The evening had just gone south. And it wasn’t David’s fault. Now her chest ached with guilt. With regret that nothing could ever be different between them. She had tried. She had set her mind to do what was impossible. She owed him an explanation. But how could she tell him without hurting his feelings? It had been a mistake to even think about courting him. She prepared her words. “David, I like you, too.”
Even in the dark, when he glanced her way she could see sparkles in his eyes. Rosy cheeks that became rounder when he smiled.
“You’re a good friend,” she added.
This time, his laugh was edged with nervousness.
“Of course I’m your friend, Annie.” He cleared his throat before continuing. “But I really think a lot of you; I want us to spend time together, if that’s okay.”
Honesty was her only choice. She hated saying what needed to be said. She gathered her strength and spoke in her most gentle, sympathetic tone. “David, I’ve enjoyed this evening more than you’ll ever know. But all we can be is friends.” She hesitated and continued on a more upbeat note. “I want that very much.”
He let out a sigh and gave a slight nod. “It’s that Miller guy, isn’t it?” Before Annie could speak, David continued his train of thought. “I heard you two was gettin’ close at the wedding.”
Annie’s heart pumped harder and harder. So her feelings for Levi were no secret in the community. But she wouldn’t confirm them. That sentiment was something she wouldn’t share with others. What was the point when nothing could come of it? Besides, if she discussed her feelings for Levi with David, it would get back to Mamma, and the last thing she wanted to do was upset her.
“David, any girl would be honored to spend time with you. I know there’s some lucky gal just waiting to court you.”
His laugh was relaxed and accepting. “I’ve always heard you’re direct, Annie. And I sure like that about you. Ya know what? I still want to be friends with you.”
Her heart warmed. She turned to him. “Jah?”
He nodded. “You’re fun to be with. And I appreciate your honesty.” He waved an understanding hand. “Really, I do. I’d like to do things with you every once in a while, but in the meantime, I’ll keep my eyes open for the real deal. And you do the same. How’s that?”
* * *
The next evening, Annie thought back on her outing with David. Mamma seemed happy enough that they’d gone to the singing.
On the surface, Annie guessed things looked all right. And that made her happy. The last thing she wanted was to worry her parents. Why couldn’t she just fall in love with a good Amish boy the way Mamma had fallen in love with Daddy?
Annie gave a dismissive shrug and cut the wick on her kerosene lantern. As soon as she lit the flame, she carefully placed it on her bedroom floor. She was always careful to keep the light away from anything that could start a fire. The room certainly wasn’t bright, but there was definitely enough light for reading and for writing in her journal. She removed her kapp and hairpins, allowing loose strands of hair to caress her tense shoulders.
As she went through the evening ritual of hanging her black dress on the hook and replacing it with a pale blue nightgown, she thought of everything going on in her life. Slow, thoughtful steps took her to her hope chest, where she stopped to take in a deep, appreciative breath.
Despite all the uncertainty and challenges, one thing was constant. That was Old Sam. She gazed with wonder at the recipe he had so artfully etched into the beautifully stained wood. As light from the lantern flickered, she traced her finger over the engraved letters and smiled as she finally opened the lid.
Inside, she reached for her journal and pen. When she touched the lined pages, it was as if she held a part of herself.
Leaving the lid open to admire the natural grains in the oak, she clutched the book to her chest and squeezed her eyes closed.
She still wasn’t sure what to do about her feelings for Levi, but tonight, while she wrote, she expected to come to a very important decision. So much was at stake.
For long moments she studied the blank page in front of her and wondered how to begin. Finally, she put pen to paper.
During the past weeks, I’ve been fighting a terrible ache in my heart. Tonight, I’m on the verge of deciding the next step in my life. Although I want with all my heart to join the Amish church and raise my children the way I was raised, I can’t settle for a husband I don’t truly love.
