by Aly Martinez
"I can’t let you go to hotel. Your sister will hang me by my balls."
"Well, apologize to your balls for me, because there is no way I’m talking with Emma tonight."
"Okay, fine. Talk to me, then." He lies down on his back and crosses his legs at the ankle.
I laugh at the idea of having a heart-to-heart with Caleb Jones, but he’s probably going to do the least amount of preaching of anyone else.
"Come on. I can’t go home and leave you here, so start talking and let’s see what bullshit we can figure out."
I sigh. "What’d Leo tell you?"
"Just that you took off and he was worried."
"He has a kid," I say bluntly, and it burns coming off my tongue.
"Okay? I’m assuming you are just finding out about this?"
"Yeah. She’s five. He’s never seen her. But her mom just passed away and Leo’s on deck." I shrug at how simplistic yet sad my explanation sounds.
"Shit," he breathes.
"Pretty much," I say, chewing the inside of my lip.
"So you guys going to take her?"
"There’s no you guys anymore. I basically told him to go to hell."
"Jesus, Sarah. Since when do you have something against kids?"
"Since my fiancé has one with another woman," I answer matter-of-factly.
"Ah, so you’re jealous." He points out the obvious, and I can’t say that he’s wrong.
"Maybe a little. I’m also just pissed that he never bothered to mention this to me. We were supposed to be getting married in a few weeks, Caleb. Now, he’s going down to Texas tomorrow morning to pick up his daughter. Where does that leave me?"
"You?" he questions loudly and it echoes through the night.
"Yes. Me," I confirm.
"Sarah, I’m going to be really honest here. I think you sound like a bitch who has her head stuck up her ass."
I swing my head to face him, shocked that he would be such a dick. Well, that is until I remember who I’m talking to.
"Excuse me." I jump to my feet, dusting the dirt off my jeans. "You have no right to talk to me like that. You don’t know the whole story."
"I don’t need to. You told me the only thing that matters. Leo has a kid who just lost her mother. Honestly, it infuriates me that you two aren’t on a plane tonight. If something happened to Collin, I’d hitchhike across America to get to him if I had to."
"Caleb, it’s not that easy. He never told me about her."
"Well, given the fact that he’s never seen the child, I’m going to assume something else was going on. There’s not a cop in town who doesn’t know Leo spent years in the Witness Protection Program, so I’m going to put two and two together and guess his difficulty in opening up has something to do with that."
I look at the ground and wish I had just gone to Emma. She at least would have sugarcoated the lecture.
"So, tell me this. Did Leo lie to you or did he just decide not to deal with his own shit?" He quirks an eyebrow as my chin begins to quiver.
"He was paying child support," I answer as some sort of proof, but it only supports Caleb’s theory.
"Well, good. That makes me respect him at least."
"He could have told me. How am I supposed to marry a man who just leaves out details this big?"
"As I recall, it took you months to tell him your bullshit. If he didn’t know all about it, you think you would have just dumped it all on him over coffee one day?"
"No, but I sure as shit wouldn’t have proposed to him without telling him everything," I bite out.
Caleb releases a loud sigh. "What’s your gut say? You think he’s some big asshole who purposely duped you or do you think he fucked up big time but really fucking needs you right about now?"
I drop my chin to my chest and fight back the waterworks. "What if there’s more? I feel like I’m in the dark. I hate surprises, and Leo James had been nothing but." I sniffle.
"That’s life, Sarah," he announces. "You’re going to have to learn to roll with the punches or that bitch will beat you down in no time."
"Well aren’t you poetic," I say sarcastically.
"You remember that day Collin was born. You gave me this whole speech about our lives coming full circle. Could this be the point that closes your own circle? You found a man who accepts you for exactly who you are. Now you just have to be willing to do the same."
"Jesus Christ, where the fuck did you come from? Does Emma know you get all deep like this?"
"Nope. And I’d appreciate it if you didn’t mention it." He smirks.
"I don’t know if I can do this."
