by Imani King
“What happened? Are you okay?”
Her eyes are still huge, but it looks like she’s regained some control. “Bad dream,” she responds with a hoarse voice. She unlatches her seatbelt and slides from the car. I follow suit. Shawna runs around the trunk to Tamara’s door, opens it and retrieves the baby from her car seat. It’s only once the baby’s in her arms that she regains a semblance of control.
I run a hand through my hair. “Do you have those dreams often?”
Her mouth tightens. “Upon occasion. Sorry I disturbed you.”
“I’m not worried about me. Are you okay?”
She nods, gently bouncing Tamara. “I’m fine. I don’t even remember what I dreamed about.”
Her eyes slide away from mine as she speaks. She’s lying.
Should I push it? Is it even my place to?
I want to sit her down and ask her what’s wrong, but for some reason that feels even more intimate than a touch. I’d be way overstepping my bounds. She’s an employee, not a lover. It’s not my right to know every horrific detail of her personal life.
But I know it’s something horrific. Shawna doesn’t lie, ever. And anything that would give her a dream that bad must be awful.
I sigh. “Okay.”
“It’s good we stopped. Tamara needs to be changed, and I could use a break.” As she speaks, she leans in the still opened door and retrieves the diaper bag. “We’ll be out in a minute.”
“Take your time. The zoo has just barely opened.” I watch her hurry into the beige brick building, clutching my niece. Many of the state parks close the restrooms for the season. I guess we got lucky.
Yeah, lucky. I have a feeling whatever had happened to Shawna left her not feeling so lucky. I wish she’d felt comfortable enough to talk to me about it, but since she didn’t I should do her the courtesy of not speculating.
I walk to the soda machine, fishing for quarters. I get two drinks, one for me and one for Shawna. As I step away, an older woman stops on her way to the candy machine.
“You have a lovely family,” the woman says, smiling.
“What?”
Her head jerks with tremors as she fumbles with the dollar changer. “I saw your wife and baby get out of the car, then again in the bathroom. They were both lovely.”
I frown. “Thanks.” It’s easier to be polite than explain that Shawna isn’t my wife, and that she wasn’t Tamara’s mother. In fact, such a conversation was likely to end with a phone call to the cops.
I look up as Shawna walks towards me and summon a bland smile. She returns it with equal lack of emotion. How different would life be if Shawna was Tamara’s mother, and I was Tamara’s father? If Shawna and I had made a baby the old-fashioned way? If I’d gotten to hold her through her pregnancy, gone to the local bakery for fresh scones and brought them to her in the morning while she worried about her weight and I told her with complete honesty that she’d never looked more beautiful…
What if Shawna were smiling at me right now with her whole heart? What if there were no secrets between us, because we trusted one another enough to say whatever was on our mind? What if I could protect her with all my strength?
But that isn’t how we are.
“All set,” Shawna says once she reaches the car.
“Great,” I tell her. I look at little Tamara. “Let’s go see some monkeys, monkey.”
16
Shawna
We arrive at the zoo a little past ten. The parking lot is only half-full, and there’s no line, so we get our admission and train tickets quickly. Jackson pushes Tamara’s stroller in the direction of the mountain goats. “I thought we could follow the trail to the train station.”
I shrug casually, but really it’s hard for me to contain my excitement. Maybe it’s silly, but I love seeing all the different animals. Tamara is having a great time too. Her head is zooming all around as she takes in all the animals and people.
I push my cold hands into the jacket’s pockets, shivering despite the tepid sunshine and forty-five degree weather. When we stop at the mountain goat enclosure, I get closer to Jackson than I might have normally and use him as a windbreaker.
“See the goats, Tamara?” Jackson lifts her from the stroller so she could get a better view.
“Just like the Three Billy Goats,” I say.
Jackson winks at her. “But without the troll.” He lowers his voice to a whisper and leans in close. “I kind of feel like I could have just taken her down to the horse barn again.”
