by Unknown
I was with her for about a month by the time I figured out what was going on. Apparently, her ancestor was a witch by the name of Matthew Bulmer. He’d made a deal with the Devil and three witch finders had ended up in Hell. Matthew hadn’t read the contract. Tut, tut. Mind you, that was a difficult thing to do with Satan’s contracts any way because as soon as you turned the page, the words changed. The devil was nothing if not resourceful. The result was that the spirits of the three could return to earth at the start of each new generation of Matthew’s family. If they managed to wipe them out, the curse would end.
Lauren was the last descendant of Matthew, which also meant she was a witch. And maybe that also explained why I was so drawn to her. The really great news, however, was that they intended to capture these damned souls and return them to Hell. This might well be my opportunity to get back home.
Anyway, about a month in, Lauren was in her kitchen with an old woman called Agnes who looked like a spirit but she certainly didn’t act like one; she was solid for a start and could easily have passed for a living being. Selina, the friend who occasionally shared my bed was there and they were messing about making some potion to call what they called a ‘familiar’. I hadn’t a clue what that was but thought I’d stick around and find out. They were casting spells; I had to laugh. You don’t need to mess about with herbs and shit to make magic happen. Mind you, my magic seemed to have gone so I was up for finding out if this whole cookery show could teach me something.
They chanted some little ditty and all of a sudden I found myself changing shape. It was the single weirdest experience I have ever had, right up there with marmite on toast. My body shrank and I found that rather than sitting on the table, I was actually under the table. I looked down at myself and noticed I was also covered in fur.
What the fuck is Satan up to now? I thought.
I tried to scream at them to tell them to stop but all that came out was a squeak. I ran out from under the table and Lauren jumped on her chair and screamed. Wow, now she could see me? I stopped in the middle of the floor and looked at her. Sure enough, she was pointing at me and still screaming. The cat appeared in front of me, hissing and arching his back for all he was worth.
There was some sort of kerfuffle and the next thing I knew, the old woman, Agnes that is, had gotten down on to the floor and was eyeballing me.
“Show yourself,” she commanded.
I almost laughed. What was she going to do if I didn’t? Silly old bat. To my surprise, though, whatever she said, it worked and as fast as I’d transformed into a furry creature, I was back to my old self. And they could still see me! Praise the…Satan! I wanted to dance! I could have kissed each and every one of them. Well, maybe not the old crone!
They wanted a familiar; I’d be the best damn familiar they’d ever seen!
Once I’d figured out what that was!
1 - The harpy returns
The sounds of thumping and groaning bounced through the ceiling as I sat on the sofa in Daniel’s living room, leafing through a magazine.
Lauren and Daniel were at it again. This was really getting old. I needed to get some action and quick; I was starting to get grouchy. It had been at least 300 years since I’d last been with a man and more than that since I’d had a demon. Listening to the two shag-athletes upstairs was making me jealous.
There were no football matches today; nothing to distract me and I was bored. I dropped the copy of Vogue I was reading to the floor and sighed. I was even bored playing dress up. This wasn’t, unfortunately, an unusual state of affairs these days.
I looked up at the bouncing ceiling and sighed. Lauren spent most of her time with Daniel now and I was strictly forbidden to spy on them after I was caught in the cupboard one time. I swear I was trying to find Geordie who I knew was spying but I’d never managed to find his hiding place. Dirty little pervert.
Selina and Geordie came round a few times a week but it wasn’t enough. I was suffering from cabin fever and that was never a good thing. Boredom was the cause of all my little errors of judgement in the past and look where that got me; kicked out of Hell. I wasn’t sure how long I could keep up the good girl act with nothing to distract me. I'd even considered moving on but, and this is the strange thing, I didn't want to leave my new friends. Me? A demon. With friends. I was ashamed of myself and I could hear my mother’s voice in my head every time I thought about it.
