by Lexi Whitlow
I watched her catch herself. I watched her stop her statement, and my mind was running a million times a second.
“Don’t you dare stop your sentence with me, Julie. You thought what?”
“Axel, please,” she whispered.
“You don’t get to control this anymore, Julie! I made lunch and was gonna talk to you about how we move forward long distance from this point on! You’re the one that brought up college! Now, talk!”
“You were gonna talk about a long-distance relationship?” she breathed.
“Julie August!” I roared.
“I thought you’d try to make me stay!” she shrieked. “I thought that if I told you, that you wouldn’t support me or approve, and you’d ask me to stay with you!”
I felt my entire world ripped from underneath my feet.
“You left me in the middle of the night after graduation. After I laid with you and told you I loved you and that you were the one for me because you thought I wouldn’t support you?”
I could hear my voice rumbling threateningly throughout the house, and I knew my anger was raging out of control. My mind was spinning, and my body felt numb, and for the first time since that morning that I woke up without her, I felt like picking something up and throwing it against the wall.
“Who was the one who encouraged you to pursue fashion?” I asked.
“You,” she whispered.
“Who was the one who fielded your parents when you switched your major from education to fashion?” I asked.
“You,” she choked out.
“Who was the one who encouraged you to send your damn portfolio off to Paris in the first place while you sat there, night after night, crying because you didn’t think you weren’t good enough!?”
“You,” Julie sobbed.
“Then why the hell did you think I suddenly wouldn’t have supported you!?” I raged.
“Because I knew if you asked, I would’ve stayed!” she yelled.
Her statement stopped me in my tracks.
“I knew if you asked, or gave me a look, or asked me to postpone it, or even asked to go with me, that I’d do it! I’d do whatever you asked! And I couldn’t risk any of that happening! So, I just fucking left, alright!?”
I felt my chest panting for air, and the room suddenly felt like it was devoid of oxygen. My mind had come to a complete and total halt, and I stood there while I watched Julie sob in my kitchen.
But, one statement she made kept ringing inside my head. Like a little mosquito that wouldn’t stop buzzing in my ear.
“What the hell would’ve been so wrong with me goin’ with you?” I asked lowly.
“What the hell kinda rodeo farm life is in Paris, Axel?” she groaned.
I closed my eyes and shook my head before I turned my back on her. My heart felt like it had been shattered and thrown into a fire to burn, and I knew I had to get out of the house before I said something I was gonna regret.
“I never would’ve made you stay,” I said. “I never would’ve made you toss your dreams out for me. Not after all the support you showed me with the rodeo.”
“Axel, I’m so sorry,” she breathed.
“But you don’t believe that, do you?”
I whipped around and caught her stare, and the way she seemed to buck up just a bit told me exactly what I needed to know.
“You still think I would’ve asked you to stay. After everything, I did to encourage your fashion in college.”
“Yeah,” she nodded, “I do.”
I gritted my teeth and turned down the hallway, and I blocked out her voice yelling after me as I slammed through the front door. My hands were trembling, and my throat was wanting me to yell out all sorts of nasty and disgusting things, but all I did was rip my phone from my pocket and dial the number of my vet.
“Yeah, need ya to come look at one of my heifer’s,” I said. “Yeah. I’m good. Just swamped with work. See ya soon.”
I shut my phone and threw it across the yard before I made my way to the heifer’s barn. I didn’t give a shit that it was about to rain and I didn’t give a shit that I’d left a mess that Julie would probably feel obligated to clean up. I couldn’t believe that woman. After all the fighting I did with her parents to try and convince them that she could make a living out of fashion, how the hell did she somehow think I’d then try to stop her from pursuing that passion? I was the one in fucking college who consoled her self-conscious ass after she cried for weeks about not being good enough to submit her portfolio to them in the first fucking place.
What kind of twilight zone was I in!?
I knew I should’ve gone back and cleaned up that kitchen. I knew I shouldn’t leave it to her to take care of. After all, she was still technically recuperating, and I was still technically taking care of her, but I was too worked up, and the animals I had around my farm always seemed to calm me down.
And, it was about time she learned to clean up her own damn mess anyway.
Julie
Julie - Chapter Eighteen
I had one last appointment with the doctor, but the drive was pretty quiet. I kept telling Axel he could stay behind, but he kept insisting he needed to come with me. I think a part of him was hoping I wouldn’t be cleared for my flight back to Paris. I think part of him--- just a small part-- was hoping I’d have to call my boss and tell him I had to stay longer because something had gone wrong, or my brain was exploding, or I was quitting because I was frustrated, or some other bullshit he wanted to happen.
Because the ride home was even quieter when the doctor cleared me to go back to Paris.
“I bet you’re ready to get back to work, aren’t you? Paris, I can’t even imagine.”
The doctor swooned in the office, and Axel actually walked out. That was the thing about a small town: people didn’t give a damn how others reacted to their bullshit. It was one of the reasons why I had been so anxious to leave. In Paris, if someone didn’t like what you were pedaling, you knew it.
