A heavy weight pressed into Esther’s chest, and she couldn’t pull any air into her lungs. “You’re right. I don’t want to hear that.”
Nanna squeezed tighter. “In the end, after all you can do, you might lose Winnie anyway. You can’t live like this. Whether you get to raise Winnie or you don’t, you can’t surrender your life to Ivy. The cost is too high.”
Rita pressed her fist to her chest. “She’s right, but it hurts my heart just thinking about it.”
Esther shook her head. It didn’t matter what Nanna said. If it was within her power to control, she couldn’t, wouldn’t lose Winnie. She clasped her fingers together to keep her hands from shaking. Nothing was in her power. Very little was in her control. She might burn the pancakes tomorrow and Ivy could take Winnie away. Ivy might leave as soon as the money ran out or before the money ran out. She could decide to take Winnie on a day when she was feeling especially spiteful or profoundly depressed. And Esther would live on the highs and lows of Ivy’s roller coaster for the rest of her life.
And what of Levi? Ach, how she loved him! Even if she held on to Winnie, hers would be half a life without Levi. He was every man she had ever wanted, would ever want. There would be no happiness if she didn’t have him.
There would be no happiness if she didn’t have herself.
In an effort to keep Winnie, she would lose herself, a small chunk every day until there was nothing left but the shell of a woman who used to be joyful and obstinate and temperamental, the woman who used to throw apricots at the house and destroy pickleball paddles and tile bathrooms and hold baby alligators for fun. She had a lot of faults, but they were her faults, her mistakes, the total of her life. And she could not give that up, even for Winnie.
What was she to do?
She didn’t notice the tear trickling down her cheek until it made the smallest plink as it splashed onto the table.
Rita leaned over, wrapped her arm around Esther’s shoulders, and made a clucking sound with her tongue. It was oddly comforting and motherly. “We must give God time to work His plan. The more we try to work it for Him, the more we fail. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding.”
Nanna nodded. “Gotte has a plan. We must trust in Him.”
Esther didn’t want to leave her life in the hands of a god who seemed to be messing things up badly. “If Gotte has a plan, it’s not working out so well. Or if His plan is to intentionally bring me heartache and misery, how can I have faith in such a god?”
“God wants only good things for you,” Rita said. “Only good things. And He wants only good things for Ivy. Though we don’t especially like her, God does not see Ivy as the enemy. He loves her just as much as He loves you.”
“But what if Ivy refuses to follow the plan?”
Rita looked up at the ceiling as if communicating with heaven. “God can make all things work together for the good of those people who love Him. He is a god of miracles.”
“So I just sit and wait for Gotte to work His plan?”
Nanna propped her chin in her elbow. “Gotte does His best work with someone who is already moving forward. The woman who sits and waits for Gotte to talk to her will be waiting a long time. Action is Gotte’s best tool.”
Mary Jane handed everybody a cup of kaffee.
Nanna took a sip and looked at Esther over the brim of her cup. “So, Esther, what do you think? Do you lose Winnie or lose yourself?”
The choice was agonizing. Of course it was, but with a clarity she hadn’t experienced for weeks, Esther knew what she had to do. It was as if the storm clouds parted, allowing the sunlight to fall on a dark land. She would trust in Gotte and have confidence in her own choices. “I’m not going to lose myself.” And she wasn’t going to lose Levi.
Allison twitched her lips wryly. “Ivy is going to toss her cookies.”
For the first time in weeks, Esther felt like she could breathe again, felt like being happy again. The laughter tripped from her lips. “Poor Ivy. She would be very indignant if she knew we were plotting against her.”
“Oh,” Allison said. “She’ll suffer enough indignation with Cathy. There won’t be much left to spare for us.”
Nanna smiled. “Indignation is my favorite look on Ivy. She so deserves it.”
Maybe Ivy deserved it. Maybe Ivy didn’t. But Esther knew one thing for sure and certain: Esther deserved better. And she wasn’t going to let Ivy hold her hostage anymore. And she would do everything in her power to hold on to her dignity, her happiness, and her love for Levi.
Mary Jane set Winnie’s box of arrowroot cookies on the table. “We need something sweet to ease our anxiety.”
