by T. L. Tate
That day we went sightseeing. We visited all of the remote places around our county that we always talked about visiting. By dinner we were both famished. We drove to the college where we met and grabbed a sandwich and a coffee at our coffee house.
"Michael?"
"Yes, my love?
"I need you to do something for me."
"Anything."
Her piercing eyes stared through me the way they did when she was absolutely serious. "I want you to promise me here and now that you will do what I say. If you don't I will never forgive you."
I couldn't bare the thought of her thinking ill of me. "Of course. I'd promise you anything. Just name it and if it is within my power I will do it."
She sighed and held my hand firmly. Her eyes seemed to peer inside of me. I noticed that for the first time that day her eyes were wet with tears.
It broke my heart to see her sad. "What's wrong, honey?"
"It's just..." then she was sobbing.
"Anything, honey. I’ll do anything at all. Just say it."
She roughly wiped the tears from her eyes. "When I die, you absolutely must not kill yourself."
She couldn't ask me this. It was unfair. She knew I saw no life without her. I wanted to refuse. I wanted to argue. But one look into those tormented-beautiful brown eyes and I couldn't do it. "I swear it on our love."
She smiled. It was broken, yet beautiful. "Thank you." She leaned forward and kissed me.
The next week we informed her parents and her sister. All of them had tear-jerking responses. But none were as bad as Eva's. For the first time since I've known her, Eva broke down. A broken shell of a person replaced the competitive, difficult and cynical woman that I knew. She was inconsolable. Her reaction mirrored my own. It was then that I understood what Lana had to deal with for the previous week.
Eva drank and smoked herself into oblivion. She didn't go to work and she didn't go home. Presumably, she was out every night with a new guy. She didn't listen to her parents and wouldn't even speak to Lana.
Surprisingly, I was the only person that was able to calm her down and piece her back together.
One day Lana came and asked me to hunt down Eva.
"Babe, your sister hates me. If she won't talk to you what do you think I can do?"
Lana shrugged, "You're the psychologist dear. I'm sure you can think of something."
Finding Eva wasn't the problem. It was convincing her to talk to me that was. Eva was a creature of habit. Sunday afternoons meant coffee and laundry. She would drop her clothes off at the dry cleaners and then go to the coffee shop around the corner with a book and read in a corner.
When I entered the small establishment I saw a messy stock of brown hair hiding behind a book. As I moved closer I heard the sounds of sobbing.
"Eva?"
My softly spoken words caused her to jump. She slammed her book down and searched for the source of the sound with wild blue eyes. Upon seeing her, I took a step back. I was shocked. She looked like a wild and wounded animal. Her make up was a mess, her hair was a disaster, her clothes were filthy and the look in her eyes could have stopped a heart.
Once she saw me standing above her, her eyes focused in anger. "Jesus! What the fuck do you want?"
"May I sit down?"
"Can't I have a moment of fucking peace?"
I tried again. "May I have a seat?"
"Humph! It's a free country isn't it?"
"Thank you." As soon as I sat down I realized I didn't have a plan on how to confront her. I didn't have a thing to say.
"My sister sent you, didn't she?"
I nodded.
"There's nothing you can do. I don't even like you. Just leave. Tell her you couldn't find me."
"I can't do that."
She slammed the book down, "Why the hell not?" Her outburst caused several heads to turn in our direction but I didn't back down.
"My wife asked me to do something and I told her I would. I will never break a promise to Lana."
"Mister Chivalry", she said sarcastically.
"It's not chivalry, it's respect. I love and respect your sister. I always have. She's worried about you."
"I'm fine."
"You're not fine."
"Fuck you, Michael!"
I reached across the table but was careful not to touch her. "Listen, Eva. You're going through the different stages of grief. If you're not careful it can blossom into a psychosis."
"Really? Wow! You're a great psychologist. Can I have some more arm-chair therapy please?"
"Granted, you don't need to be a licensed psychologist to diagnose what's happening with you. But I'm serious Eva."
"So the hell what! I don't care if you're serious. Look, you're married to my sister. That is the only reason you even know me. Don't pretend like you give a shit about me because I sure as hell could care less if you fucking died tomorrow!"
I sat back and looked her straight in the eyes. "I do care about you Eva. Despite your manner, you're a good person. You'd like us all to think otherwise, you go out of your way even. But you're a good person. Some people don't notice, but I do."
"Shut up!"
I didn't stop. "You've learned a lot by watching your sister. You idolize her and try to be what she is; only you both have different talents so you had to adjust your approach a bit. This is referred to as social learning. However, ignoring that, you could have moved anywhere after you graduated from university. Yet, you decided to stay close to your parents so you could help your dad out when he had his heart transplant 7 years ago."
"I said, shut up!"
