If only he had just once said he loved her. How she longed to read those words again and again.
If only...if only...
* *
Bryce stared at the plane ticket in his hand. Boston. Was he really doing this? Just showing up and hoping Lisa wouldn't send him away? Why would a woman he'd known for less than a week have any feelings for him at all? It had been months since he'd had any contact with her. Four months, three weeks, five days. And all that time she could be hating his very existence. She'd lost Roger and Jonathan. That would never change. Why would she give him a chance?
He had a stack of letters in his briefcase. If he wasn't the most ridiculous sap he'd ever met...
He had to go through with it or wonder the rest of his life if he'd lost what really mattered. After spending Thanksgiving in Alaska with his parents and his sister's family, he knew he had to find Lisa and Julianne. He had a plan. He'd taken leave instead of resigning from the FBI. That gave him room to adapt his plan. He had several interviews scheduled in Boston with firms that offered high-end security. But he didn't really think Lisa and Julianne wanted to live in Boston. What if it was a stop along the way for them? A place to catch their breath? Then again, kids needed consistency, and Julianne hadn't had any for the past three years. If they wanted Boston, he was moving to Boston.
Christmas was in two weeks. He had two weeks to meet with them and convince them he was in their lives to stay.
God, I'm excited and a little apprehensive. Ok, I'm scared. I don't do scared very well. Help me...please.
Realization dawned on him. Had he ever told God he loved him? It sounded ridiculous. Why would God need him to say that? Surely, He didn't. But he'd noticed something at Thanksgiving with his family. They said they loved each other. A lot. He had nodded when the sentiment was spoken at him. Why did it bother him to say those words? Of course, he cared about them. He cared about Lisa and Julianne. Had the pressure and danger of his job given him a reason to stop saying those words? He sounded like a shrink. What did it matter? He needed to say it and move on.
God, I love you. I love what Christ did for me on the cross. I love how you've changed the way I feel about life. I love that you've given me new purpose. I love you.
There. Saying it didn't make him weak. Needing God didn't make him weak.
Telling Lisa he loved her wouldn't make him weak either. And that was one psychological conundrum he did not want to fathom.
He got on the plane.
Chapter 13
Would You, Could You...If I Love You
Lisa and Julianne gathered their things from under the church pew and joined the meandering crowd flowing toward the doors.
"Have you got Hospitality today?" asked Julianne, cocking her head to look up at Lisa.
"Yes. I won't be long. Hungry?"
"Starving. Think I could snag a cookie before all the visitors get in there?"
"Sure. Go ahead. I'll meet you in the lobby when I'm done."
Lisa watched Julianne flit through the throng of church-goers and out the exit. That she didn't look back for Lisa's approval was monumental evidence that Julianne was becoming more and more comfortable at this church.
Lisa was, too. Taking a position at the Hospitality table after the service had forced her to meet and greet newcomers. It had also helped her form relationships with other women in the church. People were getting to know them and greet them by name.
It helped going somewhere that no one knew Roger. They didn't expect to see her with him. She didn't have to feel as if there was an empty space beside her. It was just her and Julianne.
Someone gripped her hand, and she looked up at the smiling face of the pastor. He and his wife had been a huge part of making her and Julianne feel welcome. Their mature presence was warm and comforting.
"Good morning, Lisa. I've got someone for you to meet. He's new, and I thought you could show him the way to the Hospitality area."
"Of course, pastor."
He turned his body to the side, and Lisa gasped. "Bryce!"
"So you know each other? Great. I'll see you later, Bryce. It was a pleasure to meet you. Lisa." He nodded then walked away.
Lisa barely noticed his exit. She couldn't take her eyes off Bryce. He was wearing a black suit and a white dress shirt. He couldn't have looked better.
How did she look? Had she spent enough time on her make-up that morning? Why hadn't she worn something more attractive than the plain black dress and flat shoes? She looked like a widow. She was a widow.
Why was her heart beating as if it would jump out of her chest? Why didn't he say something?
When tears formed in her eyes, she turned away and fled.
"Lisa!"
She ignored him and barreled out the nearest exit. What was she doing? What was he doing here?
He had found them. He'd really done it.
She had no idea how she felt about it.
She reached the hospitality table and grabbed at a pile of napkins. She spread them out and added a cookie to each one, anything to keep her hands busy and to keep from having to look up.
When his hand reached out to cover hers, she glanced at him. He looked the same as always. Solid. Secure. Eyes boring into hers.
Thank goodness there was a table between them. She wanted to launch herself into his arms. She would not do that again. No matter how attractive he was.
He tugged. "Lisa, please."
"What do you want? Why are you here? How did you find us?"
Finally, he smiled and dropped her hand. "Really? You think the FBI can't find one little girl and her mother?"
"I wasn't hiding."
"Right. No forwarding address."
"Did you come here to argue with me?"
"I came here to marry you."
Her mouth gaped, and she backed away. She could not do this. Not here. Not in front of all these people. Already, the other women were smiling as they watched her and Bryce.
She hurried past them, keeping a stiff smile on her face until she sighted Julianne. "Time to go."
