by DL Gallie
“Ready?” I scoff then I look up at her. Her face is ashen with worry, I hate that I’m the reason she’s like this. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, and gloomily I whisper, “Sorry, yeah, I’m ready…I guess.” With both my feet on the ground, I pull myself up and with trepidation I walk toward the stairs, holding onto her hand with all that I have. If I was to let go of her, I’d fall. She’s the only thing keeping me upright. Bella is my crutch. My best friend. My everything.
One foot in front of the other.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Look straight ahead.
Don’t stop.
I keep repeating this over and over.
I’m doing as well as can be expected, until I look up and see Father Donovan walking down the stairs toward me. As soon as he’s in front of me, he takes my hands in his and we sadly smile at one another. His hands are warm and he looks directly at me; he’s the first person to really look at me in days and it’s oddly comforting. His eyes are sad like mine. He lowers his head and begins a prayer. Zoning out, I concentrate on my breathing until I hear him say, “Amen.”
“Amen,” I mumble.
He nods and quietly says, “Take your time, dear.” He squeezes my hand one more time before he turns and heads inside.
Taking a deep breath, I look to Bella and mumble on a sob, “Let’s get this over with.” She links her arm with mine and we start up the stairs. Swallowing deeply, I tell myself that I can do this. Once again, I repeat my mantra from before.
One foot in front of the other.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Look straight ahead.
Don’t stop.
We’ve made it to the front of the church, I don’t remember getting here. Before sitting down, I stop and stand frozen in the aisle. I stare at the three coffins before me and begin to panic. I look to Bella and shake my head. “There should be four, Bella, there should be four.” My voice getting louder and louder, I turn and stare ahead once again at the three Cherry wood caskets in front of me and say, much louder this time, “There should be four.”
“Ems, there are four. Peanut is in with Brian.” She pauses. “I didn’t think Peanut should be alone, so I placed Peanut in with Brian. He’s holding Peanut over his heart. I’m sorry if that was the wrong thing to do.”
My head snaps toward her. “Peanut won’t be alone.” She shakes her head at me and I smile, a genuine happy smile because my lil’ peanut won’t be alone. He or she will be with their daddy. “Peanut won’t be alone,” I whisper again as I take my seat.
The service is a blur. I stand when I’m told. I say ‘Amen’ when needed, but I don’t register anything. My eyes are locked on Brian’s casket: Brian and Peanut’s casket.
Once the service is over, everyone stands and starts exiting the church, but I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to leave Brian and Peanut because when I do, that’s it, they’ll be gone forever. As soon as I leave this church—it’s final. I will never physically be in the same space with them again. “I’m not ready to let you go,” I whisper.
“What’s that, Ems?” Bella asks.
“I’m not ready to go. I can’t do it, Bels, I can’t,” I say, as fresh tears fall. You’d think with all the crying I’ve done in the last ten days that there would be no tears left. “I’m not ready.”
“It’s okay. We can stay here for as long as you need. I’ll tell everyone to head on to the wake and we’ll be there soon.”
Before I can reply, Bella is gone. It’s just me and them. I stare at their coffin as new tears begin to fall. “Brian, please look after Peanut for me. Please do what I couldn’t. I’m so sorry,” I say, as a loud sob breaks free. It echoes through the empty church and they cause me to laugh. I’m sitting in a church, at the funeral for my fiancé, his parents, and our child, and I’m laughing and crying at the same time.
Standing up, I walk over to Brian and Peanut. I lay my head on the cold wood and caress it as I continue to cry. The laughter has stopped. I’m now sobbing uncontrollably. I cry and cry until I feel a hand on my back; from the touch I know it’s Bella. She rubs my back as I continue to weep.
“It’s time to go,” Bella softly says. I’m not sure how long I’ve been here, but I know she is right.