"You are at your parent's house every other day to help out with chores and to make sure your dad isn't over doing things, even though he has improved remarkably and can handle the chores without any undue stress. You volunteer at the children's hospital in your free time, reading and acting for the children. Your eyes tear up anytime you see a stray animal as if you want to save it. You watch your sister's back and would pounce on anyone or anything that threatens her. You love your family and your friends and go out of your way to make sure everyone is taken care of. You put up this false front of bitchiness to protect your insecure and immature emotions but in reality you're looking for the same thing that Lana and I have. You want someone to love you the same way that we love each other and it kills you that you haven't found that yet."
"Are you done?" She wasn't looking at me. She let her hair fall over her face to cover her eyes. But the slight trembling of her shoulders belied her cynical tone.
"Almost. You're sister loves you. I know what this is doing to her. When I found out about it I was also devastated. I was useless and Lana had to straighten me out. Now she's asked me to do the same for you."
I reached out and grabbed her hand and used the other hand to push her hair back so she was forced to look at me.
"Lana's time is limited and that's not fair. But what little time remains she wants to spend it with everyone that she loves. If you show her this side of you it will put her in her grave. We all need to be strong for the time being. Grieving will come, but only after she is gone. Until then I want you to move into our home. I know both you and Lana would want that."
Lips trembling and tears streaming, Eva finally cracked. I moved over to her and wrapped my arms around her. "Shh, I'm here. It will be okay. We're family."
I held her as she cried. We sat this way for almost half an hour. When she was done she excused herself and went into the bathroom to clean up. I took the opportunity to send a quick text to Lana.
We will be having a houseguest for a while.
Her response was immediate.
I love you so much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Eva appeared shortly after that. She looked refreshed and calm. "I'll go pick up my laundry and pack some clothes and I'll be over in a few hours."
I nodded and she turned to leave.
She hesitated and then turned. "Thank you." She leaned down and gave
me a quick kiss on the cheek. It was the most affection she had shown me since I've known her.
I watched her leave, and then I did the same.
The months that followed where some of the happiest in my life. I don't know why. They should have been the saddest, but they weren't. It must've been the knowledge of the limited time I had with Lana. Whatever it was, we made so many amazing memories. We traveled to Greece and through Japan. We spent time with family and friends. We renewed our vows in a glorious celebration. Every moment of which was captured on camera.
A year went by and the cancer started to take a toll on Lana. Still she was tough and loving. She smiled through the pain and made sure that I felt her love. I returned the gestures. Every day I had with her was precious. Every moment we shared was worth a lifetime. I would trade any remaining days that I have to spend even one more moment with her.
Lana passed away 6 months ago. When she went I was at her bedside and so was Eva. Her parents and my grandma were in the room at the foot of the bed. We were all covered in tears with smiles on our faces.
Lana laughed. "You all look ridiculous! If you're going to cry, then cry. If you're going to smile, then smile."
Eva cut in, "You'd never forgive us if we all started balling you idiot."
Lana laughed, "Good point, nerd."
Eva chuckled.
Lana looked at me, "Remember your promise. I don't want to see you again for at least 50 years."
I just nodded and kissed her lips. "I swear it on our love." When I pressed my lips to hers I could taste the salt from her tears. I knew she could also taste the salt from mine.
She turned to Eva. "Come here, Eva."
Eva bent down and Lana whispered something in her ear. I didn't hear what it was but eventually Eva knelt back and nodded. Lana smiled sweetly at her little sister.
Lana looked around the room, "Michael, Eva, Mom, Dad, Grandma?"
In unison we all responded, "Yes?"
"I love you all. Thank you for making my time here on this earth feel so special. I could never thank you enough even if I had 3 lifetimes. Thank you and goodbye."
She smiled. It was the sweetest expression I had ever seen and the most damaging. It lifted my heart while at the same time crushing it as I realized I would never see it again.
She took a deep breath, then a shallow breathe. She turned her head to me and mouthed, "My love." Then I saw the light leave her eyes.
My Lana was gone.
The months that followed were meaningless. Monday thru Friday I would work at my practice, although my partner, Gavin Rodgers did most of the work. Friday nights thru Sundays I was hammered. I spent as much time as possible in the study with Lana's ashes and all the photos we accumulated in that last year and a half. I can't count how many times I watched our renewal ceremony. Eva came around often. But upon Lana's passing, our previous cease-fire agreement had dissolved and she was even more treacherous and judgmental towards me. I was hardly able to function and had devolved into that grieving mess I was when I first learned of Lana's illness. These days I handled the administrative work at my practice and didn't see patients. I simply can't handle it. I know it won't be long before I have to walk away from the practice entirely, although Gavin keeps trying to convince me to stay.
~
I got up and went upstairs to shower. While I was in the shower I heard the landline ringing. No one called my landline but telemarketers. I ignored it.
Five minutes later it rang again. It rang again two minutes later. By now I was annoyed and had a mind to give whatever person on the other end a piece of my mind.
I marched into the bedroom and snatched up the receiver.
"What?" I shouted.
A pause, "Jesus Mike. Do you have to scream into the phone?"
"Gavin?"
"Yeah it's me. Give me a minute to get my hearing back please."
I sat down on the bed feeling sheepish. "Sorry."
"No, don't worry about it."
"So what's up? Why are you calling me on a Sunday?"
