by Unknown
My legs gave out and I landed shakily on the sofa. “No way!”
“Way!” she smirked, still standing with her arms crossed and her legs apart. Like a sergeant bloody major.
“This is too much,” I shook my head, still not believing my eyes. “So how come I can touch you? You feel like a real person!”
Agnes sat in the armchair to the left of me, crossing her legs and showing off more than I wanted to see of her undergarments. “It’s a talent of mine,” she smirked proudly.
I turned my head away, still struggling to process what had just happened.
“Lauren I realise, given your poor upbringing, that this is a lot to take in, but This. Is. Serious.” She punctuated each word with a finger pointed at me, her eyes bugging out behind her glasses. “You’re in a great deal of danger and I can’t leave until I know you’re safe. You aren’t experienced enough to deal with this alone.” she said sternly.
I looked at her in a daze, latching onto the simplest detail. “What do you mean, poor upbringing?” My parents had been loving, kind, generous, everything a parent should be and I wasn’t having her demean their memory.
“Well!” She uncrossed her legs and leaned forward. “As a direct descendant of mine, you will have certain powers. You come from a long line of natural witches and that counts for something, but you haven’t been brought up in the craft. You aren’t trained, and if those monkeys come for you, you won’t be able to save yourself! As much as you might hate it, you need me. And I need Daniel’s help so stop trying to piss him off!”
“What, so I’m a witch now, on top of everything else?” It seemed a rather salient detail to withhold. “Is there anything else you haven’t told me?”
“Oh so now you want to listen? About bloody time, woman!” she said, getting up and walking out of the room.
“Where are you going?” I followed after her, even more confused than I’d been before.
“I haven’t eaten in four-hundred years. I want some food!”
And with that, she was off. Grunting and cursing as she rifled through the fridge. All that was in there was half a lemon, three eggs and some slightly green cheese. Agnes snorted in disgust.
“What?” I defended myself. “I haven’t had time to shop!” A chill swept up my legs, and I remembered I was still standing in just a towel.
“Oh, really? No time to shop for food but plenty of time to shop for clothes.” Agnes slammed the fridge door shut in disgust and started rifling through the cupboards.
“Look Agnes, help yourself. I’ll be back.”
Was it wise to leave a stranger unsupervised in my home? Did it help or hurt if that stranger was a ghost? These were the questions I pondered as I returned to the bathroom.
After restarting my shower, I dropped the towel and stepped beneath the hot water, letting it soothe my body. I wish it could have soothed my mind. My head was whirling with so many questions it was a wonder I was standing straight!
But again, habit kicked in and took over.
I could hear Agnes bashing the hell out of a pan in the kitchen as I reached for the shampoo and washed my hair. When I was done, I turned off the shower and stepped out, wrapping a towel around my body and winding another around my hair. I opened the bathroom door and tried to ignore the litany of profanities coming from the kitchen as I made my way to the bedroom to change into some clothes. I selected a tracksuit from the cupboard and dropped it on the bed, then turned to grab some underwear. All I had that were clean were the G-strings that Selina had bought me for my birthday. Cheese wires, I called them and they were always the last things in the drawer. God knows why Selina thought I needed sexy underwear that covered nothing, when I never managed to date a man more than once.
Sighing in exasperation, I dropped the towel and climbed into a red thong and matching bra. I was reaching for the tracksuit when I felt the hairs on my neck stand up.
I whirled around, ready to give Agnes a piece of my mind, only to find Daniel leaning against my bedroom door, standing in his now trademark pose with his ankles and arms crossed.
“Bloody hell!” I yelled in fright as I quickly covered myself with the tracksuit. “Don’t you have any manners? Turn around!”
“Red really suits you,” he smiled mischievously, and then promptly disappeared.
I wasn’t convinced he had actually left the room, but faced with no other option, I quickly pulled on the tracksuit and stormed out into the kitchen.
Agnes was leaning over the hob, still swearing, and totally absorbed with what to her would amount to new technology.
