What Sara Said

by Carrington, M. L.

  “Have a seat,” Jude suggested, pointing to the sofa. “Can I get you something to drink? A water or coffee?”

  “Water’s fine, thanks,” Sara replied as she sat down.

  “I’m glad you came,” he said retrieving a blue glass bottle of Saratoga water from the small cube refrigerator in the corner of the office and handing it to her.

  “Thanks,” she said. “Me too. I’m glad you invited me. I really enjoyed our talk last week. It was… comforting.”

  “Yeah, I thought so, too,” Jude said as he lowered himself into one of the upholstered chairs adjacent to Sara.

  “So how’s your dad today? I’m sorry he wasn’t put on my schedule.”

  “Oh that’s fine. It’s probably a good thing. Otherwise, we’d have already done our catching up! Anyway, he did well with treatment; a little nauseated but in general, okay.”

  “Glad to hear,” Sara replied.

  “How was your week?” Jude inquired.

  “Par for the course, I suppose. I still feel like I can’t keep up with everything. There’s always housework to do,” Sara paused for a moment before continuing, “and I’ve been… distracted.”

  “I know the feeling,” Jude agreed. “I guess that’s partly why I’d hoped you’d come.”

  Unsure of how to respond, Sara simply smiled at Jude and joked, “Misery loves company, right?”

  “Well, I haven’t been miserable really. It’s been more like… like I’ve been very preoccupied, mentally speaking,” he added.

  Sara had a feeling she might be the subject of his thoughts and pondered whether or not to question any further, but it was clear that Jude had something he wanted to say to her so she invited the conversation to continue. “What’s been on your mind?”

  “To be honest,” Jude hesitated but eventually spat out, “it’s you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. Ever since … the elevator a few weeks ago, I’ve been curious about how you’re doing.”

  “Jude, you know how I’ve been doing. We covered that already. But it’s sweet that you’re worried about me.” Sara wanted to tell him more about her feelings but felt inhibited, as if she shouldn’t allow their conversation to become too intimate. She struggled all week with a feeling of guilt about how much she’d opened up to Jude when they last met, and Sara feared that if she seized the opportunity to open up again, she might also unearth some emotions she’d buried deep within some time ago.

  “A part of me has always worried about you, Sara,” he offered. His sincerity was evident in the soft tone of his voice.

  “Everything’s fine. It’s life, right? We all have our moments,” Sara attempted to suppress her desire to reveal more as she slipped off her clogs and made herself comfortable on the smooth, cool sofa.

  “Perhaps. Well, I’m still glad I have the chance to see you again. It’s nice seeing you out of your element, I mean, at the hospital.” Jude offered - an attempt to keep the conversation going. She was breathtaking, sitting there with her legs curled together at her side; her medium brown tresses cascading over her shoulders. Jude absorbed her presence like a sponge and desperately wanted to keep her with him for as long as possible. “Do you like working there?” he questioned.

  She grinned, “I enjoy certain aspects of the job.”

  “Oh?”

  “Sure, like running into old friends,” Sara flirted.

  Jude searched his mind for something playful to say to echo her, but suddenly became speechless. Nothing. Finally, he simply chuckled in agreement, “Well, I’m enjoying that aspect, too.”

  Noticing a glass dish of wintergreen mints that rested on the table beside her, Sara casually reached for a mint and removed the wrapper before popping it into her mouth. “So tell me why you really asked me to come here,” her emphasis on the word ‘really’ surprised Jude and he gave her an uncertain look. “Oh come on, Jude. Ten years have passed but some things never change. I may not have your sixth sense but I can still tell when you’re holding back. So what is it?”

