by Melody Grace
Eva shudders in my arms. “Please, Finn. I need your cock. I need you, inside me. I need every inch!”
Fuck. Yes.
My body tenses, the rush coiling fast. I slide my hand between her legs, rubbing her clit as I plunge into her one last time. Eva lets out a cry, her body convulsing with shudders that massage my cock from the inside out. It’s paradise, fucking heaven right here. As the force of her orgasm takes us both over, I let go, exploding inside her as the heat rages through me, splitting the world wide open until there’s nothing but fire and ash, and Eva in my arms.
Mine.
*
When I wake, Eva is sound asleep, naked in my arms. Her hair is tangled and her cheeks flushed red. She looks like she’s been fucked for days, and sure, it’s dumb, but I still feel a stab of pride I put that look on her face.
She’d look like that every night if I had my chance.
I cradle her softly, and press a gentle kiss to her brow. How could I have left her? How can she ever forgive me for walking away?
The guilt weighs on me, crushing my chest until it’s too much to take. I get out of bed and grab my jeans from the floor. The house is quiet, but there’s a balcony area off the bedroom. I silently slide the door open and go to sit on the bench out there.
I breathe in the crisp air and watch the shadows. Surrounded by the woods, this couldn’t be further from my place back in LA, or my usual New York hotel room. There, the city lights were always a comfort when I’d spend sleepless nights like this, keeping me company as I went back over past sins, a pen in one hand and my guitar in the other, trying to make something beautiful out of a broken heart.
I thought I was healing, maybe even sending a message out in the world to her, but after the record hit and the money and adoration started rolling in, it felt dirty. Wrong, somehow, that I could leave and profit from that pain. Some of the songs I even stopped performing. The ones that felt too personal, too bound up in her. Before tonight, I don’t think I’d played ‘Sometimes’ live in years, even though the fans always beg me, and it’s hard to turn them down.
Does she know it’s all been for her?
I curse under my breath, wondering how the fuck I let it get this far. I didn’t mean to come back like this, but one glimpse of her was all it took. I wasn’t going to stop until she was naked in my bed again. I could tell she wanted me to stay away, that she’s still trying to figure out if she wants to let me back in her life, but that didn’t stop me.
I know the way to touch her, just what kind of kiss will make her lose her mind.
Is it so wrong I want whatever part of her I can get? If her heart is never going to be mine, I’ll settle for her body, for any damn thing she’s willing to give. I’ll be a fucking dog at the table, begging for scraps, just as long as she graces me with something. A smile. A touch.
Her body, coming hard around my cock every time.
There’s a noise behind me. I turn and find Eva framed in the doorway, wrapped up in a short, silky robe. My cock leaps to attention again, just seeing the way it pours off her body. “Hey.” She gives me a sleepy smile, her hair messy, but her eyes shining bright. “What are you doing out here?”
“Just thinking.”
I beckon, and she comes to me, sliding into my lap and wrapping her arms around me like she was made to fit there, just right. I take a ragged breath, wishing I could stay like this forever. That the future – and the past – could all just melt away.
But it’s too late for that. I can tell Eva’s got something on her mind. She takes my hand between hers, toying with it, twisting her fingers in mine. I hear a reluctant sigh.
“Tell me,” I say, kissing her head, knowing the end is right there in front of us. “Just get it out, whatever you need.”
Eva pulls back, far enough to twist around and look me in the eye. Her gaze is shadowed, almost fearful, when she finally asks the question I’ve been asking myself for five long years now.
“Why did you leave me?” Her words slice through me, so deep I swear they draw blood. Eva looks away, like it’s hurting her even to ask. “Why did you just go? If you didn’t want me, you could have just said. Left me a note, or called. Anything to tell me what was going on. But instead, you just disappeared. You left me here, and you never even said goodbye.”
Her voice twists, and I can see it in her face. Fuck, I can see the wound still open, raw and painful.
I did this. I hurt the one person in the world I swore I would always protect.