“Where’s that pervert friend of yours?” I demanded. “Did he tell you he was spying on me while I got dressed?”
Agnes ignored me. “Stop fussing and show me how this contraption works so I can make food!”
I rolled my eyes. Clearly a four-hundred year fast had created a one-track mind.
Just then, the doorbell chimed. Agnes jumped a foot in the air, clutching her chest in fright. I shook my head at the irony and made my way to the door, opening it to see Selina standing there with McDonalds bags in her hand.
My eyes travelled slowly between her and the bags. Our phone call seemed like a lifetime ago.
“Thank God you’re here,” I exclaimed, grabbing her by the arm and dragging her into the kitchen. I wanted her to see Agnes with her own two eyes. Then I would know I wasn’t crazy. Then she could help me piece this mess together.
Only, when we got to the kitchen, Agnes was nowhere in sight.
“Bloody coward,” I shouted, shaking my fist in the air.
Selina looked at me as though I was going barmy. “Are you feeling ok?” she asked, putting the food down on the counter. I grunted in response and proceeded to fill the kettle.
Once everything was plated and ready, we sat down at the dining table. She folded her hands in expectation, and I took a deep breath before launching into the tale. I told her everything. Ghosts, attacking spirits, bruises, peeping toms. I barely paused for breath during the whole thing, while she stared back at me with wide, incredulous eyes.
As I finished, I noticed my food seemed to be disappearing faster than I was eating it. Testing a theory, I took the Tabasco sauce from the cupboard and smothered my roll in it as Selina looked on in disbelief.
“Lauren, I have to admit, this is starting to worry me,” she stared at me with concern. “You know I try to keep an open mind and have more than a passing interest in things that can’t be explained, but even for me, this is hard to believe. Are you sure you’re feeling ok? You haven’t hit your head or anything, have you?”
As she said this, there was a sudden gagging and spluttering from the corner of the room. I laughed out loud, looking around to see if Agnes had re-materialised. Gotcha, I thought proudly to myself.
“What are you laughing at? Will you please pay attention to me?” Selina said, grabbing my arm, her eyes full of concern.
“Did you hear that?” I asked her.
“Hear what?” she said in alarm, looking very worried.
“Never mind. Look Selina, I know this is a lot to take in, but she disappeared right in front of my eyes! And sexy stranger was in my bedroom and he disappeared too! I swear to you I am not making this up!”
My voice trailed off as two bunches of Selina’s hair started moving in the air behind her, standing on end like little horns and doing a little dance.
“Look, I hate to say this, but I think you need professional help,” Selina exclaimed, rising from the table. As she did so, the horns dropped back in to place.
“There are people who can help you, Lauren. I won’t pretend I understand what’s going on, but I think we should start by calling your doctor. Is the number on your phone?” She pulled my Louis Vuitton out from under her coat and started rummaging around.
“You left this last night so I brought it over. Your phone is in here somewhere; I heard it going off last night”.
I rose and went to stop her. “Selina,
honestly, this is nothing a doctor can help me with.”
She ignored my attempt and shook off my hand, clutching desperately on to my phone and scrolling through my contacts.
Exasperated, I grabbed both of her arms and looked straight into her eyes. In for a penny…
“Desino!” I commanded.
Nothing.
I heard masculine chuckling somewhere to my left, and Selina looked at me like I had finally lost it. With a worried frown, she pulled herself out of my arms and dialled my doctor.
“Hi, I need an urgent appointment for Lauren Rutherford.” she began.
I looked up at the ceiling. I wasn’t above praying, at this point. I so did not want to be committed to a psychiatric facility. Please, God, do something!
As if I’d spoken aloud, Daniel appeared directly in front of Selina. Hallelujah, the answer to my fucking prayers. I was going to have serious words on judgement day, if that’s the best God can do!
Selina took one look at Daniel and dropped the phone and I quickly scooped it up and ended the call.
