm red, blown glass. The roses are packed tightly into its slender stem. Red and white, sitting side by side.
‘I love it,’ she says, and pecks me on the cheek, smiling.
‘Good,’ I reply, ‘cos I couldn’t stand the sight of that old one anymore!’
‘Don’t let your nan hear you say that,’ she says pointing to the sky, ‘that was her favourite vase.’
‘Sorry Nan,’ looking at the roof sarcastically ‘but I thought I needed to drag your daughter into the twenty-first century.’
Make her laugh. Pretend. It’s her birthday after all.
27
EVERYTHING CRUNCHES UNDERFOOT. The white frost stretches out across everything within its reach. The fields, the roof, the car bonnets and windows. Grey sky. White and cold below. Steam escapes from mouths, car exhausts, and pipes that poke out of the buildings and rooftops.
Last day at school. I try to wrap my head around the fact that I’ve already been here for a whole school term. I try not to think about all the things that have happened in that short space of time – how is that even possible? Luckily, there’s not much chance of me going there at this point, because Beth and Alex come charging towards me, all hugs and smiles.
I should look happy. I should be smiling. I should be thinking about Evan. Me and Evan. But all I can hear is my name on a stranger’s lips; a dark, almost-stranger, who picks at me from the inside.
‘Whoa Seph, you look rough,’ says Alex.
‘Thanks mate.’
‘Nice,’ says Beth flatly with a stony face that she points towards him. He looks genuinely terrified, and tries to backtrack.
‘Listen … forget it. Just had a rough night that’s all … not much sleep,’ I say dismissively. It’s not his fault he’s an idiot sometimes.
‘Well no prizes for guessing what was on your mind’ he says, relieved.
Really?
‘And about time I reckon,’ say
s Beth. She locks my arm in hers and leads me down the corridor, with Alex at her side, into the freezing classroom, where we will spend an hour having meaningful conversations about people and places that we never knew.
***
He’s there when I get to the Sixth Form block – trying not to look like he’s waiting for me. But I can tell that he is, and go straight over, surprised by the little bit of light that swells up into my chest.
There’s hardly anyone else in. A couple of boys huddle in the corner at the work stations, planning how they’re going to get into the pub for a drink when the school day ends. Some of the others poke about in their lockers, emptying rubbish, old paperwork and library books that need to be returned before the Christmas break.
I sit down next to him, and he puts down his book, locking his hand in mine before sneaking a quick kiss. His smile soon fades.
‘I was hoping that we could do something tonight, but the folks have decided to go a day early, up to my auntie’s house.’
‘Oh?’ It seems ridiculous, but it stings a bit. ‘I couldn’t anyway – it’s my mum’s birthday, we’re going out for something to eat,’ I respond, trying not to sound too disappointed.
‘Oh, right.’
‘Sounds nice though,’ I say as brightly as I can.
‘We all meet up every Christmas – this time it’s their turn. My mum’s flipping out about having everything ready and the weather and everything, so we’re going up a day early,’ he explains.
‘Family Christmas – sounds nice.’ My stomach turns a little.
‘Yeah – it’s actually ok, I get to see my cousins and stuff – they’re alright. It’s just that this year it’s a bit different cos….’
‘Cos?’
‘Cos I wanted to spend some time with you.’ The words sound wonderful, make me feel wonderful, for a fleeting moment.
‘There’s plenty of time,’ I say, revelling in the fact that he will miss me.
‘S’pose.’
The buzzer goes. Next lesson.
‘Catch you later? – end of school – at the side entrance?
‘Sure,’ I reply, and I try to hold back the tears. I don’t want him to go.
The Twist in the Branch Page 10