I’ve been told many times that the Amish place great importance on choosing a spouse who works hard. That anyone can buy material things and give them, but that labor and helping with children speak of true love.
It seems to me that our faith places more emphasis on what’s practical than emotions. But . . .
She paused.
When I’m with Levi, my heart . . . flutters. Levi is a hard worker, too. When I’m with him, I smile. I laugh. I feel something so wonderful, it can only be true love. I have always been raised to believe that with God, anything is possible. That’s why I know He’ll make a way for me to be with Levi.
She paused to look up and tapped the end of her pen nervously against her leg.
Should I sacrifice the only true love I’ve ever known for my church? Surely my Heavenly Father wouldn’t want me to throw away something so precious just because Levi’s father broke the rules. God is forgiving. I don’t understand why the very people I have grown to love and respect over the years were so hard on John Miller for something that didn’t hurt anyone.
Frustrated, she stood and made her way to the window, where she took in the bright little stars. In the distance, scattered throughout the sky, were miracles of God, but she knew their placement wasn’t a coincidence. God had carefully determined where each would rest. It must be the same with His people, she reasoned. He must have put Levi in her life again for a reason.
When she returned to her seat, she wrote with more decisiveness.
Levi is a believer, just like me. He worships the same God. Surely he isn’t at fault for what his father did. In my heart, I believe God will work this out for us. God responds to prayers and He’ll answer mine.
As a moonbeam slipped in through the window to compete with the dim light from the lantern, a new sense of calm swept through Annie. She rested her head against the mattress and thought of her time with Levi at Pebble Creek. She imagined being in Katie’s place at the wedding, with Levi at her side. She smiled and knew what to write.
I want to marry Levi. To attend church with him. Raise children together. To cook him special dinners. Clean house for him. I want a family more than anything in the world. But tonight, as I gaze at the stars, I’ve decided to stay true to what I’ve been taught. God’s plan for me is much larger than my plan for myself. I have to trust Him. I have heard so many times to have faith. Now I’m being tested. In staying true to what I believe, I may have to sacrifice my own happiness. If I can’t marry the man I truly love, I won’t marry at all. God surely won’t punish me for that. I realize true love is a blessing. Not everyone who finds it is able to keep it. But I’ve experienced that blessed feeling I always dreamed of since I was a child.
She turned another page and returned her pen to the blank paper.
I won’t do what my parents don’t wish me to do. I certainly believe God doesn’t want me to marry a man simply because he is of the same church. And He surely doesn’t desire for me to marry anyone other than my true love.
She knew her world wouldn’t be perfect without Levi. But she would make the most of her life. As far as children, she would love her nieces and nephews as if they were her own. She would hold their babies. Teach them to read and write.
And Levi will always be in my heart. And I’ll pray that he’ll find true love with someone else.
As she closed the journal, fresh tears slid down her cheeks. She didn’t wipe them away. They were a combination of sadness and relief. She’d just resolved to give up what she loved most for God.
Her heart ached. A huge void loomed within her as she sadly contemplated the rest of her life. Would she find happiness that even half matched the joy between her and Levi? Surely God wouldn’t let her entire future be miserable simply because of a sacrifice she’d made for the church that meant everything to her.
She couldn’t be with Levi. At the same time, she didn’t have to keep all this inside her. There had to be someone she could share her situation with besides Old Sam. Surely there was someone she could talk to. Someone who wouldn’t judge her or think less of her. A listener who would understand and empathize and possibly even offer advice. She immediately thought of Mamma, then gave a strong shake of her head. Her sister? Sighing, Annie gave a frustrated roll of her eyes.
To her surprise, Old Sam had merely encouraged her to figure things out with her own heart. Her heart warmed with respect. She could share this with him; however, he wouldn’t be able to empathize with her. As wise and astute as he was, she doubted he could respond in a way that would help her cope with the situation. Her dilemma was something only a woman would understand.
But she didn’t want to risk being gossiped about in her tight-knit community. She pressed her palms against the hardwood floor on either side of her.
