by Latham, D
I felt like the condemned man as I trudged up the drive to the house. Ivan was standing in the doorway, waiting, with the dogs at his feet. As soon as they saw me, they came racing over, desperate to say hello, and have some fuss. I petted them, before glancing up at Ivan. He was wearing just shorts, and was barefoot. He smiled tentatively at me. "Hi baby. Sorry about that voicemail I left. Very bad tempered of me to try and spoil your fun." I shrugged, unsure what to say. Ivan frowned slightly at my mute, unsmiling face. "Come on in. Would you like a coffee? Or would you prefer a cold drink?"
"I'll have a cold drink please. Water's fine." I sat down at the kitchen island, while Ivan poured a glass of chilled water, and opened a bottle of coke for himself. I took a long, cool drink. Ivan sat himself down, and looked at me expectantly.
"You look as though something is eating you alive. Would you like to tell me what's bothering you?"
I took a deep breath. "Yesterday, in Smollenskis, when I went to the ladies. I know what you said about me." I watched his face intently.
He frowned, "what am I meant to have said? You shouldn't trust Paul Lassiter you know." I watched Ivan's eyes widen as I pulled out my iPhone, and found the recording. I pressed play. We both listened to the conversation, Ivan's accented voice was unmistakable. He tried to keep his face impassive, but I saw panic in his eyes, especially at the part about Penny Harrison.
"How did you get this?" Was all he had to say for himself. "Did Lassiter give it to you?"
I shook my head. "I was recording all the information during the meeting for my notes. I forgot to switch it off when I went to the loo. The fact that Paul couldn't look me in the eye when I got back alerted me that something had been said. I typed up all the notes from the meeting, and his recommendations, and put them on your desk on Friday afternoon, if you remember. There's no way anyone could have done that from memory."
He steepled his fingers in front of his mouth, and just stared at me for a minute. "I'm sorry Elle, I don't know what to say."
"I see. I only have one question before I go. Are you prepared to answer one question truthfully for me?"
"Of course."
"Am I really that bad in bed? I need to know." To my complete and utter surprise, he began to laugh. I gave him a hard stare.
"Of course not. Hang on, is this why you went out and got drunk last night?" I didn't reply, I just sat there, stone faced, while he made light of my upset. "Elle, don't be silly. I said that to put him off you. I just didn't want to admit to being your devoted puppy, as Lassiter keeps taunting me about you, saying that you left Golding and you'll do the same to me."
"I'm sorry Ivan, but I don't believe you. Firstly, you didn't even admit that we were an item, second, you were totally disrespectful in a way no man would be to a woman he loved, and third, Penny. Bloody. Harrison." I kept my voice low and controlled. "Please answer my question, was I that bad in bed? It's all I really want to know."
"I can't compete with Golding can I? I always knew you'd go back to him, with his top education, society contacts and vast wealth. He's had everything he's ever wanted from the moment he was born. I wanted to take you from him, have something that he wanted, and he wants you desperately. Lassiter wants you too. I was showing off, pretending I didn't care, that you were just one of many, yet to both of them, you are the grand prize."
"You haven't answered my question. I'm not interested in your excuses, just that one question." I held Ivan's gaze.
"The truth is that I'm in love with you, and I'm terrified of losing you. I'm aware that out of the three of us, I'm neither the wealthiest, or the best educated. I'm not as perceptive as Lassiter or as knowledgeable as Oscar. The only thing I had that they were both desperate for was you, so I made out it was no big deal, that you were nothing special, that I had other women too. It was basically a pissing contest, and the most stupid thing I've ever done."
"Answer the question."
He scrubbed his hands over his face. "You know you're not boring in bed. Did you honestly think you were?"
"Yes, I did. Thank you for telling me what I needed to hear. I'll be off now."
"Don't go," he looked panicked, "we need to talk, I need to make it up to you."
"The best thing you can do is make sure this doesn't damage my career."
He frowned. "Why would it do that?"