Sadly, I look to Bella, “How…how do I say a final goodbye to the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with? To the child that I lost?” She goes to speak, but I lift my hand to halt her, shaking my head. Turning back toward them, I place my hand on the casket once again and close my eyes. “Goodbye, Brian. Goodbye, Peanut. I will love you both forever.” Leaning down, I gently place a kiss on the coffin. Standing up, I look toward Jim and Sue’s coffins and blow them a kiss.
Turning around, I place one foot in front of the other and make my way down the aisle to exit the church. With each step I take, new tears fall. By time we’re outside, I’m a sobbing mess in Bella’s arms. Without her supporting me, I’d be in a heap on the ground. At the moment, she’s my pillar, my strength, my everything, and I’m ever so grateful to have her in my life. The afternoon sun is shining brightly and when the rays hit my face, I look to the sky, close my eyes, and sigh.
Bella and I begin walking down the stairs to the waiting car and it all becomes too much for me. My vision is blurred from the avalanche of tears, when all of a sudden there’s a whooshing sound in my ears. Everything around me begins to flicker. My body sways from side to side and down I go as blackness engulfs me. The overwhelming grief knocks the wind out of me, literally. I’m admitted to hospital with severe exhaustion, but that is just the beginning of it all.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Emerson
AFTER THE FUNERALS AND MY second release from hospital, I fell into a black hole. I shut everyone out; I pushed away those who cared for me. I existed solely on coffee, muffins, and wine. I holed myself up in the loft that Brian and I were going to build our future in. Some days I never got out of bed, if it wasn’t for Bella, who knows what would have happened to me. She went above and beyond the duty of best friend and in return I treated her badly.
No matter how mean or rude I was to her, she always came back and she helped me with everything. From arranging the funerals, keeping me showered and fed, to finalising all the life insurance details. Bella, with the help of Sheridan, one of the lawyers at the James Corporation, handled it all. I signed what they put in front of me, without reading any of it, Dad and Brian would be so angry at me for that, but I didn’t care. I was struggling to live without them, and as a result I was lashing out at those who had my best interests at heart.
Don’t get me wrong, I loved Bella with all my heart for her help and guidance, but at the same time I hated her for it too…she was a constant reminder of all that I had lost and that I was all alone.
My friends were at a loss as to how to help me. Rather than treat me like the old Emerson, they began treating me like a child. Like I was a fragile vase, one knock and I’d shatter into a million tiny pieces. Yes, I’d lost everyone, but I was still me. In frustration, I began to lash out at them too. Slowly, over time, one by one, they stopped visiting me. The texts came less frequently and eventually they stopped all together. And really, I didn’t blame them. I had become a horrible person to be around. I was struggling to deal with my losses. I was struggling with everything. The only people I had contact with were Bella and Elena. But by the way I was treating them, soon I was going to push them away too.
Christmas and New Year’s passed by in a blur. I could not even tell you if it snowed or not. Vaguely, I remember Bella wishing me Merry Christmas and then not seeing her for a few days. She would have gone home to her parents for Christmas, but I was so lost in my grief that I didn’t know anything.
To be honest, right now I can’t even tell you what day it is.
…Seven weeks later
One February morning, I looked out the window and noticed that the snow was melting and flowers were staring to bloom—there you go—it did snow
. Staring at the trees in the distance, with my morning coffee in hand, all of a sudden, I felt antsy and out of sorts. Out of nowhere this need to get out of the loft hit me like a tonne of bricks. Quickly, I pulled on my yoga pants, Brian’s Columbia sweatshirt, tied up the laces on my Nikes and went for a run; something I hadn’t done in months. Without thinking, and on autopilot, I headed to the park, the one place that used to make me happy. I ran and I ran. I don’t know how long I ran for, but eventually, I found myself at the place where it all happened. I was standing in the spot where I’d lost everyone.
