“But she got better. It’s not perfect for her. She still struggles. But it’s better. She’s happy.”
I want that, I think desperately.
So why am I still so terrified? Why does it still seem so impossible for me?
“I’ve always felt so guilty, Haylee. I thought my mom leaving was my fault. I buried the reasons deep down until I couldn’t remember them, but the guilt never went away.”
“Why did you think it was your fault?”
“Because if the police hadn’t come, my dad never would have found out what she was doing. And she could have stayed.”
“And she could have hurt you,” I say. “Any of you. Or herself.”
He nods. “I have a bigger regret now that I understand. Now that I’m older. I…” He swallows, shaking his head. Swallows again. “If I had told my dad what she was doing sooner, he might have been able to help her.”
“Lennon, you were a little boy!”
He nods. “I know. Guilt isn’t always rational.” His palm tightens slightly on my face, his eyes darkening as he looks down at me. “I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you and I didn’t try to get you some help.”
“Nothing’s going to happen to me—”
“How many times have you been in the hospital for alcohol poisoning?”
I try to take a step back, defensive and angry, but he doesn’t release his hold on me.
“I don’t know if I’ve ever been so scared as I was in the hospital, waiting to see if you’d let me come in.”
“I’m sorry, I—”
“I understand, you don’t have to apologize. All I’m saying…” His forehead drops down to rest on mine. We stood like this once, back in London. He’d been so tired then, so sad and scared. And I’d taken that moment as such a good sign. That he wasn’t shutting me out. “I don’t want to lose you, Haylee. I don’t think you have any idea how much you mean to me. How much you give to me.”
I don’t understand. How can I possibly give him anything? I’m about to argue, but he cuts me off.
“Everything that happened in Paris and London… if that had happened a year ago, I don’t think I’d be standing right now. I think it would have been enough to destroy me, I really do.”
“Please don’t talk like that,” I whisper.
“But with you there—Haylee, it never crossed my mind. Hurting myself, shutting off, breaking down. None of that was even a possibility. Because you made me feel so much stronger than I ever have.”
I stare at him, dumbfounded. “How is that possible? I didn’t do anything.”
“You were there. My life is better when you’re there. I’m better.”
“I’m scared.”
His forehead creases. “Why?”
“Because I don’t think I’m strong enough to be that for someone else. To let someone depend on me.” A sob rises in my throat, and I push it back. “Look at what happened in London. Things got hard, and I went to pieces. The way I always do. How can you rely on me? I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. And Lennon…” I close my eyes, not wanting to see my words hurt him. “You weren’t there for me either. We were both too sad to help each other.”
“I don’t think we can rely on each other,” he says, and even though it’s the argument I’ve been trying to make, him saying the words is painful to hear. Until he continues. “We can’t rely only on each other. We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves. We both need help. Like, real help, professional. But I know my life will be better with you than without you.”
“How do you know?”
He grins, and a weight seems to lift from my chest. If he can still smile like that…
“Because I have a lifetime’s worth of experience to back me up.” He leans in closer, his lips inches from mine. “Everything got better when I met you. You made me happier than I think I’ve ever been.”
“Lennon.”
His phone rings, and he swears. “I would normally ignore this, but Cash made me pinky swear I would never be impossible to reach again.”
“Cash made you pinky swear?”
Lennon rolls his eyes. “He’s trying to be the new and improved, more fluffy and caring Cash Ransome. Which is all my fault, and I apologize to the world for unleashing this, believe me.”
I’m laughing, which seemed completely impossible a few hours ago. By the time he pulls out his phone, the ringing has stopped. “Damn,” he mutters. “It was him too. I better try—”
Before he can finish his sentence the phone buzzes in his hand. He looks down at the screen, his eyes widening. “Haylee,” he says in a strange voice. “I have to go.”
“Right now? What’s wrong?”
He looks up from the text he’s reading, and the smile on his face takes my breath away. “Daisy’s having the baby.”
“Oh my God!”
“I know!”
“You have to go!”
“I do!”
He types out a quick reply and shoves his phone back in his pocket. “I can’t believe this! She’s not due for a few weeks and—” He pauses. “I hope everything’s okay.”
“Sometimes babies are early. Cash would have told you if something was wrong.”
He nods, taking a deep breath. “Okay. So I should go.” He looks suddenly shy. “Do you, uh, maybe want to come?”
I do. More than anything. The thought of letting him leave without me makes my chest hurt. But something stops me. Something that feels like fear.
“We have promo all afternoon,” I say, trying not to wince when his face falls. “And I… I’m just not sure yet, Lennon. I’m not sure I’m ready. I think… I think I’m just too messed up right now.”
His face tightens. “I think you’re wrong. But I understand if you need some time to think about it. Will you do something for me?”
“Sure,” I reply without a second thought.
“Will you promise to call me this time? I don’t… I don’t want this to be goodbye. No matter what else happens.”
I’m crying again. Goodbye sounds impossible. “I promise.”
He looks relieved. “Thank you.” Then, before I can say another word, he leans forward and kisses me, his lips soft on mine. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
He kisses me once more and then releases me, striding to the door. “Hey,” I call after him as a thought occurs to me. “What are you guys doing in New York? I thought Daisy couldn’t fly after last week.”
