Tightening the Knot

by Amanda Hamm

  By the time she finished her cereal, Meredith had done a complete job of working herself up. She was convinced anything she said to Greg would be the wrong thing and kept her jaw tight. She wondered what he was thinking about the paper. It was calling to her, but she couldn’t bring herself to pick it up any more than she could bare the thought of Greg getting to it first. She should have been the one to chase the dog. She should have insisted on getting the paper herself. Why did she even ask Greg about it? She wasn’t suggesting he should get it for her. It was just a question. There was hardly ever anything interesting in the paper anyway. Why didn’t they put anything interesting in the paper?

  Her funk was interrupted by her phone. It was Mercy.

  “Guess where I am?”

  “Oh my gosh! Are you at the hospital?”

  “I am. It’s a boy!”

  “Congratulations! I want details.”

  “Well, my water broke only about a half hour after I got home last night. I guess I just made it.”

  “Oh my.”

  “Yeah. He wasn’t born until a little after 1 am so his birthday is today. His name is Jackson Xavier and he weighs 6 pounds and 10 ounces.”

  “Jackson? I like it.” Meredith felt that this was one of those acceptable lies, and the name would likely grow on her. Mercy had lots of calls to make and so hung up after a brief account of how tiring it was to have all these people lining up to bring her gifts. She didn’t mention Meredith visiting the hospital, even though she had been making her promise to do it for a month. Meredith was too polite to invite herself.

  She hung up the phone and took her empty bowl to the sink. She didn’t really want to talk about babies with Greg and he had probably gotten the gist of it from her end of the conversation.

  He had. “Mercy had the baby, huh?”

  “Yeah. Early this morning. Or late last night, depending on how you look at it.”

  “I better get going if I’m gonna meet Dave on time.”

  “Okay.”

  He moved toward the closet and stopped. “Hey, the dog made us forget all about the paper. Here you go.” He put it on the table and left Meredith feeling somewhat less confident in her mind-reading skills.

  ╣ Chapter 11 ╠

  Judy Donnor was an accomplished conversationalist. If the situation warranted it, she could hold up both ends at once with one hand tied behind her back. Meredith contributed the story of the dog’s second escape during one lull and otherwise passed the afternoon alone with her mother-in-law by smiling, raising eyebrows, and even throwing in one or two winces at just the right times.

  When Greg returned, he drove them to his in-laws as planned. Meredith noticed, as soon as she walked in the door, a big white box sitting on the coffee table. She recognized this as the box containing her mother’s wedding dress. It didn’t appear to have been opened, yet no one mentioned it. Meredith cornered her mother in the kitchen while she was putting the finishing touches on dinner.

  “What’s going on with the dress, Mom?”

  “Nothing.”

  “What do you mean ‘nothing’? It’s just sitting there.”

  “That doesn’t constitute ‘nothing’ to you?”

  “Well, yeah, but… I mean, has Ellie tried it on or anything?”

  “No.”

  “Have you showed it to her?”

  “No.”

  Meredith was getting a little frustrated with the lack of information, particularly after having spent the earlier part of the day with a woman who would elaborate on anything. “She didn’t say anything when you got it out?”

  “Look, it didn’t come up again after you left last night. I was up first this morning so I went to the attic and brought it down. It’s been sitting right there in the living room all day and no one has said a word before you. I don’t know if she’s changed her mind and hopes I’ll forgot or what, but I know she’ll hate it and I don’t want her to feel she has to use it and I just don’t know if I should be the one to bring it up so I haven’t.”

  Jeanette turned around quickly at the end of her speech as Tom had just come in. He was alone. Meredith decided to try this new source for information. “Why hasn’t Ellie looked at the wedding dress?”

  “What wedding dress?”

  “Mom’s dress. She said last night she wanted to wear it.”

  “I don’t know. I assume she’s waiting for Mom to get it out.”

  “Get it out!?” Jeanette fumbled a little with the stack of plates she was carrying.

  “It’s sitting on the coffee table!”

  Tom poked his head around the corner, then back to his mother and sister. “In the box?”

  Meredith rolled her eyes. “No, Tom. It’s an invisible dress sitting on top of the box.”

  “Well, how is she supposed to know it’s in the box? You said it was in the attic.”

  “It was in the attic.”

  “I brought it down this morning.”

  “It’s a big white box with the words ‘Our Big Day’ printed on all sides. What did you think it was?”

  “If it said ‘Your Mother’s Wedding Dress’ all over it, then you could yell at me. I thought the box was there yesterday, like some sort of decoration. Good grief, it’s not like there aren’t boxes all over this house. I’ll get Ellie to try it on if that’s what you want.”

  “Not now. We’re about to have dinner.”

  Tom threw his hands up. “Fine. After dinner, I’ll get it out of the box and then we’ll all be happy, right?”

  “Okay.” Jeanette exchanged a look with Meredith. She seemed relieved that Ellie would be trying on the dress, but not exactly happy. She gave the plates to Meredith to take to the dining room and started handing glasses to Tom. The Santa goblets were not going to cower in the cabinets because of one overzealous toast.