Collapsing onto my knees, I cry and I cry until I can’t cry anymore. I can still feel everyone’s presence around me, it was like they were watching over me, and for the first time since I’d lost them, I feel at peace. Standing up, I walk over to the memorial bench that the James Corporation had arranged. Vaguely I remember attending, but the last few months are bit of a blur. Taking a seat, I people watch. I watch everyone just like I used to and I find myself smiling, a real Emerson smile, not the fake one that I had mastered. I was doing something that the old me would do and it didn’t cripple me.
After people watching got boring, I walked to my favorite café and grabbed a to-go coffee. Pulling my hat down low because I didn’t want to be recognized. Thankfully, my disguise worked. With a coffee in my hand, I headed down Central Park West, and before I knew it, I was in Times Square. I walked around for hours, blending in with everyone. No one knew of the recent tragedy that had occurred. I was nobody. I was just Emerson James, not poor Emerson James who’d lost everyone.
I felt free.
I felt happiness.
I actually felt something other than grief and it was liberating.
Grabbing a pretzel from a street vendor, I walked some more. Eventually, I stopped, and stood in the middle of the sidewalk, and watched the world go by.
Sunset passed and the bright lights illuminated the night sky when on one of the billboards an ad for Nepal appeared up on the jumbo screen. A conversation that I’d previously had with Brian popped into my mind. “I want travel the world with you, Emerson. I wanna trek through Nepal, visit Machu Picchu in Peru. Sail around the Mediterranean. Island hop through the Greek isles. Visit ten European countries in sixteen days. Drink copious amounts of beer at the Oktoberfest. Rent a Mustang and drive Route 66. Festival hop through the U.S. and go to Coachella, Bonnaroo, Lollapalooza, even a country music festival. I want to do it all with you, Emerson James. I want to see it all with you.”
In that moment, I decide to do it. I whisper, “Brian, I’m going to do it all.” With my mind made up, I walked into the closest travel agent and sat down in front of her. “I want to travel the world and I want to leave as soon as possible.” An hour and a half later, it was all booked: airfares, hotel reservations, transfers, tour confirmations for Nepal, Peru, and the Mediterranean. In my hot little hands was everything that I needed.
Three days later, I’m all packed and ready to go. Before jetting off, I know that I have to tell Elena and Bella—the two people that have been by my side through it all, but I am scared that they will try to talk me out of it, so I take the easy way out.
With Elena, I leave a voicemail. “Hi, Elena. It’s Emerson, Emerson James. I’m just calling to cancel all my future appointments. I’m ahh, umm, jetting off on an adventure. I’m going to travel the world and do all the things that Brian and I had talked about. I know it’s out of the blue, but since I made this decision, I feel like the old me is surfacing again. Thank you for everything, thank you for putting up with my outbursts, tears, and meltdowns. You really are a wizard. You magically gave me the confidence to do this. Now that I’ve filled your machine, I’ll say goodbye. Thank you again, Elena, for everything.”
After I hang up, I stare at my phone. I’m dreading speaking to Bella. I completely chicken out and rather than calling, I leave a note for her. I know she’ll be pissed, but if I see her I’ll cave and cancel when she tells me I’m crazy because I know this is crazy but I know this is something I need to do and I need to do it alone.
Picking up a pen, I grab a notepad and pour my heart out to Bella.
Dear Bella,
You are reading this because I made a decision, a spur of the moment decision that I knew you would talk me out of. I probably should have told you in person, but I’m a big chicken. I need to do this for me and I’m sorry to do it like this. I’m heading off on an adventure, one that I know Brian and everyone would approve of.
I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I do know that I love you like a sister.
Thank you for everything that you have done these past three months. Without you, I would have lost it—even more than I did.
Please don’t be mad. I’ll be in touch when I’m ready.
Love, Ems XoXoX
Placing the letter in an envelope, I write her name on the front and leave it with my phone on the bench in the loft. Picking up my bag, I close the loft door and head off on the trip of a lifetime. It may not be the best coping mechanism, but for the first time since I lost everyone, I feel like I have a purpose and I can’t wait for the adventure that is ahead of me.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Emerson
THE PAST SEVEN MONTHS HAVE been out of this world mind-blowingly awesome; they have been filled with high highs and some low lows. It’s amazing how one minute while standing on top of Machu Picchu, I’m smiling and shouting out into the canyon. And the next, I’m sitting on the ground with tears cascading down my cheeks.
