by Aly Martinez
Her eyes go wide, but she doesn’t immediately respond. "Stop," she whispers as the tears pool in her eyes. "You don’t owe me that."
"No, I do owe you something, but that’s not it. I’m telling you because it physically aches to try to keep it in any longer. I love you, Sarah."
"Leo, please don’t. You don’t know all of me, and I want to be able to say it back, but I need to tell you some things first." She nervously sits up and pats around the bed until she finds her T-shirt.
"See, this is the other part that physically hurts to contain." I run a hand though my hair and let out a loud sigh. "I know about your past."
"What?" she questions, clearly confused.
"I know about the wreck, your head injury, Brett, your suicide attempts, and the reason for your stay at Building Foundations," I rush out as she throws a hand up to cover her mouth. "I know about it all, but I don’t care. I love you anyway," I finish, and she stumbles.
I snag a pair of shorts off the floor and pull them on. She backs away as I round the bed, but I don’t stop advancing. Cornering her against the closet door, I gently brush the hair off her neck and whisper in her ear.
"I don’t care, ángel. You aren’t that woman anymore. So please believe me when I say I am absolutely and unquestionably in love with you."
When her shoulders relax, hope springs to my chest.
Until she explodes.
"Oh my God!" She pushes me, catching me off guard and causing me to rock back a step. "Oh my God. That’s how you do it. You… You…" she stutters and begins snatching up her clothes off the floor. "You don’t say the right things to calm me. Fuck, you manipulate my past to make them the right things! It’s all lies!"
"Sarah. I’m not lying about anything."
"I have to get out of here."
"You’re overreacting. Listen to me. I’m not perfect either," I call after her as she rushes from the room.
She begins shoving her clothes in her oversized purse. "How long have you known? Did you already know on my birthday when I went through Manda’s box?"
I nod and she chokes out a sob.
"Of course you did. You know you could have told me then. If there had ever been a fucking moment to tell me that you knew my life story, that would have been it. Before I shared one of the most special moments of my life with a fucking liar."
"I was worried you were going to react like…well, like this. I wasn’t ready to lose you." I toss my arms out to my sides in frustration.
"And what about now? You ready now?" she asks, snatching her keys off the table.
I step in front of the door to prevent from her leaving. "No! I’m not ready. And truth be told, I don’t think you’re ready either."
"Fuck you, Leo. You can stop pretending you know what I need."
"So what exactly are you mad about? The fact that I knew or the fact that I didn’t tell you."
"All of the above!" she shrieks, stopping in front of me.
"Please just talk to me. You aren’t being rational here."
"Bullshit. This might just be the most rational I’ve been since I fell under your spell." She pushes past me and storms down the stairs.
"Can I please have a goddamn minute to explain?"
"Sure. Build a time machine, because I’ve given you all the minutes you’re ever going to get from me."
She swings open the garage door and Johnson steps out of the guard station.
"Everything okay?" he asks.
Sarah starts to breeze past him but freezes just a few steps away. With a humorless laugh, she spins to face him and levels him with a glare.
"You son of a bitch. That was confidential! You had no right to tell him!" she yells.
Johnson shakes his head and turns to me. "I’m not getting involved in this. I highly suggest you start fucking explaining things to her."
"He didn’t—" I start, but I’m immediately interrupted.
"You know what? I’m done. Fuck you both. Aiden, you’re an asshole. I never would have told him you were gay. Oops. I guess it just slipped." She spins on a heel and walks to her car.
She doesn’t spare another word for me. I watch helplessly as she drives from the garage. I want to chase her down the street, force her to listen to me, but I have a feeling none of that would help my case. I can’t fight with her until she cools off and is ready to listen. I’ll give her some time. I don’t believe for one second that Sarah’s really done, but more than that, I’m not done. She just needs to organize her thoughts. It’s going to hurt like a motherfucker to sit back and let her figure this out. She doesn’t even have all the facts. But if it ultimately ends with her in my arms, I’m more than willing to endure.
