by Anne Ashby
Too ashamed to look at him, she kicked at the sand again. Her eyes focused across the sea onto the horizon. She felt his huge intake of breath.
“You did show your real character, Shal. It just wasn’t what I expected.” She gave a nervous, humourless laugh.
“Wasn’t it?”
Stopping short, Jodie forced her eyes up to meet his. “You scare me, Shal.”
“What?” his voice squeaked. “Why on earth...? What have I done?”
“You’re a t—”
Jodie’s words died as he grabbed her shoulders and thrust his face close to hers. “Don’t you dare tell me it’s because I’m a townie.”
Jodie shivered, as he made no effort to hide the anger now blazing from his eyes. Her heart plunged.
“We’re not going on like this, Jodie.” He gave her a little shake. “You’re going to explain to me what the hell you mean by that, and you’re going to start right now.”
Jodie’s back straightened and her head shot up. Her attempt at restoring some level of control seemed lost on him. His smouldering eyes never left her face.
She chewed her bottom lip. How can I explain so it makes sense when I don’t understand myself?
“Now, Jodie.”
She found an odd sense of comfort as she watched the knotted muscles moving along his jaw line. Absently she realised she didn’t care who exerted control between them. His anger showed he cared.
I guess I have to stop hiding. Jodie sucked in a deep breath and asked, “Can we walk? It would be easier if I don’t have to look at you.”
“This is all wrapped up in that other guy, right? The one you took to the Sanctuary?”
She nodded as her brain desperately searched. As they resumed walking, Jodie opened her mouth—but nothing emerged. Figuring how to begin was beyond her. Somehow she now had to find the courage to bare her soul. Shal really deserved an explanation.
His impatience broke the lengthening silence. “Look Jodie, I love you. I love being with you.” His fingers tightened on the hand he held. “I enjoy myself when we’re together. You’re different from anyone I’ve ever dated.”
He sounds so sincere but dare I believe him?
“I’m not placating you, Jodie. You’re exciting, exhilarating... When I’m with you I feel alive.”
His finger running down her cheek sent conflicting emotions churning inside. Tenderness, joy, and heat—burning all-consuming heat—she could no longer label as lust.
Her eyes were drawn to the little smile hovering around his lips. “I love that you’re so spontaneous, so unpredictable.”
He leant over and brushed his lips against hers as he spoke. She licked her lips to capture his taste. He kissed the tip of her nose. “I figure my life with you is never going to be boring.
“I’ve tried boring...been there for years. It’s monotonous and uninspiring. Not like you, at all.” His arm slipped around her shoulders and he covered her lips with his.
She couldn’t resist his tenderness. She moulded her lips to his in a trembling response. “You really mean that?” She hated that her voice broke.
He nodded.
“Jason hated spontaneity,” she whispered, staring out to sea. “At first, I never realised.
“I was so besotted with him, I just accepted everything he did or said.” Her voice gathered strength as she talked.
“We talked about getting married. I was so happy.” She grimaced across at him.
“What an idiot. He was so involved with himself and who he was. He decided it was time to get married, and I was to be the lucky girl.” She heard the self-disgust echoing in her disparaging laugh.
“I took him home. He was perfect, so nice and polite to my parents. But I don’t think they liked him very much. I think Dad saw through him in a minute, although he didn’t say as much. He just warned me to take my time and not rush into anything.”
Shal remained silent as they continued walking along the edge of the waves, his arm holding her snug against him.
“Perhaps something was warning me...I don’t know...but I took him to the Sanctuary. I’d told him all about the place, you see, even suggested we could honeymoon there, but he’d never listened.”
“He didn’t like it?” Shal turned a shocked face toward her.
Another hard, introspective laugh escaped before she continued. “It wasn’t what he was used to. They hadn’t put in the septic tank at that stage.” Her laugh was a little lighter this time. “He was used to room service and much more luxury than the Sanctuary could provide.”
“What a prize idiot.”
Jodie felt a faint smile twitching at the edges of her mouth. “Actually, now I think about it, it was quite funny.
“He wasn’t impressed at all when I showed him the long drop, or told him the lake was the bathroom.” Tension began to flow away as her memories lightened.
Her smile grew. “Of course, it was the middle of a particularly cold winter.” She chuckled, then sobered. “His true personality—or lack of it—showed through pretty soon.
“I very quickly lost the blinkers I’d been wearing since I met him. I saw the real man—remembered things... How he always hogged the conversation, how we never did anything I wanted, how he made decisions without even consulting me.”
She shook her head. “When we got back to Auckland, he told me we should put that awful place behind us and forget it even existed. He was so far up himself he didn’t even realise how devastated I was.
“He’d smashed all my illusions to smithereens. Back in town he turned back into the suave, debonair man I’d always assumed he was, ready to continue with our plans to marry. Hah! Fat chance.”
“Why are you still so screwed up after all this time? You’re better off without him. He’d never have made you happy.”
“Oh, I know that. It took me a while to see it, but I figured it out.”
Shal was frowning. “Then I don’t understand.”
“Jason was just one of a long line of people who disappointed me.”