“Mary Jane,” Nanna said, “these are for the baby.”
“There’s nothing else in the cupboards, and I love these. I buy them for the children and eat them all myself.”
Esther giggled and opened the box. “They’re Levi’s favorite too. He sneaks them when I’m not looking.”
Allison took a bite and made a face. “Not worth the calories.” She handed the rest of her cookie to Mary Jane. “You’ll have to finish it.”
“For sure and certain,” Mary Jane said and stuffed the whole thing in her mouth.
Nanna finished off her kaffee and gazed at Esther, her eyes full of sympathy. “I’m sorry life is so hard sometimes.”
“Me too.”
Nanna stood and put her cup in the sink. “Well, now. We have at least an hour before Ivy and Cathy show up. Lord willing, we’ll get three hours. Might as well make the most of the time. Let’s go in there and finish Esther’s ugly black quilt. Things will look up as soon as that’s out of her house.”
Chapter Fifteen
Esther knew what she had to do and she knew she was right in doing it, but her hands still shook, and beads of sweat trickled down the back of her neck. It was useless to try to quilt. Her stitches were so wide a buggy could have fit between them. She finally tied off her thread, stabbed it into the pincushion, and stood by the window watching for Cathy and Ivy.
Fortunately, Rita, Allison, Mary Jane, and Nanna had nearly finished the quilt. Esther closed her eyes and thanked Derr Herr for dear friends who knew how to quilt and would never dream of abandoning her in her time of greatest need.
“This really is a beautiful quilt,” Rita said, threading her needle with a shimmering gold thread.
Nanna grunted. “It’s too dark. It makes me feel nothing but gloomy.”
“But the thread is stunning,” Rita said. “The black brings out the beauty of the colors. Just like dark and hard times of our lives are what make the good times seem even more beautiful.”
“That’s true,” said Nanna, “but it’s not what I’d choose for my bed.”
Rita smiled. “Me neither.”
Esther’s heart did a somersault as Cathy’s car pulled in front of the house. “She’s here.”
Allison glanced at her watch. “Three hours and forty minutes. Cathy has gone above and beyond the call of duty today. I’ll have to buy her a gluten-free dinner.”
Nanna poked her needle into the quilt and stood up. “Do you need us to stay, Esther, to give you support?”
“Nae. I need to do this myself.”
Nanna nodded. “Good for you.”
Esther pulled the letter out of her pocket and handed it to Nanna. “Will you send this to Levi?”
Nanna gave Esther a swift hug. “Immediately. I’ll have Cathy drive me to the post office.”
Allison slung her purse over her shoulder. “She’s not going to be happy about more chauffeur duty.”
“Cathy is a good friend, and she cares very much about Esther. She’ll probably break the speed limit just to get me there before the four o’clock mail pickup.” Nanna retrieved her sewing bag and pinned Esther with a stern gaze. “Stay strong. You can do this.”
Esther squared her shoulders. “I can.” Even if it meant losing Winnie. Even if it meant her heart would never beat normally ag
ain.
Rita, Nanna, Mary Jane, and Allison strolled out the door as Ivy stormed across the front lawn with her flip-flops looped around her fingers and a plastic Walmart bag in her hand. Rita said something to Ivy that Esther couldn’t hear, but it sounded nice, like a pleasant word of greeting. Ivy didn’t acknowledge Rita or the other three women as she plowed through them like a baling machine, blew into the house, and slammed the door behind her. She caught sight of Esther and pointed toward the front yard. “That lady is crazy. I’m never getting in a car with her again.”
Esther feigned innocence, which was mostly real. She had no idea what Cathy had put Ivy through today. “What happened?”
“She acted all nice and pleasant when she drove me to Walmart, like she was so happy to do me a favor. Then once I got out of the store, she told me she wanted to show me something, then she drove like a madman for like an hour until we got to some mountains of sand. It’s like a state park or something. Who makes a state park out of a pile of sand? I thought I was being kidnapped. I kept telling her she’d better turn around or I’d call the police, but your phone died, and she doesn’t have a charger in her car.” Ivy spread her hands and raised her voice, as if Cathy not having a charger in her car was worse than murder.