"Well, that went well," I say to Johnson, who is suddenly enthralled with the cracks on the concrete.
"Yeah. Awesome," he growls.
"Hey. You want me to go back to pretending I don’t know or you want to bring Chris out to dinner when I iron this shit out with Sarah?" I ask and his head snaps to mine. "You might want to be more discreet on the work cell." I smirk uncomfortably and his eyes grow wide. "Oh, don’t give me that look. I learned a long time ago not to look at the pictures you guys exchange."
He closes his eyes, but a tiny smile tilts his lips. He doesn’t utter a word as he walks back into the guard station.
I head back up to my apartment and snatch my phone off the nightstand. When I turn it on for the first time in a week, messages from Sarah, Erica, and some clients flood my screen. I clear them all and type out a text.
Me: You don’t have to believe me, but that doesn’t change the way I feel. I love you. Take all the time you need. I’m ready to explain whenever you’re ready to listen.
Two days later…
"UM, WHY the hell are you not at work?" Emma questions when she walks into my apartment.
"I took the day off," I respond mindlessly while flipping through the TV channels.
"She got fired," Casey pipes up from beside me.
"You what?" Emma shouts.
"She called in sick on Monday and Tuesday, then no-showed on Wednesday. I stopped by today to see if she wanted to go to lunch only to be informed that Sarah Erickson was no longer employed by the Tribune." Casey smiles and I flip her off.
"You done tattling?" I ask before resuming my hunt for a nonexistent TV show.
"Why didn’t you call me? What’s going on? You not feeling well?" Emma rushes out a barrage of questions that makes me roll my eyes.
"Because I didn’t want to deal with this." I motion between the two of them.
"Leo out of town?" Emma asks, sitting down in the chair next to the couch.
"Don’t know. Don’t care," I drone emotionlessly as my stomach knots and my chest aches.
"Ah. So you’re that kind of sick. Y’all have a fight?"
"No. We broke up," I answer shortly, hoping to close the conversation just as quickly as it opened.
"All right. Spill it," Emma says, propping her feet on the table.
"Yeah, not happening." I stand and head to my small kitchen, which overlooks the living room.
"I thought things were going really well," Casey tells my back.
"They were. Now they’re not."
They have to stop talking about Leo before the anxiety creeping up has a chance to turn into a full-blown panic attack. It won’t be the first one I’ve had since I left Leo. I barely even made it a block from his apartment before I had to pull over and catch my breath.
Losing Leo hurts far more than I thought possible. I miss him so much. This is such a sucky situation because I want nothing more than to turn to Leo right now. I know he’d be able to make me relax. It was also a false sense of comfort, but I’d give anything to feel again.
"All right. I’m headed to Leo’s to get some answers." Emma jumps to her feet and walks to the door.
"No, you are fucking not." I rush after her. Just as she grabs the handle of the door, I snag her arm. "Don’t. It’s not a big deal. We just br
oke up. It was nothing scandalous or dramatic," I lie. "It just didn’t work out."
"So if it’s that simple, why are you calling in sick and getting fired from your job? That doesn’t sound like ‘no big deal’ to me." She slings a pair of air quotes my way. "It sounds like you’re hurting."
I try to give her a bitchy smile, but my chin begins to quiver, giving away my impending breakdown. "I, um…" I stutter as my hands start to shake and tears spill from my eyes. I don’t even know why I’m crying except that she’s right. I’m hurting so fucking bad.
"Okay. Casey, go get sushi. Spare no expense. Stop and grab an overnight bag too. It’s a girls’ night," Emma announces, wrapping me into a hug that does nothing to calm me down. "You want wine or chocolate tonight?" She leans away, catching my eye.
"Chocolate," I answer, trying to fight a losing battle with my emotions.
"I’ll be right back." Casey gives my shoulder a squeeze and darts out the door.