"Just listen to yourself. You’re more concerned that Leo was dealing with his own issues instead of telling you all about it. I’m not saying he’s right, but I am saying your spat can be dealt with after he gets that little girl somewhere safe. If you are going to commit to being part of Leo’s life, she’s going to need you too."
"Oh my God." I panic when that little realization hits me. "I can’t be someone’s stepmom."
"Good, because now that her real mom is gone, she’s probably going to need more than that."
"Stop!" I shout as my heart begins to race. Surely, Manda of all people would understand if I puked on her grave.
"Okay, okay. How about you just start with supporting Leo and worry about your relationship with the kid later."
I take a few deep breaths. "Yeah, that makes more sense."
"So, should I start cleaning out the guest room for you to move in?" He tosses me his signature smirk.
ONE PHONE call, two plane tickets, and three hours later, I’m halfway to having a daughter. Although I guess in reality I’ve had a daughter for a while now. From what the Department of Child Services in Texas told me, when I arrive tomorrow, it should be an easy process. As her legal father, there isn’t a ton of paperwork to be done or a long, drawn-out custody battle to be won. Basically, I show up and they give me a pink bundle of joy. Or, in my case, knowing her mother, a sassy-mouthed five-year-old.
As soon as Sarah left, I called Emma and let her know that she was gone…again. She didn’t ask any questions and I didn’t provide any answers. I just needed to know that Sarah was safe. She can hate me all she wants, but I love her. That will never change. Deep down, I don’t believe for a single second that things are over for me and Sarah, but that doesn’t make the hole she left behind any less unbearable.
I’m terrified of how I’m going to manage to be a full-time father. I don’t know the first thing about kids. Much less how to deal with one after something as traumatic as losing her mother. I can’t imagine what she has been through for the last week, and that alone has managed to snap me out of my usual doom-and-gloom spiral. For once since my life changed, I feel like I’m actually doing the right thing. No matter how much it scares me.
After packing a small bag, I try to call Sarah one last time. She’s been gone for just over five hours and I ache for her already. I didn’t lie to her when I proposed. We’re better together. Alone, the what-ifs become overwhelming and tomorrows seem impossible, but with one embrace, she makes even the most difficult parts of life seem manageable. While I don’t want her to fix this for me, I’d give anything to just have her at my side while I navigate the winding path to right the wrong.
I head for the shower with only the visions of blue eyes and blond hair preventing me from breaking down completely. As I stand in front of the mirror, I take a hard look at the same man I saw this morning, but for some reason, I now no longer recognize him. Let’s just hope that’s a good thing.
Tomorrow’s a big day, and I’m completely exhausted. I wrap a towel around my waist and head into my room with big plans for a date with the backs of my eyelids. I don’t make it two steps into the room before I’m suddenly very awake.
Sitting in the dark on the edge of my bed is the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. Her cheeks are tear stained, but her shoulders are squared and confident.
"Ángel," I
breathe.
"You let me down, Leo. You took the trust that I gave you and made me regret it once again."
"I know. I—" I start, but she quickly interrupts me.
"Shut up. Let me talk."
I take a step closer, desperate to feel the comfort only Sarah can give me, but I stop when she lifts a hand.
"And don’t even think about touching me."
"Okay." I grab the back of my neck to still my hands, which obviously did not understand her words.
"I’m pissed. And hurt—so fucking hurt. I hate that you didn’t trust me enough to open up to me about something as big as a child. But I get it. You’re right. I would have tried to make you reach out to her. So, for that, I’m sorry."
"Sarah, please don’t—"
"Shut. Up." She silences me again. "It’s who I am and I know it’s overbearing and probably annoying as hell. That’s me and I’m sorry to say it, Leo, but I’m probably always going to be like that."
"I don’t want you to be anyone else," I whisper, taking another step forward.
