by E. L. Todd
Looking at my face.
The pause continued.
Then the locks started to turn.
I inhaled a deep breath and prepared to look at her face, unsure what kind of expression would greet me.
The door opened, and she stood there, her dark hair in a braid over her shoulder, her soft eyes staring at me. The look on her face implied she hadn’t expected me to show up on her doorstep ever again. A long moment of silence ensued, her looking at me…me looking at her.
I forced myself to speak up. “You got a minute?”
“Uh…sure.” She stepped aside so I could enter her apartment.
Now I wondered how I hadn’t noticed her feelings beforehand. We broke up and I’d just assumed she moved on, but now I could feel the energy in the room, feel her weakness for me.
I walked to the couch and turned around.
She shut the door then walked up to me, her arms crossing over her chest. She stared at the floor for a while, her eyes shifting to one foot. She was in black leggings and a loose-fitting sweater, like she intended to spend the evening in front of the TV with her favorite bottle of wine.
I had to talk again. I decided to say something gentle instead of cutting right to the chase. “How are you?”
“Um…” She cleared her throat. “Good…I guess. You?”
I felt like shit. “I’m alright.”
We were back to awkward silence.
It was strange to think we were ever close at some point. We used to share every thought that came into our minds. Now she felt like a stranger because she was a different person…as was I. “I thought we should talk about everything that’s been going on… It’s gotten a bit crazy.”
She dropped her gaze again.
I’d never actually told her how I felt about Denise to her face—and I felt sick doing it now. I tried to sidestep it. “Look, Carson isn’t responsible for all of this. I was the one who made the decision. I was the one who was emotionally unfaithful. I think you should cut her some slack. There was nothing she could have done to keep everyone happy, you know? And Carson really loves you. After your last conversation, she came home and went straight to bed…and cried.”
She lifted her chin when she heard those words, her eyes just a tad bit softer.
“We both know Carson. That’s not like her.”
Kat tucked her long hair behind her ear.
“I understand why you feel betrayed by her, but you should know that when I told her the truth, she told me that it was never going to happen, that I should forget about Denise because there would be no way to keep our friendship intact if I did otherwise. She tried to talk me out of it…a lot. But I couldn’t let it go.”
Now, she couldn’t look at me.
“I’m so sorry, Kat. I hate that this has happened. I hated it when it was happening.”
She kept a stoic face, but I knew she was crying a river inside.
“I understand if you want nothing to do with me. But please…don’t cut Carson out of your life. She really loves you, really values your friendship.”
“And what about you?” She looked at me.
I stared at her for a few seconds, unsure of her meaning. “What are you asking?”
“Do you value our friendship?”
“Of course. But…I understand if that’s just not an option.” Seeing Denise and me together would probably be hard forever. Even if years passed, it would probably stay just as difficult to handle. “In a fantasy world, nothing would change. We all still hang out together.”
She tightened her arms across her chest and looked away, her fingers trailing along her jawline just the way she used to whenever she was deep in thought.
“Forgive Carson. Please.”
“I just…” She shook her head slightly. “She lied to me.”
“No.” My voice grew firm. “I lied to you. I lied to you for months because I had feelings for someone else that I couldn’t get under control. I wasted months of your life telling you I loved you when I didn’t feel that way anymore…” It was a harsh thing to say, but I needed to direct her wrath onto me and away from Carson. “Carson has been stressed about this every single day since I first told her about it. She was angry with me because I was risking her friendship with you. You assume she was prioritizing her friendship with me, but from my perspective, yours was all she cared about.”
She closed her eyes for a moment.
“Carson is the best person I know. She has the kind of integrity I haven’t ever seen another person show. She’s loyal to a fault. She’s a good friend—the best. You know all of this because you know her as well as I do. So please, let this go.”
She lifted her chin and looked at me again.
“If you’re going to hate someone, hate me. I’m the reason you’re hurting, not Carson.”
She held my gaze for a while, the emotion glistening in her eyes. “What does she have that I don’t?”
I knew we were talking about Denise now, not Carson. “Nothing.”
“Then why? We were happy—”
“I know we were. And I don’t know why. Trust me, I’ve asked myself that a million times.” My hands ran up my face and into my hair so I could grip the strands. “I tried to brush it off, but that only made it worse. It doesn’t make sense. I don’t have an answer for you. But it’s not you. You’ve never been the problem. It’s not because you aren’t pretty enough or interesting enough. It’s not you.”
She dropped her chin again like she couldn’t meet my look. “Is it because she’s Carson’s sister?”
“Meaning?”
She looked at me again. “You’re so close with Carson. Maybe this is a way to be with Carson without actually being with her.”
My eyes narrowed at the accusation. “I don’t have feelings for Carson. That’s ridiculous. If that were the case, I would have done something about it by now. There’s zero attraction there. I’ve seen her naked and, still, nothing. And trust me, I’m straight.”
“That’s why it makes even more sense.”
