They arrived so quickly at his house; there hadn’t been time for awkward silence.
He lived in a one-bedroom studio apartment over a Chinese Restaurant called Noodles.
“You sure know do how to parallel park!”
Destiny was an expert at boosting the male ego.
“When you do it everyday you get used to it.”
She popped out like a Jack-in-the-box.
She didn’t have time for anymore door opening.
Hachiro assumed she was ready to get out of her clammy wet dress, and quickly matched her speed.
“Whoa there, Cinderella,” he said as she headed straight for the door of Noodles.
“It’s this way.”
“Oh. My bad. Lead the way then, good sir.”
He rounded the corner of the restaurant and entered a side door.
She slowed down enough to follow him.
“Sorry about all the steps.”
“Sorry? I’m just grateful there are still some nice guys left in the world.”
He smiled. At least somebody was.
“Oh but the price we pay. Nice guys finish last, you know.”
“Better than being a minute man.”
He chuckled, completely caught off guard by her very unexpected dirty joke.
She was so down-to-earth for looking like a Victoria’s Secret model, and she was skipping up the stairs like a Kindergartener.
How cute.
When they reached his dilapidated brown door, he nervously fumbled with the key. Sometimes trying to hurry made things go even slower.
He hoped he’d at least cleaned the toilet and not left any dirty underwear lying around.
Too late now.
Finally he popped the door open to reveal an embarrassingly messy bachelor pad.
Aw fuck.
He had left dirty underwear lying around, and coffee cups, and half-eaten T.V. dinners.
“I am so sorry.”
“About what?”
“The mess.”
“What mess?”
Little did he know it was Trump Towers compared to Destiny’s white-trash crack shack.
“I think you have a beautiful home. Nice view of the street.”
He scrambled to shove the dirty underwear under the couch as she looked out the window.
What mess? Clearly she was just trying to be polite.
“So, there’s the bathroom. I know you’re ready to get out of those wet clothes.”
“I dang sure am!”
She tossed her purse on the sofa, purposely leaving the yellow dress as if on accident.
Hachiro quickly grabbed up the coffee cups and prayed she didn’t need to use the toilet.
Would it have killed me to wipe out that ring?
He looked up and got the shock of his life.
She was standing in the doorway completely naked.
“My nerves are so frazzled I left my dress with my purse. I got that sticky dress all the way off and was like dangit! I left my dress on the couch! I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? Now I’m the grateful one.”
She giggled flirtatiously and waved her hand.
“Oh stop it.”
Hachiro called that the green-light giggle, but he had no idea how to get the ball rolling.
Thankfully she did.
She strolled up to him completely naked and grabbed the coffee cup out of his hand. It was half full of old coffee.
She poured it down the front of his favorite vintage Packman T-shirt.
“There, now you have to take off your clothes off, too.”
Fuck Pack-Man.
Hachiro didn’t even care about vintage arcade games in that moment.
With Destiny’s help, he was naked in less than three seconds.
She stepped forward and touched her glossy pink lips to his with a sticky kiss that no doubt left him looking like a transvestite. He didn’t care about that, either.
“I don’t normally do this,” she drawled with that sweet southern accent.
That’s what they all say.
“I’m sure. A classy lady like you?”
“Well, most ladies just pretend to be classy, but a lady with real class appreciates a nice guy.”
I’ll be damned. Hell had officially frozen over.
She shoved him backwards onto the bed.
Nice. She liked to take charge in the bedroom. Lady in the streets, freak in the sheets, huh, Daisy Duke?
He was one nice guy who was about to finish first, though, and he knew it. He hadn’t had sex in at least six months, and that last chick practically had a mustache.
Destiny mounted Hachiro like an accomplished bull rider and just like a Tootsie Roll Pop, two licks, one neck bite and it was game over for Pac-Man.
“I am so sorry. It has been a really, really long time.”
She giggled and hopped off her bull.
“Don’t worry about it. We got all night.”
“Good answer.”
Fuck Pack-Man. Fuck work. Neither were going anywhere, but Daisy Duke would eventually have to ride her horse and buggy back to Mississippi.
“That Starbucks coffee made me thirsty,” she drawled as she stretched out her naked body on the bed.
It was amazing to Hachiro how comfortable she was being naked.
“Yeah, me too. Let me get you something to drink, My Lady. I’m Hachiro by the way.”
“Tiffany.”
Atticus didn’t have to tell her to give a guy a fake name before you robbed him.
“All I got is orange juice.”
“I love orange juice.”
As he fetched the drinks from the kitchen, she fetched the roofie from her purse, slipped it under the pillow, and plopped back down on the bed.
Still naked, but now whistling, he merrily strolled from the kitchen with two big glasses of O.J.
“Here you are, My Lady.”
“Thank you, Good Sir.”
Anyone watching would have felt the need to vomit.
“Now, you drink up, southern belle. I’m just gonna pop to the bathroom and get wash off the sticky. Heck, I might even be ready for round two. Nice girls should get to finish, too.”
Unlike most men, Hachiro shut the bathroom door.
Oh could he make it any easier?