She was staring, wide eyed, at Daniel. “Fucking hell!” she whispered. “Well, I suppose at least I know you aren’t going loopy!”
Then she landed in a heap on the floor in a dead faint.
“Now look at what you’ve done,” I snapped at Daniel as I bent to pick Selina up off the floor.
Agnes chose that moment to materialise, looking decidedly green. The Tabasco effect, no doubt. I ignored her as Daniel bent to help me carry Selina into the living room and place her on the sofa.
Once we had her lying comfortably, Daniel turned to me. “Now, before she comes round, you need to tell me. Do you trust this woman, or do I need to wipe her memory?”
“You are not touching her bloody memory,” I snapped protectively. “I trust her a hell of a lot more than I trust you and loopy loo over there!”
“She could use a coven, Daniel. Perhaps Selina can be the first convert?” Agnes asked as she plonked her ample rear down on the coffee table.
“I do not need a coven! And will you use the bloody chair!” I yelled. She jumped up and moved to the chair, looking guilty, pissed off, and still slightly green.
“That was a wicked, wicked thing you did to me Lauren Rutherford and I won’t forget it!” she glared at me as she sat down, clasping her hands together and resting them on her knees.
Selina’s eyes started to flutter open and all attention moved to the slender blonde as she came round and sat up.
Her eyes travelled from the sexy man-god in front of her, to the geriatric poster-child to her left, before coming to rest on me. “So it wasn’t a dream?” she asked, shakily.
“Afraid not, sweet cheeks,” Agnes assured her.
“No, unfortunately,” I said, grimacing. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten her involved.
She turned to Agnes. “So, you’re really a ghost?”
Agnes beamed at her. “Is the pope a Catholic?”
She turned to Daniel. “…and you’re really a witch?”
Daniel folded his arms and smiled. “Yes. Yes, I am.”
She turned to me. “Well then...at least we know you’re not going loopy,” she said, smiling. “So where do we go from here then?”
“We go nowhere. You’re not getting involved in all this.”
“Are you kidding me? This is the most exciting thing to happen in ages. I am absolutely getting involved. Besides, if someone, or… or…something is out to kill you, then wild horses wouldn’t keep me away.” She looked at me sternly.
I stared in wonder at my friend. Selina was the kind of person who believed in miracles. She clung to the idea of the tooth fairy and made actual wishes on eyelashes. I supposed, in a way, witches and ghosts were right up her street but I was still astounded at how quickly she’d come to accept the version of the truth I was presenting her with.
I wrapped my arms around her tiny frame as Daniel propped himself up against the wall.
“So what now?” I asked him. There were murderers afoot. Surely these two had a plan.
Agnes and Daniel looked at each other, then Daniel spoke. “Two things. You need to be trained. I’ve warded your house and that should keep you safe while you’re home, but as soon as you step out that door, you become a target. Once I feel you’re able to protect yourself, and while you are home, I’ll continue the search for the witch hunter and his men.”
“I can help with the training,” said Agnes. “Heaven knows she needs it!”
“Oh, do me too!” Selina said excitedly. I looked at her in shock. She was definitely taking this far better than I expected.
“What?” she asked, grinning at me. “I always wanted to be able to hex the shits who send my food back to the kitchen!”
“There you go, your very first coven member,” said Agnes, proudly.
“And what if I don’t want a coven? What if I don’t even want to be a witch? You’re taking an awful lot for granted, old woman,” I snapped.
“Less of the old, missy. And saying you don’t want to be a witch is ridiculous. It’s like saying you don’t want to be a girl. Tough; you are what you are.” She glared at me as she pushed her spectacles back up on to her nose.
“The only one who can stop this is you, Lauren. You don’t really have a choice. You need to be trained so that you can defeat the witch finders and save yourself.” Daniel’s eyes were full of compassion. I wanted to poke them out. Or kiss him. Or both.