“Demons are evil, Natalia. Demons don’t make friends, Natalia. Demons don’t do anything unless their mother tells them its ok, Natalia.” In fact, if my mother was to be believed, demons just sat in the corner until their mother needed them to do the washing or take out the rubbish.
Our recent adventures had got me to thinking about Hell. Since the first return visit, my mind had often gone on a little merry go round of should I, shouldn’t I? To the point I was getting dizzy, but it was like a sore I had to keep picking at.
I’d managed to use a portal to get back there and I hadn’t been instantly incinerated or thrown in to the abyss, as I’d suspected I would be. Maybe I should try and go back permanently now? Maybe the Devil would let me back in? At least I knew I was capable of returning, the only question was whether or not I would be welcome. I thought for a second about my parents. Did they miss me? I snorted. Where were these thoughts coming from? When did I start caring what either one of those miscreants thought?
What I did care about was whether or not Satan would return me to my former punishment of wandering earth with no one to play with. And of course if this happened, I may never get to see Lauren, Daniel and Selina again. Or worse, I would see them but they wouldn’t see me. I wasn’t sure if it was worth the risk. Three friends were better than none, right?
But what if, and this is a million to one chance, Satan was feeling particularly forgiving and did let me back? What would I be going back to? My parents couldn’t stand me and I had no real friends in Hell. Making friends wasn’t really a priority down under but I had learned to value having people around who cared about you. And before you stick your fingers down your throat, I know! All this mushy stuff is not appealing! I can hear my mother in my ear again. In fact, I’m sick of her, lately.
The alternative was to stick around here and watch those that I had come to find amusing, age and die. It was a little dilemma and I still hadn’t made my mind up, one way or the other.
And so we go on, round and round, up and down. Up or down.
Agnes materialised in front of me. “What’s up, arse face?”
I smiled at her in surprise. “Agnes! Your back!”
I jumped up from my seat and went to hug her but my arms glided straight through.
I looked at her, shocked, and waved my arms through her form, watching them pass through her and out the other end. “What? What’s going on?”
Agnes sighed. “It’s complicated but apparently all former elevated skills are revoked, now that I’m not here in an official capacity.” Huffing, she turned and threw herself into the chair. She went straight through it, landing on the floor on her arse and, true to form, flashing her knickers.
“This is going to take some getting used to,” she said, struggling to get back on her feet.
Agnes was Lauren’s long dead ancestor from the seventeenth century. She had come to protect Lauren from three witch finders who wanted to tear her to pieces to end a curse. She had gone back to heaven almost a month ago when we’d defeated them. She’d also helped me to regain my powers and taught me what it meant to be a familiar. But that was another story.
“Lauren will be really happy to see you, she’s been worried,” I said, averting my eyes until Agnes had managed to right herself. She finally managed to position herself as though sitting in the chair and puffed with exertion, her glasses perched at an odd angle on her nose.
Just then, the thumping got louder and increased in pace. A piece of plaster fell from the ceiling, landing on Agnes’ head. She looked up and grinned.
�
��I think she’s a little busy now.”
“It won’t be long.” I looked up, nodding my head in time with the thumps. The banging increased in pace again then a groan… a bang… a groan… a bang… a sigh, then silence.
“See?”
I transported to the bedroom door and thumped on it three times.
“Party’s over, kids! We have a visitor!”
I re-materialised back in the living room to find Agnes now gone. Unconcerned, I walked in to the kitchen and, as I’d suspected, found her butt up, head buried in the fridge. She had a thing for food. And a big butt. I folded my arms, leaned against the bench and watched her.
“I see you lot still don’t bother stocking up,” she groaned, pulling herself upright and hanging on to a plate of cooked chicken. A look of concentration on her face, she managed to grab hold of the carcass and tear off a drumstick. Grinning in delight, she lifted it to her mouth and her jaws clamped down, clattering her teeth as they passed straight through the meat. She pulled it back and looked at it in consternation, trying again to take a bite. Finally, she threw it back on the plate and huffed, shoving the plate on to the bench in disgust. Her elevated skills really were gone.
