The realisation this baby had to have been Jonny’s, suffocates me. Shawn must be completely in shock to find out I was pregnant. What must he be thinking? I desperately need to see Shawn!
“Does Shawn know, Lydia?” She gravely looks down at me as she takes my hand, holding it tight. Tears form, once again, beneath her bare and naked lashes. She looks tired and worn out, beside herself with worry.
“A lot has happened, Jessica. You collapsed at your home and were taken by ambulance. Shawn rang me from the hospital. He was in a right old state, as no one yet knew what was wrong with you. I must have arrived here about half an hour later. I was with Shawn when one of the doctors told us they suspected an ectopic pregnancy and a ruptured fallopian tube.”
I blink hard, not allowing myself to cry. “What did Shawn say?”
“Nothing at first, he was in shock. He didn’t understand. I think he must have realised though, as he just walked off. When he came back, he told me the baby was definitely not his as he’d had a vasectomy years ago.”
“Then what?” I look at Lydia with desperation.
“He told me to stay with you and I haven’t seen him since.”
“What about the girls?” I ask.
Lydia shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know. I figured I’d wait for you to wake up before doing anything.”
“So, what has happened to me? What happened to the baby?”
Lydia’s face drops sadly. “I’ll go and get a doctor who can explain everything, darling.” She nervously stands up.
“Will you call Shawn, see how he is doing?”
“I will, darling, but I think he’s going to be needing some time. But I’ll ask about the girls for you.”
“Thanks, Lydia.” Her face is pale and anguished, as she looks deep into my eyes.
“Darling, you need to know something else. I . . . um . . . I have called Jonny Riley.”
I try to lift my head off the pillow. “Pardon?” I ask wearily. It hurts too much. I’m too frail. Shit! This can’t be happening! I’m too terrified to hear the rest of the events following my collapse.
Lydia leans over me, her drawn face twisted with worry. “Darling, you nearly died! Shawn had left me to it. I honestly thought you were going to die! After the doctor told us what was wrong with you and with Shawn just disappearing, I called Jonny from your phone. Knowing what I know about him, I thought he should know. He would have wanted to know, Jessica. If you hadn’t have made it, I never would have forgiven myself for not contacting him. I know you probably hate me, but I thought I was doing the right thing.” Her chest heaves with panicked breaths.
I reach for her, offering some comfort. “It’s okay, Lydia. It’s too late now for me to be angry, what’s done is done. My life is over now anyway. I am screwed whichever way you look at it.” I turn my head away.
She grabs my hands. “Don’t say that, darling. You have been given a second chance.”
“What, a second chance to fuck things up some more?”
“Please don’t talk that way, Jessica, you nearly died.”
“What did Jonny say, Lydia?” I ask, looking deep into her exhausted eyes.
“He was frantic, darling. He was in a meeting at the time, but he asked which hospital you were in and to keep him updated. I need to call him actually. He will want to know that you’re awake.” I grab her arm with my heavily dripped hand.
He can’t come here Lydia. It would be too risky, too public. Too many questions would be asked. Tell him not to come, please Lydia?” Fear rises in my stomach. I can’t seem to process what is happening. My husband has just realised I have been having an affair. My girls will now hate me. I have discovered I was pregnant and nearly died. Now Lydia tells me that she’s contacted Jonny. There are just too many things to think about all at once. One minute I am at home, the next, I am in the hospital. My life has completely fallen apart within hours. Part of me wishes I had died, as I don’t have the strength to even want to try and sort things out. The tiredness overwhelms me. I struggle to stay awake long enough to process the wreck which is now my life, but my exhaustion offers me a merciful reprieve in the form of sleep.
I am slowly waking up, but before my eyes dare to open, I hear Lydia talking to someone.
“Shawn, at least let the girls come and see their mother . . . that’s not fair . . . I know you’re hurting . . . I can’t begin to imagine . . . but she nearly died . . . if the girls want to, you should let them . . . I’m sorry too.” Lydia lets out a distressed sigh, running her perplexed fingers through her dishevelled dark hair. She turns around, noticing I am awake.