I can’t put my family’s hard-earned respect in jeopardy. The very knowledge that I’ve fallen in love with someone outside the faith would follow them forever. Especially if it involved the only son of John Miller.
Shunning happened rarely, which was the reason it was so talked about. And gossip was evil. She thought highly of her church friends, but unfortunately, they had very long memories. But no doubt about it, she needed a sounding board.
Annie eyed the stars that decorated the dark sky. There must be someone she could talk to who could lead her in the right direction. If nothing else, she sought a way to look at the end of her relationship with Levi, accept the inevitable, and move on.
But who?
* * *
Annie’s jaw dropped in amazement as she stepped inside Rebecca Conrad’s arched front door. Annie was sure her eyes must be as large as the state of Texas as she viewed the wide circular stairwell leading to the second story and the beautifully designed ceilings that sported a different shade from the cinnamon-colored walls. Dark oak woodwork contrasted with off-white ceilings in a stunning way.
The Conrads’ new home seemed like a mansion compared to Annie’s modest dwelling. With a welcoming smile, newly married Rebecca motioned her inside.
Annie handed Rebecca the plate of sponge cakes she’d baked for her and William. “They look delicious!” She winked at Annie before adding in a mock serious tone, “And rumor has it they taste every bit as good as they look!”
While Annie watched Rebecca carefully set the creamy white porcelain dish on a nearby table, Annie considered her comment.
“By rumor, I assume you mean Old Sam?”
They both laughed. Rebecca came to Annie and widened her arms in an affectionate embrace. When they hugged, Annie inhaled the potent rose scent on Rebecca’s dark blue sleeves. Inside, Annie smiled. Even Rebecca’s clothes smelled of flowers.
It was no secret Old Sam loved Annie’s sponge cakes as much as Rebecca’s wildflower bouquets.
“Of course. By the way he talks, I’m sure he could live on them. In fact . . .” She pressed a finger to her lips and lowered her eyes so her pupils were partially hidden. “It’s my guess he watches out of his barn window all day, waiting for you to come.”
That made Annie laugh. “I try to take good care of him. I love him so much.” She drew her arms over her chest and threw back her head.
“I know you do. So do I . . . although I’m sure my bouquets can’t compete with your edibles. I spent a little time with him yesterday.” Hands on hips, she raised her chin a notch. “Oh, Annie, I just love what he does with those hope chest lids. He’s a true artist.”
“No one would argue with that.”
“It’s so good to see you,” she exclaimed, holding her at arm’s length. “How have you been?”
The newlywed’s smile seemed to light up her entire unblemished face. In her kapp and dark blue dress, she looked like perfection. And according to everything Annie knew about her, she was.
“I’m so glad for the opportunity to see your new home. It’s . . .” Annie threw her hands up in a speechless gesture. “Gorgeous!”
Growing up, Rebecca had always seemed to succeed with everything she did. It was common knowledge her tomatoes were the best in the area. Her red bell peppers, too. And she was an acclaimed giver of advice; somehow, logic had been built into her character, as if it belonged there. And to top things off, her pot roast couldn’t be matched by even the elders in the community. So really, why should Annie be surprised that this lovely girl lived in this extraordinary home?
“Please have a seat.” Rebecca’s brows drew together in a frown as she motioned to the cluttered table. “There’s a lot going on here right now. Hope you don’t mind the mess.”
Automatically, Annie glanced at the colorful dried flowers and stems arranged in neat little piles. To her amazement, the mélange of hues looked as if they went with the dark-stained oak table. From Annie’s peripheral vision, she noted small pots of young green plants on the windowsills. Deep green vines dangled over the sides of the terra-cotta pots hanging from the ceiling. If Annie hadn’t known better, she’d think she was in a plant store. She had to remind herself this was a residence. The pleasant-smelling aroma added to the homey appearance.