“So how’s it going, being a familiar…you getting the hang of it yet?” She turned and gingerly took a seat at the table.
“What’s to know? Protect your witch from all threats, do their bidding and don’t mix the coloureds with the whites… piece of cake.” I slumped down into the chair opposite her.
“The worst thing I have to protect her from these days is Geordie when he tries to cop a feel. I am so bored!” I slouched forward on the table and rested my face on my hands.
Agnes looked at me with understanding. “I suppose there’s not much for you to do around here, now she’s got Daniel.”
“She spends most of her time here with him, and that’s fine, I’m happy for them, really, in a stick your fingers down your throat kind of way. But I need to do something or I’ll go stir crazy.”
“You need to get a life, missy.”
I arched an eyebrow at her.
“Figuratively speaking, of course,” she continued. “What about going out and getting yourself a job; making friends of your own?”
“Ha, what skills have I got that an employer would want? On second thoughts, I’d make a great receptionist! ‘Good morning, you have reached the offices of Shithead and Fathead, what the fuck can I do for you today?’”
Agnes chuckled. “You have lots of talents, Natalia, you’ll figure it out!”
I thought about what she’d said. Maybe I could do something during the day; it wasn’t like Lauren needed me much lately.
At that moment, Daniel walked in to the kitchen wearing jeans and a t-shirt and drying his hair on a towel. “Natalia what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at Lauren’s!”
He looked up at me then did a double take and looked at Agnes, a slow smile spreading across his face.
“Agnes! Welcome back, we’ve missed you,” he said, walking across the kitchen and bending down to give her a hug. His arms passed straight through her. I rolled my eyes.
“Nice to see you too, fuck-wit,” replied Agnes, embarrassed by her lack of form. “Where’s the little woman?”
“I’m here,” Lauren threw herself across the room and launched herself at Agnes, tears of joy in her eyes. She was such a softie, it was embarrassing at times.
Agnes jumped up and held her hands out, trying to warn Lauren off but she was too late. Lauren would have ended up arse over tit if Daniel hadn’t reached across and seized her by the waist, pulling her in to him.
Lauren looked up at him, shocked.
“She’s not corporeal anymore,” Daniel explained, dropping her gently to the floor.
“I thought I’d never see you again!” Lauren turned excitedly to Agnes.
“Go on with you, you know I would never leave you for long!” Agnes responded.
She clearly didn’t know what to do with her hands. I could tell she was dying to hug Lauren and I felt an unfamiliar pull of sympathy. I shrugged it off. I was getting soft myself in my old age.
“Did it work?” Lauren asked, taking a seat at the table.
Agnes’ eyes shone as she slowly took her seat, concentrating hard not to fall on the floor.
“Yes, it worked. Matthew’s free of purgatory and has a place in heaven. He has to serve, though, and he’s training to become a guardian angel. He got a merit award for navigation skills yesterday.” Agnes beamed proudly.
“Can we meet him?” Lauren pushed forward in her chair as Daniel walked over to the kettle to make coffee.
“He’s training right now but how about I bring him later on tonight?” Agnes smiled.
“Let’s make it a party,” Lauren said. “I’ll ring Selina and Beth and we’ll get everyone round!”
I looked across at Daniel and saw him grimace. Things were still not right between him and his sister, Felicity. She’d interrupted a protection spell, trying to hurt Lauren, and it had almost resulted in Daniel’s death. Geordie, Selina's familiar, had saved his life; the little fucker was good for something. Neither Daniel nor Lauren had fully forgiven Felicity yet and I didn’t think I ever would. Funny, how wrong you can be about people.
Lauren had been a hive of activity all morning, cleaning Daniel’s house until it shone in readiness for the party. She’d spent the last three hours in the bathroom getting herself ready, much to Daniel’s annoyance. It didn’t really bother me because all I had to do was click my fingers and hey presto, instant shower and change of clothes. I could even do my makeup and hair, if I wanted to, although for some reason I did like to beautify the old fashioned way.
