by Brandi Aga
I stop by the pretzel stand on my way out, because I know she’s just lurking around here somewhere, watching, waiting for my meltdown to happen. It’s totally going to happen but I’m going to get a fucking pretzel first and then proceed said meltdown in the privacy of my car, away from prying eyes.
Maddy wakes up on our way out and it’s perfect timing. I’m just glad we got away from Janice first. I’d never deny Janice from seeing her “granddaughter” if she actually gave a shit and that’s what Ryan wanted, but I’m just happy I didn’t have to witness it today. Maddy slept the whole time, oblivious to all the chaos. Thank you, Jesus. Now, I have to go home and figure out if my husband has been lying to my face for all these years.
“Do you feel insecure in your marriage?”
Fuck, I’m already crying. “Sorry,” I tell Anne while she passes me yet another tissue. “I don’t like to cry, and I didn’t think I’d do it so soon.” After I learned the news that Ryan’s swimmers might not actually swim one hundred percent, I had to take a moment for myself.
“Why don’t you go talk to someone?” Ryan had said, when he felt how cold I was after dinner that night. I wasn’t ready to confront him just yet without having all of my ducks in a row and I almost feel like it’s the pot calling the kettle black after me doing all the shit I did. How can I be mad for something he did forever ago when I did something equally, if not more, terrible to him?
I try not to ice him out, but it’s never been my nature to fake my attitude. My emotions are written all over my face, my attitude, everything. What you see is usually what you get. So, he knew something was up with my short, tense yes or no answers. Call me childish if you want, it’s how I deal.
“Like a therapist?”
“Sure. Whatever you need to get you through it. I’ll pay for it. I’ll go with you. Anything.” I laugh to myself. He thinks I need help getting through the pain, the pain from the past. But he has no idea how much of it he’s causing in this exact moment.
I caved and made an appointment because I can’t keep up with this level of dysfunction on my own anymore. Anne was recommended to me by one of my co-workers, being one of the top-rated licensed therapists in the state. She holds up her hand with her pen in it and points to me.
“You don’t like to cry. Does it make you feel a certain way to show emotion in front of others?”
I wipe the tears away and sniff. My nose red and swollen. Clearly, I have no problems with it here. Something inside these four walls must be made of magic. “I mean, yeah. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed or anything like that I just feel really…transparent.”
“You don’t like people to see that side of you.”
I shrug. “I don’t. I don’t think that I’m this major tight ass or something. I just go to great lengths not to cry around other people. And honestly, I’d rather cry around people I don’t know than people close to me.” She nods and makes a note of that. More than likely filing me away in her ‘definitely crazy’ section.
“I know that you said long story short, Ryan forgave you. I don’t want to focus on that, though, Ryan’s feelings. Possibly in the future, if Ryan is up for it, he could come in and we could tackle everything that we learn together with him. If that’s something you’re interested in. But for now, I’d love to solely focus on you since you are the one that stepped out of the marriage.” That’s fine with me, I don’t particularly want him here with me. I need this for me. Not him. Or us.
“Sounds like a deal to me. I’m not ready for him to be here yet, anyway. I have too much stuff to figure out.”
“Great news. It seems we have a lot of ground to cover together and I just want you to get the best experience out of the two of us meeting together. I think you can benefit exponentially from it if you stay consistent.” I nod and go along with her rules. I get it, these things take time.
“So, back to my question, do you feel insecure in your marriage?”
I think about this question long and hard. I thought I’d dodged it earlier but clearly not. She’s good.
“I don’t know if insecure is the right word.”
“What is the right word?” I clench my fists because her questions get on my nerves. I don’t know how people do this. I’m trying, though. Lord, I’m trying.
“I’m human. Yes, I have insecurities. And yes, I may reflect them on Ryan sometimes, but I don’t think that’s what this stems from. Insecurity.”
“Okay.” Anne writes more notes. I crack my knuckles together because I just don’t know how this is going to work. Total type A over here and I really need to know what she’s writing about me. I don’t like not knowing. I want to know everything she’s thinking. Can’t we just be best friends and tell each other everything?
