He didn’t pretend to misunderstand. Every day Elissa slipped further and further away from him. It was like watching a tree die leaf by leaf. He could mourn the process, but he couldn’t stop it.
“She’s going to leave anyway,” he said. “We might as well get it over with.”
She raised her hands in the air. “Lord, save us from male logic.” She focused her gaze on him. “Explain that to me. You love this woman, you want her in your life, yet with every action, you push her away.”
“It’s not that simple. I haven’t been pushing her away.”
“You haven’t been talking to her. You go out of your way to ignore her.”
His silence was tacit agreement. What Millie didn’t know was that each night he stole into Elissa’s room. He half expected her to reject him, but she never did. Silently she opened her arms and welcomed him with her body and her heart. She never let him leave without telling him she loved him. He never stopped believing it was only temporary.
“I’ve had it with you,” Millie said, glaring at him. “Here’s the deal. You’ve hidden away long enough. You needed time to lick your wounds and that’s what the orphanage has provided. You’re healed by now and if you’re not, you need to get over it. Get back in the real world, Cole. Go home, where you belong.”
He hated the fact that she echoed his grandfather’s words. That he didn’t belong in the orphanage. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. This is my world.”
“No, it’s not. It’s a resting place. You’ve done a great job and we all appreciate that. Now go back to your practice full-time.”
“What about the orphanage?”
“There will be other directors. We’ll find the right one. Someone who sees this as his or her life’s work. Not a refuge. Take your wife and go.”
The idea was appealing. He would have sold his soul to make it all come true. “It’s not that simple.”
“Because you want to make it complicated,” Millie said. “Listen to me. You’re acting like a child. Grow up. Take responsibility for your actions and your relationships. If you let Elissa out of your life this time, you’re never going to get her back. Worse, you’re never going to get over her. You’ve been given a second chance. Don’t blow it.”
She stood, walked around the desk and leaned over to kiss his cheek. “You’re a wonderful man, Cole. You deserve to be happy. Don’t let fear and male pride stand in the way of that.”
* * *
Elissa slowly replaced the receiver. She’d lived through several earthquakes and was familiar with the sensation of having the ground shift beneath her feet. But no six-pointer had prepared her for this.
Tears flowed down her cheeks. She couldn’t wipe them away fast enough. An ache grew in her chest until it was hard to breathe. It wasn’t fair. What had he done to deserve this?
It took a couple of minutes to bring her tears under control. When she thought she could talk without breaking down, she went in search of Cole. She had to be the one to tell him.
She glanced at her watch. It was close to twelve-thirty. He was probably still in the dining room. She made her way there and found him in conversation with a couple of the college staff members. She hovered by the side door.
When Cole looked up and saw her, he quickly excused himself and walked to her side.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, taking her hands in his. “You’ve had some bad news. I can see it on your face. What is it?”
She squeezed his fingers tightly, wishing there was something she could say. But the past few weeks had taught her words were an inadequate way to express her feelings.
“I’m sorry,” she said, feeling the tears well up again. She blinked them back. “So very sorry. I wish there was something I could do.” She sucked in a breath. “There was a phone call from your grandfather’s attorney. Dermott had a heart attack and died this morning. It was very quick. He didn’t suffer.”
“No.” He jerked away from her and turned to the window. His body tensed with emotion. “Dammit, no. He’s not dead. Not yet. We were going to meet each other. We were going to get a second chance.”
“I’m sorry,” she murmured, moving behind him and wrapping her arms around his waist. He was stiff, as if holding himself apart from the pain.
“Don’t be,” he said, pulling away and heading for the door. “It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing ever did.”
He disappeared outside. She gave in to the tears then, letting them fall unchecked. The world around her blurred, but that didn’t matter. As Cole had said, nothing mattered. Foolishly she’d thought he would need her to help him get through his pain. She thought she could be there for him. But he didn’t need her. Not her love, her friendship, not even her money.
He hadn’t stuck around to hear the rest of what the attorney had to say. Cole was the sole heir to his grandfather’s considerable fortune. At one time, she’d thought she could make a difference at the orphanage. What a joke. Now he would earn more in interest in a couple of months than the amount of money she had in her entire trust fund.
He didn’t need anything from her, except maybe sex. No doubt there were dozens of women eager to have him in their bed, so even the sex was replaceable.
All she’d ever wanted to do was love him. But loving him had never been enough.
Chapter Sixteen
Cole stood in his office, not knowing what to do. His flight to New York didn’t leave until the morning. He could pack in about ten minutes, so there was no need to start that now. An odd restlessness took hold of him, making him pace to his desk, then to the window. Once there, he stared out at the grounds.
It was late afternoon and most of the children were outside playing. He could see their smiles, hear their laughter. The happy sound did little to ease his hurt or his anger.
Why had his grandfather died before they could meet? What kind of trick was it to get him to believe, only to rip it all away again? His chest ached with a painful hollowness. To have been so close.
If only he’d answered the letter sooner. If only he’d flown to New York right away. If only he’d known how much he was going to miss an old man he’d never even met.