“They’re not in New York. They’re in Nashville.”
“You’re here alone?”
He gives me a strange look. “I flew up. To see you.”
A sudden warmth spreads through my chest, but before I can thank him, before I can throw myself at him and tell him that I’m not letting him out of my sight, he gives me a last wave, and then he’s gone.
Chapter Nineteen
Lennon
When I finally get to the hospital four hours later, it isn’t to a happy family scene. Instead, I find Reed and Cash standing outside the waiting room, arguing. Yelling is more accurate. Reed’s face is red, and Cash is clenching a fist at his side, probably seconds away from letting it fly.
“What the hell, you guys?”
“Oh, thank God you’re here,” Cash says, pointing at our older brother in disgust. “Maybe you can talk some sense into him.”
“What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” Reed says from between clenched teeth.
Cash snorts.
“Cash, I swear to God I’m going to—”
“Can we please not fight on the day Daisy has her baby?” I ask. “I mean, the kid has to get used to its uncles being idiots, but maybe not on its birthday, okay?”
“Hey, I’m just trying to get him to settle down,” Cash says, pointing at Reed.
“Excuse me for not wanting to sit around with him.”
“Cash?”
“No, not Cash. Will.”
Cash rolls hi
s eyes. “You see what an idiot he’s being? Will? Seriously, Reed?”
“And here I thought things couldn’t get worse,” I mutter. “You can’t even call him Dad anymore?”
“Dads take care of you,” he growls, his fists clenching. “Dads don’t lie to you your entire life and—”
“Yeah, we get it, Reed,” Cash says. “He was a major asshole. We’re all pissed. But Daltrey wants him here for the birth of his kid. And that’s his call.”
“Doesn’t mean I have to sit there with him.”
“But Daltrey wants you here too,” I say.
Cash mutters, “God only knows why.”
I shoot him a quick glare before turning back to Reed. “So you need to be the bigger person here and go sit in the damn waiting room.”
“Fine.” He turns on his heel, punching the wall as he goes.
“Fuck,” Cash says once Reed has gone. “He’s messed up, man.”
“He’ll get over it.”
“I don’t know, but I hope you’re right.” He turns to face me, smiling now. “So, how’d it go? You get her back?”
“We were never broken up, Cash,” I say, trying not to think about her words that afternoon. “She just needs a little time to figure stuff out.”
“Figure what out? You’re a fucking catch, man.”
I laugh. “Thanks.” I nod to the waiting room. “How’s it going? Daisy doing okay?”
“Hell if I know. Apparently having a baby takes a really long time. We’ve been sitting in here for four hours without a word. I’m bored.”
“Sorry if it’s not super exciting for you, buddy,” Daltrey says from behind us. “Maybe you’d like to switch places with Daisy?”
We turn to see him approaching from the other end of the hall. He grins at me. “You made it! Where’s Haylee?”
“She has to figure stuff out,” Cash tells him in a loud stage whisper.
Daltrey frowns. “What does that mean?”
“I have no idea,” Cash says.
“Can we focus on the important stuff here?” I ask. “How’s Daisy?”
Daltrey’s face lights up. “She’s amazing. She’s doing so well. The doctor said it won’t be much longer.”
“Shit, man.” I look at my little brother, overwhelmed by the change that’s about to happen. “This is really it, huh?”
He laughs, sounding a little shaky. “I guess so. I just came out to let everyone know she’s doing good.” I send up a silent prayer of thanks that we got Reed to behave before Daltrey arrived. “I should probably get back in there.”
“We’ll let them know.”
He nods. “Thanks.” The three of us look at each other for a minute.
“The next time we see you, you’re gonna be a dad,” Cash says, shaking his head. “That’s nuts.”
Daltrey laughs. “You’re telling me.”
“Good luck, man.” Cash pulls him into a hug, and I hide a smile. He really is coming into this emotional maturity stuff pretty well. I don’t torture Daltrey with another hug, just slap him on the back as he goes.
“We should tell the others,” Cash says. “The girls have been freaking out all day.”
We head into the waiting room, but before I can take more than two steps Paige launches herself at me. “Isn’t this amazing?” she squeals.
“Definitely amazing,” I say, patting her on the back. “We just saw Daltrey in the hall. He said everything is going well, Daisy is good. Probably won’t be much longer now.”
“Oh my God!” she cries, and I cover my ear, not entirely sure I’ll still be hearing out of it after this.
“Come sit down,” Karen calls. “You’re strangling Lennon.”
I collapse into a chair next to Levi as Cash goes over to sit with Sam. “Things seem nice and awkward in here,” I mutter, and Levi snorts. Reed is sitting alone, anger radiating off him. Dad is on the other side of the room, also by himself. The girls are sitting together, and they alone seem cheerful.
“So how’d it go?” he asks.
I rub my face. “I don’t know. I think she’s pretty scared.”
“Because you’re such a basket case?”
I shove him as he laughs. “Yes, actually. She thinks we both have too many problems to be there for each other.” I rub my face again, feeling tired. “Maybe she’s right.”