“And let me guess; they were all townies?”
She understood his confusion. She’d always known her attitude was juvenile, but she’d clung to it for her own peace of mind.
“I guess you could say I lost confidence in my ability to judge people. It was safer not to expect anything from townies. I thought I knew Jason, but he changed in the bush. It was like he was another man.”
She dared to look at Shal. “I was afraid you’d change too, be different.”
“But you’ve already seen me in the bush.”
She studied him, her head on one side. “Yeah, but the same situation applies. You are different here.” She waved an arm. When a growl rose from his throat, she tacked on, “Not that you’re anything like Jason.”
“You didn’t mind being in the bush, did you?”
He shook his head.
“I never expected you had a sense of humour.” More tension was released as she felt her burden lifting. Her smile started with a small twitch then continued to grow. “In the beginning, you were so arrogant and bossy.”
“Me? Bossy? Speak for yourself, lady. You were the one who had to have it all your own way.” The smile he bounced back at her gave her a warm fuzzy feeling right down to her toes.
He does seem to understand my uncertainty. But will he have the patience to allow me to work through my doubts? Do I want him to? She stopped and turned to him, needing to know something before she could begin to hope.
Jodie shoved her trembling hands into the pockets of her shorts. Can he understand and accept my commitment to the bush?
“Did you really like tramping?” She tried to make her voice light, almost flippant.
His sharp look suggested Shal knew how important his answer was. “That was the first time I’d done any overnight tramping. But yes, I enjoyed it.
“I’ll admit I’d rather have a comfortable bed than sleep on the ground. I felt very ignorant—not something that sits we
ll with me—but I’m looking forward to you correcting that.”
He smiled across at her. “Personally, I think the Sanctuary would be the most amazing place for a honeymoon. Even in winter.”
Jodie felt Shal’s arm tighten around her as her body went limp. Warmth bubbled up inside her as they smiled in complete accord.
Her head rose and her back straightened. “You know, you’re right. Jason was an idiot.” She chuckled.
“I’ll never forget his face, I don’t think he’d ever seen a long drop before, let alone used one.” She laughed. “There were plenty of creepy crawlies about.”
Jodie felt her mouth drop open and her eyes boggle. “I’m laughing about Jason. I don’t believe it. I can laugh about it!”
Her fingernails dug into Shal’s arm as she clutched it. “I’ve always blocked out those memories, never talked about them.”
Shal watched her in silence.
“He can’t hurt me anymore, can he?” She gasped as she realised the long harboured pain wasn’t there anymore.
She looked into Shal’s eyes, her heart pounding. “Don’t you see? You’ve exorcised him.” Shal almost tripped as she threw herself at him, clasping her arms and legs around him, hugging him so tightly the breath was knocked out of both of them.
When they untangled themselves, Jodie felt a rush of embarrassment. Shal’s sweet smile and the huskiness in his voice as he suggested they walk back to the car and get their picnic reassured her he wouldn’t push her any further than she felt ready to go.
“I’m really sorry about this morning,” she muttered, as they strode back. “I can’t believe I did something so bitchy.”
“If it helped to re-categorise me as something other than a townie—” Shal’s voice deepened as he uttered the word, “—then it was worth it.”
Chapter Fifteen
It was as if a truce had been called. An unsatisfactory truce to Shal’s mind, but one he forced himself to endure. No more words of love or commitment that might scare her off passed his lips. Her objections to his company seemed to have waned. While she continued accepting his invitations, he had hope.
The meetings were casual and platonic—and would continue to be so, he pledged—until she opened up. Even if it was hell to say goodnight at her door, he couldn’t allow her to second guess his intentions.
Knowing about her former lover hadn’t eased Shal’s frustration, as he’d expected. He sensed something else still bothered her, but so far casual questions hadn’t revealed anything more.
He forced himself to be patient, getting an optimistic kick out of her growing responses to his farewell kisses each time he departed.
Each meeting—he daren’t call them dates, even in his own mind—was a new experience. Jodie wasn’t the cautious, authoritative leader she’d been in the bush. He was discovering someone quite different, often artless and spontaneous almost to the point of recklessness.
She made him laugh. He discovered he loved this Jodie even more than the Jodie he’d met in the bush.
Trying to keep her off balance was getting more difficult as he was running out of ideas. No matter what sort of outing he suggested, she was up to the challenge.
He’d decided to change tack away from the fun, sporty pursuits, and wondered how she’d respond to tonight’s treat. After the opera he intended telling her he’d be too busy to see her for a week or so.
He sucked in a deep breath hoping—no, praying—she might miss him.
****
When Shal told her he had some heavy business commitments this week Jodie leapt at the chance to catch up on the extra training time she needed before entering the Mt. Ashford mountain race in a few weeks. Now as she looked about her spotless lounge, Jodie chewed her lip. Ensuring her workouts were completed by mid-morning both yesterday and today, she’d kept the weekend free. For what?
She stomped into the kitchen and grabbed a drink from the fridge. She hadn’t expected his work commitments to carry over into the weekend. Flinging herself onto the sofa, Jodie sighed.