"Already? You just got-Bryce!"
"Julianne, no."
Her daughter vaulted away from her before she could stop her, but Lisa continued toward the double doors that would take her outside to the parking lot.
She didn't know why, but she had an overwhelming urge to run. And cry. And scream.
* *
Bryce didn't know what he'd expected but it hadn't been full- on retreat. Surprise, maybe. Even anger. But Lisa looked afraid. Why was she afraid of him? It hurt. More than anger would have. That, at least, he could understand.
Then when Julianne rushed toward him, he wanted to cry. A grown man who carried a gun, and he wanted to cry because his little girl was happy to see him.
She nearly knocked him backward with the force of her approach as she threw her arms around him.
"Bryce. I knew you'd come."
He held her tight against his chest. "Hi, Jujube. I missed you. Did you miss me?"
She nodded against him, and his shirt felt mysteriously damp. Was she crying? What did he do with a crying female when her mother had just run from him like a frightened deer?
"Hey now, what's this?" He lifted her chin, reaching in his pocket for a hanky. "Here."
She dabbed at her face. "What took you so long? We've been waiting."
"We? Your mother just ran out the door like I'm the last person she wants to see."
She looked at him, smiling and wiping her eyes.
He kissed the top of her head. "I missed you."
She laughed. "Not as much as I missed you."
"Hah! I hear you got grandparents and a new tennis partner."
"My grandpa, but he's not you."
He took her hand. "Have I told you lately you're the best kid in the world?"
"Boo-ob, I'm a teenager, not a kid."
He held her out. "Yes, you are. What a lovely young lady. I think you've grown at least three inches. Are you a
t my shoulder now?"
She rolled her eyes. "Yes, it's awful. I tower over the boys in my class."
"Oh, no. Please don't tell me you're looking at boys. I'm not ready for that."
"Well, sort of. But you don't have anything to worry about."
"Does that mean you're still my girl?"
She nodded, and a tear slid down her face.
He raised their clasped hands and kissed her knuckle. "Julianne, I love you."
"I love you."
She leaned into him, and he smoothed the back of her head. This was life. He could hold her close forever, but he had the problem of a missing mother and a slew of spectators.
The pastor's wife walked up and smiled briefly. "Julianne, your mother asked me to tell you she's waiting at the car. I believe she was in some hurry."
Julianne exchanged a glance with him.
"It's ok, Jujube. I'll be around. Give mom some time." He reached inside his suit and pulled out two packets. "For you and your mom."
"You kept writing." Her eyes opened wide with wonder as she took the letters.
"I missed you."
"Is your phone number in here?" She held up the stack of letters.
"Your mom wouldn't like that."
"She doesn't have to know. You still have an FBI number, don't you? A business card?"
"Sweetheart, as much as I want to hear your voice every day, I won't keep a secret from your mother. I've done enough of that. How have you been?"
"I'm going to private Christian school. No more evolution for me. Mom's teaching there." She chuckled. "I guess you know."
"It's nice to hear it from you. Are you happy?"
"I am now. You're staying, aren't you?"
"It's sort of up to Lisa."
"She misses you."
"Yeah, I noticed that the second she bolted from the room."
Julianne laughed. "I watch her face when I talk about you. And..."
"And?"
"This teacher at school asked her out. She said no."
"What!"
"Aha! There is something you don't know."
"What's his name?"
"Why? So you can have him assassinated?"
"So I can knock his teeth down his throat."
"No need. Mom doesn't know he's alive." She giggled. "She keeps your letters."
"How do you know?"
"They're in her lingerie drawer."
"Hmm. I guess there's hope."
Lisa's head poked in the main door and glanced around. Her gaze froze on Julianne and Bryce. "Julianne, now."
Bryce raised his hand and smiled at Lisa. She ducked out the door.
Julianne gave him a quick hug. "I better go."
Bryce watched her as she walked away from him. It was almost as hard as the day Lisa kicked him out. This time, he wouldn't give up so easily.
He smiled as he walked slowly toward the parking lot. She'd kept his letters. And now she had more to read.
Thanks, God.
* *
By the time Julianne got to the car, Lisa was fuming. How dare he keep Julianne in there talking when she had sent someone after her? Who did he think he was?
When Julianne got in the car and slammed the door, she had a huge smile on her face. Lisa bit off the angry words she'd been about to let lose. Her daughter hadn't been this happy since the last time they'd seen Bryce, not even when playing tennis with her grandfather.
Lisa cranked up the heater and pulled out of the parking lot.
Julianne hummed to herself, either lost in the happiness of Bryce's appearance or waiting for Lisa to comment on it.
She couldn't. Not yet. Seeing him had brought up all the old doubts. Not really old, a few months had passed but not enough for her to know her own mind. Roger or Bryce.
Why did choosing one mean saying goodbye to the other?
She felt disloyal for even considering Bryce.
Julianne kept up her cheerful tune all the way home where she bound out of the car and pranced through the front door.
"Julianne!" Lisa called after her as she pulled off her coat and hung it in the hall closet. "Ready for lunch?"
"Not now," came her muffled response from behind the closed door of her room.