I laugh. “She’s just as interested in the squirrel as she is by the goats. Actually, she might be more interested in squirrels.”
He laughs too and lowers her back into the stroller. “Had enough goats, sweetie? Don’t worry, we’ll probably see more squirrels.”
We take off and I trail slightly behind him, shivering again. For some reason, this displeases Jackson. He pulls me to his side and drapes an arm around my shoulders.
My breath catches in my throat. What’s going on? I don’t have the nerve to ask him. And besides that, his body heat feels too damn good. Yes, that’s why I feel like I’m melting against him, wondering if I’d feel more body heat if he took off a couple layers of clothing...
We walk up an incline, across the bridge, to the Stellar cows exhibit. Tamara isn’t very impressed with the sea creatures. Instead, she spends her time tugging on the red zipper of Jackson’s navy windbreaker.
“She might be a little young for this,” he says, shaking his head.
“I think it’s nice,” I say. “She might not be getting as much out of it as when she’s older, but she’s having a new experience. Her brain is probably taking in more information than we realize. And besides...I’m having fun.”
“I am too.” Jackson grins at me as we stop by the cougars. The cats are shy, and we wait five minutes for them to make an appearance before Tamara protests. Oh well, no cougars. We move on.
As we make our way to the train station, Jackson puts his arm around me once more. “I remember the first time Mom brought me to the zoo. Dad was supposed to, but there was an emergency.” His mouth twists. “Sylvie persuaded him to take Brad to the doctor because of an ear infection.”
“Who’s Sylvie?”
“Dad’s second wife. She was his mistress for six years until she was smart enough to play the pregnancy trump card.”
A lump of moisture catches in my throat. “Trump card?”
“Mom was unable to have more children because of the arthritis. Dad wanted another heir, and he left without looking back.” Jackson sounds bitter when he adds, “He wanted to do everything right with his second son, since he messed up with me.”
How in the world could his father think he messed up with Jackson?
“I was willful as a kid. Still am, actually,” Jackson explains without me asking. “I wanted to make my own way. He always said football wasn’t a real career, and he was right in a way. The pay’s amazing, but it’s hard on your body and very few men make it. In act, even some of the best players don’t make it. Anyways, dad was thrilled when I got a full ride to University, but didn’t support me when I wanted to go pro.”
I frown. “Really?”
“Yeah. Pissed him off real good. He never watched any of my games.”
“Wow. That makes no sense to me.”
“It’s stubbornness, mostly. The old man never could admit he was wrong. It’s why he ran the ranch into the ground. He just wouldn’t accept anyone else’s advice, no matter how sound. So it really didn’t matter how much money I made. He told me not to do it, and so I shouldn’t have done it. He didn’t even let me pay for his cancer treatments at the end, though I did anyway. Mother couldn’t pay it all off on her own after he passed.”
My heart breaks for him. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry for me. Be sorry for him. There was so much of life he cut himself off from. And be sorry for Brad, because he got the worst of it.”
I bristle. “I
don’t know about that.”
“It’s true. Sylvie was only interested in status and money. She had that baby so she could secure both, and checked out once Brad came into the picture. My dad raised him without any input from anybody.” Jackson looks down, head heavy. “I wish he hadn’t come in between me and my brother. I wish he hadn’t pitted Brad against me. It’s the one thing I can’t forgive him for. But anyways, that’s all in the past. It can’t be changed.”
“How far apart are you and Brad?” I ask.
“Four years.” Jackson’s grin looks forced. “Anyway, I survived my childhood.”
I return his smile, deciding not to push. “Better than Brad, obviously.”
He lifts a brow. “Hm?”
Damn, why did I have to say that? “Uh, well, you’re obviously the more responsible brother.”
Jackson’s puzzled expression relaxes. He turns towards me and pushes a strand of hair off my face. “I bet you were a beautiful kid, just like Tami.”