"Because I've left you. All I ask is that you don't move to another law firm until after I've left Pearson Hardwick. I don't want this tainting my career."
"You don't need to do that. I won't move law firms all the time you're there. Look, this is all my fault, and I don't want you to suffer for it, so don't do anything you'll regret." He looked contrite and rather sad.
"I don't want to stay in Canary Wharf. I'm planning to go back into the city. I'm probably going to have to move, so I may as well have a clean break."
"Move? Why?"
There was no way I was admitting the real reason. "My flatmate is back with his ex, and it's a bit awkward being around them. It's about time I bought my own place rather than living like a student in a flatshare."
"I see, you seem to have made a lot of decisions. What about Oscar? Where does he fit into this?"
"He doesn't. Between the two of you, you've made me the most miserable I've ever been in my entire life. I want out, to get away from all this. Oh, and can you stop tracking my phone please, or I'll change my number."
"Elle, it doesn't have to be like this. Please don't give up on us. I know I make mistakes, but you know how I feel about you. I'll even beg you, please don't make all these changes, give it a little time. Let me prove how much I feel for you, please." If I didn't know better, I'd say he looked like he was about to cry.
"I'd better go. I need to get back to London."
"You only just got here. At least stay for lunch, or a walk in the woods with the girls." He looked anxious. "If you leave me because you don't feel for me, then so be it, but let’s at least try and stay friends, and colleagues. We work so incredibly well together, we should at least try and preserve that."
I thought about it. "I don't know if I can do that. At the moment I can hardly bear to look at you. I mean, how would you feel if you heard me telling someone you were crap in bed, had a small dick, and I had to get it off Oscar to keep me satisfied?"
"I'd be devastated, I know I would, but I'd also know that I don't really have a small dick, and I made you come every time we made love. I'd trust what I know deep down."
"What about Penny Harrison?"
"She was the one that Roger delivered home the night you left Oscar. I've not seen her since. That's the truth. She's tried to call me at the office, but Galina filters my calls. She gave up calling my mobile after I didn't answer it when she phoned. I only said I was still seeing her because she's famous, and it would piss Lassiter off." He looked sincere, and contrite.
"You really are a tosser sometimes."
"Yeah, I know."
We walked through the woods in silence, a large, physical gap between us, in stark contrast to previous walks, in which we'd held hands, or Ivan had draped his arm round my shoulders. The girls seemed blissfully unaware, darting through the trees, sniffing everything there was to sniff. I began to wonder why Ivan had asked me to accompany him, given that he appeared to be sulking. It was lovely and cool under the trees, and the scents of the forest began to permeate, relaxing me. I felt my hands unclench, and my shoulders drop.
Ivan broke the silence. "You're starting to relax, I can see it."
"I couldn't have been more uptight if I'd tried. I know I'm an uptight person at the best of times."
"Not really, well maybe in your professional life, but that's how a lawyer should be. Uptight women don't have multiple orgasms, or let anyone stick a butt plug in them." I blushed as he said it. He'd seen, and played with, the most intimate parts of me. Mind you, I'd done the same to him.
"I don't know if you and I can just be colleagues, after everything that's passed between u
s. I know I'd struggle seeing you with your next girlfriend, and I suspect you'd get arsy about seeing me with another man. A clean break is sometimes better."
"I don't want you changing your life, moving away, just because I behave like a dickhead at times. I should never have said those terrible things, and it was just my ego, and my inferiority complex talking." He paused. "It would rip me apart seeing you with another man, especially Oscar, but I would understand. He's a decent man, and he's been true to you all along, although, in a way, you've been true to him. I still don't know why you left him."
But he's not you, I wanted to scream. "I need some time away from both of you. I care very much for Oscar, love him as a friend, but I'm not in love with him. As for you, yes, I'm in love with you, but I don't really like you very much, especially now."
"Apart from the obvious, why don't you like me?"
I thought for a moment, "because you are controlling, a male chauvinist, because you treat me like a bloke. You generally assume I can be bought off with a shopping trip, and you make sulking an Olympic sport."