My eyes narrowed in confusion.
“You love Carson, but you aren’t attracted to her. Denise is a version of her that you’re attracted to.”
“Denise and Carson are nothing alike.”
“Well, that’s the only explanation I can think of—and it makes sense.”
I’d never examined my own actions before, but I didn’t think that was the case. Or maybe it was, because I’d never felt this way about anyone before. If Denise and I ended up together, Carson and I would be related, and she would always be in my life, which was nice. My children would be related to her.
“At least that’s what I tell myself to make me feel better. That I didn’t have a chance.”
That part was true, based on the potency of my feelings. “The reason doesn’t matter. What does matter is your friendship with Carson. Don’t lose something so great because I’m a jackass. Good friends are hard to come by.”
“I know that.”
“Then…forgive her.”
“I’m still angry right now—”
“Then take some time, but don’t throw it away. We both know you’re never going to find a friend as good as Carson. You can’t afford to lose her, frankly. This city is huge, but it can be the loneliest place in the world.”
She looked into my eyes awhile, her thoughts a mystery.
“I’d really like it if we could be friends too…someday.”
She tucked her hair behind her again, even though it was already placed there. It was an absent-minded action she’d always made.
“But I understand if we can’t. I’m just putting that out there.”
She nodded. “I appreciate you saying that.” When it was just her and me like this, she was vulnerable and small, like she wanted to move into a corner and disappear. My proximity affected her, made her nervous and excited at the same time. “Kat…you’re beautiful.”
She lifted her gaze and looked at me, grabbing
on to those words like a lifeline.
“Some guy is going to come along, and he won’t be able to believe that he found you. He’ll worship the ground you walk on, love you in a way I never did. You’ll be the love of his life. I’m sorry it wasn’t me, but whoever replaces me will be much better.”
“Maybe…” Her voice cracked when her suppressed emotion shone through. “But honestly…you’re the love of my life.”
A wrecking ball just crashed into my chest—and I couldn’t react. I couldn’t show my pity, couldn’t show my self-loathing. “That will change. I promise. When you meet the perfect person, I’ll mean nothing to you. You’ll wonder why you ever felt anything for me at all, because I’m kind of a douchebag.”
Her wet eyes suddenly calmed as a laugh escaped her lips.
A smile broke across my lips when I heard that sound. “I am. We both know it.”
After she chuckled for a bit, her eyes started to dry. “No, you aren’t.”
“I’m pretty sure Carson would disagree with you.”
“And she would be teasing if she did.”
I looked at Kat and felt the atmosphere change, felt the energy become less hostile. The ice around her heart had been broken, and the kind person I knew shone through. “Think about what I said, okay? We all love you very much.”
“Including you?”
My eyes softened. “If you ever really loved someone, you never stop. And if you don’t love them, you never did in the first place. You know which one applies to us.”
When I came home, Carson’s laptop was open on the dining table, but she was sprawled out on the couch, her feet on the edge of the armrest, a blanket pulled over her with a margarita on the coffee table.
Normally, I would talk some shit right now, but she was obviously hurting. “What are you watching?”
“You know…” She spoke in a bored voice like she didn’t even care what was on the screen. “Keeping Up with the Bitches…whatever it’s called.”
Carson rarely watched TV unless it was sports or the news. “And why are you watching that?”
“Because I wish I were a rich bitch, walking around, stirring up shit…”
I set my bag on the counter and sighed because Carson had really fallen into the rabbit hole. “I need to talk to you.”
She crossed her ankles on the edge of the couch, her slippers visible. “Go ahead. Talk.”
I entered the living room and got a full view of her, in her pajamas with her hair in a ponytail. There was a chocolate stain on the front of her shirt, and she hadn’t worn makeup to the office, even though she always did. “I talked to Kat today. I saw her right before I came home, actually.”
She stilled at my words before she quickly sat up. “Seriously? What happened? What did you say? What did she say?” All the questions rolled out of her mouth at the same time, so it was just a jumbled mess.
“Chill out, and I’ll tell you.”
Her ponytail was high in the center of her head, and the hair shifted in front of her face, so she had to fling it away.
“I basically told her you’ve been really sad about the whole thing…and she should forgive you. I told her I was the one who made the decision and you’ve been rooting for her the entire time, which is true.”
“And…?” She took a deep breath like my answer was a lifeline.
“She said she would think about it.”
Disappointment filled her gaze.
“I think she’ll come around. She just needs some time. I told her I’d like it if we could all be friends, so we’ll see how she responds.”
She nodded before she took another deep breath. “Well…thanks for doing that.”
“I won’t let you lose her because of me. That’s not right.”
She shrugged. “Sometimes, that’s how life works out.”
“Well, that’s not how this is going to work out. I’ll make this right…eventually.”
“God, I hope so. I’ve felt like shit like every single moment of every day.”
“Yeah…I noticed.” I grabbed the remote and changed the channel. “And turn this shit off. You’re better than this.”