I broke her heart, and I might never be able to make it right again.
I can’t stand it. I get up, pacing to the edge of the balcony just to get some room for this, the pale excuses I must have rehearsed a million times. But those words, the platitudes, they don’t mean jack shit, not with Eva waiting. Waiting for the reasons I don’t have to give.
“I’m sorry.”
It won’t change anything, but I mean it with every fiber of my being. I grip the railing, and say it again, still avoiding that beautiful face and all the tragic disappointment waiting there. “I’m sorry, I truly am. I wish I had something to tell you that would make it okay, but I don’t. I don’t have anything. I was young, and fucked up, and I thought I knew best for us. I thought leaving was the only chance I could give you.”
I stare out into the dark. Fuck, here I am, supposedly older and wiser, and I’m still too chicken shit to face her.
Be a man. Be a goddamn better man than you were five years ago.
I steel myself, and turn to face the truth. Eva is looking at me with hope in her eyes, like she’s still holding out for an answer that will make sense of it all. But there is none.
“I did it for us,” I say finally, hollow with regret. “For you. I thought… I thought I was giving you a chance to live your dreams. Taking myself out of the equation before I just dragged you down.”
Eva stares at me. Whatever she was expecting me to say, it’s not this. She shakes her head, trying to process it. “I don’t understand.”
“I know you don’t.” I look away, hating the guilt clawing tight in my chest. “You didn’t know what it was like for me, back then. And that’s my fault, too,” I add bitterly. “I hid it from you. I hid a lot of shit. About my dad, how bad it got there in the end.” I pause, the past rushing up on me again. “But you have to believe me, I thought I was doing the right thing. I was just a fuck up with no future, heading straight to the gutters – or jail.” I look at her, plaintively. “How could I have ever given you the life you deserved?”
“That’s not true!” Eva cries, angry.
I bow my head. “And maybe I know that now.” I sigh. “But back then, I was just a stupid kid. I was so goddamn scared of turning out like my dad, a loser drunk that couldn’t hold a job. Who did nothing but cause misery, until he ruined everyone who loved him.”
She closes the distance between us. “Finn, you’re nothing like your father.” Eva insists. “Nothing!”
“That’s not what he’d tell me,” I answer softly, remembering the insults and petty taunts. “All those nights he got so blind drunk he could barely stand. He said I was useless, that it was in my blood, and there was no escape. I was damaged like him, and I’d only bring you down.”
In an instant, I’m back there again. Trapped, and so goddamn confused. Eva tries to put her arms around me, but I break away.
“I spent my life planning how to leave him,” I admit, shaken. “I know it wasn’t his fault. The war fucked him up, it broke something inside him, and maybe I should have tried harder to help, but… I couldn’t take it anymore. It was just him and me in that house, and I couldn’t live that way, waiting for him to crack. I knew, sooner or later, one of us would wind up dead.”
I go cold remembering it all, despite the warm night air. But I can’t stop now. She deserves to know the truth, and after everything, I owe her this much. Even if it makes me sick to remember, even if I swore I would never look back again.
“The
day I hit graduation, I was out of there,” I tell her bleakly. “I had it all figured out. I would picture myself anywhere but here. A million miles from his twisted anger, where he couldn’t hurt me anymore.” I pause, and turn to give her a bittersweet smile. “And then I met you.”
She holds me again, and this time, I don’t have the strength left to pull away.
“I didn’t know,” Eva whispers sadly. “You never said a word.”
“I couldn’t,” I tell her, my voice raw with emotion. “You were everything to me. The one good thing in this town. In my whole mess of a life. You made me believe that maybe I was worth something after all. That you and I could make a life together. Something real.” I feel the warmth of her body, wrapped around me just like before. Giving me strength, and something to hold on to. “I started thinking that maybe I could hold out another year,” I admit. “Find a job here in town, and move out. Do something to make it through until you graduated too.” I laugh, hollow. “As if it could be so simple, that love could overcome all odds.”