"But apart from that?" He smirked, which made me laugh.
"I think it's time to let go of this so called inferiority complex. You're a beautiful billionaire Ivan, women fall at your feet, and men wish they were you. The poverty stricken peasant immigrant is long gone. It's time to stop using it as an excuse."
"I could say the same to you. You behave as though you expect to be dumped at any moment, and you believed I'd have an affair with some dumb actress. None of us see you as the little working class girl that you seem to think you are. When I look at you, I see an extremely intelligent, and highly accomplished woman, with an iron will, all wrapped up in a feminine and sensual body. As an added plus, you don't have a mean bone in you, which is rare in such an ambitious person." He paused, "I do appreciate your qualities you know."
"It didn't sound like it on that recording. You made me sound prissy, boring, and deluded."
"I know. I'm really, truly sorry."
"There's another problem now of course."
"Go on."
"I don't think I could sleep with you again, without a little voice in my head whispering that I was boring, and all the other things."
"That really got to you, didn't it? So despite me admitting I was lying, you still believe I was telling the truth?" I nodded. "I'll have to find a way to change that. I can't bear the thought of never touching you again, of never having this," he waved his hand to indicate the dogs, and the woods, "again." I knew what he meant, our weekends together had a magical quality for both of us. We were best friends, soul mates, and I was going to walk away.
"I need to go." I said. I turned to walk back to the house. Ivan didn't say a word.
I collected my handbag and phone from the kitchen, and walked through to the front door. "Do you need a lift back to London?" I shook my head.
"I'll give Oscar a call when I'm outside. He invited me to lunch at Conniscliffe."
"Is there anything I can do to change your mind, or fix this?"
"No. I don't think there is."
"So be it. Are you still going to meet me Monday morning to see these Americans?"
"If you want me to."
"Yes. I want it very much. Ten, in my office? Is that ok?"
"See you then." I turned and walked down the drive before either of us could say any more. It took every ounce of willpower I possessed not to turn around and fling myself at him, and let him kiss away my misery. Instead, I faced front, and kept walking, until the gates were behind me.
I wandered along the lane outside for about a quarter of a mile, before pulling out my phone and calling Oscar to pick me up. Ten minutes later, the Range Rover pulled up alongside me, and I hopped in. "How was it?" Oscar asked.
"Basically, as you and Paul predicted. Said he'd lied to show off. I don't really want to talk about it if that's ok."
"Sure. Have you had lunch yet?"
"No, not yet."
"How about a nice lunch, then a long walk around the gardens? They're looking fabulous right now. No hosepipe ban this year."
"Sounds good." I sank into the seat of the car, relieved that I'd faced up to Ivan, and found out the truth of his betrayal. I still regretted leaving behind the red ball gown though.
After a lovely lunch, Oscar and I toured the gardens. The white garden had taken on a softer, more billowing appearance. "This is really at its best in May and June. It's gone over a bit now. The long borders are at their best this time of year though." He led me through the rose arch, along some yew lined walkways, and into a dazzling flower display, shown off by a backdrop of immaculate hedges. "This part is designed for high summer. The flowers all timed to come out together. I'm glad you got the chance to see it at its best."
"It's stunning." Tall spires of flowers punctuated blowsy bright yellow daisies, and the whole effect was a riot of hot, bright colours. Bees buzzed around happily, giving the effect of one of those timeless summer days of childhood. I wanted to lay down on the grass, and just while away the day.
"You look much happier," observed Oscar. "I've been quite worried about you lately."
"I feel....freer, sad, but liberated. Mind you, it would be impossible to be sad for long in such a beautiful place."
"Oh I don't know, I've sat in here and been depressed many times. It usually depends on what you're used to. To me, this place is just home."
"Yeah, I forget that sometimes, it's grander than the castles I visited on school trips, so I sort of treat it like a museum I'm visiting, and really, it's just where you relax and chill."