“Please talk more softly. Winnie is asleep,” Esther said.
Ivy lowered her voice, but she soon forgot to keep it down. “We got to the sand dunes, and Cathy wanted to look around. I told her if she didn’t take me home this minute, I’d steal her keys and take myself home.”
“Ivy, you didn’t!”
“Oh, yes I did. But do you know what she did? She rolled down her window and threw her keys into a sand dune. It took us forty minutes to find them, and my flip-flops broke.”
If Esther hadn’t been so full of anxiety about the possibility of losing Winnie, she might have laughed. Hard. She would have loved to watch Ivy throw a fit. She would have loved to see the smug look on Cathy’s face when she threw her keys out the window. Ach, life’s simple pleasures. “I’m glad you finally got home,” Esther said, not all that glad. Ach, she hoped Derr Herr would forgive her for all the lies she’d told in the last three months. “Did you find some shoes?”
Ivy held up the grocery bag. “They’re ugly, but they were cheap.”
Ivy was worn-out, cross, and feeling very put-upon. Esther pressed her lips together. Was this the best or the worst possible time to say what she had to say? Her courage was probably as tall as it was going to get. She didn’t want to wait until tomorrow morning only to find she’d lost the nerve and the resolve. And with Ivy, there really was no good time to deliver bad news. She would react badly even if she were at a Christmas party eating pecan pie and chocolate cake.
Ivy slipped around Esther’s quilt and slumped onto the couch. “What’s for dinner? I’m starving. Cathy couldn’t be bothered to stop at McDonald’s, and she ate three protein bars right in front of me. She said she had to regulate her blood sugar. She didn’t even care about my blood sugar.” Ivy leaned her head back on the couch cushion.
“We’re having leftovers for dinner.”
“Leftovers? I refuse to eat leftovers. I want a big, juicy steak. Or how about a cheeseburger? Have you got anything like that in this horrible house?”
“We need to talk,” Esther said.
Ivy lifted her head and eyed Esther suspiciously. “About what?”
“Let’s go outside so we don’t disturb Winnie.”
“Her name is Winter.”
Esther didn’t respond. She held out her hand and pulled Ivy to her feet.
Ivy sort of stumbled to the front door behind Esther. “Can’t this wait? I’m starving.”
It might be a gute idea for Ivy to have something in her stomach while Esther delivered the bad news. It couldn’t hurt. She ran to the fridge and grabbed three cheese sticks and an apple. If they weren’t good enough for Ivy, then Ivy wasn’t as hungry as she claimed.
They went outside and sat down on the porch step. Ivy unpeeled her first cheese stick. “What leftovers do we have?” she said.
Esther wrapped her arms around her waist. She was going to be sick. “Ivy, I’m not going to do this anymore.”
“Do what?”
“I love Winnie very much, and I want to adopt her more than almost anything, but I’m not going to let you boss me around anymore, even if that means you take Winnie away from me.”
Ivy froze in the middle of chewing her cheese. “Her name is Winter.”
“You can call her whatever you want. She will always be Winnie to me. I don’t care if it irritates you. I’m done being your servant. I’m not going to clean up after you or fix you blueberry crepes or give you the bigger bed. I’m not going to sew you dresses or call my friends to drive you places or give you money. You may stay here if you want, but I’m not going to let you use Winnie to control me.”
Ivy stopped chewing and stood up. “Use Winter to control you? What are you talking about? I’m her mother. I want what’s best for her, and you don’t know how to take care of her like I do. I’m trying to help you.”
“No, Ivy, you’re not. You’re selfish and mean, and you don’t really care that much about Winnie. You don’t love her or me. You only love yourself.”
Ivy drew back as if Esther had spit in her face. “How dare you say I don’t love my own daughter? What do you know about love? Nothing. You live in this miserable little house and work on your stupid little quilts, and your life means nothing. If it weren’t for me and Winnie, you’d be nothing.”
“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m a worthless spinster who’s never done anything more important than can apricots, but I’m not going to let you grind me into powder. I will allow you to stay in my house, but only if you get a job, help me with the chores, and behave yourself.”