I look into her despairing eyes. “Shawn?”
Lydia nods. “I’m sorry, my darling. I can’t get him to see sense.” So it wasn’t all a dream then? My life is officially, well and truly fucking over! My thoughts relentlessly scream at me while Lydia continues. “So while you are back with us, I’ll fetch the doctor so he can talk to you. He came by earlier to check on you, but you were still sleeping. I’ll be back in a mo.”
I grab her lithe arm. “Lydia, will Shawn be okay?” She shakes her head forlornly, walking away without a word. Tears begin to fill my eyes. What a stupid fucking question. Of course, your husband isn’t all right! He now knows what a cheating, cruel and wicked person you really are!
Every time I wake up, it seems to go from bad to worse. Karma saved the best ’til last for me. In fact, she’s having a fucking field day over this.
A tall, thin doctor with grey receding hair strolls back in with a jaded looking, Lydia following behind. He stands close beside my bed and when he smiles, the deep creases around his eyes and mouth deepen further.
“Afternoon Mrs. Neel. I am Doctor Williamson, are you feeling better? Are you suffering with any pain?”
I wearily shake my head. “I’m just feeling a bit tender and groggy.”
He nods with an understanding smile, then his mature face changes to a grave expression. “Mrs. Neel, your situation was very serious. We had to perform an emergency operation called a Laparotomy, as your right fallopian tube had ruptured, causing you to have internal bleeding. You had an eight-week-old foetus growing in your tube. Unfortunately, your situation was life threatening and we had to remove the damaged tube. You understand the foetus was not viable, and that too, had to be removed?”
I am nodding, yet the words are not quite sinking in. I feel numb, confused and frightened. Viable? Removed?
“Although your incision in your abdomen looks large now, it will fade over time. We must ensure it is taken care of to reduce the risk of infection. I will send the nurse in to do all your obs and to remove your catheter. I’m going to keep you on a drip for the time being but I would like you to try and get a little mobile to reduce the risk of a blood clot. Any questions, Mrs. Neel?”
“How long will I have to stay here?”
“It depends on the individual, but it’s usually between two to seven days. The main thing is to try and get a little mobile but to not overdo it.”
“I feel like I’ve been run over by a bus.”
“You are having intravenous painkillers to keep you comfortable. As soon as you can eat and drink we will give you tablets to take. You should start feeling more comfortable soon. If, however, you begin to feel worse you must tell a nurse. I will come to check on you later though.” He warmly smiles, gently patting my arm.
“Thank you doctor . . . for everything.”
“My pleasure.” As the doctor walks out, Lydia sits by my side.
“Do you understand what has happened, my darling?”
I look down at my hands. “I think so? I can’t take this all in, Lydia. It’s like I am in some awful nightmare.”
“I know what you mean, darling. I think I’ve aged about ten years since I’ve been here. I have been so scared.” She gently rests her hand on mine.
I look into her sad eyes, smiling gratefully. My dearest friend, who has never left my side. Who has never judged me, sits beside me;
carrying some of the burden of my disintegrated life.
“Thank you, Lydia. For staying with me, for trying to hold things together for me . . . for loving me, no matter what.”
She weakly smiles. “You certainly owe me big time, Jessica Neel. No amount of Valium is going to help me get over the shock of seeing you nearly die.” She stifles her giggle. I wince in pain as my attempt to laugh ricochets through my sore body. Lydia has somehow managed to lift my spirits regardless. God, I love her for that!