I sat back heavily in my chair, putting my hand on my neck and remembering the bruises I’d found there earlier on. This was real. As unbelievable as this whole situation was, it was real and scary and I guess I just needed to get on the bus.
“All right. I’ll do it,” I said at last.
Daniel crossed the room to me and put his hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be scared, Lauren. You’re strong, and you have us. We won’t let you down.” He winked at me, smiling, and I pursed my lips as Jolene growled.
“I feel so reassured, Daniel, thank you for that.” I said, rolling my eyes.
He laughed “Well in that case, you should start your training with Agnes now and I’ll continue the search.” He bent down so his face was level with mine. “You have to remember what I’ve said. No going outside unless you’re with me. Promise?” He stared deeply into my eyes, searching for any hint of deception.
Jolene was trying to fight her way out of the cage that Abigail had put her in to get her hands on him.
“I’ll think about it.”
Stubborn runs in the family, and I wasn’t about to submit to any man’s will. Or willy.
“Don’t worry,” Agnes reassured him, folding her arms across her chest. “I’ll make sure she stays put.”
Daniel frowned at me then smiled. Then he surprised the hell out of me by kissing me quickly on the mouth before promptly disappearing. Just as well because Jolene had chain sawed her way to freedom.
“Does he have any brothers?” Selina sighed enviously from the sofa.
Agnes took to her training role like a sergeant major. First order of business was apparently to empty my bank account by ordering a wide range of witch paraphernalia, most important of which was a cauldron, enough candles to light a third world country, crystals, a chalice, and a load of herbs and resins. It’s amazing, the things you can buy on the internet. While I did that, Selina was sent out to procure more of the ‘wicked’ McMuffins, Agnes having developed an insatiable taste for junk food.
The equipment wouldn’t turn up for a few days, so Agnes started training us in the basics of visualisation. Visualisation is the process of creating pictures in your mind’s eye of what you wanted to happen; the idea being that energy follows thought and the image you created would attract energy and allow your picture to become a reality. I had fun visualising Daniel naked and pressed up against me until Agnes slapped me over the back of the head and told me to take it seriously.
She had Selina and I visualise blowing a piece of paper across the kitc
hen table. After an hour of failed attempts, the paper finally went flying and Selina and I screamed in delight, hugging each other while Agnes, still munching on McDonald’s fries, looked on with a smile.
After visualisation came a process called grounding, which was much easier. This involved taking energy from the earth and drawing it through your body to use in rituals. Conversely, it also served to return negative or excess energy back to the earth.
To do this, we had to visualise a taproot growing from our spine and connecting us to the earth. Agnes was hell-bent on making us do this outside, but I put my foot down. My neighbours weren’t just curtain-twitchers, they took snooping seriously and were fully equipped with military grade binoculars, night vision goggles and camouflage suits. No way was I becoming the topic of conversation at the village hall on Wednesday. Again.
Once we’d mastered grounding, I was ready for a break and Agnes was ready for more food. It looked like she was planning on making up for her four-hundred year fast all in one day, having made her way through three Big Macs, three fries and a McFlurry.
As I was housebound, Selina once again made the trek to the supermarket, returning with bags full of shopping. She insisted on cooking, and I gave in gracefully, relegated to peeling potatoes and chopping vegetables for the beef stew and dumplings she had promised Agnes.
As we waited for the stew to cook, I started in on Agnes. I wanted to know more about Matthew.
Agnes sat at the table and for the first time that day, a sadness settled over her.
“Matthew Bulmer was the love of my life. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I loved Cuthbert, God rest his soul, but he didn’t light my fire the way Matthew did. But Matthew was a married man when I met him.”
I looked at Agnes in shock. “You had an affair with a married man? Don’t tell me, his wife didn’t understand him,” I said sarcastically. Selina kicked me under the table.
Agnes looked at me sternly. “You married young in those days and not always wisely. Of course, there was no chance of porce, you had to be rich for that, so you were basically stuck.” Agnes looked at her hands and I could see she was a little ashamed.
