“I mean get out of my apartment. This was a mistake.”
“How in the fuck am I supposed to get home?”
“Take the money. I don’t want it. Just leave!”
I hurried her to the door, locking it behind her before I jumped into the shower. I felt like I had to cleanse myself of what I’d just done. It was stupid of me to think that my loneliness could be cured by creating some kind of clone of Alexa.
She was irreplaceable.
I needed the real thing. I needed my Alexa back. I needed to show her that I loved her and let her know that, no matter what, I was going to fight for her because she was worth it.
18
Alexa
The summer was extremely long. I was going to be advancing to store manager by the end of the year, so I had a lot of things to keep me busy at work but the evenings weren’t very much fun.
I wasn’t hanging out with Kim and Curtis all that much anymore. It was weird to be over there and not say anything to Kim about Nick. She’d ask all the time, but I never wanted to talk about it. Eventually, I found it best to keep my distance.
Once the summer was coming to an end, and my work schedule was beginning to get back to normal, Nick started to pop up again. Nearly every afternoon when I returned home from work, Nick would be sitting on a bench between my apartment and the apartment next door.
There was no way to miss him.
I walked by him as I made my way to the door.
At first, his mere presence scared the shit out of me. I had no idea what he was truly capable of.
I didn’t think he wanted to hurt me. He’d had plenty of chances to do that if that’s what he wanted to do. Still, I watched plenty of crime shows on television, and that alone was enough to make me wonder whether or not I was safe.
For the first couple of weeks, I told him to leave me alone and to just go home. He would get up and leave, only to be sitting in the same place the next day. I threatened to call the cops and have a restraining order placed against him if he came back.
Even that didn’t stop him.
Of course, I never called the police or applied for a restraining order. As upset as he had made me, I didn’t want him to have any trouble with the law, especially because he was out on parole. I didn’t want to be the reason he ended up back in prison.
Being too nice to people has always been one of my most significant problems, and there I was, being a lot nicer to Nick than I probably should have been. I couldn’t help it, though. That’s just the kind of person I am. It was true that when Nick lied to me, he’d hurt me badly.
There was a time when I never wanted to see him again. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him. Over time, however, I started to rethink things. I began to evaluate what my feelings were.
The thoughts that Nick had only gotten with me so he could use me and manipulate me were beginning to slowly fade away. I started coming to the realization that his feelings for me were real, even though he went about everything in the worst possible way. The only thing I wasn’t sure about was what those true feelings were precisely.
Did he love me or was he obsessed with me?
I had no clue. The only thing I knew was that he told me he wasn’t going to let me go without a fight, and he was proving that to me.
Nick told me every day that he loved me and begged for me to sit down and talk to him. He told me that all he wanted was to have me back in his life. I wasn’t ready to talk to him. Not yet anyway.
Instead, I ignored him, walking into my apartment without even looking in his direction. I hoped that if I ignored him, it might make it easier for him to let me go.
Maybe he would realize that I’d meant what I said, and he’d be able to move on with his life. I didn’t want him to spend every day outside of my apartment just to try to talk to me. I didn’t want that for either one of us.
More importantly, however, I didn’t want him to realize how hard it was for me to walk right by him on a daily basis and not talk to him.
There was a giant pat of me that was still very much pissed off about the lies he’d told me. I was petrified that I’d been with an ex-convict and didn’t have a clue. It wasn’t like he was arrested for some kind of non-violent crime.
He’d been in prison for attempted murder.
That was one thing I never understood. I’d never so much as seen him lose his temper so how he ended up in a bar fight was beyond me.
I had a battle going on inside my heart. The part of me that was still mad at him was fighting with the part of me that still loved him. The fact that he was obviously such a hardened man but still let me in was not lost on me. It probably took him a lot to let his guard down, especially after what he’d been through.
I’m sure it was difficult for him to show any emotions, especially after the childhood he was brought up in. For someone who had been so broken to be able to love me so openly and genuinely was something truly unique. He treated me far better than any man had in the past.
The two of us also had an incredible sexual pull to one another. There had been many nights when I sat at home by myself and thoughts of our time together would creep into my mind.
I would remember lying there wrapped up in his strong arms, reminiscing about how safe and protected he always made me feel. When I was with him, I felt like there was nobody who could touch me.
Nobody would be able to hurt me. Never in a million years would I have thought that he’d be the person that would hurt me the most.
As summer ended, the season gave way to fall, my favorite time of the year. I loved watching the leaves on the trees turn into beautiful shades of autumn colors. I enjoyed the feeling of the brisk wind hitting me in the face while the sounds of the drying leaves crunching beneath my feet surrounded me. There was something calming about the season. I don’t know what it was exactly, but it seemed to relax my soul.