I shudder at his words, remembering foster father number four, who had complimented me all the time. Even at the age of nine, I knew his interest was more than fatherly. That had been the one time I made a conscious effort to get myself removed from a home.
“Eh,” I respond, noncommittally.
He laughs. “Eh? What does that mean?”
“No opinion either way.”
Jackson nods. “What was your childhood like?”
“Never-ending,” I admit without thinking.
“You really enjoyed it?”
I shake my head. I guess it doesn’t hurt to tell him a little about myself. “No. It seemed those twelve years in foster care never ended.”
Jackson’s arms tighten around me. “I had no idea.”
“It’s not something you announce at a first meeting.”
“Still, if I had read your background report, I would have known.”
“Your mother took care of it.” I try to keep my expression blank as I back away from him. Please, please, please don’t read my background report. “Tamara seems restless.”
“Yeah.”Jackson turns back to the stroller. We walk the remainder of the path to the train area. He glances at his watch when we arrive. “There’re a few minutes until the first train. Do you want to go into the gift shop?”
I nod and go into the small shop. Tamara reaches for a giraffe by the door, making me laugh. I smile when I see Tamara reaching for a huge giraffe by the door. “No way, kiddo. It won’t fit in the car,” I say.
Jackson’s already grabbed the giraffe. “I guess you’re right,” he says regretfully. He moves the stroller to a display of smaller animals and picks up a green turtle as big as his arm. “How about this one, sweetie?”
Tamara makes an ambiguous sound and turns her head back toward the giraffe.
Damn, my baby’s shameless! Tamara thinks, laughing to herself. I then slip over to the clothing racks. I guess Tamara gets it from me. I’m a little cold, and as tempting as it is to use Jackson as a blanket, I need to be a little less shameless myself. I grab a warm fleece coat with Oregon Zoo emblazoned on the back. It isn’t my first choice, but necessity demands it. I need to stop thinking about how good it feels to have Jackson’s arms around me.
We arrive at the cash register at the same time. Jackson clutches a handful of stuffed animals, and a zebra printed pacifier in a plastic package. The matching pacifier strap also features a herd of zebras. I laugh at his selections.
“What?” Jackson asks innocently.
I just shake my head as the clerk rings up the coat. “Nothing. Well, it’s just, she won’t know the difference between her current Power Puff Girls pacifier and the zebras.”
He lifts the pacifier. “Hey, our girl has to blend in.”
Our girl. My heart skips a beat. Why does it sound so perfect when he says that?
“Okay,” I reply smoothly and reach into my purse for cash.
“I’ll get it,” Jackson says as he dumps the cornucopia of stuffed animals on the counter. “This is all together.”
I bite my lower lip. “I would prefer to buy my own things.”
Jackson fishes his wallet out. “Let me, Shawna.”
I cross my arms over my chest. “No.”
The clerk eyes us with interest. “So, who’s paying for what?”
“I am,” we respond simultaneously.
Her eyes widen. “Um, okay, but for what?”
Jackson plunks his Visa card on the counter. “I’m paying,” he looks over at me with commanding eyes, “for all of it.”
I look around the room. We’re starting to draw a crowd. “Jackson…”
He grins. “You sound just like my mother.”
“Well, your mother is a woman who is used to taking care of herself. You should respect that.”
He grins down at me. “I do, and it’s part of the reason why it’s so much fun to take care of women like you two.”
I sigh. “Fine, but you’re taking it out of my salary.”
“I’m not.”
“Then I’m buying you…” I glance at the tag, “$35.50 worth of elephant ears.”
“That’s a lot of elephant ears.”
“I know. It will be a punishment and a reward.”
His eyelids get heavy. “I can think of better punishments and rewards, Shawna.”
My mouth flies open. Did he just say that?
The clerk gasps.
Oh my goodness, he did just say that!
Jackson suddenly straightens his back and looks away. He’s the last to understand the implications of what he said to me and in public.
