by Brenda Novak
“I love you,” he said.
For a second, Grace felt the worst kind of panic. She wanted to fight for him, promise him anything that would make him change his mind. But he deserved someone who was madly in love with him, who would marry him without reservation and who would enjoy the physical aspect of the relationship far more than she did.
“I love you, too,” she admitted.
“Grace?”
He said her name with such doubt she fought a second impulse to capitalize on it. “You’re doing the right thing,” she said briskly and hung up.
Kennedy had heard the phone ring, the whispering and then the zipper of Grace’s tent. He knew she was going somewhere. He guessed it was to the bathroom. But if she’d taken the flashlight he’d given her for that purpose, she didn’t turn it on. And when she walked away, it wasn’t in the direction of the Port-a-Potties, which were several campsites to their left.
Was she sneaking off to search for the Bible he’d stuck in the glove compartment of his Explorer? He probably would’ve let her go, but he didn’t think that was it. Something had happened during that phone call. He hadn’t heard enough to follow the whole conversation, but he suspected Grace was upset.
He listened to her footsteps recede. She seemed to be heading down to the lake.
Being careful not to wake the children, he slipped out of his sleeping bag, pulled on a pair of jeans and hurried after her. He felt reluctant to invade her privacy, but he wanted to make sure she was okay.
Following at a distance, he hung back in the trees when she got to the beach. Once she passed into the moonlight, he realized she was dressed in a bathing suit and planned to go into the water.
At that point, he almost stopped her. The weather had cooled. She’d freeze when she got out….
But then he saw her dash a hand across her face and thought maybe she needed the solitude.
Without a moment’s hesitation, she waded into the water and plunged below the surface as though seeking oblivion.
Kennedy held his own breath until she came up for air, but he didn’t feel much better when she began to swim hell-bent for the middle of the lake.
Eventually, she turned toward shore and he started to relax. But she didn’t get out as he expected. Before she reached shallow water, she flipped around and glided out even farther.
“Shit.” Shoving his hands in his pockets to help combat the chill, he shifted anxiously on his feet. He didn’t want her in that big lake alone. The dark of night made the water look more like ink, and most of the time he could barely see her. What if she went under and didn’t reappear? How would he ever find her?
He yearned to go in after her, but her grief seemed so profound. He knew she wouldn’t welcome the intrusion. Maybe someone else could help her, but he was the last person she’d want as a witness to her pain.
She’ll get out soon, he told himself. But the minutes ticked by and she didn’t show any signs of slowing down.
She had to be exhausted. Not to mention half-frozen.
He couldn’t take it anymore. Striding down to the water’s edge, he cupped his hands around his mouth. “Grace!”
At the sound of his voice, she stopped. He was pretty sure she saw him standing there, waving for her to get out. But it didn’t do any good. A moment later, she continued swimming in the opposite direction.
“What the hell?” He almost called out a second time, but if she wouldn’t listen, there wasn’t any point. Besides, he might wake the boys and the other campers.
Nearly ripping his faded jeans in his rush to get them off, he tossed them on the sand. He was wearing only a pair of boxer briefs, but he didn’t care about modesty. He couldn’t see Grace at all.
The cold jolt of the water stole his breath as he dashed into it. Ignoring the sharp sting, he dived under. She was coming in whether she wanted to or not.
His lungs burned as he forced himself to go as far as he could without air. Finally he surfaced and began swimming freestyle. After several minutes, he stopped to get his bearings and heard her splashing not far ahead of him. Obviously, she knew he was coming and didn’t want him to catch up. But Kennedy wasn’t convinced she could make it back without him. Not after swimming so long already.
With a silent curse, he concentrated on closing the gap between them. By the time he reached her, her movements were growing sluggish. She was tired—and hurting somehow. But fear for her safety made him angry.
“What the hell are you doing?” he shouted, grabbing hold of her ankle and dragging her toward him.
“G-go away!” she gurgled, flailing her arms in the water.
He wiped the droplets from his face. “You’re going to drown us both!”
She struggled to keep her head up. “I d-didn’t ask you t-to come out here.”
There wasn’t anything to be gained by arguing. They needed to get back before she was completely spent. Circling her waist with one arm, he began towing her to shore.
“Let go of me,” she said, trying to tear herself away. “I d-don’t need y-you.”
“You need me more than you think,” he responded. “Quit fighting.”
“L-leave me alone, and—and go b-back to your k-kids.”
Her teeth were chattering so badly he could hardly understand her. “I’m not leaving you anywhere.”
She pried at his fingers. “K-Kennedy.”
He squeezed tighter. He needed her to understand how determined he was, before she exhausted his strength, too. “Relax. You’re along for the ride.”
She went limp, and he suspected she was actually grateful for an excuse to give in.
Kennedy could touch bottom long before Grace could. Breathing heavily, he stood at the earliest opportunity and pulled her against his chest, wanting to make sure he hadn’t drowned her in his efforts to save her. “Hey,” he said, his voice gentle now that he knew she wasn’t going to disappear in the lake. “What’s wrong? What happened tonight?”