She stands up and backs away to maintain the distance between us. "After the accident, I used to cry myself to sleep, wishing someone could fix me. I actually used to dream about this hero rushing in to save me and magically making all the static in my mind silent." She laughs to herself. "But no matter how much everyone around me tried, that person never came. Finally, I was forced to fix myself, and it fucking sucked. It was grueling, and it took so much goddamn blood, sweat, and tears to get me where I am today. So when I see you struggle, it breaks me all over again. It transports me back to how hopeless I used to feel. I have this ingrained need to make things easier for you because, in turn, it heals me as well.
"You have told me a million times that I saved you, but I disagree. With one simple, ‘Hi. I’m Leo James,’ you rescued me. You shattered my force field and magically began repairing parts of me I didn’t even know were broken."
"Please let me touch you," I beg as her words pierce through me.
"Not yet," she answers simply.
It’s only the fact that she said yet that keeps me rooted in place.
"Leo, you showed me that crazy is the new normal and that it shouldn’t hurt to breathe. With one stroke of your fingers across my neck, you make the entire crazy world disappear. That savior I dreamed about may not have looked like you, but I have absolutely no doubt that it was always you. And I think the part I still can’t get over is that I never in a million years could have imagined being able to help you too."
Tears begin to slide down her cheeks, and every drop of moisture is like a knife to my gut.
"So, back to my point. I’m pissed. Like, fucking pissed, but I have a sneaking suspicion that, if the tables were turned, you wouldn’t have batted an eye at my omission. You would have brushed it off, pulled me into your chest, and figured out a way to take on the whole goddamn world if that’s what I needed. So here I am."
"Sarah," I breathe as emotions spring to my eyes.
"I have some terms though."
I nod in understanding.
"One, I want you to start anti-depressants. Like, tonight. We’ve never talked about what your hangups are with medication, but I’m not budging. You can’t be going dark with a child in the house. And if a pill helps you manage things a little better, then, Goddamn it, I’m going to start lacing your lunch if I have to."
"Okay," I quickly agree. I may not like it, but she’s right.
"Tonight, Leo. Erica’s a doctor, right? Get her to call you in something. Then, when we get back, you can go see someone for a full regimen. I know the next few days are going to be rough, and I can’t have you withdrawing into your head."
"Okay," I repeat as my heart begins to swell at the possibilities.
"Two, I need you to accept my apology for flipping out earlier. I wasn’t focusing on the right part of the issue. But you have to stop surprising me with shit. I do a really bad job at processing it."
"Okay," I agree once again as a smile starts to creep across my lips.
"And three, I want my ring back."
And that’s it. There is nothing in the world that can keep me from touching her for even a second longer. With three giant steps, I rush across the room and crush her into my arms.
I hold her tighter than I ever thought was possible. I’m wishing I never had to leave this moment where everything is right. However, knowing that Sarah will be at my side for the next twenty-four hours doesn’t seem so hard.
It actually seems easy.
"We need to buy plane tickets," she whispers.
"I already did." I lean away to catch her eye.
"For both of us?"
"Yep. I wasn’t sure when to make the return flight, so for now, they are just one way."
"Wow. I’m that transparent, huh?" She leans her neck to the side, silently asking for a kiss.
"No, I just had big plans of kidnapping you. I bought the chloroform, zip ties, and everything," I say, trailing wet kisses up her neck as she rewards me with the most amazing laugh, which I swear I can feel all the way down to the marrow in my bones.
"No chloroform necessary, but hang on to those zip ties. We can probably think of a use for them later." She smiles.
Yeah. I can do this.
"YOU READY?" I ask for the ninth time since we arrived at the Department of Child Services in Texas.
Leo quickly shakes his head and begins pacing again. He’s squeezing my hand, dragging me along with him. I’m sure we look ridiculous, but I can’t bring myself to care.
We arrived in El Paso bright and early this morning and drove straight here. Leo received a voicemail while we were in the air that let him know that the Avilas had already dropped Liv off and left. This led to a loud rant in the middle of baggage claim about what assholes they are. Since every other word was a curse, I tried to quietly remind him that we were in public. The only way I knew he had even heard me is that he switched to Spanish. We were in a Texas airport just minutes from the Mexico border, so I’m not sure how much good it did, but at least I tried.
