Tightening the Knot

by Amanda Hamm

  ╣ Chapter 32 ╠

  While Meredith had managed to avoid an ugly run-in with a parent, she had still felt the stress of the threat. And then there was the vomit, the arguments and her growling stomach. It was enough to have her craving a night out over an empty house. Fortunately, just as she began to lament not having heard from Jenna, she felt the buzz of the phone in her bag. The two friends easily agreed on a meeting place and Meredith shuffled around a bit more paperwork before heading out.

  She sat down a few moments before Jenna, who arrived grinning from ear to ear and looking just as eager to talk, though likely on happier subjects. For Meredith, listening to a friend’s good news could be as cathartic as spilling her bad; and this was convenient because Jenna would not be contained.

  “I’m going to be in love!” she announced as she took her seat.

  “Going to be?”

  “Well, I know it’s too soon to be serious about Shawn so I’m just trying to be practical.”

  Meredith suppressed a grin. Declaring future love after a first date was so much more practical than falling already. “I guess things went well on Saturday.”

  “Oh, yes! We talked and talked and we stayed until they started putting up chairs because we didn’t even notice how late it was getting. He hates those phone commercials, too.”

  “That’s definitely the basis for a solid relationship.”

  “Hey, be nice. We talked about the important things, too.”

  “The important things?” Meredith shook her head. “Don’t tell me you brought up kids on the first date again. I keep telling you that’s not a good idea.”

  “I know that’s your opinion.” Jenna twirled her napkin around looking a bit sulky, but brightened quickly. “But thirty is getting awfully close so if a guy doesn’t want the same things I want… eventually… then I shouldn’t waste either of our time. Besides, I don’t think I scared him.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He agreed that he is hoping for a family eventually.” She stressed the word again to point out how practical they both were. “And then he asked me how long he should wait before he proposes. I think he was kidding.”

  “Wait, wait… you think?”

  “Well, obviously he was kidding, but there was just something about the way he said it that… I don’t know.”

  “Wow. He sounds just a little bit insane. He might actually be perfect for you.”

  “I know! Isn’t it great?” Jenna was clearly not going to be talked down from her emotional high, not that Meredith would try. It felt wonderful to see her friend so deliriously happy and the foul mood she had been in began to lift. They continued to share details of the date and Meredith worked in some scenes from her day. Jenna was appropriately sympathetic, particularly when Meredith kept the sick child details to herself. They both went to Jenna’s place after dinner to continue their time together.

  They decided to play a game and pulled out an old checkerboard that Jenna was surprised to find she owned. She thought it must be a hand-me-down from her parents. But as they sat down to play, neither was terribly clear on the rules so they put it back and got down the usual Lost Cities, which was a fine game except that Jenna seemed to be much better at it. The progress on the game was slow as they were constantly distracted by conversation, and the time passed quickly. It was nearly 11 o’clock when Meredith left for home.

  She got ready for bed and decided to check her email before turning in. That was when her day hit the lowest point yet. There was some spam, a reminder about an upcoming staff meeting, and a note from Mercy. She opened the one from Mercy last because she hoped it would prove the most interesting. It confused her at first because it began with, “You don’t know me, but…” Then she realized that the message had been sent to Greg, that Meredith was only copied in, though there was nothing courteous about it. Meredith read it three times and still could hardly comprehend what she saw on her screen.

  You don’t know me, but you may know my name as I work with your wife. While this shouldn’t be any of my business, I feel compelled to contact you because my first husband cheated on me and I was the last to know. I am currently out on maternity leave and my replacement is a man. Talk around the school is that there is something going on between him and Meredith. I wanted to dismiss this as just an ugly rumor, but when I visited Meredith today, she had flowers on her desk in the vase from my classroom. I know that just because this man gave her flowers does not prove there is anything on Meredith’s side, but the prominent display is suspicious. Do with this information as you will.

  Mercy Sayers

  ╣ Chapter 33 ╠

  There were so many emotions to choose from that at first Meredith could not decide which to experience. There was disbelief that she had just been accused of something unthinkable, and by a friend. There was panic at what Greg would think when he read the note. There was confusion, as she now wondered if it had been right to assume the flowers came from Greg. Could they have actually come from Gavin? And if so, was that somehow her fault? Did she miss a cue somewhere in what she thought had been only friendly conversations between fellow teachers? After a few minutes of letting things sink in, Meredith decided on anger as the most appropriate emotion. Anger at Mercy most of all for even believing this rumor, let alone passing it on like this. Anger at whomever started such gossip, and she had a pretty good idea whose jealousy could be behind it. She felt anger at the florist for allowing an anonymous order. What a stupid policy that was. And she was angry at herself for not knowing how to handle the situation in front of her.