“Behave myself? You got nothing to say about how I behave.”
“In my house, yes, I do. And I’m not going to let you decide who I’m friends with. I’ve written a letter to Levi, inviting him to come and visit us. You ruined any chance of happiness I might have had with Menno. I won’t let you take Levi from me too.”
Ivy laughed in derision. “You think Levi loves you? You think he’d ever look at someone like you? If Menno didn’t care, Levi certainly doesn’t.”
Esther’s heart ached. Levi was a true and loyal friend, but maybe he didn’t care as much as Esther hoped. And maybe Ivy would say anything to make Esther doubt herself. “If nothing else, Levi is my friend, and you will not bar him from the house.”
Ivy narrowed her eyes. “He’s not allowed.”
Esther stood up to face her sister. “It’s not your decision. This is my house, and you are my guest.”
Ivy grew angrier as she saw her control slipping away. “I will take Winter away. Don’t think I won’t.”
“I know,” Esther said, her voice cracking into a million pieces. She could feel her composure disintegrating, but it didn’t matter. Let Ivy see her cry. She had to say everything before it was impossible to say anything. “I love Winnie, and I hate that you’ve used her as a way to get what you want from me. But taking Winnie is also your choice, and though I’ll be devastated, I cannot let you steal my life from me one day at a time.”
When Ivy got this worked up, there was no stopping her, no reasoning with her. “You talk like I’m some horrible person. I won’t leave my child with someone who hates me so much.”
“I don’t hate you. I’m just not going to let you hurt me anymore.” Esther’s heart ached so badly, she could barely breathe. “Take Winnie away if you feel you must. Do what you have to do. Make your own choices and think only of yourself. I must think of what is best for me. I will trust Gotte to take care of Winnie.”
Ivy’s eyes flashed with anger and hurt. “So this is what you think of me. Well, I’ll tell you something. I am a good mother. I am perfectly able to take care of my own baby, good care. Quit talking about God, as if you think there’s no hope for Winter but thr
ough Heaven. I’m her mother. I’ll give her everything a child could need.”
“I’m glad to hear it,” Esther choked out. It hurt to talk.
Ivy tugged her fingers through her hair. “I know when I’m not wanted. Me and Winter are getting out of here. Good riddance to this whole stupid place.” Ivy pushed past Esther into the house. She nearly went into her room, where Winnie was sleeping, but must have thought better of it. Instead, she marched into Esther’s room and locked the door behind her.
Esther stood on the porch and looked into the house, holding together the shreds of her self-control by sheer willpower. She shouldn’t have bought a lock for her bedroom door. Ivy might stay in there for days. She would have her own private bathroom, and she could eat Winnie’s stash of cereal puffs if she got hungry. Maybe Ivy’s locking herself in Esther’s room wasn’t such a bad thing. Esther might have a little more time with Winnie, and Ivy would leave them both alone.
The slamming door woke Winnie from her afternoon nap. Esther went into Ivy’s room, pulled Winnie from her crib, and clasped her tightly in her arms. Esther patted Winnie’s back and rocked back and forth to calm Winnie’s crying. Winnie settled onto Esther’s shoulder and promptly fell back asleep. Esther cooed a lullaby and clutched Winnie to her bosom, hoping their very closeness would heal her broken heart.
* * *
Esther awoke with a lump of dread in her throat that nearly choked her. How she’d even managed to fall asleep was beyond her comprehension. She rolled over and looked at the clock. Almost eight. Her heart skipped a beat. Was Winnie still asleep, or had Ivy left already without giving either of them a chance to say goodbye?
Esther sat up with a start. Was Winnie gone?
She listened for any movement in the other room. There it was. Ivy was awake, moving around in her room, no doubt hoping she’d disturb Esther’s sleep. It was the petty sort of revenge Ivy used all the time. Esther could also hear Winnie. She was making those little noises she always made when she was playing with a toy or one of Esther’s measuring cups. She was probably sitting on the floor watching Ivy pack. Esther wanted to cry. Ivy was going to make good on her threat, and much sooner than Esther could have imagined.
The Amish Quiltmaker's Unexpected Baby Page 26