I think about all that has happened. Reality is certainly not going to be a friend of mine for quite some time yet to come. I am terrified of what is around my corner. Will the girls ever want to see me again? After all, I’ve destroyed our family, haven’t I? I am scared of everything. I’m scared to face Shawn. I’m scared to face Jonny. I’m scared about every God damn thing in my life. What if Jonny hates me for dragging him into all of this mess? For ever getting involved with him? For getting stupidly pregnant? I rest my hand on my stomach; thinking of the baby who was once happily growing inside of me, only not in the right place. I’m not even sure how I am supposed to feel about it. I certainly feel a loss, but I’ve had that feeling for such a long time anyway that it’s hard to distinguish between anything I feel these days.
Can you grieve for an 8-week-old foetus? Karma, the bitch, flashes a vision of a child into my mind. I can’t see if it’s a little boy or a little girl, but it was our child. Jonny’s and mine! Only, our baby has gone, too. My chest begins to ache at the thought. Our baby, who has been taken because I couldn’t even get carrying a fucking child right. I fuck everything up. In fact, I’ve probably done the little one a favour. What child would want me for a mother? I’ve lost everything and everyone and I deserve it. This is my punishment for all the lies, hurt and trouble I have caused.
A single tear represents all that I have lost. “Everything has gone, Lydia.” I cry out.
Those few words make way for all of the suppressed feelings and thoughts I have been carrying around for months. The daily heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach, the weight on my shoulders which constantly dragged me down, the self-loathing, the consuming guilt which has kept me awake each and every night because I’ve been such a complete and utter selfish bitch. I carried all of it because the only thing that got me through it all, was Jonny. He is probably on his way right now to tell me how much he hates me for putting him through all of this, putting us all through this!
My body starts to shake uncontrollably as it succumbs to the devastating sadness. What have I done? I don’t want to be here! It all hurts too fucking much!
“Let it all out, Jessica, that’s my girl.” In Lydia’s arms my howling tears fall like they’ll never stop. My wretched, broken body weeps for every hope and dream I have destroyed. I let the tears fall freely because this is my rock bottom. I see no way out for me. My tears are now the only things I have which are true and belong to me. I let them fall because they are all I have left in this shitty world.
Lydia tried again to talk to Shawn since her last attempt at a conversation with him, but he’s not answering any of her calls now. If I manage to summon up the courage, I may try to talk to him tomorrow. To say what exactly? I really don’t know. Sorry won’t save your ass this time, Jessica!
“I think I will try to contact him tomorrow, Lydia, if only to try to speak to the girls,” I tell her.
“Good, you need to rest at the moment, darling. The situation is shit anyway, it’s not going to miraculously get better overnight.” Lydia busily tucks me into my hospital bed. After noticing I have goose bumps all up my arms; she’s now doing her best Florence Nightingale. Who would have thought Lydia Mason would be so capable of nursing type duties?
I am seeing a side to Lydia I have never seen before, a more compassionate, selfless and thoughtful side. I’m liking this side of her.
“I really appreciate you being here with me, Lydia.”
“Well, someone has to keep you out of mischief, don’t they?” She strokes my cheek with her manicured nail. We clutch onto our brief chuckle because we both know I have little else to smile about.
“I don’t know how I’m going to face Shawn or even what to say to him.” I say.
“I think Shawn is hurting too much to care right now, Jessica.”
“Do you think he’ll ever forgive me, Lydia?”
“In time, maybe?” Her expression tells me what I already know. Hell will freeze over first! Just as I am about to wallow some more in self-pity I hear voices, voices I recognise immediately. My girls!
I hear my girls coming down the corridor. I can’t believe it; my babies are here! I try to sit up a little more, so I look less incapacitated than I actually am, but I’m struggling to move. Lydia puts her arm around my back. “Let me help you before you do more harm than good.”
“Mum . . . Mum!” Both my darling girls rush up to me. Their beautiful, innocent faces beam from ear-to-ear as they over-zealously embrace me.
“Ow . . . ow . . . easy, girls. Oh, it’s so good to see you both.” I pull their faces into me so I can kiss their beautiful cheeks.