We got back to Axel’s house, and I went upstairs. I needed to pack and make some phone calls that would cost me a pretty penny, and then I needed to try and see if I could access my email from somewhere. Maybe I’d try the public library on my way out of town-- hail a cab and sit there for a couple of hours. I’m sure I’d have plenty of shit to come back to, after not talking to anyone for an entire month, and I needed to make sure things were going well with my design line.
After all, I had taken time off to come see my parents because once I returned I’d be face-deep in planning my very first fashion show.
I dragged my things out of the drawers my mother originally packed everything in, and I made sure to grab all my toiletries. Some clothes had been stuffed under the bed, so I dug them out and crinkled my nose at their smell. I went in search of a plastic bag I could put them off in, but Axel simply ripped them from my hands on put them in the washer.
“Hey! Axel, I don’t have time t-”
But, before I could get a word in edgewise, he’d started the laundry, and I was down three outfits.
He wouldn’t talk to me, but he damn sure was making this exit a hell of a lot harder than it needed to be.
“You can make some when you get home,” he quipped.
I went back upstairs and let his comment roll off my back. I wasn’t sure what his angle was, but I took out my phone to call a cab. Of course, my doctor’s appointment was scheduled the same day as my flight out, and I had spent the extra money to get a direct flight from my Oklahoma hometown all the way to France. No layovers, no nights in other countries, just a direct flight that would kick me in the gut.
But, it’d get me back to a city that embraced me. Unlike this pothole of a town, I’d been in for the past month.
I jammed the last of my shoes into the suitcase, and part of me wondered how I’d ever gotten all this shit here in the first place. I sat on it and forced the zipper closed, and I sighed when I heard the crackling of tires roll up the loose gravel dri
veway. My chariot was here to whisk me away to the airport, and I grabbed my plastic bag of toiletries and shoved them into the front of my bag.
I did one last double check to make sure I had all my chargers, but when the tires on the loose gravel started crunching away, I threw my bag down the stairs and rushed for the door.
“No! Wait! I’m right here!”
And it shouldn’t have shocked me one bit when I saw Axel in the driveway.
“Are you fucking kidding me, Axel!?” I shrieked.
“I’ll take you to the airport,” he murmured.
“Like hell, you will. You’ve been trying to postpone me all damn day: taking too long to get to and from the doctor’s, throwing my shit in the washer, and now you’re getting rid of my cab!”
He walked over to my bag and grabbed it. He heaved it into the back of his truck and then slid into the driver’s side seat. I didn’t know what the hell his angle was, but I was tired of it. The more he acted this way, the more it showed me the truth of the conversation we had a few days ago that pissed him the fuck off.
The more I realized why I hadn’t originally told him about Paris.
He swung the passenger side door open for me, and I rolled my eyes. I didn’t have much of a choice now with my flight leaving in less than two hours, so I climbed into his truck, and he cranked it up. The silence between us hung heavy in the air the entire time, and all I wanted to do was melt directly into the chair. On the one hand, I could see how this would be hard for him. I could understand why he’d be so reluctant to drop me off at the airport with things sitting with us the way they were. The last time we were together-- really together--, he admitted that he’d never stopped loving me.
And I’d said those words in return.
But, the truth was you didn’t treat someone you loved like this. You didn’t storm out on an argument and then give them the cold shoulder for days. You didn’t try everything in your power to stop the inevitable from happening. Sure, he wanted to talk over lunch that day about making things work long distance. And sure, he didn’t even know what that long distance meant at the time… but dear God did he really expect me to do it now!?
We pulled into the airport parking lot, and I promptly got out. I was already trying to pull my bag out of the back just as he was stepping out of his truck, and he reached his arm easily over me and pulled it out without a problem.
“You takin’ home my gravel or somethin’?” Axel quipped.
“Nope. Just trying to get home,” I sighed.
There was a heavy silence that hung between us, and I knew that statement hurt him. But dear god, Oklahoma hadn’t been home in five years. And honestly? There wasn’t really ever a point where it truly felt like home. Yeah, it was familiar, and yeah, I fell in love with my country boy while I was in college here, but Paris had welcomed me with open arms, forced me to grow up, and loved me even in my dirtiest of downfalls. It never once screamed at me without a good reason and it never once shooed away my taxis that I needed when I needed them the most.
“Well, hope ya have a good flight,” Axel murmured.
“I’m sure I will.”
I grabbed my suitcase and wheeled myself into the airport, and that was that. I wanted him to be happy for me, I really did. I wanted him to be as excited about this as I was. I wanted him to understand that Paris was my dream and that I’d achieved my dream at twenty years old! I had been hired as a premier apprentice in Paris before I could even legally drink in the States! God, that was a hell of a shocker when I got to France. I could remember the first night I’d ever gotten slammed drunk. I was with a few other apprentices, and we were at this fancy wine bar spending half our first paychecks on glasses of wine I found out later we could’ve gotten in a grocery for 1/4th the price! We ended up dropping $800 between the five of us, and we all piled into a taxi van, and then we had an argument as to whose place was bigger so we could all crash and vomit in one place.
God, that was the best memory. And it’s a memory I wanted to share with Axel.
But I couldn’t because he had licked his wounds for days, and now it was time for me to leave.