She acknowledged that she missed seeing him, sparring with him. He was good company and they had lots of laughs together.
This week had been flat. The weekend...the weekend was dead boring. She wished he’d phone. She missed him...missed having him tease her...missed loving him. She leapt up from the sofa when this observation flashed through her. Feeling her eyes boggle, she wrestled with its impact.
Her breath caught in her throat as her heart began to pound. Was the suddenness of this revelation the sign she’d been looking for? Some certainty to guide her down the pathway she was so terrified of travelling? She shivered.
Was she brave enough to share all her fears and anxieties with him? Could he soothe her battered spirit and smooth away all her worries? Or would he add to her disillusionment?
There’s no way to predict the future, Jodie argued as she paced around her small lounge. Do I want to live the rest of my life the way I am now? She stopped in mid-pace as that thought hit her.
My life might be pleasant, but it’s so predictable. There are no highs or lows, no exhilaration or intense anger, no agony or ecstasy. No emotion at all.
She dropped onto the sofa as her mind raced back over recent years. Something cracked, and memories flowed. The insight that she’d taken a perverse pleasure in ignoring any emotion was shocking to her.
Shal had changed that. Try as she might she hadn’t been able to label and box him away into one of the little corners of her mind. He’d been too powerful, too evocative to ignore.
Perhaps I should call him? No, no way.
But what if he never calls? Here was a chance for her to become whole again, to experience the wonder of really living. It was worth the risk. All she needed to do was make one little phone call, and then she’d know.
Unearthing her cell phone, the doubts returned. What if he didn’t want to talk to her?
Stupid, the little voice in her head argued. He had still texted her a couple of times during the week. Perhaps he hasn’t called or invited me out because he’s sick?
She gasped as her agitated brain slipped into overdrive. He might have had an accident. His family wouldn’t know to call me. He could be lying in hospital unconscious, or worse. He could be...
Jodie punched the number, her hands shaking. She almost lost her nerve as she waited, but drew a deep breath and forbade herself to give in. Make sure he’s all right, then hang up, she decided.
Dismay stole her words when a woman answered. Her fingers tightened as she listened to gales of female laughter. When she heard Shal’s voice in the distance, she disconnected and let the phone drop onto the seat beside her.
So much for worrying about him, I needn’t have wasted any time even thinking about him. There’s nothing wrong with Shal. He’s enjoying himself quite well without me.
She hugged the heaviness building up in her chest. Holding her tears at bay, until the effort became too great, she slumped down and let them escape.
She must have slept because the doorbell was ringing, then ringing again. Soon the noise became continuous, not a sound she could ignore for long.
“What do you want?” she knew who it was even before she jerked open the door.
“You rang, my love.”
“No, I didn’t.” She tried to close the door on him when he laughed. He squeezed inside and shut it behind him.
She turned her back on him and prayed her eyes weren’t all red and swollen, wishing she’d checked.
“You have to trust me, Jodie. To believe I won’t hurt you, ever.” He grasped her shoulders and held her against him. She tried to stiffen her back, to edge away, but he wouldn’t let her.
“Trust, Jodie—and believe.” His lips were so close to her ear she could feel his breath.
She shuddered, longing to do as he said, but was too afraid.
He turned her, his eyes clouding with concern before his lips gently kissed each swollen eyelid. “Leila and Georgia are
having a barbecue at my parents’ place; they cornered me to do the cooking.”
“Oh.” Her hands tried to hide her blazing cheeks. Now she really felt stupid.
“I wanted to give you some space this week.” He smiled, and a finger traced the edge of her cheek. His lips followed the movement, roaming across her face, their touch causing a shiver of pleasure to travel the length of her body.
Their bodies drew closer with her breasts touching the hard wall of his chest. His lips seared a path down the side of her neck.
“I’ve been trying,” he muttered against her skin. “I don’t want to rush you.” His words were spaced between kisses. “I know you have issues, I’m here to help you through them when you feel able to talk, but the waiting is killing me.” His last words were smothered against her lips, before he devoured them in a deep kiss that set her body afire.
When the trembling in her legs caused a tightening of her grip on his shoulders, his tongue lashed out to explore inside her mouth. She felt her head spinning. Everything but Shal and the feelings he was evoking fled from her mind. Her fingers slipped inside his collar and slid across his warm skin until she found the top button of his shirt and undid it.
His breath was warm and moist against her face as he pulled his lips away.
“I never meant this to happen—not yet.”
She shivered right down to her toes as his teeth nipped at her earlobe. Her fingers worked feverously to expose the bare skin of his chest to her own roaming lips.
“We don’t have to...I never expected...” his words were slurred as he mumbled them against her neck.
It wasn’t a conscious decision on her part, but the edge of her bed was behind her knees and she knew she’d been shuffling him into her bedroom all the time they’d been kissing and touching.
Shal seemed to realise where they were the same time as she did. He clasped her shoulders and held her a little away from himself. Jodie refused to look into his eyes, concentrating on trying to unfasten the belt buckle at his waist.
“Jodie?” One hand cupped her face and forced it up. “Look at me, Jodie, and tell me this is what you want.”