"Go get in some ugly-ass pajamas. And lend me some sexy ones." She walks to the kitchen and calls over her shoulder, "I’m not even kidding. I don’t care if you did just get broken up with. I’m not hanging out with you tonight if you wear one of those tank tops that makes your boobs look better than mine."
I let out a strangled laugh, and just like that, the floodgates open. "I think I love him," I admit out loud for the first time.
"Jesus, Sarah. What happened?"
"He’s a liar, and I hate him, because even though I know that, I can’t stop thinking about him or stop wishing he were here."
"Did you open up about your past?" she guesses, grabbing the ice cream from the freezer and two spoons from the drawer.
"I didn’t have to. He knows everything. His best friend was at Foundations with me. He filled Leo in on all my bullshit. The wreck, my suicide attempts, trying to shoot Brett. Everything."
"Fuck," Emma breathes. "I’m assuming that didn’t go over well?"
"He told me he loves me anyway," I barely even whisper, unable to trust my voice with the ludicrous words—yet another one of Leo’s lies.
"Wait. What?" she asks, putting the ice cream down on the counter. "So he knows everything and he told you he loves you anyway? Please tell me I’m missing a part of this equation."
"He’s known for a while. At least since my birthday. He’s lied to me so many times that I can’t even begin to recount them all."
"Lied how?"
"He does this thing where he always knows exactly what to say when I get nervous or stressed out. I thought that’s just who he was, but come to find out, he just knew enough about me to know what I needed. The man I was falling in love with wasn’t Leo at all. I don’t have a clue who he really is." I wipe the tears from my eyes and take a quick breath to get myself back in check.
"Okay…let me try to get this straight one last time. You have somewhat of a troubled past, you meet a hot man, and you do not disclose aforementioned past. Then you fall in love with said hot man because he makes you feel safe and comfortable, only to find out that he already knows the shit—that you never told him but should have—and he used it to his advantage to make you feel…well, safe and comfortable all the while falling in love with you. And now that you know this information, you have decided that he’s a liar for not being a dick and heading for the hills?"
"That is not at all what I said, so stop twisting it," I snap, crossing my arms over my chest.
"Maybe I’m not the one twisting it, Sarah."
"I feel like everyone knew the full story except for me. Leo didn’t get to know me. He heard stories about who I used to be and used it to his advantage. It’s embarrassing, Emma. I should’ve been the one to tell him those things about myself."
"Okay, now that I understand. Embarrassed is one thing. Breaking up with a man you are obviously in love with is something altogether different."
"You don’t get it, Emma. What if Leo had never done all of those things that made me fall in love with him? How would I feel about him? Hell, what if he just told me he loved me because he thought I needed to hear it. I don’t know this new guy at all any more than he knows new Sarah. And it hurts because, even if we get back together, I’m not sure that I’ll ever feel for this new guy like I did my old Leo."
"Jesus, listen to yourself. New Sarah. Old Sarah. New Leo. Old Leo. I honestly can’t keep up. I’m sorry, sis, but you’ve worn out that phrase. You are still the same Sarah from before the accident and Leo is still the same man you came home raving about after your first date. People change and evolve every single day. It’s not exactly a novel concept that people act differently when they first start dating than they do later in relationships.
"So he knew some stuff about you. It sucks. And yes, he should have told you. But I don’t think that makes him a liar any more than your not telling him makes you a liar."
"I guess we will just have to agree to disagree," I huff and head toward the bedroom.
I can’t just let this go. I get what Emma’s saying and I hear her rational words. It’s just that I’ve spent so much of the last few years feeling like an outsider even in my own skin. I can’t go back to that. I need some sort of control in my life. Maybe I handed Leo too much of that control over me. That could be why this hurts so much. Leo didn’t just betray me; I betrayed myself.
I walk into the bedroom, and instead of digging through my drawers to find pajamas, I crawl into bed. I don’t want to think about Leo anymore. But when I close my eyes, all I can think about is the deep hum of his chuckle before everything fell apart. If Leo ever does manage to build that time machine, the first thing I’m doing is stealing it and going back to those two seconds in time when everything felt perfect. I’d happily relive that moment for all of eternity.