“We have a punishment and reward system,” Jackson babbles to the clerk. “It’s kind of like the buy ten get one free systems that you see in coffee shops.”
The clerk leans over, grinning. “Sign me up.”
Jackson shuts his eyes. “Just ring me up.”
“Okay cowboy,” she says, then winks at me. “You’re one lucky lady.”
I gulp. She doesn’t know the half of it. I take this awkard moment as an opportunity to put on my new coat. Apparently, we’d had a little too much fun shopping. When we get out, a small line has already formed by the train tracks and we can see the train rounding the last corner.
Jackson leaves the stroller with the ticket taker, and takes the third row of seats from the front. He studies me when I sit next to him.
“Are you upset?” he asks.
I mull over my words, uncertain of how to explain myself. “I don’t like charity,” I finally say. “I don’t like being beholden.”
His eyes widen. “You aren’t beholden for a coat.”
I look down. Okay, maybe I am being a bit ridiculous. Unlike his brother, Jackson doesn’t expect anything in return for his generosity. In fact, he only expects me to do my job as Tamara’s nanny. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. I didn’t listen.”
“It’s just a coat—”
“—and your pride,” he finishes. “Believe me, I understand wanting to preserve that.”
I smile at him despite myself. “Thank you for understanding.”
Jackson shakes it off. “It’s nothing. Hey!” He turns. “Look at all those pretty lights, Tamara. The zoo is all decorated for Christmas!”
I also turn my attention to the lights on the tour. Jackson points out the bears as we go by. It distracts me enough that when we round a corner, I tip over into Jackson.
I know he played football professionally. I know he works hard on the ranch in his spare time, checking the irrigation system and caring for the horses. The man is no stranger to hard physical labor, and it shows. His body is so obviously strong, every single woman when we get out positively salivates over it. But I’d forgotten just how it good it feels pressed against me.
I look up. I could kiss his chiseled jaw without any effort. Jackson looks down into my eyes, and I wonder if he can see the desire in them I’m trying so hard to hide. My breath catches in my throat. I
nstinctively, I lick my lips. His eyes focus on them and he gulps.
Then, he scoots ever so slightly to the side. “Excuse me,” he says as if he were the one who had fallen into me.
Oh god! I sit up immediately and brush invisible dust off my pants. That’s beyond shameless! I don’t even know if I’m going to be able to look at him for the rest of the day.
“Hey, look at the elephants Tamara,” Jackson says. Is that a husky note I’m hearing in his voice, or am I just imagining it? I need to get these damn hormones under control!
Jackson does a very good job at pointing out the various exhibits—especially the elk enclosure as they pass the loop again—but my thoughts are not on the animals on display. No, not when I’ve got something even more wild and untamed on display next to me.
I’m relieved when the ride ends. The moment the train stops, I’m in the aisle and putting some much needed space between me and my rugged cowboy companion.
Jackson retrieves the stroller and we continue our way down the trail.
In silence.
Supremely awkward silence that totally isn’t helped by the monkeys with bulging blue butts creepily staring at us.
When we reach the penguins and bears, Tamara livens up. However, when we walk through the Education center, she’s all about a random cheetah beanie baby.
“Hey, you hungry?” Jackson asks as we approach the picnic pavilion. Only one family is braving the cold day to eat outside. Everyone looks miserable all huddled together.
“I’m not that hungry, actually.”
Jackson laughs, and we move on to the elephant museum.
Before going to the elephant paddock, we stop at a cart and get cotton candy. I glance over at Jackson as he removes a bit of blue fluff from his cone and pops it in his mouth. Why can’t I tear my gaze away as his tongue darts out to lick his fingers clean?
He catches me staring.
I look away immediately as my heat rises in my cheeks. Even that isn’t enough to stop me from imagining what else he could do with that tongue…
He kneels by the stroller, pinches a bit of candy from his stick, and holds it out for Tamara. “It’s yummy,” he urges. She obliges by opening her mouth.