“Your mum has had an operation, girls. Don’t squeeze too tight, okay?” Lydia strokes both the girls on their backs. She’s elated that they’re here too. “I think I’ll leave you ladies alone for a bit.” She warmly smiles, stroking my hand before quietly leaving the room.
“What’s happened, Mum? Dad is really upset, but won’t tell us why,” Lottie asks, her voice quivering with fright. She looks at me with her loving, yet relieved, blue eyes.
“We were so scared Mum, I thought you died when you collapsed at home.” Lissy’s tear filled eyes are also a combination of unease and relief. She grabs hold of my hand, now too afraid to let me go.
“I’m okay, that’s all that matters. Is your dad here? Who brought you to the hospital?”
“Nan brought us. What is going on, Mum? There’s something wrong with Dad, but no one is telling us anything.” Lissy searches my face. What words can I say without shattering her world?
“Where is your nan, Lissy?” I ask.
“Outside, she says she will come and see you in a bit,” Lissy says. I nervously smile. Great, that’s all I bloody need. The wrath of the mother-in-law!
“Girls, I need to talk to you about something, but before I do, you need to understand your dad and I love you both very, very much.” They nod in unison, hanging off my every word.
Be strong Jessica! Tell the truth. Part of me wants to lie to them. I wish I could keep them forever inside their protected, safe and ignorant bubbles, but lying to them now is something I cannot bring myself to do. As their mother, I need to be the one to explain to them what has happened. It would break my heart if they heard it from someone else in a less than diplomatic manner. Even though I hate having to tell them at all, they deserve to know. I just pray they don’t hate me.
I’m on the cusp of doing it, but panic. How the hell do you tell your fourteen and twelve-year-old daughters you have been having an affair? What words can you use to lessen their hurt? I know the girls are not completely naive to matters of the heart, but I still have to try and approach this as sensitively as possible. I pause, taking a deep breath before I do one of the hardest things I’ll ever have to do.
“I’m not going to lie to you and I know it’s going to be hard for you to understand, but I have to tell you the truth. I have done something terribly wrong and that is why your dad is so upset.” I stop, just to take a deep brave breath before continuing. “I met another man and we cared about each other very much.” That’s it. The truth has left my lips.
Both of my beautiful girls just stare back at me, blinking, trying to digest what I have just said.
“So, you don’t love Dad anymore?” Lottie asks. I take her hand into mine, glancing over at a frightened faced Lissy.
“I do Lottie, but I also love this other man. I know that’s confusing for you to understand right now, but it’s the truth. Sometim
es things happen which you don’t understand or cannot control. I never intended for this to happen and I’m deeply sorry for upsetting you and your dad. If you give me a chance to make it better, that is what I’ll try to do.”
I look at a quiet and brooding Lissy. Her aloofness scares me. I try to get eye contact with her, but she fiddles with the zip on her hoodie while keeping her head down. “Lissy Love, are you okay?”
She doesn’t look at me; instead she chooses to look into the air. “One of the girls in my class has parents who are getting divorced; they hate each other now. They argue all the time and the house she grew up in has to be sold. I listen to her while she’s telling all her friends about it at lunchtime. I watch as her best mates all cuddle her when she breaks down and cries. I always think to myself how lucky I am to have you and Dad. But because of you, I’m going to be just like her now, aren’t I? We are all going to be unhappy because of you.” Her voice is shaky; her hands tremble. She can’t bring herself to look at me. It’s breaking my heart to see my beautiful, sensitive girl so tormented.
“Lissy, listen to me, Sweetheart. Yes, things are going to be hard. Yes, it’s down to me, but I love you and I promise you I will do everything I can to make you both happy again.” She pushes me away as I reach for her hand.
“How can you make us both happy after what you’ve done? You don’t love Daddy and you don’t love us! You’ve ruined everything. I hate you!” Lissy runs out of the room. I am hurting but this time not because of the surgery, I hurt for the pain I am causing my girls. Oh, God, what have I done? I search Lottie’s tear stained face.
A Famous Affair Page 18