To go home.
I wished he could just be happy for me. Doesn’t he understand that this is why I didn’t tell him? My heart screamed out to have him there. I wanted him to walk with me up to security until they made him abandon me because he didn’t have a ticket. I wanted to stand in his arms until the very last second. I wanted him to force me to sprint across the airport because he had to have me in the back of his truck one last time before we parted ways.
Damn it, I just wanted him to be supportive. To love me the way he proclaimed and to be happy for me.
And he was just sulking in his truck.
I went and got my ticket before I checked my luggage onto the plane. The bag was way too stuffed to take on the plane with me, so I chucked out the extra money so I wouldn’t have to try and convince the stewardess that it would fit if I shoved hard enough. I sighed and turned around to take one last look at Oklahoma through the airport windows.
But instead, I saw Axel standing there.
I watched him walk toward me, and I was rooted to my space. Someone shoved me out of the way so they could get to the desk and all Axel did was reach his arm out to catch me.
“Hey,” he said sternly, “this woman’s just getting over a concussion. Have some decency.”
There he was.
There was my Axel.
“What do you want?” I asked.
“This.”
He cloaked my back with his strong arms and crashed his lips onto mine. I couldn’t help but snake my arms around his neck, and a few people in line ended up clapping for us. His tongue raked across my lips, and I willingly parted them for him, and I felt tears rise to my eyes. I loved this man with everything I owned. My body was trembling like a twig in the wind, and his arms were holding me to his body as if I weighed absolutely nothing.
“I love you, Axel. Please believe me,” I begged.
He broke the kiss and stood me on my feet, and when I fluttered my gaze up to his towering form, a tear slipped out and down my cheek. His hand came up to brush it away, and his eyes were so full of pain.
Pain and anguish and betrayal.
“Have a safe flight Julie,” he said.
And then I watched him turn his back and leave.
Axel
Axel - Chapter Nineteen
When I got back to the house, it was emptier than I thought it would be. The kiss at the airport solidified everything I had hoped for, yet feared. My mind was still reeling with our argument a few days before, and the shitty thing about it all was that she was right. I mean, I wasn’t gonna convince her to stay or anything, but I sure as hell couldn’t sit there and tell her that I wasn’t sad about her leaving me behind. I would’ve gone with her in a second if she’d of asked, but she didn’t. And deep down, as much as I hated to admit it, I don’t think I would be where I was today in my career had I followed her.
Still, I wouldn’t have stopped her. God, I wanted to throw her over my shoulder and bring her home. Jesus Christ, I would’ve done anything. I would’ve gotten on my knees and begged for another week, or told her to postpone the flight and I would’ve packed my bags to go with her. I didn’t have a lotta money, but I had enough to hire someone to take over the ranch while I was gone, and I could’ve flown back and forth!
I would’ve for her anyway.
I walked into the house, and it smelled like her. The walls sucked up her scent and was breathing it back out to me. That’s the thing about a house, it memorizes things. The way someone walks, or talks, or smells. It houses memories of the nights we spent buried in each other’s bodies, writhing in sweat underneath the moonlight. And when someone leaves, the house tries to right itself. It puffs out their breaths and memories and moans and smells, all in an effort to fill the void the house itself felt.
I wanted her there, in this home with me, but she was gone.
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Again.
I went up to her room and slowly began to pick up. I made up her bed while the scent of her conditioner flew at my nose and I cleaned down the bathroom while the smell of her bath bubbles penetrated the air. I couldn’t look at that tub without seeing her sunk down onto my dick in it, and I couldn’t look in the mirror without seeing her there. The house was screaming out at me. It was infuriated at the fact that she wasn’t here… that I hadn’t brought her back from the airport.
“She’s gone, alright? And she ain’t comin’ back.”
I didn’t even know who the fuck I was talking to. All I knew was that it felt empty like the house was suddenly too big. Her body wasn’t where it should be, and her laughter didn’t fill the corners like it had been and her smile wasn’t dimming the lights with its watts of electricity.
Fuck, this was gonna be hard.
I went out to tend to my animals, and she was there, too. Every horse I tended to brought tears to my eyes. Dear Jesus, I almost lost her. The girl I fell in love with in college. The girl that was the muse for my rodeo career. The girl I’d built this entire fucking business for, just in case she came back and didn’t have anything to come home to. I built it all for her, and every time I looked at those horses hooves, it made me angry. Angry at that damn horse ranch for letting her ride and angry at that fucking horse for trampling her body and angry at that damn snake for biting her neck. Had it not been for that damn rodeo she showed up at, then she wouldn’t of gone seekin’ out my number. And if she didn’t go seekin’ out my number she wouldn’t have gone to that ranch. If she hadn’t of gone to that ranch, she wouldn’t of rode.
She would’ve been safe, she would’ve been healthy, and none of this past month would’ve occurred. I could’ve gone on livin’ alone in that massive house with my massive farm that I distracted myself with, and never once been privy to the loneliness I truly felt.
That was the thing about loneliness. When you got used to it, it didn’t hurt. But, when you experienced its opposite, the loneliness finally has something to compare itself to.