We talk for two hours instead of the scheduled one. She had the opening and I have the money, I’m here for it. I asked her about our vacation and if she thought it was a good idea or not. And of course, she asked me if I thought it was a good idea and does the risk of growing from the trip outweigh all the bad that could come from it. So, I stopped asking her questions and just spilled my guts about my feelings.
“My ultimate goal is to be able to handle things differently. I want to KNOW that Ryan loves me, despite what I did. He tells me every day, but I want to feel it in my soul that he would never leave me, and I don’t know how to get past what I did. I feel like I’m forever being punished for it and how can he even look at me without seeing the other man’s face? I just want to live my day-to-day life without being so scared about what if. I don’t know how to let the anxiety go. The guilt is a nightmare. I’d almost rather be the one that was cheated on.”
“You need to understand that Ryan’s feelings, your feelings related to the cheating-they have a beginning, middle, and eventually an end. And you have to work together through all the phases. These feelings come with different intensities, and knowing that, acknowledging that, will help you ride the waves through them. They may happen, but they will become less and less the more time that goes by that you continue to work together. My point is, Leylah, you won’t do this alone. You are not alone. Forgiveness comes as you trust yourself again.”
“Thank you.” I’m forced to dab away the tears again. She keeps hitting me where it hurts the most and I can’t stop the waterworks. It feels good though, to let it all out with no judgement. She probably is silently judging me, but you know, professionalism and HIPAA and all that. She reaches over her notebook and pats my knee.
“It’s my pleasure. We’re going to work together and accomplish great things, okay?” She leads me out of her office and to the receptionist’s desk where I make my next appointment. She wants me in for weekly sessions to start so I don’t get overwhelmed, but I’m welcome to call her if I need to come in before my next appointment. She’s going to need a big ass bottle of wine and a trip to Costco to buy bulk in tissues before she’s finished with me.
Despite Erin’s coldness toward me the past few months, she agreed to keep Maddy while we go to Mexico. I’m kind of bitter about it because Ryan asked her, and she said yes. I can’t help but wonder if she would have done it if I asked, too. I don’t bring it up, because I already know Ryan would just say I’m being too sensitive or overthinking it. She’s my best friend and blah blah blah.
“She goes down in her crib around eight. You’ll know if she’s tired, she starts rubbing her eyes and meltdowns are unavoidable over every little thing. Just lay her down with her elephant blanket and she’ll pass right out.”
“Elephants at eight. Got it.”
Erin sits on the edge of my bed while I run through the list of last-minute things I need to make sure I didn’t forget. I made a physical list on the back of my water bill to mark things off as I packed but I’m still paranoid.
“Cloud eats two cans of food at dinnertime, but you know that.” She jumps up on the bed at the mention of her name and settles herself on my suitcase and purrs. I would totally tak
e her with me if I could.
“I know. I remember. I can’t wait to snuggle her tonight.”
“You can sleep in here, if you want.” My eyes flick to hers and she’s already looking at me, waiting for me to ask. I can feel it hanging in the air between us, but I don’t mention him. Instead, I tell her my wishes and can only hope that she respects them. “Please don’t have him over tonight. Not here, in our home, after everything.”
“I get it, that you don’t like me seeing him. Don’t worry, he’s not coming over. He’s busy anyway.” I feel better saying it out loud, speaking how I feel. I don’t even let her guilt trip sway me to feel bad in the slightest. Rather she listens or not is up to her now.
After two and a half hours on the plane and a short Uber ride to our private resort, I’ve already had several drinks in me, and I am feeling no regrets about coming here. My only thought is that I never want to leave. Ryan will just have to rent out this place forever and pack up his suitcase and go back to our lives and do everything for me. I’m never leaving.
“You love it, Ley?” Ryan stands behind me, watching me watch the beach. Our views are fantastic. The side of the condo that goes outside is nothing but solid glass and all you see is crystal clear blue water. The pool has a glass wall that overflows out of it and past that all you see is cloudy sand and blue water for miles and miles. No matter where you are inside, you can see water. It’s so relaxing.