She quickly grabbed the roofie and popped it in his O.J., hoping it had time to dissolve before he came out.
It did. In fact, the roofie had all the time in the world since Hachiro was really rapidly cleaning out the brown toilet ring with the scrubber. He hoped she hadn’t looked down when she was taking off the coffee dress. He knew she hadn’t peed b/c the lid was still up.
It was all so embarrassing. Brown toilet rings … busting after five seconds. He was surprised she hadn’t left yet.
He stepped in the shower, gave his sticky mid-section a quick shot of water, patted down, and came out of the bathroom still whistling.
“Let’s hydrate before round two, shall we? Cheers!”
“Your wish is my command, My Lady.”
They clinked their giant orange juice glasses together like the biggest nerds on earth.
She sat straight up and chugged hers like a football player.
She was thirsty.
He slipped slow, but steady, placing the glass of juice back on the nightstand half full.
Being an expert, Daphne knew that didn’t matter.
She’d roofed herself once on accident because she thought it was a Tylenol, and so she knew better than anybody that roofies were made WAY stronger than necessary. Maybe that was because some men needed to roof fat girls, or horses. She didn’t know. She only knew that it was only a matter of time before his eyes would be closed and his entire body paralyzed. He would still be able to hear everything and his mind would be perfectly awake, but he would not be able to talk or move.
Roofies paralyzed every muscle but the heart. The brain wasn’t a muscle and so it was the only thing that was perfectly awake. It was
a coma – a drug-induced coma.
She assumed he would know he had been roofed, but not be able to move a muscle or say a word. She knew being roofed was no fun. The one time she had accidentally roofied herself she was down for at least thirty minutes, and she only needed him out for fifteen.
It was like taking candy from a baby.
They reclined back onto the pillows side by side.
“Mississippi, huh? When do you have to go back?”
“I haven’t even made it to my destination yet, so hard to say.”
“Did work let you off for awhile?”
“I’m a teacher, so yeah; work let me off all summer.”
“Well, feel free to stay at Hotel Hachiro as LONG as you want, princess.”
“Awwww….. You are so sweet. You know sometimes you meet somebody … and you just click …. Like magnets …. refrigerator magnets …. to a refrigerator …”
What an idiot! What a smokin’ hot idiot. Those eyes... that body. Sure her breasts were a bit dangly, but she had a killer hour glass figure and the prettiest face he’d ever seen.
The sexy southern drawl was just the cherry on top.
Suddenly fear gripped Hachiro as every muscle in his entire body suddenly froze like a statue. Even his eyelids dropped shut against his will
What the Hell? Am I having a stroke? Why can’t I move?
He tried to open his mouth. Nothing.
Hard as he tried, he couldn’t move a muscle. He couldn’t even open his eyes.
Oh dear Lord, I’ve had a stroke. I’ve had a fuckin’ stroke, and I’m trapped in a coma. My fucked up horrible job has official given me a stroke, just like I always said it would.
Hachiro’s heart was nearly beating out of his chest. It was like being buried alive, but his own body was the coffin.
I’m in a coma. Oh God, please help me! Please don’t leave me in a coma. I’m sorry I stole that Nintendo 64 when I was little. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll stop watching porn, FOREVER. OH God, I swear I’ll do anything if you just help me this one time. Please wake me up out of this! Call the ambulance, Tiffany!
All those thoughts, but not a sound came out. Hachiro really thought he had had a stroke and was left in a coma. He never dreamt in a million years that sweet southern belle Tiffany would be capable of roofing someone.
He heard her fumbling around quietly. Hachiro assumed Tiffany thought he had fallen asleep and was quietly reapplying her lipstick before he woke up.
She was really quietly closing the laptop and sliding it into her purse. She powered down his phone before taking it, too. She had to learn that lesson the hard way when she took a guy’s phone and he found her using his GPS locate app. Atticus was right. There was a little black box plugged into the computer. She had no clue what it was, but Atticus said to take it, so she did. She was about to grab her things and get the Hell out of there when she saw a homemade binder lying on his desk labeled “The Skeleton Key.”
Skeleton Key? Keys to the kingdom?
Maybe it had something to do with the keys to the kingdom.
She tossed it in her purse. Why not?
Thankfully, Atticus had stolen a purse big enough to stuff a body in if need be. She got everything in there with no problem and only had to cram the computer chord in before zipping. She tossed the heavy bag over her shoulder, snatched up the yellow dress and sailed out the door in victory. She had a feeling her new boobs were on the way.
HAIKU’S BIG MISTAKE
“Someone stole the Skeleton Key, Haiku,” Hachiro blurted.
He purposely didn’t say it was a woman.
For the first time in his life, Haiku experienced real fear.
“WHAT THE FUCK?”
Haiku heard his heart beating in his ears.
“I was drugged, Haiku! Drugged and robbed, and I know she knew about the key because she didn’t take any money, just the key and my computer.”
“SHE?”
Hachiro was smart to tell him over the phone because Haiku was ready to run him through with a Samurai sword. He had never been so furious with anyone. His genius technologies were extremely powerful weapons of mass destruction in the wrong hands. People just thought the Atom bomb was the worst thing that could happen.