An hour or so later, Emma wakes me up by throwing a T-shirt at my head. Ultimately, she ended up in tight yoga pants and one of my low-cut tank tops, which does, in fact, make her boobs look fantastic. And because I appreciate her leaving Collin and Caleb at home just to spend the night with me, I don’t even argue when I pull on the stained sweats she laid out for me.
"Casey, where’s Eli tonight?" I ask while grabbing the last piece of sushi.
"Hell if I know. We haven’t spoken in a few weeks."
"Oh dear Lord." I roll my eyes and she lets out a small giggle. "You better be amazing in bed because you give that man hell and he always comes back."
"He’s a dick, but yes, I am amazing in bed."
We all laugh.
"Oh, hey. I read those Fifty Shades books y’all were talking about the other day. I thought I was fucked up. Christian is crazy." I laugh but neither of them utters a word. I turn to look at Emma and she’s blinking rapidly at me. "What?" I ask, looking at Casey, who looks equally as shocked.
"You read?" Emma asks.
"All three books?" Casey clarifies behind her.
"Yes," I answer suspiciously.
"I thought that was, like, against your religion or something?" Emma says seriously, but a smile grows on her face.
"Oh, shut up. I used to read all the time."
"Used to." Casey emphasizes. "You haven’t read anything since the wreck."
"Oh stop. It’s no big deal. Leo wasn’t feeling well over the weekend, so we just laid around. I didn’t want the TV to bother him and his Kindle was on the nightstand, so I decided to read instead of dying of boredom."
"I’m not sure which part of that sentence is weirdest. The fact that you willingly chose to read an actual book or that Leo has a Kindle." Emma laughs.
"He’s a big nerd, actually. I tried to read one of his books, and dear God, they were boring. They were all classic literature or, like, books on great wars in history."
"Oh jeez. That sounds torturous. So how’d you like Fifty?"
"It was good. Although I’d punch a man in the face if he ever tried to spank me. But it was hot reading about it," I respond and they both bust out laughing.
The rest of the night is spent on the
couch with Emma and Casey. Thankfully, no one brings up Leo again. No questions, no arguments. Nothing. Just sushi, chocolate, and terrible reality TV.
SPACE.
I told myself I’d give Sarah time to clear her head and think things through without emotions dictating her reaction. But for fuck’s sake, it’s been three days now. I really thought she’d come over the next morning after she’d had a chance to cool off. But she hasn’t so much as even sent me a text.
I’ve tried to throw myself into work, but no matter how many hours I spend approving timecards, nothing seems to take my mind off Sarah. I have no fucking idea how to make this right. In a few days, she’ll come around.
She has to.
The intercom on my desk buzzes, snapping me out of my thoughts.
"What’s up?" I call through the speaker.
"Yo. Leo, you got a visitor," Johnson responds from downstairs.
Thankfully, he’s been here a lot the last few days, because I’ve been worthless since Sarah left. Due to her parting words about his sexuality, things were awkward at first. But not another word has been spoken about it, and things have basically gone back to normal between us.
"Shit," I cuss. Flipping through my calendar, I try to figure out what appointment I’ve forgotten about only to find today blank. "I’m not expecting anyone. Who is it?"
"Brett Sharp," he announces.
What the fucking hell is Brett Sharp doing here?
I quickly run through a few scenarios until my pulse suddenly begins to race. Oh God. What if something happened to Sarah? Could she have possibly tried to kill herself again? He’s a cop. Did he draw the short straw and is here to notify me that something happened?
"Let him up!" I call out and rush to open the front door.
As I wait for the elevator to arrive on my floor, I try to calm myself by taking a rational step back. There is no way Brett would have been the one chosen to inform me. Emma or Caleb would have called. Shit. Do they even have my number? I should really call Emma and have her check up on Sarah. When Brett walks off the elevator, I’m still lost in my worries.