"Well you never responded to my text so you didn't leave me much choice. It was either call you or come by. You're 30 minutes away so I thought this would be easier."
"Fair enough. So what's up?"
Gavin hesitated. "Well, I need your help with something."
I grabbed the towel and roughly dried my hair. "Yeah? With what?"
"Look I know you're not seeing patients but I have a lady with a severe case of Major Depressive Disorder. I can't help her. Nothing I've tried works. I need you to step in and consult. I think you'd be better suited to help her than I."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "You're joking right? Major Depressive Disorder? I'm the fucking poster-child for depressive disorder."
"Mike, I know I'm asking a lot. But this woman really needs our help. Otherwise, I'm almost positive she will turn and we will have to inform the state to secure her so she doesn't harm herself."
"Fuck!"
"Yeah."
"So what's your plan here? Fight fire with fire?"
"Something like that."
"I-I don't know Gavin."
"Please. Michael Steele you are her only hope."
I had to laugh at that. Gavin was a self-professed fanboy. "Fine, I'll see what I can do."
"Thank you! I really appreciate this buddy."
"Don't worry about it. You've carried my ass this last year. It's the least I can do. So when's the appointment?"
"It's tomorrow at 10. Umm--there's something I need to tell you."
"What is it?"
"Her name."
"Her name?"
"Yeah, it's...Lana. Lana Groves."
"Lana?"
"Y--yeah."
I had to take a breath. It's just a name. It's just a name. "I'm okay. I can deal with that much."
"O-okay. Listen I've got to run. But thanks again."
Gavin's tone suggested he was still being evasive. "Everything okay?"
"Y-yeah. Thanks again." Then the line disconnected.
"Strange guy." I looked at the receiver and set it back down.
I got dressed and went to the study and pulled out my copy of the DSM-V, to read up on Major Depressive Disorder.
The next morning I felt an unfamiliar feeling of excitement. It was the first time since Lana died that I looked forward to going to work. Maybe it was the idea of helping someone who was going through what I was going through. Perhaps it was the novelty and challenge of having a new patient. I'm not sure. But whatever it was, I was ready for it.
I got dressed in my professional clothes. Went downstairs and grabbed a dry bagel and a glass of orange juice. I went into the study and kissed Lana and then left.
Ms. Groves was my first appointment of the day so I didn't show up at the office until 9:50. I greeted the receptionist, Mira. Then I went to go see Gavin. When I made it to his office he was sitting behind his desk, his shirtsleeves already rolled back as he typed away on his computer. His muscular ebony forearms a constant reminder that I should probably go to the gym once in a while. He looked up at me, and his brown eyes lit up.
"Mike!"
He jumped out of his chair and came across his desk and gave me a hug.
Gavin was a friend I made during my doctoral program. He was granted an MD a semester after me but that didn't stop us from becoming fast friends. When I opened my own practice there was no one else that I wanted to partner with. Now the Steele-Rodgers practice was quickly becoming the go-to place for people experiencing a range of psychoses. Professionally, it was great having Gavin partner with me. He was a psychiatrist so he was able to prescribe medication in the instances where it was required for treatment but he was also a trained therapist. His skills as a therapist were second only to my own. He was one of my best friends so it was great coming into a place where I could see him.
I returned his embrace. "Hey Gavin! What are you working on so seriously?"
He turned towards his desk
, "Just typing up some of the results from the labs."
"Isn't that why we have interns? Documenting research results should be their job."
"Normally it is. But I've sent them all on different errands for the research and I want the data to be inputted correctly. So I figured I would do it while I have the time." He turned back to me. "So, are you ready for this appointment?"
I nodded. "Of course. Anything I should know before going in?"
He chewed on his lip. "Just don't freak out."
I figured he was talking about counter transference, "Don't worry I'll keep my own demons in check." I looked at the clock and saw it was a couple of minutes past my appointment time. "Well I'd better get going. I'll see you later."
I left his office and walked up to my administrative assistant, Carol. "Good morning Carol."
Carol looked up at me and her face was stone white. "M--Mr. Steele. Good morning sir."
Since when did Carol call me Mr. Steele? Well, whatever.
"Everything alright, Carol?"
She shook her head left to right, vigorously but said, "Everything is fine. Everything is fine."
I didn't believe her, but also didn't have the time to pry. "Is La—Ms. Groves in my office?"
"Who?"
"Ms. Groves. The 10 o'clock?"
"O-oh yes she is. She's waiting for you."
"Thanks." Before she could say more I strode into my office.
When I stepped into my office I saw that Ms. Groves was standing by the window, looking out at the woods below, her back was to me.
I took my jacket off and hanged it from the hook by the door. "I'm sorry I was running a little late, Ms. Groves. My name is Dr. Michael Steele. You may call me Michael, or Mike if you like.
Ms. Groves turned her back to the window, the bright sunlight that filtered through the window placed her face in darkness. She held out her hand. "Hello, Dr. Steele. I'm Lana. Lana Groves."
I reached out to grab her hand as she took a step closer.