Annie closed her eyes in delight as she breathed in the mellow, sweet floral scent that floated in the air. An automatic smile lifted the corners of her lips in reaction to the pleasant smells. Rebecca’s dining room made Annie think of Allerton Park, the well-known tourist site she had once visited with a group of friends. The attraction boasted an array of beautiful gardens.
Remembering her reason for coming, Annie said, “I heard your business is doing well.”
Rebecca nodded with a raised brow. “To be honest, it’s a nice surprise. But it’s taking off so fast, I hope I can keep up!”
She sighed with delight. “Oh, Annie, I absolutely love making wreaths, from raising the flowers to drying them to choosing the best materials and arranging them to look good. I enjoy the fragrances and making each one with a different theme. It’s amazing the beauty God created, and it costs nothing!”
Annie nodded in agreement. “They say the best things in life are free.”
“God gives us so many blessings, Annie. And money can’t buy them.”
“I think sometimes people are too wrapped up in material things. And all they have to do is step outside and look at what God gave us.”
“I’m so grateful for everything I have, Annie. And now?” She raised her palms to the ceiling. “I’m living my dream of creating floral arrangements. To be honest, I’ve wanted it for a long time. But in my heart of hearts, I didn’t believe it would materialize. But you know . . . I never dreamed there would be such a demand for dried arrangements.”
“Really? I mean, you didn’t think you’d start a business?”
Rebecca shook her head. “Not here. We Amish aren’t too hip on flowers, but customers hear about my products through word of mouth.” She rested her hands on her hips. “And I’m loving it!”
As if remembering something, Rebecca paused. “My! I almost forgot to put my pot roast in the oven.” She stepped quickly to the kitchen. Her voice echoed back to Annie from the nearby room. “Give me a moment and I promise to be right back,” she hollered from the other side of the wall. “I get so wrapped up in my flowers, sometimes I forget everything else.”
“No hurry!”
Annie smiled and studied the table with curious eyes. Rebecca’s dream was coming true. For a few blissful moments, Annie’s mind wandered to a place that would allow her to pursue and get her own.
She bent forward to touch the light pink rose petal. To Annie’s surprise, it was still soft. The flor
al colors before her were gorgeous hues that reminded her of a painter’s canvas. What amazed her was that dead plants could look so lovely.
As Annie regarded the petals, she struggled to imagine a world where she could accomplish her own goal. But what was it? The question challenged her. Unlike Rebecca, she didn’t have something in mind as daring as starting a business. All she wanted, really, was to marry, have a family, and raise her children with the man she loved. It was what many yearned for. But even so, that particular goal wasn’t simple. Not for her anyway. Automatically, she thought of Levi and her heart jumped. She imagined her and Levi in front of several hundred guests.
But flowers wouldn’t play a role in her wedding. Such decorations weren’t part of Amish festivities. And why would she even dare to envision Levi dressed up next to her?
She squeezed her eyes closed and ordered herself to stop imagining what could never be. Her shoulders tensed. She breathed a deep sigh of defeat. Why on earth had she allowed herself to go there? With a frustrated roll of her eyes, she forced the forbidden longing from her mind and focused on her friend’s success.
Rebecca’s return brought Annie back to reality. She eyed her friend’s small bump. “When’s the baby due?”
Rebecca sat. “February. I never imagined how wonderful carrying a little one could make me feel.” She drew her arms over her body and let out a happy sigh. “I don’t know what I ever did to deserve such happiness, Annie.” Her voice was edged with breathlessness. “William is over the moon. The two of us . . . In fact, both of us are unusually emotional. I tell you . . .”
Then she threw her hands in the air in an unexplainable gesture. “Being pregnant is more exciting than I ever dreamed it would be. I’m with the man I’ve loved forever. Soon we’ll have a little one.” She glanced at the living room. “We’ve built this beautiful home. My family’s right next door.”
Annie's Recipe Page 17