She didn’t answer, and he couldn’t tell whether it was lake water or tears that rolled down her cheeks. “Who was on the phone?” he asked.
“No one,” she said, shaking violently. He hugged her close. They were cold, but they’d be far colder once they left the water.
Although she stiffened at the contact, he ignored that, too, because he wanted to comfort her.
Surprisingly, as soon as his bare stomach touched hers, she wrapped her legs around his waist and grabbed on as a child would. She even buried her face in his neck.
“You’re okay,” he said, tightening his arms around her.
They didn’t speak for several minutes, but she slowly stopped shaking. After a while, she lifted her head. “Why are we camping together, Kennedy?” she asked. “Why did you bring me here?”
He couldn’t help letting his gaze drift to her lips. He’d brought her because of the reverend’s Bible. He had a decision to make. But he was fascinated with her, too. “I don’t know,” he said. “You—you get to me somehow.”
She shook her head. “No. I’m no good for you. For your own sake, keep your distance.” She tried to swim away, but he caught her easily enough.
“I’ll decide what’s best for me, Grace.”
Their stomachs touched again, and so did their bare legs and arms. “But you don’t know what you’re getting into.”
Considering her possible past, he supposed she was right. But she already mattered more to him than any uneasiness he felt about that. “I’m a big boy,” he told her. “I think I can handle it.”
“You don’t understand—”
“Shh…” He didn’t want to hear any more. Silencing her the quickest way he knew how, he rubbed his lips lightly against hers. In Stillwater, he’d told her he wouldn’t touch her, but he hadn’t expected her to take a swim in the middle of the night. Now that he had her in his arms, he couldn’t seem to let go. Especially after she closed her eyes and parted her lips, as if she wanted him to give her a real kiss.
Ta
king her bottom lip in his mouth, he slid his tongue very deliberately against hers. He longed to slip his hand under the elastic of her bikini while he was kissing her, to press a finger deep inside her at the same time. But he had to be careful or he’d ruin whatever was happening between them. The way Grace made him feel wasn’t anything he wanted to lose. She was the first woman he’d desired since Raelynn.
Slowly, the tension in Grace’s body eased, and she opened her mouth wider. Her response made every muscle in his body grow taut with hope and expectation. “I knew you’d taste as sweet as honey,” he told her.
She frowned in confusion.
“What is it?” he murmured.
“You just kissed me as if…”
“What?”
“As if I mattered to you,” she finished.
He winced at the thought that she’d find it so hard to believe. “You do matter to me,” he said.
She tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let her. “Don’t,” he said.
She scowled. “This isn’t good.”
“Are you kidding? It’s the best thing I’ve felt in a long time.”
At the hoarse quality in his voice, her eyes locked with his. “I know what you want,” she whispered.
He brought his forehead to hers. “All I want is to hear you say you like this, too.”
“No.”
“You won’t say it? Or you don’t like it?”
“I don’t like it.”
He studied her, measured the feel of her body against his. “You’re lying. Fortunately I can always tell.”
“You don’t know anything.”
“You don’t have to be afraid of me, Grace. I won’t hurt you.”
“I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid of me.”
“Why?”
Her demeanor changed instantly. “If I give you what you want, will you leave me alone?”
He could think of scarcely anything except getting rid of the scraps of fabric between them. He was rock-hard and breathing heavily. But he could tell she was looking for any excuse to write him off, and he wasn’t about to hand her one.
Ignoring her question, he said, “Let’s get you warm and dry,” and began carrying her to shore.
She tried to stop him. “No. Let’s finish this. Put it behind us.”
“Maybe someday. Not now.”
She lifted his hand to her breast, and his fingers curled instinctively around the soft flesh. “See? There you go. That’s what you’re after. I’ll give it to you. Right here.”
There was something reckless, even dangerous about her. Kennedy wanted to make love, but he knew her offer wasn’t as straightforward as it appeared.
“And then what?” he asked hesitantly.
“Then nothing. It’s over. You go brag to your friends, tell everyone in town they were right about me. Do whatever you want. But you have to promise you’ll never contact me again.”
With a grimace, he pulled his hand away. “Sorry, not interested.”
“Still too good for me?” she taunted.
He caught his breath as she wrapped her legs around him and thrust her pelvis convincingly against him. She was after something. But it definitely wasn’t sex. She wanted to diffuse the tension between them and move on. The question was why. The past? The present? Fear of intimacy? Fear of reprisal?
“Too good?” he echoed, laughing mirthlessly. “What’s wrong, Grace? Feeling threatened?”
She immediately released him and started to tread water. “Of course not. I’m just looking for any angle to get my stepfather’s Bible back.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“I think you’re afraid you might actually like me if you gave yourself half a chance.”
“I’ve always liked you,” she said. “Who hasn’t?”
He knew how she’d felt about him years ago. Was it possible those feelings hadn’t completely disappeared? “You have a strange way of showing it,” he said.
“And you have children to worry about. I’m the last person you should spend your time with. Take what you want from me, return the Bible, and that’ll be the end of it.”