“So why didn’t you stay?” she asks in a small voice. “We could have made it work. If you’d just told me how bad things were getting. If you’d let me in. I would have done anything, Finn. Anything you needed. And then, maybe.” She stops, biting back her words.
“What could you have done?” I ask. “Come on, baby. You were focused on school, and acting, all those interviews for drama schools you had your heart set on. And I wanted that for you.” I swear. “Fuck, so bad. I wanted you to have everything. The life you deserved.”
“Will you stop saying that?” Eva exclaims. “You’re talking like you didn’t deserve good things too, but I was there. I remember. You were everything to me, too!”
I look away. “I know. I know you would have given up everything to be with me, but you think I could have lived with that? I was stuck between a rock and a fucking bullet, and I didn’t see a way out for us both.”
Eva shivers. “You keep talking about bullets. About your dad.” She pauses, looking anxious. “What happened, Finn? What aren’t you still telling me?” I shake my head, wordless, but she keeps pushing. “Please. I need to know. There’s nothing you can tell me that I won’t understand.”
“Eva.” For all my pained confession, there’s still a part of me locked shut. I don’t want to crack that last defense, but I can see it in her eyes. She won’t rest until I tell her everything.
“Trust me, please,” Eva whispers again. “Don’t shut me out again.”
It hurts like fuck, and if this were anyone else, I would just walk away rather than disturb these old ghosts. I’ve pieced my life back together, made something I can even be proud of, but it all feels like it’s unraveling again in this same damn town that chewed me up and spit me out all those years ago, back when I was just a bruised, broken kid making all the wrong choices.
But maybe that’s the point now. Back then, I didn’t want to share my burden. I pushed her away, and it wrecked us forever. I should have believed in her the way she believes in me now.
It’s the only way I’ll ever be free from the past.
Sixteen.
I wait, my heart beating with an anxious staccato pace. This is wrong, all wrong. I can see it just in Finn’s expression – so tense, and all alone.
I hold him tighter, waiting. What has he been hiding all these years? How did I not notice what was breaking him in two?
“Fuck,” Finn curses under his breath. “I’m sorry. It’s just… I’ve been running from all this for so long now, trying to put it behind me and move on.”
“And how’s that working out for you?” I ask, trying to make him smile.
Finn chuckles. It’s still a hollow sound, but I’ll take it. I’ll take anything that lifts the terrible pain in his eyes and gives me back a glimpse of the man I thought I knew.
“It was graduation day,” he starts, moving to sit on the bench. I go with him, still holding his hand tightly, listening to each word weighed down with guilt and remorse. “And I was happy. I felt like I’d finally made it through, proven everyone wrong. I could see the finish line, a life with you. I remember, I even showed up at the ceremony, sat through all the bullshit speeches just to see your face in the crowd.”
I squeeze him. “I remember. I was really proud of you.”
Finn sighs. “I thought maybe he would show, too. I left the invite out for him, even got his suit laundered in case he was sober long enough to pull it together. But he didn’t.” He shrugs. “I told myself I was relieved, that he didn’t embarrass me in front of everyone, but still. I wanted him there. I wanted to show him I wasn’t the loser he said I was.”
“I had no idea,” I whisper, feeling so guilty I can barely stand it. “I had no idea it was so bad. You never said.”
Finn shrugs again, a pained, jerky motion. “It’s not your fault. I should have spoken up a hundred times. Gone to Bill, or a teacher, or your parents. They could have helped, maybe, but I was too damn proud and ashamed to reach out. It felt like it was my burden, my wretched cross to bear.” He takes another breath, and pushes on before I can say anything. It’s like the words have been bottled up inside him too long, and he just wants to get them out now. “After the celebration, we made plans to meet that night at the pier,” he continues. “And I went home. I was going to pack a bag. Take you away for the weekend, to that bed and breakfast up the coast. Remember, we had it all figured out.”