  Damn, he thought. The truth was that he really just needed to see her again; to talk with her uninhibited by the eyes and ears around them. He craved her, but couldn’t possibly be that honest with her now. And if Jude were to be honest with himself, he knew it wasn’t a good idea to even entertain the notion of having a friendship with Sara. It would be impossible for him to hold back his feelings and he knew that nothing good would come of it. It was exactly the kind of temptation that he’d advise his patients to reject. Oh, how easy it was for him to succumb to it, though; to savor that desire in his heart that he knew had always been there. It felt so inviting and wonderful, and he simply didn’t want to let go of it. Furthermore, Jude had longed to explain to Sara what he was feeling at the conclusion of their relationship.

  Thinking that this conversation might be a suitable time to clear the air, Jude finally admitted, “I guess I’ve missed our friendship all of these years. I mean, at one point, we were best friends... and lovers. It’s hard to forget that. And I wanted you to know that I’m sorry for the way things ended between us.”

  Sara suddenly felt the heartache she’d experienced when she ended her relationship with Jude all of those years ago, but thought about how young and unsure of herself she was. “Jude,” she sighed, “I think I’m the one that needs to apologize. Looking back, I realize now that I was probably wrong about your professor. I was paranoid and maybe a bit insecure. The distance between us seemed so far, and I was so certain you’d fallen for her.”

  “Sara, you weren’t entirely wrong. Professor Laurent and I,” Jude hesitated for a brief moment, trying to find the right words to describe the relationship he’d had with his professor. “We did share a connection, but it’s not what you think. We were never physically intimate with each other.”

  “But what about the panties I found in your apartment?” Sara questioned.

  “They belonged to my roommate’s girlfriend.”

  The sincerity in Jude’s voice was evident, and Sara felt embarrassed realizing the mistake she’d made. “Oh,” she said, dejected. “But you just said that I wasn’t entirely wrong.”

  “Yes. The truth is, I did care for Professor Laurent. But I didn’t love her romantically. We were friends. She tried to understand my ability, and she taught me how to use it in psychology. You see, she showed me that being an empath makes me uniquely qualified for my profession.”

  “So, that’s it? She was your mentor… nothing more?”

  “Nothing more. I promise.”

  Sara’s heart sank. She yearned to know what a life with Jude would have been like had she not been so quick to dismiss him. “I can’t believe I was so stupid,” she said.

  “You weren’t stupid. You were just in love, and love has a way of changing our behavior sometimes,” Jude reassured her. “Besides, it’s all in the past now. But it does leave me wondering about something,” he stated.

  “What is it?” Sara appreciated Jude’s openness and felt her inhibitions melt away with each passing exchange.

  “A friendship now. Do you think that we could be friends? I mean, you know, introduce me to Eric, go out for dinner? Do you think that would ever work?” Jude inquired. Sara noted a look of intense curiosity and want in his eyes as he spoke.

  “Well, we were best friends, once, right?” Sara reasoned. “But things are different now, Jay,” she said with hesitation. “I mean… we have a history together. We loved each other once. It’s difficult for me to just let that go. And besides, wouldn’t it feel awkward for us? I don’t know if I could easily forget our past. Could you?”

  “Don’t you think it’s worth a try?” he questioned. “I enjoy being with you, Sara.”

  Sara was flattered that he still enjoyed her company but hesitated before agreeing. “Yeah, I guess.”

  “I know, I know,” he sighed, “we probably shouldn’t. It’s just that … it’s been a long time since I’ve felt as comfortable talking to anyone about my personal li
fe as I have with you.”

  “It feels easy, right? Almost like we picked up where we left off… well, before we broke up. Like we’re back in senior year of high school and it hasn’t been a decade since we were last together,” Sara agreed.

  “Yeah, but … it has. And I’ve been alone,” Jude replied with a melancholy tone. He continued, “And you have Eric. I haven’t had anyone... Not even a really close friend. I spend most of my time now either working at the office or caring for my father.”

  Remembering his charismatic personality in high school, Sara was surprised to hear that Jude felt so lonely now. “No girlfriend? Or college buddies?” she questioned.

  “No one close. Some colleagues that are no more than just acquaintances, and a few friends from college that I follow on Facebook. But no one,” he paused to consider his words carefully, “no one like you.”