"When I was a child, I think I explored every inch of this castle. It was a magical place to grow up. I found secret rooms, a priest hole, all sorts of things. If I ever have children, I want that childhood for them, that's why I work so hard to preserve Conniscliffe."
"I can understand that." Marriage and a family with Oscar would represent an easy life. He was kind and gentle, with ingrained good manners, and a proven sense of loyalty and decency. Idly, I wondered if his odd tendencies could be cured with a vibrating butt plug.
"You have a strange look on your face, what's going through your head?" I blushed. Why does every thought I ever have show on my face?
"Nothing much." He gave me a searching look.
"So what are your plans for the rest of the weekend?"
"I thought I'd head back to London. I have a stack of work to do by Monday, I need to go to the gym, and sleep off my overindulgence last night."
"You're welcome to stay here you know."
"That's really kind of you, but I have a lot to do at home, and I also need to see James, if he's home tonight that is." Oscar looked quizzical. "His ex has been in touch, wants him back. I think he will. Might mean I have to move out. Threes a crowd and all that. Besides, it's about time I bought a place of my own. Does Goldings do mortgages?"
"You don't need a mortgage, I'll give you the money for an apartment."
"I couldn't possibly accept that, you know that."
"Alright, I'll give you the money, and you can pay me back if you get bonuses. Say 10% of your bonus each year? I won't charge you interest."
"That's incredibly kind of you. How much should I look to spend on a flat?"
"I don't know, up to five mil maybe? If you can get what you want for that. If you need more, just ask."
"I'll add flat hunting onto my list of jobs to do. Ivan's talked me out of leaving Pearson Hardwick, promised me that he won't move to another firm unless I leave."
"That's something, I suppose. You're a bit new into the job to move just yet I would've thought. That in itself might have damaged your career....does that mean you'll look nearby for an apartment?"
"Yes, if I can. I do love living there. It's very convenient for everything, plus it satisfies my 'wanting to live in the city' thing, without having to live somewhere old or rickety."
Oscar glanced up at the castle, "I quite like old and rickety." He laughe
d at my embarrassment at having insulted his uber grand country pad. "I know what you mean, don't worry. I love my flat. Love that I don't keep having to fix things, and it looks great with modern furnishings. Don't get me wrong, Conniscliffe is where my heart is, but it's quite nice sometimes to not be surrounded by priceless antiques."
I returned to London later that afternoon, arriving home around six, to find James had cooked a meal for Janine, and the two of them making doe eyes at each other. I felt a strange pang of jealousy, and wished that I'd stayed at Conniscliffe. Instead, I took my laptop to my room, and got on with some work. I also rang Lucy, and invited her to the awards bash the following Saturday. She was delighted, as the tickets were pretty much reserved for the partners, and a few high flyers from corporate, so as a family law specialist, she hadn't even had a look-in.
I had just got into writing up a complicated invoice when Ivan rang. "Hi Elle, just thought I'd check that you were ok."
"Yeah, I'm alright. Just doing some work."
"Why are you working on a Saturday night? You sound sad."
"My flatmates girlfriend's here, so I had to get out of the way. Threes a crowd and all that. I can't spend the entire evening in the bath."
"I wish you were here." Ivan spoke softly, not in his phone sex voice, but nearer his 'daddy' voice that he usually reserved for the girls.
"Do you?"
"Of course I do. I miss you terribly. Do you remember our very first Sunday together? I loved it, and that was before we became a couple." I thought back to that day, the easy rapport we had, and the discovery that Ivan was as normal and nice as a Russian billionaire could possibly be, and that he had spaniels.
"Yeah, it was nice, uncomplicated."
"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"Flat hunting. I think I need to move out of here. I'm going to see if I can view some apartments."
"Whereabouts? You're not moving away are you?" He sounded concerned.
"No. If you're not pulling your account, I'm going to stay put. I'm going to look at apartments in this area. I like it here."
"Do you need me to help you out financially?"
"No. But thank you for the offer." I wasn't going to let on that Oscar was lending me the money for a flat.
