“Exactly.”
The night surrounded them. Although there were lights on in the kitchen, darkness invaded in the form of silence. Beyond these walls was the silence of sleeping children, dreaming dreams of families and homes in which they could belong.
She stared at the man across from her. Now, in the quiet, he seemed to accept her. She didn’t know how long that would last. Cole seemed so eager to find fault.
If only… If only she could get over him. If only the sight of him didn’t make her heart beat fast. If only she didn’t think he was the handsomest, smartest, most caring man she’d ever met—to everyone else, if not to her. If only his jokes didn’t make her laugh. If only she could have fallen in love with someone else instead of him.
Dark hair fell across his forehead. The hint of stubble shadowed his jaw, making him look like a modern-day pirate. His firm mouth pulled straight and she wondered what he was thinking. About Tiffany or about his own broken dreams?
“Did you wait for your grandfather to come rescue you?” she asked.
He raised his gaze to hers. “You remembered?”
She remembered everything about their time together. “Of course. I was with you when you got the letter from him.”
He laughed harshly. “The letter. Why does bad news always come through the mail? Can’t anybody call it in?” He shook his head. “Don’t answer that. Bad news isn’t any better delivered on the phone. As for wanting my grandfather to come rescue me, sure I hoped he would. I never stopped hoping, until he informed me not to bother him again.”
Elissa clenched her hands together tightly in her lap. She wished the old man was here so she could give him a piece of her mind. Cole would resent any sign of compassion from her, though, assuming—wrongly, of course—that it was nothing more than pity. Still, it was hard to sit still as she recalled the look on his face while he’d read the letter from his only living relative.
He’d been all of eighteen; she’d been a kid of thirteen. Her visits to the orphanage had been erratic, but she’d come whenever she could. She’d had a huge crush on Cole and had assumed he merely tolerated her presence. It wasn’t until later that she’d found out he’d had some feelings for her, too.
She’d begged her mother to let her come up to the orphanage to celebrate Cole’s high school graduation, and the older woman had agreed.
Elissa and Cole had left the party and escaped to the orchard, which had been their special place. He’d pulled a letter out of his jeans pocket and waved it in front of her.
“I heard back from him,” he’d said, his voice tight with anticipation. “My grandfather, I mean. I got the address of his company from the phone books at the library. I wrote him and told him who I was. Maybe he didn’t know he had a grandson, right? It could happen.”
Even at thirteen, Elissa had sensed the danger. She’d wanted to snatch the letter from his hands and destroy it. Not because if the old man wanted Cole in his life, then Cole would have to leave, but because she knew what the letter would say. Rich, powerful men didn’t “lose track” of their children, or their grandchildren. If Cole’s grandfather had wanted the boy with him, then that’s where Cole would have been.
But she couldn’t say anything or do anything. She could only be there as he read the harsh words aloud, his voice changing from eager to shocked and finally to ashamed.
“He doesn’t want me,” Cole had said, stunned, as the single piece of paper had fluttered to the ground. “He knew about me all the time and he doesn’t want me.”
It was the only time she’d ever seen him cry. It was the first time he’d taken her in his arms.
Elissa glanced around the kitchen, fighting memories and tears. She could still recall the awkwardness of his embrace, the rangy strength of his boy-man body. There had been nothing sexual about being in his arms; they’d shared pain as friends, perhaps as soul mates, although she’d been too young to realize that at the time.
In that single moment Cole had lost a lifetime of fantasy. All his dreams of home and family had been destroyed. She’d always known he carried a chip on his shoulder to avoid getting too close to anyone. After he’d read the letter, she’d understood how rare their friendship was to him. Now, with the hindsight of an adult, she was surprised he’d allowed her to get close. Maybe the difference in their ages had made her seem safe to him.
No wonder he had a fear of being abandoned. Yet he’d been willing to take a chance on her. He’d wanted to marry her.
And she’d left him.
Elissa stared at the table, but instead of clean Formica, she saw vignettes from her marriage. Cole coming home late at night, walking into the bedroom and holding her, even if she had been asleep. When she’d complained about him waking her, he’d told her he didn’t mean to, but he had to know that she was there and okay.
She remembered holidays spent with her family, Cole watching almost enviously as she and her sisters joked together. She remembered presents he gave her, the big ones at her birthday and Christmas, the little ones for no reason. They were always beautifully wrapped, showing obvious care, but he’d often dismissed them as nearly meaningless.
It was, she realized now, fear. Fear of being left. It was what he’d dreaded most and the one thing she’d done to him.
No wonder he hated her.
“The irony in all this is that the old man invited me back,” Cole said bitterly.
“What do you mean?” Elissa asked, forcing herself to let go of the past and give him her attention.
“About three years ago I received another letter from my grandfather. He’d been keeping track of me. I’d finished law school at the top of my class, been hired by a successful law firm and was doing well. To quote him, I’d ‘earned’ my way into the family and he was ready to welcome me with open arms.”
No emotion flared in his dark eyes, but Elissa knew what he was feeling. Her skin prickled in response as waves of pain washed over him.