An old man who’d left him a financial empire.
The attorney had made that clear. Except for a few bequests left to charities, everything belonged to Cole. The empire required a leader, someone who could guide it and help it grow. If Cole wanted, the attorney could recommend several financial planners, although Dermott had hoped Cole would run it himself.
The money was the least of it, Cole had told the attorney. Right now he couldn’t think about that. Yet as he watched the children, he realized he now had the resources to do everything he wanted. Paint, get a new roof, hire more staff, maybe build a few more dorms and take in more children.
He turned from the window. He would think about that later. Right now he needed…something.
He tried to shake off the restless feeling, but couldn’t. What was wrong with him? He’d felt sadness before; he should be used to it.
He began to pace, then knew he needed more. He needed Elissa.
Without stopping to think about how they’d parted not three hours before, he headed for her room. The hallway door was partially open. He tapped as he entered, but there was no response. He heard movement in the bedroom and crossed the floor.
As he paused in the doorway, he started to speak. But before he could say anything, his gaze fell on the suitcase lying open on her bed.
Coming on the heels of the tragic news of his grandfather’s death, this new revelation cut through him like a finely honed steel blade. He prepared himself for the liquid warmth of blood pouring out of his chest and gut. Most of his brain shut down with shock, but the small part functioning formed a violent protest.
No! Dear God, she couldn’t be leaving him. Not now. Not yet. He wasn’t ready for her to abandon him. He couldn’t deal with it, wouldn’t survive. He needed time. He needed her.
<
br /> He tried to back out of the room, but his body refused to cooperate. Instead of walking away, he found himself trapped, waiting for her to turn and see him there.
It didn’t take long. She opened a dresser drawer and removed a nightgown. On her return trip to the suitcase, she spotted him. Her sad expression didn’t change, nor did she stop what she was doing. She placed the nightgown on top of the other clothes, then straightened.
“How are you doing?”
He stared at her, unable to answer the question. How dare she even ask? How did she think he was doing?
“Cole?” She approached him. “You look awful. I know you’re upset about your grandfather, but are you feeling all right, physically? Is something else wrong?”
His body went numb. Was he even breathing? Did it matter? Without Elissa he had no world, no life.
Her green eyes clouded with confusion, then her mouth opened. “Oh, no.” She took a step back, shuddering as if she’d just seen the devil himself. “No.”
She returned to the suitcase and pushed the nightgown onto the bed, then drew out a dark garment. She held it up. “Do you see this? Damn you, Cole, do you see? It’s a black dress. My only black dress. I wasn’t leaving you, I was packing for New York. I thought…”
Her voice trailed off. She turned away, but not before he saw tears trickle down her cheek.
As he registered the fact, her words sank in. Not leaving? Going with him to New York?
“Elissa?”
She crushed the dress in her hands. “Oh, what’s the point? You’ll never believe me, never trust me. I’m a fool to try again. I should have learned it all the first time. You’re just waiting for me to go, aren’t you? Why didn’t I see that before? You’re not interested in a second chance, not really.”
She wore her hair loose, and she pushed a few wayward curls off her face. Her mouth quivered, then straightened. She tossed the dress back into the suitcase and swept the nightgown in after it.
“Fine,” she said, her voice thick with tears. “You win. I’ll go away. You won’t have to worry about me again.”
He watched as she ran to the dresser and began pulling things out, then stuffing them into her suitcase. Her actions were frantic.
He couldn’t believe what was happening. The scene was surreal and he found himself unable to speak or even to think clearly. He knew there was something he had to tell her, some important words that would make her understand. But the agony stole them, leaving him empty and gasping, simply trying to hold on.
She was leaving and there was nothing he could do to make her stay.
He clenched his hands in a feeble effort to fight off the waves of pain. The darkness in his soul expanded until he knew the blackness would swallow him whole. It would be a waking kind of death. Alive, yet not alive. Here, but always wanting to be somewhere else—always wanting to be with her.
Didn’t she know he needed her more than his next breath?
Elissa bit her lower lip. “It’s sort of humiliating to admit it, but I thought you might need me this time.”
“I do,” he said, managing to speak past the tightness in his throat.
“For what?” she asked. “I was the one sending the gifts. I paid for the jungle gym and the science camp. Oh, and the new stove and freezer. There was a trust fund set up with our earnings from the TV show. I didn’t tell you when we were first married because I thought you would think less of me.” She gave a harsh laugh. “As if that were possible. Anyway, the money was released on our twenty-fifth birthday. That’s when I decided to come here. I thought if I helped out at the orphanage, you might like me better. Silly, huh?”
“No,” he whispered. “Not at all.”
“I wasn’t trying to trick you. I would have told you the truth eventually. I think I secretly wanted you to find out on your own and then to admire me. Like I said, pretty dumb.”
He leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest. It was that or go to her, and he couldn’t allow himself that comfort. “I knew,” he said. “I found out a few weeks ago.”
She looked surprised. “You never said anything. Weren’t you angry?”
“No. I thought it was nice.”
She nodded. “Nice. Good, but not good enough, right?”