So many times, I grabbed my new phone to text or call Bella, but I knew that if I heard her voice I’d crumble and head straight back home. Even though I wanted to hear her voice, I wasn’t ready for that just yet. Occasionally, I sent her an e-mail to let her know I was still alive and okay, but that’s as far as contact with her went. Sheridan kept e-mailing me too, but I ignored her contact. I figured that between her and the board, the James Corporation was in good hands and I had nothing to worry about.
On this trip, I have done most of the things that Brian and I had always dreamed of doing together, with a few spur-of-the-moment additional side trips, as well. A highlight was white water rafting in the Swiss Alps, which was so magical; paddling down the stream with water that was beyond freezing but very refreshing at the same time.
By taking this leap, I have gained my life back. I can feel the old Emerson surfacing again. With each stop the crack in my heart is glued back together, but it will never be the same again. Even though things on the outside are vastly different, my hair is no longer shoulder-length, it’s long and wavy, and the vibrancy of the red is coming back. My once pasty white skin is now tanned a lovely golden color; thanks to the Mediterranean cruise and the Greek island hop, and my legs are toned and defined due to the hiking and adventures that I have embarked upon. Now, when I look in the mirror I glimpse parts of the old me. My eyes still don’t sparkle brightly like they once did, but they do have life behind them again, and I think, it’s due to this trip.
Hopefully, with time, they will sparkle and shine once again.
The Emerson James of the past is gone, because on that fateful day I didn’t just lose everyone, I lost myself too. Slowly but surely, Emerson 2.0 is slowly emerging. Some days I feel like the old me, but then something will happen and—bam—an avalanche of grief hits and I’m sucked back into the grief vortex. This trip has been really therapeutic for me, but at the same time absolutely gut-wrenching. I should be doing these things with Brian, not by myself. Sometimes I think that embarking on this journey is my way of letting Brian continue to live, while at the same time healing me from the inside out.
Finally, I am on my way to becoming happy and content, but most of all, I proved to myself I can do things on my own. I’m no longer ‘Poor Emerson, she lost everyone,’ I’m now ‘Emerson James, world traveller who takes risks.’
The biggest risk I took was in September when I booked a spur-of-the-moment trip to Munich, Germany, to see Brian’s favorit
e band: The Script. It was an amazing concert, and when I realized that the Oktoberfest was also on, I decided to extend my trip so I could attend. Who knew the Oktoberfest was on in September? I thought it was in October. Brian and I had always wanted to go, but life always seemed to get in the way. Not this time though. It was as if Brian and fate intervened and that I was meant to be here.
* * *
It’s day two of the Oktoberfest, and I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, tying the laces on my Chucks, when a wave of sadness hits. I pause mid tie and slip onto the floor. The tears break free and I begin to sob uncontrollably. In this very moment, I miss Brian with all my heart; he should be here with me. These bouts of sadness always seem to hit when I’m doing something random: brushing my teeth, drinking coffee, making a bed, you name it and I can cry over it, but I’m dealing with the loss much better these days. These moments are becoming less and less frequent, and when they do slam into me, they are becoming less painful.
After the tears have stopped, I stand up and wipe away the remaining wetness on my cheeks before bending down to finish tying my laces. Walking over to the bathroom, I splash water on my face and freshen up. After hanging up the hand towel, I stare at my reflection for a few moments. For the first time in a long time, I recognize the girl staring back at me. I’m me again, well almost, and that makes me smile. Slowly, but surely, I am healing. Taking a deep breath, I give myself another pep talk. “It’s Oktoberfest, Brian would want you to have fun. Now, pull up your lederhosen and go get your beer on.”