“I don’t know, man. I know I’m just an observer, but it seemed to me you guys made each other stronger.”
“We did.” I think about that night in London, the night she needed me and I couldn’t be there for her. “Until the end, at least.”
“What does that mean?”
“That night at the club, she was having a really shitty time.” I haven’t told anyone about her trip to the ER. I don’t think it’s my business to share. “Some stuff went down,” I say, hoping it will suffice. “And I wasn’t there for her because I was all in my head. And she wasn’t there for me because she was in her head. It was kind of a mess. And it made her think we couldn’t take care of each other.” I shake my head. “Like I said. Maybe she’s right.”
“At the club?” he asks, scrunching up his face in thought. “You mean that last night in London?”
“Yeah.”
“She talked to me about you.”
“What?”
“Before she left. She told me to keep an eye on you. Said you weren’t sleeping. That was the reason I went looking for you that night. I was worried.”
“She didn’t tell me that.”
He shrugs. “I’m just saying, man. Maybe she couldn’t be there for you herself. But she made sure someone else was.” He meets my eyes. “Far as I’m concerned, that’s just another way of taking care of someone.”
I nod, turning that over in my head, hoping I get the chance to tell her what he said.
Across the room, Paige approaches Reed. She places a hesitant hand on his shoulder and says something to him. He shakes her off, and even from here I can tell he snaps at her. She retreats, crestfallen, and resumes her seat next to Karen.
“Okay, that’s enough of that.” I go over to Reed and grab his shoulder. “Let’s go get some coffee.”
“I don’t want—”
“Too bad, Reed. Let’s go.”
Grumbling, he stands and follows me. He really can act like a little kid when he’s in a bad mood.
We head out of the maternity ward and down to the hospital lobby, not speaking. After a few minutes, he stops, turning to me. “Don’t tell me to forgive him, Len.”
“I wasn’t going to.”
He seems surprised. “Good. Because I won’t.”
“That’s your prerogative. But you need to stop taking it out on everyone else.”
“I’m not—”
“Things going well with Paige?”
He slumps against the wall. “Not so much.”
I lean against the wall next to him. We’re in a pretty empty hallway, an occasional nurse in scrubs passing us. “Look, Reed. I get that this sucks. Finding out what happened the way you did. But we can’t let it ruin everything else. You have a great thing with Paige. We’re all healthy. Daltrey’s having a kid. That’s a lot to be happy about, you know? If you can’t let go of this anger, you’re going to miss all of that.”
He doesn’t speak for a long time. When he does, his voice is low, almost unrecognizable. “I feel like we lost him. I feel like we lost the only parent we have.”
“Reed.” God, what can I even say to that? “We didn’t lose him. He loves us. He might have handled things wrong, but we didn’t lose him. Everything he did, he did to take care of us.”
He shakes his head, and I turn so that I’m facing him, even though he won’t look at me, his eyes glued to the floor. “You know what I remember the most? The thing I remembered first? Dad next to my hospital bed. Telling me it was going to be okay. Crying. I can’t… I can’t imagine what that was like for him. To see his kid hurt like that and know it was because…” I can’t finish the sentence
. Know it was because of the woman he loved.
“I know what it feels like,” he whispers. “To see you hurt. And he knew that was happening, knew you were sick, and he didn’t tell us.”
“Because I wouldn’t let him.”
“I could have helped you.”
“He helped me. All those times when things got bad for me, I went to Dad. And he always helped me.” I pause. “Reed, you need to start thinking of me as your brother.”
“Of course I think of you as my brother—”
“No, you don’t. You think of me as someone you need to take care of. But I have a father. And whatever his faults might be, he did take care of me.”
Reed shoves his hands into his pockets, still refusing to meet my eyes.
“You’re the best big brother any kid could ever want,” I say. “You’ve taken care of all of us for years. But we’re grown up now, Reed. All we need is our brother.”
He doesn’t answer, but after a long moment he nods, once. I sigh, knowing that’s the best I’m going to get. “Okay. I’m gonna head back. I’ll see you.” I turn to go but stop when his hand comes out to grab my shoulder.
“A couple weeks ago you said I don’t respect you,” he says, his voice still strained. “That’s bullshit, Len. I don’t think there’s anyone in this world I respect more than you. You’re one of the best people I know. And I know you’re going to be okay.”
“Reed.” I don’t know how to respond to that. For a family that doesn’t deal well with emotional stuff, that’s a lot to take in.
“Haylee would be lucky to have you.” His voice is a lot more like normal, and he finally turns to look at me. His eyes are red, but his face is relaxed, smiling. “We’re all lucky to have you.”
Then he slings an arm around my shoulder, and we walk back to the waiting room together.
***
It’s two hours before Daltrey comes back out to the waiting room. It’s enough time for Daisy’s dad to arrive from Ohio and for Reed to make things up to Paige by taking several relationship quizzes in the teen magazines she finds on a rack. When Daltrey pushes through the door, everyone goes silent. He looks exhausted and terrified, and he’s grinning from ear to ear. “I have a daughter,” he announces to the room, and everyone goes crazy.
Rescue (Ransom Book 5) Page 26