“Oh, now I understand,” he said.
“What?”
“You’re willing to give me a quickie here in the lake so you can prove to yourself that’s all I was after, is that it? Then you can convince yourself I’m the bastard you always thought I was.”
“If that’s the case, you should be damn glad of it.” She sounded slightly panicked. “You’re the one who’d benefit.”
He resumed pulling her to shore. “No, thanks.”
“Listen to me.”
“No. You feel bad about something, and you’re trying to make yourself feel even worse. But I won’t allow you to use me to do it.”
“Why do you care how I feel? What I think?” When she couldn’t wrench her wrist away, she splashed water at him.
He turned his face in the other direction, but he wasn’t about to let her go. No way would he risk having her swim back into the middle of the lake.
“Come on, Kennedy, I’m Grinding Gracie, remember? What was it Joe said at the pizza parlor? For a smile, I’ll spread my legs? Well, this time I’m not asking for even that much.”
“Stop it,” he snapped. “What happened in high school makes me sick.” He kept pulling her along.
“You afraid I’ll tell someone about the two of us? That it’ll ruin your spotless reputation if other people find out you wanted to get down and dirty with me?”
“I’m not worried about that.”
“So what’s wrong? Why the hesitation?”
“Maybe I don’t like your terms.”
“You don’t want to give me the Bible?”
“It has nothing to do with the Bible.”
“Then what terms?” she repeated in disbelief. “I said no strings attached. For a guy like you, how does an offer get any better than that?”
He whirled to confront her. “For a guy like me? You don’t even know me! We’re not in high school anymore, Grace.”
“You think I don’t know that?”
“I think it’s hard for you to forget.” He flung the wet hair out of his eyes. “And I hate that I’m part of the reason.”
“If you don’t want me, go on about your business.” She could finally touch bottom. Using her newfound traction, she wriggled out of his grasp, but he turned around so fast her eyes widened.
Instinctively, she stepped back as his gaze wandered hungrily over her face, her mouth, her mostly bare shoulders.
“I want you all right.” He untied the fabric of her bikini top, which fell down to reveal what he’d seen in the window, and dreamed about ever since. Still, he didn’t touch her there. Lifting her chin with one finger, he brushed his lips over hers once again. “But it’s not sex I’m after,” he murmured. “I want to make love to you, Grace. In case you haven’t learned it yet, there’s a difference.”
She didn’t move, didn’t speak.
He raised his head. “Now, if you’re not back in your tent in five minutes, I’m taking that damn Bible to the police. Understood?”
Without waiting for an answer, he let her go. Then he left the water and marched off toward camp because he knew that if he stayed another second he’d take anything she was willing to give him, even if it wasn’t everything he wanted.
11
Grace sat on the shore and stared out at the lake, not quite sure what had happened a few minutes earlier. She’d left her tent in a torrent of pain and somehow wound up in the water with Kennedy Archer, experiencing the very desire she couldn’t summon for George. How could her life be so perverse?
Closing her eyes, she remembered the warm thrust of his tongue, the pressure of his erection as she tightened her legs around him. The memory alone caused goose bumps to rise on her arms. If only she could feel that for George, maybe she’d have a shot at happiness….
But Kennedy?
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“No,” she muttered and buried her face in her hands. She was shivering uncontrollably, but she embraced the cold, hoping its razor-like edge would remind her that she could never trust him, never believe that he might really care about her. She was so different from Raelynn, whom he’d idolized. And she was painfully aware of what she’d done with most of his friends. If she couldn’t forgive herself for those incidents, how could she expect him to forgive her? They shouldn’t even be seen together. His family would hate her. And she couldn’t be any more honest with him about the events of eighteen years ago than she could with George. The truth, if it came out, could destroy him as well as her.
But it was his two sons who worried her most. What if they began to care about her?
Resting her forehead on her knees, she wrapped her arms tightly around her legs and tried to stop shaking long enough to figure out what to do. She was tempted to leave town immediately, head right back to the big city. But George needed her out of his life, and her family needed her in Stillwater.
“Grace, come back to camp,” Kennedy said from somewhere behind her, and she realized he hadn’t gone to bed as she’d assumed.
She shook her head in disbelief. He was so responsible. He’d definitely make a good mayor, she thought.
“I’m coming.” She stood, brushed the sand from her legs and met up with him halfway to their campsite. She’d tied her bathing suit on again, but when he looked at her, she still felt exposed, raw, hungry.
It’s not sex I’m after. I want to make love to you, Grace….
What would that be like? For once, she wanted to hold nothing back. With him, she sensed that would be possible.
But she’d never find out.
They walked in silence, without touching. Once she reached her tent, she murmured a good-night and started to go inside, but Kennedy caught her by the wrist.
“Grace?” His voice was a mere whisper.
She looked up to find him wearing an intense expression.
“Do you know what’s inside the reverend’s Bible?”
“Inside it?” she echoed in confusion.
“Did you ever have the chance to read what he wrote?”
