by Erik Hagen
Short Stories from Aesthetic Life
By Erik Hagen
Copyright Erik Hagen 2011
Selected Stories
My Regine Olson
Hold On, Call Field or Edward Estlin for Clarification
I Reflected and Made You Mine
When the Choir Sings Fortune
Ethicism Rising
Would Kierkegaard hate me too much if I fell back into aesthetic life? (2006).
My Regine Olson
"Hey Regine, sorry to call you so late but I need to record this call."
"What? Why?"
"I really want to remember this conversation."
"Well I, I mean I guess that's ok."
"Regine, I can't stop thinking about you."
"What?"
"We ended things on too bad of a note. I don't care that you're in Virginia. I think about you everyday."
"What? I don't understand."
"I think about you everyday. It happens, randomly, like when I eat. Or sometimes it happens when I just walk into a room. I keep thinking you should be here with me."
"What? This doesn't make any sense. Why are you telling me this now?"
"I need emotion."
"What do you mean, you 'need emotion?'"
"I need to hear real emotion."
"So did you call me just to bullshit like this?"
"No. That isn't real emotion. I need something real."
"I don't get why you called me so late. I have to wake up early. You do realize we are hours ahead of you guys, right?"
"Because I need real emotion. If I called you in the afternoon, you might be around people and that would stifle your real reaction."
"Why would I have a reaction?"
"Because you still have feelings for me."
"Karl, seriously, I told you before that I have a new boyfriend. I don't have any feelings for you."
"Don't dance around it. You still have feelings."
"No. I'm telling you very clearly that I have no feelings for you. I think we can stay friends, but only that, just friends. We barely talk and are too far apart to see each other. We don't go to the same schools, my family moved out of Springfield so I won't be visiting and we would have to take a plane if we ever want to meet again. We won't see each other anytime soon."
"Those are things that could be fixed easily by moving closer together. Then your real feelings might come out."
"No. I am telling you. I'm very happy with my boyfriend and we may move in together soon. Don't try to stir up shit for no reason."
"I need real emotion, Regine. Just give me some real emotion and I'll hang up the phone."
"What the hell are you talking about? Do you think this is some sort of fake emotion? Do you think I just lie to you over and over again to hide my true feelings?"
"I need real emotions, Regine. I need something real; something that drips with emotion. I'm so bored with a melancholic life!"
"What do you want? You want me to yell or bring up things we said to make you cry or something?"
"Would that capture real emotion?"
"I don't know. I don't get what you're asking me to do. You always do this. You do weird shit and expect everyone else to understand what the hell you do. You just have no idea how to talk to other people or relate to them or anything. I've never met anyone so stupid and oblivious, like ever."
"Sorry to have kept you up so long. I need to wake up early as well so I need to go. Goodnight Regine."
"Karl, I'm sorry. I'm just tired and..."
"It's fine. I need to get to sleep now. Goodnight Regine."
"...Goodnight Karl..."
I fell in love with poetry. She corrupts – makes you search for beauty in everyday life. But calling everything beautiful devalues the Truly Beautiful. Then who can tell the difference between the two? (2007).
Hold On, Call Field or Edward Estlin for Clarification
I guess I am comfortable sitting down with you now and briefly justifying my recent choices. Since feeling is first, I knew the complicated emotions came before the whole rational part. Sophia had those qualities that drew me to her. She brought out emotions and feelings that I didn't recognize. I can't remember if I had felt them before, not love or anything, but indescribable whatever. It's hard to enunciate. I mean, I don't know if you feel anything the same way that I do, but there just isn't a word to express it.
I guess, to start off, I am just really happy when we are together. She doesn't pay any attention to the syntax of things, at least, that's what Olaf told me before I met her. He added "those people, they never wholly kiss you." He argued all the time that there were too many people worried about careers and acceptability. I liked that idea. It seemed to apply to Sophia. Anytime there are observers around, like in movies, there's always syntax. Don't do this, do that a little more, rules for what we needed to do. She didn't care. There are people in the world that worry about a progression -- from hand holding to bases. Olaf's girlfriend paid too much attention to the syntax of things. His girlfriend, Mika, came from Japan and was seven years older than him. She looked younger, so nobody could tell. But nonetheless, she was always worried that people would guess her age and judge the two of them. She even suggested that he should leave her for a younger woman. I never saw them kiss, but Olaf's words resonated with me every time I saw them together. I wanted to see what wholly kissing looked like. Not in a weird way or anything, but I just wanted to see it.
I want to say they are both wholly fools. I know it sounds weird, but I read it in a book once. Not like a minute of being stupid, but always stupid. Olaf worried about the syntax of things. Not as much as her, but he still worried. He and I once ran naked, in the middle of December, into the freezing Oregon ocean waters. Our two friends, Felix and Phil, watched us from a distance. Our friends were too homophobic to join us. It was dark and nobody really got a show. I asked Jim to use my cell phone and take some pictures of us. It was too dark so nothing turned out. I guess that Olaf wasn't really a fool, or Mika. I think Olaf was actually the one that said there were fools that night. Maybe just the two friends. I remember there were fools. Olaf was smart, but wrong on many things too.
When Olaf introduced me to Sophia, he prodded us into the car while whispering "spring is in the world!" Looking back, he was so excited and wanted to make a big deal about us going to Vegas. I doubt he even knew he was talking. I didn't know Sophia at the time, but Olaf invited me on this road trip because I complained about constant boredom. Sometimes when you learn to love people, feeling must come second. Sophia was the one that said feeling is first. I didn't feel much until I talked with her on the long road down to Vegas. Maybe, subconsciously, my feeling was there. When we argued, I told her that she was wrong about feelings. Actually, Olaf told me feeling was first before Sophia. I bet Olaf was telling lots of people that feeling comes first.
You should see the rushing blood to her face when she's happy! Sophia can get really mad and her face looks drunk, like Mika said. It w
as really funny because Sophia was drunk and angry when Mika said it. Anyways, Vegas wasn't the ultimate destination, we actually had other places we visited, too. For a couple minutes in San Francisco, I held her hand. When I was with her, I forgot English. I really liked that when I held her hand, I controlled what she thought. I could suddenly pull my hand out of hers, push her down and jump off the dock, laughing that I just forced her to think "what the hell just happened?" We all drank a lot in San Francisco. I can't really remember anything else about that damn city, only her hand and ticklish stomach.
In Death Valley, I learned that kisses are a better fate than wisdom. At least, that's what the books say. We stayed in a hotel about ten miles outside Death Valley. We progressed our relationship so much faster than either of us were used to. I had broken up with Regine like two years ago. Regine kept telling me she would kill herself if we broke up and I gave in a dozen times. During the last fight, I called her bluff and went to see The Ring 2 in theaters after turning my phone off. I left it off the whole night, but I got really scared that she might be coming for me if she really did kill herself – as a ghost out of the TV, window, wall, mirror or anything that ghosts usually come out of. I was pretty scared to wear my sweatshirt on the walk home because the Ring ghost kills someone while inside a sweatshirt.
As for Sophia, she broke up with her boyfriend six years ago. She was really beautiful, but hadn't been asked on a date the whole time. It made her feel a little ugly. I sometimes wish people would just date each other to help the world's self-esteem. If I dated a German girl in 1917, I think I would have ignored the war.