  She turned off the computer and lay in bed staring at the ceiling. She knew she wasn’t going to sleep, but it was a quiet place to think. Through all of her anger, she eventually saw that making sure Greg did not believe this email was the only thing really important. It didn’t really matter if she called Mercy and screamed at her or simply spent the rest of her life ignoring her. It didn’t matter if anyone at work was jealous or if Gavin had given that person any reason to be. Meredith and Greg had only just started to return to smooth ground in their marriage journey and removing this potential boulder was where Meredith put her focus. She wanted to let him know by her response how ridiculous the allegations were, but what was the best way to do that? If she denied it too quickly or eagerly, would that make her look guilty? If she didn’t deny it strongly enough, would he wonder why? She thought about the practical aspects. Greg was almost certainly asleep at the moment. Mercy had sent the email around 9:30, which made it somewhat unlikely that Greg had read it yet. If she called now he would not answer his phone and it was a toss-up as to whether he would retrieve her message or Mercy’s first in the morning. Since she couldn’t predict this, she didn’t know what sort of message to leave. If only he was home. If only he had seen the message first and denounced it before Meredith had any idea of what she had been accused.

  Could she pretend she hadn’t seen it? Maybe until the morning, but Greg would never believe she hadn’t seen it by the time he got home tomorrow. And how would any sort of dishonestly help the situation? She decided that the casual approach would be to wait until Greg got home, without any sort of pretense. She would just need to make an off-hand comment about how she wouldn’t be hanging out with Mercy ever again and Greg would understand. He had to understand.

  But then there was work. She could weather gossip and probably even be an adult when Mercy returned. She wasn’t sure about Gavin though. Was he an innocent bystander and unaware of the rumor or was there really a crush that triggered it? She didn’t want to act all self-conscious around him, especially if he didn’t know what was going on. Snubbing him for no reason would be mean and really shouldn’t be called for. She wasn’t very good at making friends at work and was unlikely to spend more than two minutes every other day talking to him. There was no need to panic or start rehearsing speeches. She would simply be a little more guarded to make sure he didn’t get the wrong idea and everything would be
fine.

  Meredith managed to logic away every reason to worry by about 2 am. And yet she remained uneasy about the coming day and alternated between wishing it would start so she could get it over with and wishing it would never come.

  Sleep finally became her friend a little before dawn, but was chased away by the terrible noise of her alarm before they could share secrets. The pounding headache that joined her as she climbed out of bed seemed almost like a blessing at first. She could call a sub. A moment later the idea seemed cowardly. She knew she would never stay home with a headache on any other day. She had a side of Tylenol with her breakfast and made sure there was some in her bag for later. She found she was ready a little earlier than usual, probably because the newspaper had not held her attention, and she spent the extra minutes staring at the phone. She wondered if Greg was on his way back yet. Loneliness washed over her. She thought about those times not so long ago when she had looked for ways to avoid him. It was sad to realize how long it had been since she had actually missed her husband. She wanted to hear his voice, but did not pick up the phone. The clock was calling her out the door. It was time to be brave.

  ╣ Chapter 34 ╠

  Meredith took comfort in the fact that even if every adult at the school believed the gossip about her, her students would still have no idea what was going on. Her classroom would be a safe haven. She went directly there, not sure the extra cup of caffeine would necessarily be a good thing for her headache anyway.

  The flowers sat on her desk, blooming more fully yet somehow looking less attractive than the previous day. She pulled them out of the vase, water dripping over her desk, and considered throwing them into the trash. But what if someone noticed and wondered why? And what if they were from Greg? She stuffed the stems back in the vase and settled for moving the whole display off to the side of the classroom. It wasn’t as though she had a lot of desk space anyway. As she cleaned up the water, she noticed that her wedding picture had gotten shoved behind various gifts from students and other clutter. She pulled it back to the foreground and angled it slightly towards the door. Thankfully, her headache had eased somewhat by the time her first student arrived.

  “Good morning, Miss Donna.”

  “Good morning, Jeffrey.”

  Jeffrey hung up his backpack and began to unload it. Meredith went through her papers to make sure she had everything organized for the morning. As more students arrived, she found she was able to concentrate better than expected on the tasks at hand. The morning passed as though things were perfectly normal.

  At lunchtime Meredith sat with the usual group of laptop wielding colleagues. There was pleasant chitchat and not a single one of them looked strangely at Meredith. This was truly promising. But as she opened her computer, Meredith hesitated before checking for messages. She knew that whether or not there was anything new, she was going to torture herself with another look at last night’s bomb. Curiosity, or perhaps merely habit, won out in the end. In darker print at the top of the list was Mercy’s address. Meredith read this new note, which had been sent early that morning, with a strange lack of emotion. This message was a plea for forgiveness. It blamed postpartum hormones, lack of sleep and personal insecurities for the rash email to Greg. It insisted that after rational reflection, Meredith couldn’t possibly be guilty of anything. The rumor was simply that. The problem, however, was that, intentional or not, this email stank of insincerity because this email appealed only to Meredith, this email had not been sent to Greg.

  Meredith reread the older message to refresh her anger at Mercy. Then she scowled slightly and logged out. She finished her lunch and prepared to walk her class down the hall. Ellen began to line up her class nearby. Meredith’s first impulse was to grab the French braid at the back of her neck and yank it really hard. Instead, she went with her second instinct and offered Ellen a broad, knowing smile. This clearly made her uncomfortable and neither woman said anything as they led the parade of students. But as Meredith stopped at her door, she sweetly called, “Have a nice day,” to her co-worker’s back. She wasn’t sure this exactly qualified as being the bigger person. True growth could not be rushed, after all.

