by Claire Adams
“He was forced to grow up fast,” she observed softly.
“I suppose he was.” I nodded. “It wasn’t until I was sitting in my cell that I really allowed myself to think about him. Can you imagine, going years without speaking to a sibling?”
“Right now, I can,” Megan said. “But my situation is a little different to yours. We may both have brothers in jail for the same crime, but I never respected or admired Brent like you did with Paul.”
I paused. This was the first time we were discussing Brent, and I could tell from Megan’s tone that there was a lot there that she hadn’t told me. I hadn’t even asked if her parents knew about Brent. I hadn’t asked her if she was planning on visiting him. The questions were all on the tip of my tongue, but Megan spoke before I got the chance to voice any of them.
“You feel guilty, don’t you,” Megan asked. “About not having visited Paul in so long?”
“Guiltier than you can imagine,” I said.
“Well, then you have to correct it the only way you can,” Megan said. “Which is to go and see him. It’s better late than never.”
I smiled. “That is exactly what I’m planning on doing,” I said. “I’m going to New York this coming Sunday.”
“I’m proud of you,” she said immediately. “This trip can’t be easy for you to make on your own.”
“It’s not,” I admitted. “Which is why…”
“Yes?” she prompted, when I trailed off.
“Well… I suppose the whole reason I called was to ask if you would come with me,” I said. “I know I haven’t given you much notice and—”
“Of course, I’ll come with you,” Megan interrupted me. “I’d be honored to.”
“Thank you,” I said fervently. “I really appreciate this… I couldn’t imagine taking this trip without the support of…a friend.”
Girlfriend had been on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to say it just yet. Friend was the safe option. If Megan noticed it, she didn’t say a word. In fact, she didn’t acknowledge it at all.
“I’ll see you on Sunday then?” she asked.
“I’ll pick you up in the morning,” I said. “Around eleven?”
“Sounds good.”
“Thanks again, Megan,” I said.
“Hey, what are friends for?” she asked.
I couldn’t help but smile.
Megan
Sunday dawned bright and early, and I woke up feeling a little hopeful and very nervous. It had to mean something that Phil had wanted me to come with him. This was a deeply personal trip for him to take and even in light of our strained relationship, the fact that he was still comfortable enough to ask me to join him for support meant that there was still a chance for us—at least, I hoped that’s what it meant.
The sun had barely come up, but I was wide-awake and wired. I made some chicken sandwiches for the road, and then I showered, wrapped a towel around my chest, and walked into the room to pack. I had no idea what kind of clothes to take, mostly because we were making this trip especially to see in inmate in prison. I wasn’t entirely sure which clothes were prison appropriate.
I ended up choosing jeans and a couple of light sweaters and t-shirts. I could mix and match, and in any case, we were only going to be gone for one night. I wondered how things would play out. Would we be sharing a room? If we were sharing a room, would we have twin beds or a queen to share? There were a few questions I had playing in my head, but no way of asking Phil.
Once I was packed, I slipped on jeans and a white t-shirt. Then I pulled on a light beige zip-up and left my hair loose around my shoulders. I stared at myself in the mirror, and even I thought my reflection looked nervous. I walked into the living room and set my bag and the sandwiches near the door. Then I spent the next couple of hours watching television and envisioning all kinds of different scenarios where Phil finally forgave me, and things went back to normal between us.
When eleven o’clock drew near, I walked to the window and stared outside, hoping to see Phil’s car pull up soon. Fifteen minutes later, he showed up, and I rushed to grab everything and head out the door. When I appeared at the front of the building, Phil got out of the car and put my stuff in the trunk. Then we both got in and headed to New York.
The ride was extremely quiet, and that didn’t help my nerves. I glanced at Phil a couple of times, but he seemed too lost in thought to participate in conversation. I decided to leave him to his thoughts. If he wanted to speak, he would. It took us two hours and fifteen minutes to get there, including a small pit stop where we ate the sandwiches I had made for us that morning, and the whole time we had barely said two words to each other. Even though the silence was slightly awkward, at least it wasn’t uncomfortable.
Once we got to New York, Phil parked the car in a large parking lot on the outskirts, so that we could take the subway into the city. We decided to leave our bags and come back to them in the evening when we needed to check into a motel nearby.
“What’s the plan?” I asked Phil, as we walked to the closest station.
“The plan is to walk around…” he replied distractedly.
We spent the evening walking around New York City until we ended up in Central Park. We sat down together on one of the benches and watched the world go by. Everyone seemed like they had places to be and apart from a few tourists taking pictures, Phil and I seemed to be the only ones who had time on our hands.
“I’m sorry,” he said suddenly, looking over at me. “I know I haven’t been very entertaining today.”
I smiled. “You have a lot on your mind,” I said. “I get it.”
“I didn’t expect to feel so nervous,” he admitted.
I thought about taking his hand, but then I thought better of it. I didn’t want him to think I was taking advantage of the situation or his vulnerability.