“You told him you weren’t interested,” she said.
“I wasn’t that polite, but he got the message.”
“I know that he acted like a jerk, but he is a relative. You always wanted to belong.”
His mouth twisted down. “Not like that.”
He leaned forward and rested his forearms on the table. Sometime while he’d been gone he’d rolled up his shirtsleeves. The white cotton accentuated his tanned skin and muscled strength. He had great hands. Large with square palms and long fingers. His hands had made her feel safe, although she doubted he would believe that if she told him.
“Enough about my past,” he said. “Let’s talk about something else. How are your sisters?”
“They’re fine. They asked me to tell you hello.”
He raised his eyebrows as if to say he didn’t believe her.
She reached up and nervously fingered the delicate chain at her neck. “I’m telling the truth. I didn’t mention it before because you haven’t exactly been friendly. I wasn’t sure if your animosity extended just to me or to my entire family.”
“I always liked your sisters,” he said.
“Gee, thanks. They’ll be thrilled.” Too bad he hadn’t liked her, too. Then they might have made the marriage work.
“How’s your mom?”
She twisted the chain tighter. “About the same. We don’t talk much. She’s still angry at Fallon and me for refusing to do ‘The Sally McGuire Show’ without Kayla.” She sighed. “I’ve never understood her anger. It’s been years. I know the show was important, but our sister was in the hospital, for heaven’s sake. No matter, she’s not one to forgive. We exchange polite cards at the holidays and that’s about it.”
Cole’s attention seemed to have drifted from the conversation. He stared at her with an intensity her words didn’t require. “That must have great sentimental value,” he said, motioning to her necklace.
She fingered the chain. “Not really. It’s new and I’m not used to wearing it. I bought it for myself a
s a birthday present this year. A quarter of a century old and all that.”
“I see.”
The clipped statement confused her. Why would he care if someone had bought her jewelry? Unless he assumed it had come from a man. But there’d never been anyone but him in her life. Didn’t he know that?
Silence surrounded them. She didn’t know what to say. “I’ll, um, check on Tiffany in the morning before school,” she said.
“Good idea. If she’s still upset, I don’t want to send her to school. Either way, I’ll get her an appointment with the psychologist right away.”
“Fine.”
They stared at each other. Elissa was the first to clear her throat and look away. Now what? She should probably make her excuses and go to bed. Only, she didn’t want to leave. Not until he made her.
She smiled wryly. That statement applied to tonight as well as her stay at the orphanage. Despite everything, she was still drawn to Cole. The past might be far away, but she couldn’t forget it. Or him.
Without wanting to, she returned her gaze to his. Something flared in his dark eyes. Something dangerous that drew her closer. She rested her hands flat on the table and leaned toward him.
Heat flared unexpectedly. Heat and a need that she barely remembered. He’d been the passionate one in their relationship. She’d usually been content to just be held. Sometimes, though, she’d wanted more. She’d never been sure what. The vague ache inside hadn’t been for a specific relief—at least, not one she could figure out.
“Cole,” she whispered, wishing he would…
What? Hold her? Kiss her?
Yes, she thought. She wanted him to kiss her.
His expression tightened. Fire flamed in his eyes as his jaw tensed. She recognized the desire; he wanted her, too.
Low in her belly an answering spark burst into life. But before it caught, cold, damp doubt snuffed it out. Doubt about what to do, doubt about how to please him. Doubt that he’d ever wanted her.
She straightened in her chair, her withdrawal breaking the connection.
As quickly as a spark turns to flame, his desire turned to anger. She saw it in his eyes, along with a darkness that looked very close to hatred. She recoiled from him.
His mouth twisted into a sneer. “Don’t bother flinching,” he said coldly. “I wouldn’t waste my time. You’ve made your opinions on that subject very well known.”
With that, he was gone.
She fought against the past and the present, against the pain and the tears. Their moment of connection had been only that—a moment. She’d managed to arouse her husband and make him hate her, all in the space of a minute.
Because she was afraid.
Because he thought she didn’t want him in her bed.
Because he thought she had never wanted him there.
If only. If only things had been different between them. If only she’d known how to satisfy him. If only she’d had the confidence to tell him what she was thinking. If only she could be one of those women who actually enjoyed making love.
If only she knew what to do now.
She should be used to missing him, but she wasn’t. While being with him wasn’t as easy as she’d hoped it would be, she would rather be here with him than anywhere else.
Chapter Six
The fourth time Cole added the column and saw a different number flash on his adding machine display screen he swore softly and glanced at the open door. Laughter drifted in from the main television room. He kept an office in the main administration building and a smaller one here, in the largest dormitory, so that he could work in the evenings and still be close to the children.
He could just shut the door, he reminded himself. But he didn’t. He always told the kids he was available to them anytime. Often troubled residents hovered outside in the hallway, waiting to be noticed and invited in. If he closed the door, he wouldn’t know they were there and they wouldn’t know he was really available.