“I fucking love it. It’s so pretty and perfect. I could literally stay right here and not even leave the condo if I didn’t want to.”
“I’m down with that.”
I turn around to see what he wants to do first and his stance in the doorframe catches me off guard. Vacation Ryan is still my favorite. Without a care in the world, his arms rest on the doorframe above his head. His button-down shirt opened all the way, and the sleeves rolled up. His swim shorts hanging low on his hips just like I like. I can’t help but stare at the outline of his dick through his shorts and it gets me good. Three days is not going to be enough time for all the ways I want to eat him up.
“Put your suit on. Let’s go out. I want you all to myself later.”
I practically brought nothing but bikinis and dresses in my suitcase. That’s how I plan to live for the next three days.
Ryan rented jet skis and the rental guy set us up with all the rules and parameters we’re to follow. Basically, don’t fall off, and if you do just make sure the bungee cord is around your wrist and it will shut off when you fall in the water. Great.
It sounded sketchy the way the dude ran us out of there so quickly, but it’s so much fun once we get going, just the two of us. Ryan is braver than I am and speeds ahead of me and performs a bag of magic tricks, zipping this way and that. I’m not taking any chances of tipping this thing over and going under. I’m not about to be any shark’s dinner today.
He slows his roll and rides up next to where I sit parked in the water.
“Come here,” he says, and I think I mishear him, because we’re parked in the middle of the ocean on mini sized boats basically, and he wants me to jump skip over to his? But then he reaches his leg out and hooks on to my jet ski and moves us closer together. He holds his hand out for me and I reluctantly climb aboard his jet ski. The lunge is awkward, but I manage.
He has me straddling the seat while facing him and I can see my reflection in his sunglasses. My hair is crazy windblown and it’s hot as hell but I’m happy here in this moment with Ryan. The thought that comes to mind is: I’m glad I chose him. Because I did. I made some bad choices along the way, but they all led me back here, right where I’m supposed to be. The sudden bursts of love that I sometimes get when I look at him make me wonder if all the other not so loving things are even worth worrying about. Everything else is just inconsequential compared to this moment.
“You do know that I love you, right?” he asks and pulls a small clear baggie out of the jet ski compartment behind me. I push my sunglasses to the top of my head and stare at him in confusion. I don’t even answer his question because I’m stunned speechless. “I bought this after you left me because I had every intention of getting you back.” The Adam’s apple in his throat bobs and he looks away, off into the distance. The squareness of his jaw ticks and I know he’s fighting back heavy emotions. “You’re mine, Ley. You hear me? No one else. Ever again.” I nod because I’m still so shocked by this sudden intimacy in the middle of the ocean that I didn’t see coming. He passes me the ring he held between his fingers and it’s one of the prettiest things I’ve ever seen. Even prettier than my original rings that I took off before.
The stone is purple, my favorite, just like the flowers he used to always send me, wrapped in two woven bands that intertwine like tree vines, and the bottom band is a dainty solid diamond band.
“It’s so pretty,” I whisper because I don’t trust myself to say anything else. “I love you.” My hands are shaking, and I can’t form a proper sentence. Ryan takes the ring back and slides it onto my hand effortlessly.
“No one else.” He leans his forehead against mine and I agree.
“Just me and you.”
The texts keep pinging through on my end of the line and I’m not sure what to think about it.
Blaze: You should come here tonight. They’re gone for three days.
Blaze: Erin is with her. You could go over and see her.
Blaze: Without them there. Or just come here and hang.
I bounce my knee, unsure of what to make of it. Blaze keeps texting me, trying to convince me to catch a plane to Texas to see Maddilyn because Leylah is in Mexico. I don’t know, man. Sounds super sketchy. If Leylah found out I was in their house without her there, she’d probably end my life herself. I know her husband would. Can’t say I blame him; I’d do the same thing.