That wasn’t what he’d meant. Why couldn’t he find the right words? It just hurt so badly. How could she leave him? Hadn’t she promised to love him forever?
What had he done wrong?
“Now you can do everything you want with the orphanage. When I talked to the lawyer, he mentioned your inheritance. Congratulations. You can fix up this place, and then go live in New York. You’re great with the kids, Cole, but your heart is in the city. You’ll be happier back there. It’s your world.”
His world was with her. Why hadn’t he seen that before?
She turned and walked into the small bathroom. A few minutes later she came out carrying two zip-up makeup bags. She placed them in the suitcase, then glanced around the room. There was nothing of hers left. She closed the case and locked it, then brushed away the last of her tears.
The hell of it was, the right thing was to let her go. She would be happier without him. He’d always known that.
She crossed to him and stared at him. A tremor rippled through her. “I will always love you, Cole. No matter what.” She swallowed. “When I get back to L.A. I’m going to find an attorney. I want a divorce. That way you never have to worry about seeing me again.”
Tears returned to her green eyes. She swiped at them with the back of her hand. “I wish you the best. Try to be happy.” Then she took her suitcase and left.
He stood alone in the silence of the room. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t feel, he could only breathe in and out and wait for the darkness to overtake him.
Later, when the sound of her car had faded and the first tendrils of hopelessness began to wrap around his soul, he found the right words.
“I love you, Elissa,” he said aloud. “Please don’t leave me.”
But it was too late; she was already gone.
* * *
Elissa picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number. After two rings, her sister picked up. “Hello?”
“Hi, Fallon, it’s me.”
“Oh, no. You’re crying. What’s wrong?”
Elissa smiled, despite the ache in her heart. “Here I’ve sipped hot tea, splashed my face with water and tried to think happy thoughts, all before calling you. How can you know I’ve been crying?”
“Because I know and love you. What’s going on?”
Elissa hunched deeper into the corner of her sofa. The apartment that had been her home for nearly three years was now cold and unfamiliar. She couldn’t sleep, couldn’t find a comfortable position. It was as if the very fabric of her world had been ripped apart and she was left dangling in the wind.
“I’m back in Los Angeles,” she said.
“What?”
Elissa quickly filled her in, sparing no details, including Cole’s determination to believe that she would leave him.
“I love him,” Elissa said as the tears began again. “But it’s hopeless. He’ll never trust me. There I was, packing to go with him to New York and he assumed I was walking out on him. What kind of hideous person does that make me? Bad enough that he thinks I would leave, but on the day he hears about his grandfather? He must think I’m subhuman. N-now—” Her voice cracked. “Now he’s got that inheritance and he doesn’t even need my money.” She sniffed. “Hold on. I have to get a tissue.”
As she set the phone down and crossed to the box on the kitchen table, she had the oddest sense of dèja vu. As if this scene had played itself out before.
She realized it had. When she’d left Cole five years ago. History repeating itself. When would she be free of that trap?
“Did you really think Cole would ever be interested in you for your money?” Fallon asked when Elissa said she was back.
“No, but I thou
ght it might help.”
“That’s crazy. Cole wouldn’t care. If anything, it would annoy him.”
“I know. That’s why I didn’t tell him before. But when I told him yesterday, he said he already knew and it didn’t matter. He said my giving stuff to the orphanage was n-nice.” Her voice cracked as new tears rushed down her cheeks. “Men in love don’t say words like nice. He doesn’t love me. I don’t think he ever did. It’s hopeless.”
“Hush. You’re going to be fine.” Fallon made soothing noises.
“Now I have to figure out what to do with my life. I’m so confused.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
Elissa sniffed. Something wasn’t right. Fallon always had something to say about everything.
“What are you thinking?” Elissa asked.
“That’s not important. Right now you need to focus on getting through one day at a time. You don’t have to make a decision about your future right now.”
Elissa frowned. “Fallon, I really want to know what you think about the situation. I value your opinion and your advice.”
“You sure?”
Something in Fallon’s tone told Elissa she was going to regret it, but she said, “Yes,” anyway.
There was a pause on the line, then a rapid burst of conversation.
“Grow up,” Fallon said. “There you are crying in your apartment because Cole is in New York at his grandfather’s funeral. Poor little Elissa. Cole doesn’t trust you. Cole doesn’t love you. Why should he? Look at yourself. You’re upset, claiming he’s not in your life, but you’re the one who left.” She spoke slowly, emphasizing the last five words.
“This is what you always do,” she continued. “You have this bizarre notion that the only way you matter is by acting in a certain way or performing a task. When we were growing up you always had to be the perfect one. For a long time I thought you did it to show Kayla and me up. But that wasn’t it at all. You did it because you thought if you didn’t, our parents wouldn’t love you.”
Fallon drew in a breath. “Honey, we all love you for you. Nothing else. It’s not what you say or what you do. It’s who you are. I’m not saying you can get over this in a few minutes, but I think if you’re aware of it you’ll deal with it more easily.”
The Secret Wife Page 21