“It’s normal to feel nervous,” I reminded him. “You haven’t seen Paul in a couple of years.”
“I had another thought while I was getting dressed this morning,” he said.
“Which was?”
“What if he refuses to see me?” Phil asked. “He can just decline my visit…”
“He won’t,” I said confidently, as though I knew Paul personally.
“Why not?” he asked. “I haven’t seen him in two and a half years. If I had been in his position… I don’t know what I would have done.”
“Stop over thinking,” I told him gently. “Let’s just take this one step at a time, shall we?”
“Ugh…was this a bad idea?” Phil asked with his head in his hands.
“No,” I said firmly. “It was a great idea and long overdue.”
“About two years overdue.”
“Hey,” I said. “You’ve been beating yourself up about this all morning, and I get it, you’re feeling guilty. But you’re trying to correct that mistake now—that has to count for something.”
“When you’ve been the one hurt, it takes more than realization to get to forgiveness.”
I wondered if he was really talking about himself, or was that aimed at me. I decided not to ask. Instead, I just sat there with him and tried to ease his concerns.
“Have you thought about visiting Brent?” Phil asked suddenly.
I hesitated for a moment. “Yes, I’ve thought about it,” I admitted. “But I decided against visiting him right now.”
“How come?”
“Umm… I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, looking down.
“Please,” Phil implored. “Tell me. This is a safe space.”
I gave him a half-hearted smile. “I don’t know…”
“No judgment, okay?” Phil promised.
I sighed. “I’m still angry at him,” I admitted.
“For dealing or for getting caught?” he asked.
“Neither,” I replied. “I’m mad at him for trying to frame you. And I’m mad that he convinced me that you were guilty, and he was innocent.”
“Oh…”
As Phil looked down, I sighed. “Mostly, I’m just mad at myself for falling for it. I knew you, and I knew Brent; I should have seen through his lies immediately.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I… I don’t really know,” I replied.
Phil nodded and turned away from me, and I felt deflated. I knew the reason I had fallen for Brent’s lies, but for some reason, I felt ashamed to admit as much to Phil. We left the park and walked around for a long time, each one of wrapped up in our own thoughts. Once the sun started going down, we headed back to the car and then drove to a motel close by.
At the counter in the tiny lobby near the motel, I stepped up to the cashier, not wanting to assume anything. “I can pay for the room,” I told Phil.
“No don’t worry about it,” he said immediately. “I invited you. I’ll take care of the room.”
“That’s not necessary, Phil.”
“I insist,” Phil said, handing the teller his credit card. “Do you mind if we shared a room for tonight? I’ve requested a room with twin beds.”
I swallowed my disappointment and nodded. “Of course.”
We headed to our room, which turned out to be a lot nicer than I had expected. The single beds were separated by a short chest of drawers with an antique-looking lamp on its surface. The curtains were a dark blue, the carpets were soft and clean, and the television sitting in front of the beds looked like it functioned pretty well. Phil set the bags down and then collapsed onto the bed on the right-hand side of the room. He was staring at the ceiling, and I could tell from his expression that he was thinking about the visit to the prison tomorrow morning.
I sat down on the edge of my bed and faced him. “Worrying about it won’t help, you know,” I pointed out.
“I can’t turn my mind off,” Phil sighed.
“I know.” I nodded, realizing that I had been battling with the exact same thing recently.
Except that it had nothing to do with my brother and everything to do with Phil. I was just watching him looking at the ceiling when he swung his feet off the bed and came to a sitting position so that he was facing me from his bed.
“Did you speak to your parents?” he asked. “Did you tell them about Brent?”
I nodded.
“And?”
“And it went as you would expect: awful.”
“I’m sorry you had to do that.”
“Someone had to,” I said.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you during that phone call,” he said.
The very fact that he would apologize to me for something like that made me want to cry. He was such an amazingly decent human being that it floored me how very gullible I had been.
“You have nothing to apologize to me for,” I said. “The only reason you weren’t there for me is because I wasn’t there for you.”
Phil turned his head down, and I could see he was still struggling to make his decision about our relationship.
“Phil,” I said, drawing his attention.
“Yes?”
“I lied before,” I said. “I told you I didn’t know why I believed Brent over you, but the truth is I do know why I did.”
He looked nervous suddenly. “Why?”
“Because you were too good to be true,” I sighed. “You were this perfect man with nothing negative about you. I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. I mean, how could a man like you possibly be interested in someone like me?”
“What are you talking about?” Phil asked, sounding genuinely shocked.
“You’re handsome, you’re talented, and you’re an amazing firefighter,” I said. “You have the respect of the community, and you have a future that’s incredibly bright. You could have any woman you wanted… So why on earth would you pick me? I’m just a small-town girl, a college dropout…a virgin…”
“You can’t honestly have thought that this whole time—”
“Come on, Phil. I saw Anna,” I said. “She was beautiful. She could be a model. By comparison, I’m—”
“More beautiful,” he interrupted me. “You were always the most beautiful woman to me, Megan. In fact, I always thought you were too good for me. The problem is that you don’t see what I do. Sure, maybe you dropped out of college, but at least you went. At least you got in. I didn’t even apply. I knew there would be no point; no one would take me.”