“Your friend is not the best of influences, you know?” Veronica’s opinion cuts through my thoughts. She doesn’t know B like I do. She doesn’t even know a tiny sliver of just how much of what she said is true.
“I know, you think it’s a bad idea.” I don’t question her because I already know it is. Common sense. A part of me was hoping she’d tell me to go for it. Get on that plane. Go see your baby girl. And the other part of me is angry that she’s even there and her mother won’t give me the time of day. But it’s not about that anymore.
“Absolutely, I do. We’re sending these important papers over and if you go and do something stupid to fuck it up, I’ll be really pissed off that I put all that effort into doing that for you for nothing.”
I stare at her for a moment, trying to figure out where Veronica went and who put this girl in her place. “I think that’s the most honest you’ve been with me.” It’s not about the papers. That’s her job. She could do that shit in her sleep. It’s a respect thing, I get it.
She visibly relaxes once she knows she’s got me. I’ll listen, only because it’s so important. The last thing I want to do is fuck up a tiny little human’s life because I did something stupid. I’ll wait and do things the right way, just this once.
“I’ll deal with the papers this week. Have them served to her.” She downs her shot and hops down off the barstool. I’ve been spending more and more time at her place because she hates the shop’s mattress and I haven’t gotten around to getting a real one yet. She’s still just a distraction, I tell myself in hopes that it’s true. She’s there for me and sucks my dick at night because she wants to, and I let her. “You should go. Home I mean, for the night,” she clarifies when she reads the confusion on my face.
I nod. I don’t have to be told get the fuck out twice.
I do what I do best when I’m confused as fuck and lost in my own head. I ride. My bike doesn’t use me or judge me or get pissed at me when I do the wrong thing. It doesn’t fuck me over and leave me like the trash that I wish I wasn’t. It just is me. It’s who I’ve always been. I find myself riding up and down the coast almost every day with no set destination.
I torture myself tonight, for some reason, and bring myself down to the pier that I brought Leylah to before prison, before Maddilyn. I look out at the water and picture her swimming in it at this exact moment. Somewhere halfway across the map with someone else. I stay here long enough for the sun to rise before I head back home.
I ride back by V’s house on the way, but her car isn’t there. She must have left for work already. I hope that she sends those papers out and comes around. I know I’m an asshole, and I’m hard to read. I’ve always been too hard to show any kind of emotion or feeling to another human being and I feel like I’m slowly being punished for it with each person that comes and goes in my life. I’m angry. Fuck am I angry. At life, at God. At myself. At her.
I make one last stop before going home. The tattoo parlor my dude that’s done a lot of my ink works at, is just a few miles out of the way to the shop. I have just enough space on my left calf that needs some work. He’s always here, he’ll see me anytime I ask. I just need to feel something other than anger. Something that doesn’t consume me like rage. The pain and tingle of the needle is much better than this. That high gets me like riding my bike.
I lay on his table and take it for the next four hours.
“Oh my fucking GOD.” I squat down with the envelope in my hand because if I don’t brace myself, I might faint.
We got back late last night from three days full of nothing but the sun and open water all around us. I’m quickly knocked down a notch from bliss when I opened the door to a man that just served me with papers.
“What?” Ryan calls out from the couch, his football Xbox game playing on TV. He has no idea what hell we’re about to endure, seeing those words written across the paper. “What is it?” He pauses his game and calls out again intrigued by my stunned silence.
“It’s Roman.” The words feel weird coming out of my mouth to him. Like the two different worlds mixing right in front of my eyes, yet again. Exactly what I’ve worked so hard to avoid after all that we’ve been through. Every time we get over one incident that he’s created, another one follows. It’s never going to end. “He’s reaching out for partial time with Maddy.” My butt finally hits the ground like I just spoke the final nail in the coffin out loud. The papers are wet from tears falling down my face one after the other until I can’t even read the words anymore through blurry vision. I should have seen this coming. Should have known that once I didn’t give him exactly what he wanted he’d push back.