  “I don’t know what to say,” Sara struggled now more than ever to quiet the voice inside her heart.

  “You don’t need to say anything. I’m not trying to make you feel bad or anything. I just can’t believe how, when I’m with you now, it feels like no time has passed at all and I can share anything. I’m sorry, does that bother you?” Jude wondered.

  “No, of course not! I’m glad you feel like you can share anything. I feel the same way. But,” Sara paused to consider her words, still somewhat conflicted about how intimate she would allow their conversation to become. “I just think it would be wise to be cautious.”

  “You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t, I mean, I guess we shouldn’t be so…”

  “No, it’s okay, Jay. Keep going. I’m here. I want to understand and I want to help, too,” Sara affirmed. “There must have been someone after me. I’m sure of it!”

  “No… not really. Dating’s been… interesting,” Jude remarked.

  “How so?” Sara inquired.

  His mind scrambled through memories of countless failed relationships. The frustration in his voice was evident as Jude began to explain what the cause of his failures had been, “Well, for starters, it’s exhausting knowing what everyone around you is feeling all the time. It’s kind of a curse! Every woman I’ve ever been with that knows about my ability eventually ends up a casualty. They feel like they’re unequal… because I always know what they’re feeling; like it’s an uneven playing field, you know? And you’re the only person that’s ever accepted me for who I am, for what I feel, without twisting my ability into some ridiculous mental game. When we broke up, I lost the only love and best friend I’ve ever had.”

  “Oh,” Sara spoke so softly, embarrassed that her lack of understanding stirred him to explain with such resentment why he’d had so much trouble with relationships. The tension between them became thick and Sara desperately wanted to rid the air of it. She considered telling him about how she felt a connection with him now – one that ran deeper than that of just friends. Sara wanted to tell him that she never stopped loving him; that he’d always held a piece of her heart. She yearned for him to know. And she wanted him to tell her the same.

  “So, take my hand,” Sara ordered him bravely.

  “Sara, you said yourself we should be cautious. It’s a slippery slope we’re on.” Although Jude was already aware of the feelings inside Sara’s heart, even without the touch of her hand, he believed that somehow if he spoke the words of caution, it might undo any harm that could be done by embarking on a path for which he was almost certain of the consequences.

  “I know… but, people,” she paused and inhaled deeply, “we hide things from each other. Sometimes there are things that need to be said, but we don’t say them. Sometimes those things, they eat at our souls. See, you say that it’s a curse to always feel everyone around you, but I think it’s a gift. You say that every relationship you’ve had has been destroyed by your ability, but I think you just haven’t found the right woman – someone that is open-minded.” She continued, “I don’t think that the problem is a matter of equality with you. It’s a matter of trust and exposure and insecurity. People are too insecure with themselves and we hold back saying what we feel because we’re inhibited. Sometimes I have a hard time finding the words for what I want to say, and sometimes I can’t speak at all. So take my hand, and tell me,” Sara extended her hand into the empty space between them and waited for him to answer her request. “Tell me what I’m feeling right now so that I don’t have to say the words I so badly need you to know.”

  “Don’t do this,” he whispered.

  “Please?” she pleaded. “I need this, too.”

  With his left hand, he gently pulled her hand toward his face and cupped his cheek with her palm. Jude closed his eyes as he placed his hand over Sara’s, interlacing their fingers. Sara tried to think of the best memory she had of them together so that every ounce of her heart screamed out what she’d been silencing her voice from saying. She did this so that he could feel how much her heart ached for his. Sara pictured in her mind the extraordinary night so many years ago when they made love for the first time. She pushed away as best she could the feelings of guilt and remorse for what she was doing that would creep in every now and again, and allowed herself to remember how Jude undressed her first with his eyes, and then with his hands. She closed her eyes and remembered the first slow push of him inside her, and the subsequent thrusts that followed, which took her breath away each time. She thought of the steamy heat that rolled off his body and was absorbed by her bare flesh against his. She remembered the fullness and satisfaction she saw in his eyes while they embraced when it was all over.