“Better than rich-bitch drama?” she asked. “No one is better than that. But I know the game is on, so I’ll let you change it.” She already seemed better, a slight smile moving onto her lips. Her eyes were a little lighter, and the old Carson started to come back into view. Then she asked the question that told me everything would be okay. “So, what’s for dinner?”
13
Dax
“I’m so happy to hear that.” I sat across from Charlie in the bar, waiting for Carson to show up. “It’s really been eating away at her, and it kills me to see her like that.”
“Me too.” His hand rested on the top of his glass, his eyes down. “So, hopefully, Kat comes around. I felt like it was a good conversation. I mean…it went better than I thought it would.”
“I’m sure she will. Not to seem insensitive, but I think she’s being unfair, blaming Carson for everything.”
“That makes two of us,” he said quickly. “But she’s just emotional and hurt, not thinking clearly, and she’s stubborn. So, I’m afraid that stubbornness will last a long time, until the point when it’s too late.”
I nodded in agreement. “You’re probably right.”
He brought his beer to his lips and took a drink. “Carson’s been turning to you for comfort, though…that must be nice.”
I didn’t want Carson to be upset about everything, but I couldn’t lie about that. It was nice to be the first person she went to instead of Charlie. “It is.”
“And it’s nice for me because I have so much more free time on my hands,” he said with a chuckle.
“And what are you doing with this free time?”
He lowered his beer to the table and shrugged. “Nothing, actually.”
“And is that going to change?” This guy had the willpower to hold off for a long time, so how did he still have the strength to keep up that restraint?
He shrugged. “You think I should?”
“Only your dick can answer that question.”
He released another chuckle. “He and I never agree or anything.”
“Anything?” I asked incredulously. “I find that hard to believe.”
He grinned. “I guess I wanted to wait until Kat and Carson officially made up, but I have no idea when that will be.”
Now I understood why he and Carson were so close. They were both so selfless, always putting everyone else’s needs before their own. “Who knows when that will be or if it will even happen? You deserve to be happy, Charlie. Go for it.”
“You think so?”
“Yeah, man. It’s been a long time…”
He stared at his beer for a while before he gave a nod. “Yeah, it has.” He brought his beer to his lips and took a drink before he looked across the bar, clearly thinking of something else. “Yeah…I think I will.”
“Good. When are you going to go for it?”
He shrugged. “Next time I see her…maybe.”
“Good luck. But I have a feeling you don’t need it.”
He turned back to me, a slight smile on his lips. “I think she’s into me, which has made this so much harder. But I guess the wait is over. I haven’t been seeing anyone for a while now, so that’s made it even more challenging.”
“That’s sweet, Charlie.”
“Or lame, depending on how you look at it.”
“If someone means something to you, the wait is always worth it.” Carson popped into my mind, the woman who was so much more than sex, so much more than all the superficial sensations of lust. I waited a long time for her, but I would have waited longer.
“Okay, now you’re lame,” he teased.
I shrugged in guilt. “Yeah, I’ve been pretty lame since I settled down.” I’d closed the doors on my playboy lifestyle and turned into a monogamous and committed man—and it wasn’t hard. I didn’t miss my past a
t all. It was just money and loneliness. The reason I wanted Carson to meet my rich friends was for them to understand why I declined their invitations to party. Instead of giving me shit about it, they would see she was a great woman and respect that.
“Are you going to ask her to move in?”
I stared at him for a while, surprised by the question. “Why do you ask?”
“Because it’ll be nice to get my apartment back. When I walked into the apartment the other day, she was watching some stupid reality show on the couch with dishes in the sink and shit everywhere. Be nice to have the place to myself again.”
I took a drink to suppress my grin. “You’re really selling it, man.”
He laughed. “That was a stupid thing to say, huh? I mean, she’s not all that bad…” He took a drink of his beer.
Even if she was a slob, it wouldn’t bother me. I was sure she would be different living with me, because we were partners rather than roommates.
“And I just want some privacy for Denise. I bring girls to the apartment all the time, but none of them have ever been her sister. So that’s a little weird. I hear you guys going at it sometimes, and I know she hears me, so…”
“Yeah, that would be weird.”
“So, I need you to take her off my hands.”
I chucked. “Your suggestion has been received.”
“You know I’m kidding, right?” He looked at me over the top of his glass. “No pressure.”
I loved having her over, loved fucking her first thing in the morning before I was even fully awake. We made dinner together in the kitchen as an evening ritual, and sometimes we watched a game on TV before we got nasty on the couch. I loved having her around. I wished I had her around more. “Yeah, I know.”
His eyes moved to the TV as he continued to enjoy his beer, his blond hair getting a little long, like he needed a haircut. He leaned back against the booth and rested his arm over the top, his eyes still on the TV, sitting with me like I was Matt instead of the man seeing his best friend. It seemed like we were actually friends, not just acquaintances.
“Can I ask you something?”