Most nights the sound of approved television shows, childish conversation and laughter didn’t bother him at all. Of course, most nights he couldn’t hear the low undertones of Elissa’s voice.
Without wanting to, even knowing it was a mistake that was going to cost him big-time, he rosé to his feet and headed toward the sounds. He told himself he had to check on the children, but he recognized the lie even as he thought it. There was a staff quite able to check on the children. The person he had to see was Elissa.
The TV room was about forty feet square. Board games and beanbag chairs took up one corner. There was a pool table and card table by the door. At the far end stood a big-screen television, compliments of a car dealership raffle Cole had entered on a whim. He’d bought a ticket for a buck while waiting to hear on the financing for a new van for the orphanage. He’d walked with a great interest rate and a new big-screen TV.
Overstuffed sofas and chairs formed a viewing area. The lights were low as everyone focused their attention on the show. Cole ignored the actors at first, instead letting his gaze wander over the groups of kids.
The youngest ones were already in bed and a few were upstairs studying or reading, but at least a dozen of the residents had gathered around. Elissa sat on the middle sofa. Tiffany sat on one side of her, Gina on the other. Elissa had an arm around each girl.
Tiffany was still hurting, but she had started to recover. She’d had a few sessions with the child psychologist, which had helped. She’d been talking out her feelings. Cole wished there was something more he could do to help, but all that was left for Tiffany was the old clichè about time healing all wounds.
The characters on the screen changed as the show went to a commercial break. Instantly, the level of voices rosé as the children started talking. Elissa answered a couple of questions and laughed at a teasing remark.
She was, he realized with a start, fitting in.
When had that happened? She’d been at the orphanage less than a month. She was young, pretty, smart and sexy as hell. What was she doing spending her life with a bunch of parentless children? Why was she back?
If she wanted a divorce, she was taking her time getting around to asking for it. When he’d hired her she’d said she wanted to figure out what she wanted in life. In the meantime, she wanted to do something useful. Could the answer be as simple as that? He didn’t want it to be. He wanted to find out something terrible about her, something so awful he could get rid of her and not have to worry about Millie’s wrath.
Or maybe he wanted to find a way to make her stay forever.
He pushed that thought aside. Elissa would leave. It was one of the things she did best. How long would she stay this time and how many hearts would she break when she left?
He studied Tiffany and Gina, noting the way they looked at Elissa as she spoke. They stayed in the circle of her arms, trusting her, eager to be with her, wanting to find in her the mothers they’d lost. They wouldn’t find her in Elissa, but there was nothing he could say to warn them off. No one would believe him.
The image on the screen changed as the show resumed. Cole frowned as he realized it was a rerun of a Sally McGuire episode.
The young Sally walked into a long dormitory room and put her hands on her hips. “We’ve got three days until the costume party,” she said seriously, her golden ringlets dancing with each movement of her head. “What are we going to do?”
Elissa groaned audibly. “I’m so awful, I can’t stand it.”
“Is that you?” Tiffany asked.
“Yup.” Elissa shuddered.
Gina turned toward her. “How can you tell?”
“I just can. I know when it’s my sisters and when it’s me. Usually the work was split pretty equally, but there are a few shows when one of us was sick so the other two worked more.”
“Was it fun?” Greg, an eleven-year-old asked, from a blue overstuffed chair next to the sofa.
“Sometimes. The hours could get long and it’s really boring to wait between shots. B
ut for the most part my sisters and I had fun.”
“Why didn’t you become a movie star?” Tiffany demanded.
Elissa turned toward her and leaned forward until their foreheads touched. “Because that takes talent and my sisters and I didn’t have very much.”
“How much?” Greg asked.
Elissa disentangled herself from the girls and held up one hand. With the other she measured about an inch on her little finger. “This much. You need a lot more to star in the movies.”
“But you’re good on the show,” Tiffany said.
“Thanks, sweetie. It wasn’t very demanding. The writers knew our limitations and made sure we weren’t stretched too far. Besides, being a movie star isn’t all glamour. There’s lots of hard work. Traveling to different places, being away from people you care about. It’s a difficult life.”
Tiffany wrinkled her nose. “I’ve seen those magazines in the grocery store. Movie stars sure have a lot of trouble.”
“Yes, they do,” Elissa agreed. “Sometimes just getting through life can be challenging enough without having so much media attention focused on everything you do.”
Cole wasn’t sure whether or not to join the group watching television. As long as he could hear Elissa’s voice, he wasn’t going to get any work done. Maybe he should head back to his place, a small house on the edge of the property. At least there he wouldn’t have to contend with his wife.
Before he could decide, he heard footsteps on the stairs. Mindy, the high schooler who had performed so well in the play, walked toward him. She held an algebra book in one hand and several sheets of paper in the other.
He nearly sighed in relief. He and Mindy could head over to the dining hall for their tutoring session. The complications of making x equal y should be enough to force Elissa from his mind.
But instead of stopping next to him, Mindy gave him a brief smile and stepped into the TV room.
The Secret Wife Page 7