“You became a firefighter,” I pointed out.
“It was either that or turn back to a life of crime,” Phil said. “And my hatred for my father was what turned me away from the latter option.”
I smiled and shrugged. “We both have our baggage, don’t we?”
“Everyone does,” Phil said. “I suppose it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
“And yet…”
He smiled.
“I really am sorry, Phil,” I said. “I never should have believed Brent. I should have trusted my instincts.”
“Just out of curiosity, what were your instincts telling you?”
“They were telling me that you were not the kind of man who would lie to me or deal drugs or lead a double life. My instincts were telling me that I loved you and I had every reason to. My instincts were telling me that you were my family and everyone else was just…ships passing through.”
Phil nodded and looked down. He seemed melancholy all of a sudden, and I wondered if that was because he knew where our future was headed, and it wasn’t good.
“Stop overthinking, Megan,” I told myself. “You’re going to drive yourself crazy.”
“Sorry…did you say something?” Phil asked, alerting me to the fact that I’d actually spoken.
“Yes,” I wanted to say. “Yes, I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please, please forgive me and let’s give this another shot.”
But instead, all I said was, “No, nothing.”
Phil
“It’s going to be fine.”
Megan looked at me and gave me a reassuring smile. It was the second time that morning that she had repeated that to me.
We were standing in the visitors’ line as we filed into the prison. We had to stand for spot checks before walking through metal detectors. Two guards checked our bags, and our phones were confiscated on entry. It was suddenly becoming very real, and my palms were starting to sweat. I kept looking at Megan, and I realized her presence was the only thing giving my strength.
We were walked through to a room with several tables arranged in equal distances from one another. There was one chair on one side of the table and the opposite end held two chairs. The guests piled in and chose tables randomly. I could see that the room wasn’t even full. There were four vacant tables in the corners of the room. There were two guards positioned at the door and one more outside the room, looking in through the window.
“What do I say to him?” I asked, turning to Megan in panic.
“Start with hi,” she suggested. “And then go from there.”
“What if we have nothing to say to each other?”
“It’s been two and a half years, Phil,” Megan reminded me gently. “You will definitely have things to say to each other.”
“But—”
“Relax,” she said gently, putting her arm on my shoulder. “Take a deep breath and be honest—that’s all you can do.”
I nodded slowly. “Okay.”
“Listen,” Megan said. “I was thinking that you two need some time together, without me sitting in on your conversation.”
I frowned. “Where will you go?”
“I’ll just sit at that table on the far right,” Megan said. “Then when you’re ready, you can call me over and introduce me to your brother.”
I wasn’t sure if I was comfortable with that plan, but I did see the importance of having some one-on-one time with Paul… especially after so long. I might be comfortable with Megan being there, but I wasn’t sure Paul would be. That was what made me agree in the end.
&nbs
p; “Okay.” I nodded.
We heard the shuffle of footsteps, and I realized that they were coming. Megan turned to me and gave me a small wink. She squeezed my hand and headed off to the corner table to sit and wait. A second later, the door opened, and a guard ushered in the prisoners. I strained my neck to catch sight of Paul, and then he appeared at the back of the line.
He was dressed in a dark uniform, and from the looks of it, he had built up some serious muscle since I’d last seen him. His hair was cropped short and was darker than I remembered it. Apart from a few old scars on his arms, he looked fit and healthy. He approached me straight on, but he didn’t look me in the eye right away. When he was right in front of me, he raised his eyes to meet mine.
His expression was almost unreadable, and I felt my lips dry out with nerves. So I decided to take Megan’s advice. “Hi, Paul,” I said, reaching out to shake his hand.
We shook hands and then an instant later, he pulled me in for a quick hug. When we pulled apart, I saw the corners of his mouth turn up in a smile. “Hello, little brother.”
We sat down together, and I breathed a little sigh of relief. “I didn’t think you’d want to see me,” I said, being as honest as Megan had advised me to be.
“For the first six months, I didn’t,” Paul replied. “But then I grew up and got over it.”
“I’m sorry,” I said immediately. “I should never have stopped coming.”
“You know, in a weird way…the fact that you stopped coming to visit is what gave me the reality check I needed. I was forced to look at my life and realize that I had no one anymore—and that was because of the choices I had made.”
“That still doesn’t stop me from feeling ashamed of what I did.”
“Water under the bridge, little brother,” Paul said fervently. “I forgave you for that a long time ago. I didn’t exactly make it easy for you when you did come and see me… I was always so hostile.”
“Why was that?” I asked.
“I was jealous,” he said simply. “You were free, and I wasn’t. I had ruined my entire life, and you still had the rest of your life ahead of you. I was bitter and petty and stupid, and I took it out on you when you came.”