  When they were done eating, Tom came back into the kitchen to put plates into the dishwasher, beginning with the one in his mother’s hand. “I’ll take care of this. Ellie’s going to try on the dress now.”

  Jeanette dried her hands and motioned Meredith to come to the living room with her. Judy followed. Ellie came down wearing the much talked about wedding dress a short time later. Her features were very young, and at twenty-four she could still pass for a teenager. She looked awkward, a little like she was merely playing dress-up and not an actual bride-to-be. The dress was clearly not made for her. The empire waist was tight under her bust and the sleeves too short. She kept tugging the dress down and then fidgeting the sleeves back into place. None of the women seemed to know what to say. Finally, Ellie said, “Well?” and they all turned to Jeanette.

  “Um… there’s a full-length mirror in my room. Let’s all look in there.” She led the way to her bedroom and Ellie stood with her back to the other three as they all gazed at her in the mirror. The reflection did not change her into a glowing bride. She still tugged uneasily as they watched. No one wanted to offend the dress’s owner or its wearer. Jeanette broke the silence. “You do look very pretty, but… but I’m just not sure it’s quite right for you. I’m so much shorter, you know.”

  Meredith suddenly found the situation incredibly silly. Ellie was so obviously uncomfortable and the angle in the mirror made her appear a true giant compared to her future mother-in-law. It was so quiet though; Meredith bit her lip hard to suppress the giggle she felt. And then she noticed that Ellie was doing the same thing. A minute later they were all enjoying a good laugh amid the relief that the dress could go back in the attic without hurting anyone’s feelings.

  “I better change. Thanks for letting me try it anyway… Jeanette.”

  Jeanette beamed. “Of course, dear. And don’t worry, we’ll find you the perfect dress.

  As Ellie went to re-box the dress, Meredith found Greg in the living room.

  “I heard you all laughing in there. Is the dress going to work out?”

  Meredith just smiled and shook her head.

  “Well, it sounded like everyone’
s okay with that.”

  “Yeah. I’m sure she’ll find something better.”

  “Hey, maybe she should wear yours.” He smiled jokingly and Meredith felt a slight flutter at the look he gave her. It was an expression that had always made her knees a little weak and it had been too long since she’d seen it.

  ╣ Chapter 12 ╠

  Jenna belonged to the same church as Meredith. They had sat together during college. Jenna returned to sitting with her parents after Meredith married Greg. It was not that they asked her to move, quite the contrary. But she held to her belief that church was a family activity, mostly because of her hopes of being joined by her own one day, and was fearful of intruding on someone else’s.

  That Sunday, Jenna persuaded her parents to join her directly behind Meredith to more easily meet up with her afterwards. They pretended not to notice the looks from the pew’s usual occupants. Jenna and Meredith had a lunch date, followed by a plan for some very last minute Christmas shopping. Christmas was now only two days away and while Meredith was generally done much sooner, Judy’s gift was the last one again this year. Greg was no help. And she had a more difficult time than usual bugging him for ideas, given how little they had been speaking.

  After the Mass, Greg renewed the acquaintance between his mother and Jenna’s parents. Judy promptly invited them to lunch and Meredith and Jenna hurried out before they could get roped into joining the rest of the party.

  As they waited for their food, Meredith asked Jenna for perhaps the hundredth time if she had any present advice and they had yet another variation of the same conversation.

  “I still think a book of knitting designs would work.”

  “But she makes all her blankets the same.”

  “That’s why it’s a good idea.”

  “No it’s not, because she’ll think I don’t like the pattern she uses now.”

  “She won’t.”

  “Well, alright. We’ll look at the bookstore first if only because we might be lucky enough to avoid the mall.”

  “It’s a plan.”

  They sat silently for a moment, Meredith contemplating all the ways her mother-in-law might misinterpret a present and Jenna casting an eye over the church bulletin she had picked up on her way out. Meredith rarely read the bulletin and Jenna typically only skimmed it for the singles events. Something different caught her eye this week. “Speaking of plans…” she started.

  Meredith looked up.

  “Are you… I mean, did you ever come up with any ‘man flowers?’”

  She smiled. “Actually… well, no ‘man flowers,’ but something you said did give me an idea, but then I changed my mind, or sort of. I mean, it made me think of something else and I’m kind of keeping that as a back-up while I try to find something I like better. But… sorry, I’m kind of babbling. I don’t suppose you brought it up because you were about to suggest a fabulous idea?”

  “I was. At least it seems like a good idea to me. I don’t know if you’ll like it better than whatever it was you were thinking of or not or maybe this is another back-up, but… here… read this.” She slid the open bulletin over to Meredith’s side of the table and pointed to the text she had been reading.

  Rejuvenate Your Marriage

  All married couples are invited to a special New Year’s Eve party, held overnight at a Triangle-area resort. Start the new year more in love with your spouse than ever after this exciting night of dinner, dancing, and marriage enrichment. Fun activities build on the lifelong journey of love. Call Mary at 555-2468 for more information or to register.