  The afternoon was relatively painless. One little boy burst into tears while cutting out a project and caused her a moment of panic. Meredith relaxed when she discovered that he was not harmed, that the damage could be repaired with a simple piece of tape.

  The next and slightly longer moment of panic came when Meredith managed to leave for the day at the same moment Gavin was passing her classroom on his way to the door. When he offered to walk out with her, she thought seriously of pretending to have forgotten something. She would have gone through with it if not for the fear that he would be nice enough to wait for her.

  She tried very hard to remain calm on the short walk and stick to safe subjects. When Gavin held the door for her she said, “Greg, my husband, always gets the door, too.” She realized how not calm she was at the same point she realized it was the third time in two minutes that she had followed the word Greg with “my husband.”

  Gavin gave her a funny look that seemed to say, “I figured out who Greg was the first time.”

  “I’m sorry.” Meredith could tell that he had no idea why she was acting nuts and she was able to get a grip on herself. “Greg’s been out of town on business and gets back today. I’m just a little excited to see him.”

  “That’s nice. That he’s coming home, I mean.”

  They finished the sidewalk in returned normalcy and parted ways at the edge of the parking lot.

  Meredith blared the radio a bit on the ride home, her head feeling nearly all better. As the garage door opened to reveal Greg’s car, she felt suddenly very nervous. So far, the fallout from Mercy’s interference had been primarily restrained to Meredith’s sleep debt. Would that still be true the next morning?

  Greg was sitting at the table with newspapers spread in front of him. He looked up as she came in, smiled and said, “Hi.” She put her bag down and moved to take off her coat, fumbling a little with the buttons. By the time she got it on the hook, Greg was standing next to her. Was he watching for signs of guilt?

  He simply held out his arms for a hug and she fell into them.

  “Should we go out for dinner?” he asked into her hair.

  “Okay.” He wasn’t even going to bring it up. Of course not, she thought. It wasn’t worth it. They both knew it couldn’t be true and there was no need to suffer through an unnecessary conversation. She reached out to put her coat back on, and froze. This was taking the easy way out. She knew, she knew, that she could never again be afraid to talk to her husband. She turned and looked him in the eye. “So I suppose you know that I’m not speaking to Mercy.”

  He exhaled deeply. “I can’t believe she did that.”

  “Me neither, and,” she pulled out a little more courage here, “and what she said, you don’t believe that either?”

  “Never.” He hugged her again. “Oh, Mer, even when we were fighting about lint I knew the problems were entirely between the two of us.”

  Meredith laughed in spite of the tension. They had actually argued about lint once.

  “You didn’t really think I’d believe you capable of that?”

  “No, but… it was just hard that you weren’t here and I just thought that… that even something that didn’t need to be said, should be said.”

  He nodded. “And you know I sent the flowers.”

  Now she nodded. “Thank you, by the way.”

  He leaned in and kissed the top of her head and they both heard his stomach growl. “So about dinner? We can go to that Mexican place you like.”

  “No, I think we should get pizza, since that’s something we both like.”

  He smiled. “Now that is a great plan.”

  ╣ Epilogue ╠

  “I’m a whale.”

  “You’re not a whale. You’re a beautiful mom-to-be.” Jenna had only recently begun to complain about he
r pregnant size so Meredith could be very patient. But the baby was not due for nearly two months.

  “I am a whale. A sperm whale.”

  Meredith had a good laugh at the exaggeration. She and Jenna were enjoying a quiet afternoon on Jenna’s day off. She was still working full time, but had, since the start of her third trimester, switched to teaching water aerobics for lower impact. She looked momentarily confused at Meredith’s laughter.

  “The sperm whale is the biggest one, right?”

  “I thought the blue whale was the biggest.”

  “Oh, well. It’s still appropriate.”

  Meredith decided not to argue. Jenna sat quietly for a moment and then appeared to be leaving the analogy aside for a topic that would generate more sympathy. “I just hope George stops sharing when I go back to my usual size.”

  “What’d he say now?”

  George attended Jenna’s class at least twice a week and had recently acquired his first great-grandchild. He had actually been in the delivery room for the birth and constantly marveled at how different things were nowadays. Jenna’s work stories contained the word “nowadays” quite a bit more frequently since the average age of her clients had gone up about forty years. George mostly remarked about how much more open people were when talking about childbirth and related matters. He was always in danger of crossing the line between open and creepy.

  “I told you about the nipple thing, didn’t I?”

  “Yeah.” Meredith was uncomfortable just thinking about it. George had talked the previous week about his granddaughter’s inverted nipples and the problems they had given her when starting breastfeeding. Though Jenna was not as private as Meredith, talking to a random 80-year-old man about nipples still fell outside her comfort zone. Especially given the fact that she couldn’t help feel the conversation had been sparked by that day’s particularly cold water.