"I thought she was starving," Lisa muttered to herself as she wandered into the kitchen.
She opened the refrigerator door and stood there. A sandwich? Leftover spaghetti? Bryce?
A vision of his expectant face loomed in her mind. And that hangdog expression when she'd run out on him. So adorable.
She sank in a chair at the kitchen table. What was she going to do? She would never hear the end of this from Julianne.
She rose and padded to her room. She may as well change into some warm, comfy sweats and make a fire. It was the only good thing about winter. A roaring fireplace...and snow. Fresh snow was beautiful.
When she reached her room, she froze. There on her bed was a small pile of letters entwined by a red ribbon. That was not the packet of letters from her dresser drawer. She had put a rubber band around those.
Obviously, these had come from Bryce. Julianne must have hidden them underneath her coat. But who had added the red ribbon? She didn't know if Bryce was that romantic or not.
Why was she focusing on that red ribbon when she had letters to read?
She picked up the packet and stared at it.
After sitting on the bed, she held it to her chest. It smelled ever so faintly of Bryce. She closed her eyes and rocked back and forth. Should she or should she not?
If she didn't know, she wouldn't read them.
Without another thought, she flung them at her bedside table, not even waiting to see if they made it and strode into her closet to hang up her dress.
An hour later, Julianne appeared at her door. Lisa kept her eyes trained on the test papers she was scoring. She might be on Christmas break, but she wanted all her schoolwork caught up.
"Hi, mom. Whatcha' doin'?"
"Grading papers. Hungry?"
"Why are you grading papers?"
"Papers don't grade themselves, you know."
From the corner of her eye, she caught Julianne's interested glance around the room until she noticed the letters on the bedside table.
"But don't you want to...aren't we going to..."
"What? Talk about Bryce?"
"Yeah. He came after us. You know you're glad."
Lisa sighed. "I don't know that. Your father's death still feels very real to me. And Bryce...well, he was a part of that."
"Mom, he wasn't. Not really. And he loves us." When Lisa didn't answer, Julianne dropped to the bed. "You should read the letters. You'll know how he feels."
"It doesn't really matter how he feels if I don't know how I feel."
Julianne huffed. "Well, I do."
She stalked out of the room and slammed the door.
Lisa rolled her eyes. Great! He was back one day and already her teenager was acting like a...like a teenager. Having a man around certainly complicated matters.
God, what do I do?
For the next three days, Julianne maintained a placid façade as she asked Lisa to read the letters. She even apologized for slamming the door.
By Wednesday afternoon, her air of anticipation lit her entire demeanor as she sang through the house.
Lisa was not looking forward to the inevitable battle over whether or not they would go to church. It they went, Bryce was sure to be there.
She had decided not to go. Julianne would not be pleased. She had already put on one of the outfits Bryce had bought for her birthday.
At six o'clock, Julianne raced into the kitchen and slid to a stop, her eyes wide with dismay. "You aren't dressed!"
"We aren't going."
"But..." She wrung her hands. "You're doing this on purpose. I know you don't want to see him, but I do. It isn't fair."
"Julianne, listen to you. I don't want Bryce Watson to come between us."
"All he wants is to take ca
re of us...to love us. If you'd read the letters, you'd understand."
Lisa shook her head, and Julianne disappeared from the room. Less than five minutes later, she was back, holding a single sheet of paper. She sat at the kitchen table and read.
Dear Jujube,
I can't believe it's been almost five months since we saw each other. Not a day goes by that I don't pray for you and your mom. I miss you both, but I know God's doing something in all our lives. If I didn't believe that, I would have come after you long ago. But I'm learning to trust.
What I hope for, what I pray for, is that you and your mom will someday see that you can love someone else without betraying your father's memory.
Although I only knew him a short while, he was a good friend, someone I respected. He was an amazing man who believed in doing the right thing. If it wasn't for your dad, I wouldn't have found God.
You remind me of him. Courageous. Funny.
For you and Lisa, I wish I'd done a better job of protecting your dad. I wish I'd realized he needed protection. I can never make up for that mistake, but I hope someday you can forgive me.
If you ever need anything, I want to be there for you. I'd like to offer advice. What little I'd have for a young lady. Avoid boys. That's the best I can do for now. And listen to your mother.
Have I told you lately you're the best kid in the world? Someday I'd like to be a dad to a kid just like you...or even you. You're an amazing young woman!
With all I am, I hope you're always in my life.
Julianne looked up. "He signed it, I love you, Bryce."
Lisa dabbed away a tear. It was a good letter. He'd said things Julianne needed to hear. He hadn't asked to take the place of her father, but he'd offered his love and support. His love. He'd said he loved her.
If Lisa had read her letters might she also have received such a declaration?
Too late now. Her daughter was waiting for a response.
"Give me time to change, Julianne."
* *
Bryce paced the foyer of the church, continuously looking toward the doors. He'd given Lisa space the last three days, and he'd gone to his interviews. If he wanted a job in the area, he could have one.
Would they come? If they didn't, he would have his answer. Lisa didn't want him in her life.
Would You, Could You Page 13