Most of the morning, Leo’s mood was all over the place. He was convinced that she was better off without him, and I tried to reassure him that he was wrong. Then he got emotional thinking about all the time he missed only to swing to anger at Amy for having turned to drugs. I could barely keep up. I’ve been so preoccupied with worrying about Leo that I haven’t even had a chance to stress myself out about becoming a kinda-sorta parent as well. She might be Leo’s child, but Caleb was right. I’m going to have to step up and be more than just an every-other-weekend type of stepmom. Oh. Shit.
"Um. I think I’m going to puke," I say with a quiver in my voice.
Leo stops and turns to look at me. I must have a serious case of crazy eyes, because he immediately switches gears and pulls me into a hug.
"Jesus Christ. Aren’t we a fucking pair?" Leo whispers into my ear, rubbing his stubble against my cheek. "She’s a little girl, not a T-Rex. Let’s go in there. I’m just going to keep working myself up into a frenzy out here, and now I’m starting to take you down with me. Only one of us is allowed to have an anxiety attack at a time." He kisses the top of my head and I melt into his arms.
Sucking in a deep breath, I look up into his eyes. "I love you. I know this is scary, but we can do this." I try to be encouraging for both of us.
"Yeah. We can." He smiles sincerely.
"But you have to stop cussing," I scold.
He starts laughing, pulling me even tighter against his chest. With one brief kiss, he releases me and takes my hand before guiding me to the front door.
"Hi. I’m Leo James. I’m here to pick up my daughter," he says, and I have a feeling he says it more for himself than the receptionist.
"Mr. James." A thin woman with long, black hair and a warm smile makes her way from around the desk. "I’m Suzanne Moore. We spoke on the phone earlier. It’s nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you as well. This i
s my fiancée, Sarah Erickson," he introduces us while curling me tight against his side.
"Well, you two can come on back. I have a couple of forms for you to sign. Then I’ll take you to meet Liv."
"Can I see her first?" Leo asks, surprising me. "Yeah, I’d really just like to meet her now. Please," he rushes out.
"Um. Sure. Right this way."
Leo takes in a deep breath and pauses for only a second before grabbing my hand and following her down the long hallway. When we reach the door to a conference room, Suzanne gives us one last glance before swinging the door open and walking in ahead of us.
"Hey, Liv," she greets a gorgeous little girl with dark-brown hair and chocolate-brown eyes I would recognize anywhere.
"Hi," she responds quietly as her eyes flip to Leo then to me.
I feel Leo’s entire body tense at my side as he squeezes my hand painfully hard. I try to nudge him to get him to say something, but when I look up, I know not a single word is going to come from his mouth. It’s all he can do to fight back the tears that are sparkling in his eyes.
"Hi, Liv. My name’s Sarah, and this is your dad, Leo." I yank on his hand and he finally manages a smile and wave.
She nods as her eyes flash back and forth between Leo and the social worker, rarely landing on me.
"So. Mr. James. How about that paperwork now?" Suzanne interrupts when Leo fails to utter a single syllable.
"Yeah," he says quickly, offering Liv a tight smile before exiting from the room.
"I’ll be right back," I tell the obviously uncomfortable little girl before following Leo out the door. I find him leaning against the wall with his head in his hands. "You okay?" I ask, rubbing a hand up his back.
"I always thought she would look like Amy. I know it’s stupid. I’m her dad, but it never really occurred to me how much she would look like my family. This is just so fucking surreal." He scrubs his hands over his face.
"Okay. I need you to put on your big-boy pants for just a minute," I say teasingly, and he gives me an unamused glare. "She’s scared, Leo. She’s about to leave with two people she doesn’t know from Adam. I know this is emotional for you, and we can hash all of that out later tonight. For now, I need you to pack it down."