I sat on the sofa, going back through Vogue and changing my outfits until I found one I liked. Not surprisingly, it was back to black leather trousers and top. I focused on the top and made it less low cut at the front. It was best to cover up if Geordie was coming.
I heard Lauren clunking down the stairs just as the doorbell rang and I stood up and made my way to the door. Lauren had got there before me and opened it to see Selina smiling up at us with her bag over her shoulder and a large box of food in her arms. I took the box from her and Lauren ped in for a hug.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Lauren asked her.
“Same old, same old,” Selina smiled. “How’s your day been?”
“Fine except lazy arse here wouldn’t help with the cleaning up.” Lauren eyeballed me. I stuck my tongue out and she laughed. The truth of it was, she wouldn’t let me help, apparently I am as ‘much use as a man’ when it came to cleaning. I didn’t know whether to be proud or angry.
“It’s nice to see you, short arse.” I smiled at Selina.
I walked into the kitchen and dumped the box on the bench as the girls followed me in. I hadn’t seen Selina for a week now and was a little shocked to find I’d actually missed her. Being around humans was really starting to rub off on me.
Muffled cursing came from Selina’s bag and I groaned. My nemesis was here. In his creature form, Geordie was a spider and in human form he wasn’t much bigger; six inches tall and every one of them trouble. He was Selina’s familiar and, as such, I wasn’t allowed to do him harm. Shame. Still, he had turned out to be good for a laugh. Take the time we put a spider on the table next to his seat then he shouted Selina in while we made ourselves invisible. She’d spent ten minutes talking to the spider before picking it up and then Geordie had rematerialized on the bench in front of her. To say she screamed just didn’t do it justice. I think every window in a ten mile radius shattered.
Selina placed her bag on the table as Lauren went to make drinks.
“I can’t wait to see Agnes. It feels like ages since we’ve seen her!” Selina opened the bag and lifted Geordie out on to the table.
“For fuck’s sake man, we’ve got te sort oot the travel arrangements, am not being bashed aboot in ya bag every time we’ve got te gan somewhere.” Geordie dusted him
self off and sat on the thimble that now lived on the kitchen table, just for him. He crossed his arms and glared angrily at Selina.
“Stop moaning and learn how to cloak yourself, then you won’t need to!” Selina admonished him as she took off her coat.
I leaned up against the bench and folded my arms as he looked over at me and winked lasciviously, standing up and grabbing his man bits then shaking his arse. I growled at him and he sat back down in a huff. Lauren handed me a glass and flicked my finger as she did so, glaring at me in a silent message to behave myself.
Daniel came in and hugged Selina, ruffling her hair like she was five. I rolled my eyes.
“I’ve got something for you, Geordie.” Daniel turned to the cupboard and pulled out a miniature armchair and table, putting them down in front of our little…friend.
Geordie’s face lit up as Lauren and Selina looked on proudly.
“We found them in a second hand toy store, try them out for size,” Daniel prodded.
Geordie stood up and patted his portly stomach. “Awe man, ye shouldn’t have!”
He lowered himself into the chair tentatively, testing his weight then relaxed into it, smiling.
“Ye’re a fine man, Daniel Hunter, if a say so mesel. Ah just wish tappy lappy here wud get asel a nice bloke like you and leave me alen. Ah pen’t think anyone wi sense wud have a though, she’s a proper fish wife!” he frowned again at Selina. Selina stuck her tongue out at him and busied herself tidying away the dishes on the drainer, a wistful expression on her face that didn’t escape me.
“How’s the exercise regime going?” Lauren asked, smiling. She and Selina had decided to do something about Geordie’s weight. He wasn’t impressed.
“He’s doing fine, now that I’ve padlocked the fridge.” Selina smirked as she took a seat at the table, accepting the drink Lauren passed to her.