I’d had to stay late after work one night and got home quite a bit later than usual. The temperature had dropped, and we were getting ready for our first significant snow of the year. Even though the temperature outside was barely above freezing, Nick was still sitting there when I got there.
“Hey,” he said, smiling through teeth that looked like they were about to start chattering.
He had excitement in his eyes like he was happy to finally be seeing me for the day. I don’t know what it was, but I shot him a smile.
“Hi Nick,” I said in response.
Nick cocked his head and looked at me. He reminded me of an excited puppy who is trying to figure out what you’re doing. He had a look of surprise on his face, not quite believing that I had spoken to him after ignoring him for so long.
“You need some help?” he asked, referring to the large number of bags I’d been carrying.
I wasn’t sure what to do. I began fighting with myself in my head and questioning whether or not I was making a mistake in even speaking to him.
“Uh, yeah, sure,” I told him. “I’ve got a few bags left in the car if you want to grab them for me.”
19
Nick
I jumped up off the bench and ran to retrieve the rest of her bags. My heart was racing, and I felt as though I was in a bit of shock. I couldn’t believe what was happening. I needed to calm myself down, though.
Her letting me help her carry some things in didn’t mean anything. The last time I’d been inside her apartment, I’d also helped her carry bags and the day ended very badly for both of us.
I tried to push that experience out of my mind. I needed to focus on what was happening right then and there. She’d finally spoken to me. I was finally getting the opportunity that I’d waited too long for. I just had to be smart and make smart choices this time around.
Setting the bags on her kitchen table, I turned to look at her. She had her back to me, emptying the bags. It looked like she was getting ready for Halloween as she’d purchase decorations for her windows along with big bags of candy. I smiled watching
her, remembering how much she loved every holiday, regardless of which one it was.
“So, here we are,” Alexa said after putting the last of the things away.
She leaned back against the kitchen counter, forcing a smile across her lips. It was nice to see a smile on her face again, although it didn’t look nearly as good as the smile she used to wear when we were happy together. I could tell she was nervous and uncomfortable. I hated the fact that she was so tense because of me.
“How in this hell did this happen, Alexa?” I blurted out, not bothering to think about what I was going to say before opening my mouth.
I was worried about what her response was going to be. Was she going to say all the things she’d said before? Was she going to remind me that everything happened because of me? Was she going to tell me that we split up because I was a manipulator and a lying asshole?
I braced myself to hear hurtful words, but they didn’t come. Instead, she opened her mouth the say something but decided against it. She looked up at me with deep sadness buried within her eyes.
“I honestly have no idea, Nick,” she finally said. “I honestly have no idea.”
Alexa stood up straight, no longer leaning on the counter. All of a sudden she looked strong and confident, a very different look than she’d had just seconds before.
“I really don’t know, but all of these things that you’ve been doing, showing up here every day, it all has to stop.”
Alexa was looking me directly in the eyes as I was trying to hide the hurt in them. Once again, I was being rejected, and I didn’t know if I was going to be able to handle it again. My stomach felt queasy as I listened to her continue.
“I know why you’re doing all of this, Nick. I really do. You’re doing this because you love me and you’re trying to prove it to me, right?”
I nodded my head.
“That’s the thing, Nick. I don’t doubt that you love me. I know you do. But none of this is healthy for you. You need to stop doing this for you. It’s not fair to you. It’s not fair to me. It’s just not good for anyone.”
20
Alexa
I was trying to make things as easy as I could on him. I wasn’t trying to make him feel bad. I hated the effect my words were having on him. I could see in his face that he was being beaten down. He looked like a lost puppy. I tried to choose my words more carefully.
“Listen, Nick. There’s been a lot of things that have happened between us, and I’m not trying to hurt you. Hurting you is the last thing I want to do. I just think you should forget about me and move on.”
I didn’t even realize that I’d been making my way towards him while I talked but before I knew it, I was standing directly in front of him, looking up into his sad eyes.
When he made eye contact with me, I was caught off guard as the sudden desire for him built up within me. Why in the hell did he have to be so damn attractive?
“That’s just not going to happen, Alexa,” he told me.
His words were not threatening nor did he mean for them to be. He wasn’t saying them to scare me or to attempt to force me into taking him back. They were simply facts. He wasn’t going to give up.
This was a talk that we’d both been needing to have for a long time. I knew it was going to be hard to have the discussion, but I had no clue it was going to be that hard.
The big, strong guy I’d come to know looked like he was going to break down in tears at any moment. I felt like I should say something but I had no idea what words would be helpful in that situation. Instead, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
With my eyes closed, I felt Nick touching my cheek. It was a soft, gentle touch. The kind of touch that always surprised me. You wouldn’t expect someone so big to be able to touch you so softly. I liked it. It was a touch that I missed on a daily basis.