  Hurry! Space is limited.

  “It sounds like it could be fun and the ‘marriage enrichment’ part could be like very, very short term marriage counseling, which I know you are opposed to, but this would just be one night and would show Greg your willingness I think. Even if he doesn’t want to go, that title should be a pretty bold hint.”

  Meredith read the ad three times before responding, partly because it was difficult to digest while Jenna was talking, then she began nodding. “You know, I think this does at least approach fabulous.”

  Jenna grinned. “Who would believe I’m still single?”

  “I know I don’t. But as much as I’m liking this idea, I have to admit I’m a little nervous about it. It just, it sort of feels like asking him out… and it’s not like I’ve, I mean…” As she struggled for the words, a completely different thought took over. “Oh yeah! I didn’t tell you that Mercy had her baby.”

  “Really!? When?”

  “Yesterday. It was a boy of course, and they named him Jackson.”

  “That’s exciting. I hope you’ll congratulate her for me.”

  “Of course, as soon as I get to meet the little one.” But Meredith didn’t know when that might be. An odd change had come over her since hearing the news. As much as she had found it irresistible to be around Mercy and hear about her pregnancy, now that the baby had been born, she felt just as strongly the urge to stay away.

  ╣ Chapter 13 ╠

  Meredith and Jenna decided to temporarily forget there was a gift to find. They entered the bookstore and went directly to the humor section, where they entertained each other with their discoveries. Jenna pointed out various comics and Meredith read aloud passages from the books she picked up. Eventually, Meredith’s eyes wandered to a display of calendars for the following year. Jenna followed her and they flipped through several, gravitating to ones with very attractive and occasionally shirtless men.

  “Oh my. What do you think Judy would think of this guy?”

  “Very nice, but not for my mother-in-law. That’s a little creepy.”

  “Get out! This would make a great gift for anyone.”

  Jenna was obviously joking, but the mention of Judy put them back on track. They moved to what seemed a logical spot to find a gift idea as it was a large display labeled “Gift Ideas.” There was a section for girlfriends, co-workers, favorite aunts and just about anyone else for whom you could possibly want to buy a present. Meredith tried to find one for mothers-in-law, but her eye fell on the new parents section first. A whole row of books with babies on the covers spread out before her. Each baby was beautiful, smiling… and someone else’s. Meredith had felt the frustration of not having a child for a long time. She thought she had been handling it very well and she could not explain why it was at that moment that something broke. She stood right there in the middle of the bookstore, still and calm, with a rush of tears falling down her face and no way to stop them.

  Jenna noticed and went pale. “Meredith?” she whispered.

  Meredith shook her head. There was nothing to say. Jenna took her arm and gently steered her into the ladies’ room. There was a floral couch inside the door. Meredith had commented on it when they were here once before, wondering aloud why anyone would want to sit on a couch in a public bathroom. That thought was nowhere in her head as Jenna deposited her on it and sat beside her a minute later with a pile of tissue. Neither of them said anything for a full ten minutes. They were a depressing sight and others came and went with their eyes carefully averted.

  When Meredith had regained some self-control she said only, “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “Really, I’m sorry.”

  “Really, it’s okay. I’ll wait till you’re feeling better.”

  Meredith continued to dab at her eyes. Despite the complete lack of privacy, it was actually not a bad place for a private talk, what with the constant sounds of flushing, hand dryers and water running. And Meredith suddenly felt the need to pour her heart out. It seemed everything else was coming out anyway.

  “I can’t get pregnant.”

  “You… I don’t, I mean I… I’m sorry?”

  “Thanks.”

  “How long… I mean, do you want to talk about it? Is it okay if I ask?”

  “Well, honestly, I don’t know for sure that I can’t. Greg and I tried for almost two years.”

&
nbsp; “But you don’t… Is there like a test or something? I’m sorry if I’m being an idiot about this. I… Have you been to a doctor?”

  Meredith shook her head. “I’ve been too scared. I thought as long as I didn’t know for sure, there was still hope. I wanted Greg to go to a doctor first, but he refused.”

  “He refused?”

  “Basically. I started dropping hints and bugging him and after months of him ignoring me or changing the subject, I found a doctor and made an appointment for him.” She paused to throw away some of the tissue.

  “But he didn’t go?”

  “When I gave him the information, he called right in front of me to cancel. Then he threw the card away and said, ‘Don’t ask me again.’ That was almost three months ago and when things really went downhill between us.”

  “Wow. I had no idea. I thought you guys were fighting over whose turn it was to empty the dishwasher or something.”

  “Yeah, we fought about that. We were fighting about everything for awhile, but it wasn’t until we just stopped talking that it really started to hurt. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you about it before.”

  “Oh, Meredith, don’t be sorry about that. I’ve always known that you’re very private. I really respect that about you. But I’m glad that you can talk to me when you really need to. Is it helping?”

  “A little.”

  “Good. So… are you thinking you might be ready to see a doctor now?”