I smile, remembering. A girl from my class was having a birthday trip to their beach house up the coast, so my cover was all set up. All I had to do was meet Finn that night, and we’d have the whole weekend to ourselves. I was giddy with it, so in love I couldn’t see straight. Until six o clock turned into seven, and eight, and I was all alone in the dark crying for the boy who never showed.
“I remember,” I say sadly, and Finn places his hand over mine.
“When I got back to the house, my dad was there.” His words are slower and deliberate now, full of something ominous. “He was wasted again, but this was something worse. The way he talked, it was like a goodbye. Like he was getting it all off his chest before the end.”
I freeze. What does he mean? I don’t dare take my eyes from Finn’s face as he slowly tells me the rest of the story.
“He said the usual, about how I was fucking up your life too. That I’d get you pregnant, and ruin everything the way he ruined my mom’s life. That you’d leave me the way she left us, and I’d be left with nothing but a disappointment for a kid.”
I have to bite my tongue to keep from interrupting. How could Hank have done this to him? How could he have made the strongest, most loving man I’ve ever known feel like he was worthless and a waste of space?
“I told him to go to hell, and went to pack my things,” Finn continues, still so tense and cold beneath my hands. “I had my bag, I was on my way out, when.” he stops, like he’s watching the scene play out in front of him all over again. “He was in his chair, that fucking chair in front of the TV. But he had the shotgun in his hands, and… and…”
Finn takes a ragged breath. I hold him tight. God, what did he go through?
“He said this was my fault. That I’d never learn. And then he pulled the trigger.” Finn lifts his eyes, so full of pain. “He put the gun in his mouth and he pulled the trigger, right in front of me. And for a split-second, I was relieved. Do you hear me, Eva? I was glad, because it would all be over. I’d finally be free.”
There are tears in his eyes now, but he clenches his jaw, holding them at bay. It’s all I can do to just hold him, hold him as he relives the nightmare all over again.
“I guess the bastard didn’t even keep his own gun clean, because the damn firing mechanism jammed. I didn’t give him another chance. I got it away from him. I was yelling, and he, he was past caring.” Finn’s voice is raw. “I knocked him out, took the gun with me, and I bailed. I just got in my car and drove. I was shaking so hard, I didn’t even see where I was going. I pulled
over, miles out of town. I couldn’t even keep hold of the wheel.” He gulps in another breath of air. “I was sitting there on the side of the road when I realized he was right.”
“No, Finn—”
“He was right about me,” he insists, looking at me now. “If I’d stayed, if I’d tried to build that life with you, I would have been no better than him. Holding you back, dragging you down. Don’t try to tell me otherwise. We both know the truth. I had nothing to offer, no future, no ambition. So I just kept driving—”
“You had everything to offer me!” I interrupt, suddenly spitting mad. I’ve listened to his tragedy, all the things I couldn’t fix, but I won’t have him believing this. I can’t. “You loved me, and that was all I ever wanted.”
“Love wouldn’t have paid the bills,” Finn counters. “It doesn’t put a roof over your head, or get you to drama school, or give you the thousand things you should have to make a start in life. Come on, Eva. We were a couple of teenagers. How were we ever supposed to make it work?”
“So maybe we would have failed,” I shoot back fiercely. “Maybe it would have all fallen apart. But that was my choice to make. Mine. It was my life, and my heart, and you took that choice away. You didn’t let me choose you!”
My voice echoes into the dark. Finn looks at me, with such sadness in his gaze I could turn the clock back and wipe all this pain away. Make it so he never had to doubt himself or suffer. Make it so the last words he ever heard from his father weren’t cruel and twisted blame.
Because I see it now, the impossible choice he thought he had to make. I’ve been blaming him all this time for leaving me, searching for his reasons and coming up empty handed. I thought it was selfishness, or cowardice. I thought it was my fault, or that he just didn’t love me enough to stay.
But in the end, it was because he loved me more than enough, and too much to believe he deserved happiness. Everything in his life had told him that he was no good, so was it any wonder that when it came to that razor’s edge of indecision, he picked the darkness? The fear.