  Sara opened her eyes and traced with her finger a thin trail of moisture on Jude’s skin from the corner of his eye to his jaw line, shed by a single tear. “You see,” she stated with relief.

  He nodded his head acknowledging what he’d felt, but did not say a word.

  “Now you know.”

  “Why?” he softly pleaded. “Why did you need to show me?”

  “Because I’ve always wondered about you; about us; about what my life would be like if we’d stayed together. I guess I needed you to know that… that I never really stopped loving you.”

  “Thank you,” he said, biting his lower lip. It was easy for Sara to read the conflict in his expression as he mentally reviewed their intensely connected moment, and Sara thought about how easy it was for her to bring old feelings to the surface and suppress the love she had left for Eric.

  It was true. She’d never stopped loving Jude. And Sara wondered, when you love someone once, if they are truly your soul mate, is it even possible to go on in life without having love for them?

  Jude and Sara lowered their hands simultaneously into his lap and they sat in silence for several minutes facing each other. As she read the conflicted expression on Jude’s face, Sara wondered if he felt as strongly about her as she did for him.

  Although his unique ability made it easier to feel one’s heart, Jude didn’t need to touch Sara to know what she was trying to say. She was right about people and their insecurities and always hiding their true feelings. Of all people, Jude would know this part of human nature. And he desperately wanted to believe her consoling words, which tried to convince him that his “curse” was really a “gift.” Still, Jude didn’t see how she could be so blind. It’s never an even playing field with me, he thought. The hearts of everyone he was with would always be an open book to him and his instinct was to react accordingly. In his relationships with women, he’d always known what his girlfriends’ were feeling, regardless of whether they wanted him to know. He would always have the better hand. But that doesn’t stop me from having my own feelings, he argued with himself. In that moment, Jude wished that Sara had his ability. She’d know then, how he felt. The desire raged in every part of Jude’s body, to take her in his arms and show her how he felt. Jude became anxious and he began to succumb to the selfish monster inside him that craved to feel her touch; to inhale her sweet scent from a heartbeat’s distance; to taste her full
lips.

  Jude leaned his head toward Sara and embraced her flushed cheeks with his hands. A brief moment of surprise entered Sara’s heart. Sensing her hesitation, and partly knowing that what he was about to do would propel them deeper into their wrongdoing, Jude withdrew a little but as he did this, almost instantly he felt Sara’s hesitation transform into eagerness and desire. Instinctively, Jude drew in a deep breath and, having lost all of his control, felt his body tremble slightly as her warm and delicate lips met his. She tasted of deliciously sweet mint, which coerced him to continue. It was effortless – kissing Sara. More than a decade had passed since they last kissed yet it felt so familiar to Jude, and he sensed in her heart that she felt comfortable, too. Their lips seemed to move harmoniously, playfully mingling without any thought while they became momentarily lost in each other until the fleeting thought of Eric brought about the wavering of Sara’s heart. When he realized what Sara was feeling, Jude could nearly hear the snapping of two fingers as his intellect attempted to drag him out of the wonderful and awful reverie that had consumed his consciousness. While Jude slowly withdrew from their single, enticing kiss, he felt guilt in Sara’s heart. Clearly she had enjoyed their moment as much as he had, but was feeling remorseful for her infidelity.

  “We shouldn’t,” Jude recoiled, pulling his lips away from hers. “You’re married. You have a life with Eric and the kids. This, what we’re doing, we shouldn’t. It’ll ruin all of that for you.”

  God! How Jude so badly wanted to be able to tell Sara that he loved her! What she said about people holding back their feelings was so true, but he convinced himself that he’d ruin her life if he expressed his true feelings. After their kiss, Jude was certain that Sara knew he still felt strongly for her as well, but he dared not speak the words for fear it would make life more difficult for her.