Still, I should have recoiled and pulled away from that touch. It wasn’t fair to him for me to say one thing and then act in a different manner. I didn’t want to lead him on. I didn’t want to confuse him as to what was happening.
Hell, I didn’t want to confuse myself.
As much as I wanted to pull away from his touch, I couldn’t make myself do it. It was almost like he’d put a spell on me. Before I knew what hit me, he leaned in and gave me a soft kiss on the lips.
This wasn’t one of the typical aggressive kisses that we’d shared a hundred times. This kiss was almost too gentle for a man like him to be able to give. Even though our lips barely grazed each other, I could feel the electricity shooting through my body.
He kissed me again, this time a little harder. I could feel my insides tossing and turning, and my pussy felt like it was on fire. Nick kissed me a third time, now slipping his tongue into my mouth while cradling my face in his hands.
I was running my hands up and down his chest, feeling his muscles flex as he moved. I kissed him back. I wanted him so bad. I wanted to rip his clothes off and have him take me right there on the kitchen table.
Right as I was about to grab the bottom of his shirt in an attempt to pull it off his body, he let go of my face and stepped away from me. He took a deep breath before a smile spread across his face. He appeared to be a different person. He wasn’t the same broken man I’d seen for so long.
“Thank you, Alexa,” he said.
“What are you thanking me for?” I asked, entirely unsure of what was happening.
He just smiled even bigger and thanked me again before stepping back towards me and placing his hands on my shoulder.
“You have no idea how badly I’ve needed this,” he said.
I didn’t know what to say to him, but I knew I’d done exactly what I was trying to avoid. I told him one thing and acted in an entirely different manner. Now I’d put all these thoughts and feelings in Nick’s head, and I didn’t want to do that.
“What’s the matter?” Nick said, realizing that I was conflicted.
“We really shouldn’t have done that. That was a bad idea. I shouldn’t have let that happen,” I told him as I buried my face in my hands.
I felt like the walls were closing in on me and I needed to put some space between the two of us. I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room. Nick, of course, followed right behind me.
“Alexa, it’s okay. I realize that you may still need some more time. I’m fine with that. I can give you all the time you need,” he told me, a smile forming on his face once again. “I can see that you still love me, and that’s all I’ve wanted to know this entire time. If you’re not ready yet, that’s fine. I’ve waited this long, and I can wait longer.”
He leaned in and told me he loved me in my ear before giving me a light kiss on the cheek.
After that, he didn’t say another word. He just smiled at me one more time before turning and walking out of the apartment. I stood in place for what felt like forever.
What did I just do?
21
Nick
Even though Alexa had told me that she shouldn’t have let me kiss her, I was in a better mood than I’d been in for a long time. Although I had been there, it all felt like a dream, and I was having trouble processing the fact that things had gone down the way they did.
After months of being apart and her not even willing to speak to me, I was finally able to touch her once again. I was able to kiss her and feel her breath on me. I was pumped.
I was over the moon.
On top of that, she still loved me. She didn’t say those words, but she didn’t have to. I could feel it when I touched her. I could feel it when we kissed. She didn’t have to say she loved me. She never said she didn’t.
As much as I wanted to be with her, I knew that rushing things wouldn’t do me any good. I’d have to be patient and bide my time. I understood that she still needed space. I realized that she needed time to process everything in her head. All I knew was that in the end, she was going to be mine once more.
Alexa and I communicated here and there during th
e weeks that followed. It wasn’t like it used to be, but it was something. I would text her here and there asking about her day, and she’d reply with a couple of sentences. We weren’t where I wanted us to be, but at least it was something.
I knew that she needed time, and I was doing the best I could to make sure I was giving her all the space she needed. It required patience on my part, and I’ve never been known for my patience.
Being without her was driving me crazy. I needed her in my life, and I was really starting to grow frustrated. I wasn’t frustrated with her. None of this was her fault. I was frustrated with the situation in general.
After a while, she finally agreed to meet with me. We both decided that there was going to be no expectations when it came to seeing one another. We were just going to talk and see what happened from there. I was all right with that. At the very least, she was open to giving me a chance.
She got off work at 4:00 pm so we made plans to meet at 5:00. I showed up at her apartment right on time, but she wasn’t there. I waited for a while before calling her cell phone. She didn’t answer. I waited longer and called again with the same result. It was a little after 8:00 when she finally got home.
“Hello, gorgeous. Did you forget we were getting together this evening?” I asked, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek as she approached.
“Nick, this really isn’t a good night for me. I think you should just go home, and I’ll call you tomorrow.”
There was so much hurt and sadness in her eyes. She looked different than I’d ever seen her bore and wondered what was going on.
“Alexa? Are you okay?” I asked as I placed my hand on her shoulder and bent down to be more level with her.
“I’ve just had a horrible day, and I want it to be over with. Can we please do this another night?”
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