Haiku caught his breath. Freaking out wouldn’t help matters. He had to think, and he had to think fast.
“Hachiro, there is NO WAY ANYONE could have known about that. Our network is unhackable.”
“Haiku, I swear on my mother’s grave I never breathed a word. All communication with you was over our own secure network and only with you. I never brought the key to work. NEVER! All devices in my room were debugged and scanned for tracing devices and spyware. I have no idea how she knew, but she had too because she left all the cash in my wallet. It was targeted, Haiku. The Skeleton Key was targeted.”
“Tell me everything she took, Hachiro.”
Hachiro’s voice was shaky now. He knew he’d fucked up good this time.
“She took my phone, my laptop, the key, and the manual.”
“It is not humanly possible that anyone knew about that key. I don’t leave tracks. YOU were targeted. You design firewalls that protect government security. THAT is what someone figured out, and so they grabbed up everything hoping for a clue as to how you encrypt the firewalls. It could be an evil hacker wanting to create a virus. It could be a terrorist. Either way, someone took everything in hopes of finding a clue, and you just gave them the keys to the kingdom.”
“Her.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, Hachiro! Even scarier!”
“What do I do, Haiku? What the fuck do we do?”
“I’ll handle it, dumbass. You just got fucked twice in one day, and now we’re all fucked.”
Disgusted, Haiku hung up.
He should have known better than to trust a guy in a Pac-Man shirt who never got laid.
WALKING IN SUNSHINE
“Mr. President, we have a problem.”
“Call me Mason, Haiku.”
Haiku was the only person in the world President Mason Matthews would not accept his formal title from and it had been difficult for Haiku to get used to.
“Mason, we have a big-ass fucking problem!”
A cold chill ran down the President’s spine. If Haiku said there was a problem, there was a problem.
“I need you to call me back using your rotary phone, Mason. Our networks have either been breached already or will be soon. I’ll be waiting.”
Haiku’s granny phone rang right away.
“What’s the damage, Haiku?”
“The Skeleton Key was stolen from Hachiro, by a WOMAN! He was targeted and drugged by a terrorist looking for information, and he just found EVERY BIT OF IT! Whoever has it NOW has the ability to use my own technology against me. He is invisible and untraceable. He can now alter any communications within’ any nation’s intelligence and even we won’t know what’s going on because he’s the Ghost in the Darkness now. We can no longer trust ANY of our own government intelligence, our espionage equipment, or even our private intranet. All of our networks and databases are officially FUCKING GARBAGE! He can access or change anything and even I won’t know because I provided him with the ability to be invisible.”
“Where do we go from here, Haiku?”
At the end of the day, the President of the United States answered to Haiku. Mason T. Matthews was no dummy. He knew Haiku was the nation’s only hope.
“Would like access to my arsenal of highly intelligent weapons of mass destruction, Mr. President?”
Rumors of Haiku’s revolutionary weapons had long been a mysterious legend that both scientists and world leaders regarded with great fear and trembling.
“Haiku I will pay ANY price you ask for those weapons. You name it.”
“My price is that I want access to your top secret tunnels and underground cities.”
Haiku was well aware that United States government had been building top secret tunnels and cities a
mile below the earth’s surface since 1940. Since the Cuban missile crisis, they started burrowing as quickly as ants and since NASA’s invention of nuclear tunneling devices, they could bore tunnels underground as fast as 20 mph.
The underground cities not only contained trains, but some tunnels even crossed beneath oceans. Impressive as the hidden cities were though, they couldn’t contain the whole world.
“Haiku, those cities are our only national security safe haven.”
“Mason, my weapons will provide you with infinitely more security than your cities. Right now, with one push of a button, this terrorist hacker can unleash the stockpiles of chemical and biological warfare weapons that hostile nations have been developing as fast as we’ve been tunneling. While my weapons of mass destruction are highly intelligent, the hacker is the only person they can not locate because he is using my own revolutionary technology against me. He is invisible and can invisibly alter any computer in the world, because I created the tool he is now using against me.
This matter is extremely serious, and he can scramble any world communications, making it impossible for me to predict when and where attacks will occur and which biological or chemical agents will be used. My intelligent shrapnel drones will be close on his heels and they have X-Ray vision systems, live time weapons sensory analysis, analog longitude and latitude gauges to confirm GPS locations in the event the GPS signals are scrambled or corrupted, and access to all world databases. With all of those tools working together, it’s unlikely my weapons will be tricked by his invisible changes to top-secret information or scrambling of communications. My own technology gave him a head start, but I can assure you my intelligent drones will be quickly on his heels.”
“Haiku, as much as I want these drones at my disposal to protect our citizens, you know those underground cities aren’t large enough to shelter our entire population.”
“With all due respect, Mr. President, Fuck our population. I want to save the orphans, those who are starving, the widows and the homeless. I’m aware it is impossible to save them all, but an estimated 3 billion people in the world suffer from extreme poverty. It is also been estimated that half are children. They say estimated because many of those children live in neighborhoods that are dangerously inaccessible. There are an estimated 2 billion orphans in the world.”
The Woman on the Beast Page 9
