by Sam Mariano
“Alex wouldn’t help you?”
“I didn’t tell him. What, you want me to make a point to call him and tell him I’m injured? That would be weird. I just remember lying in bed, starving, but not willing to go to the stove to make anything. Wasn’t worth the pain. In my mind, that’s what you were experiencing, not… you know, your charmed Derek life where people care about your well-being.”
Smirking, he tells me, “That’s not living a charmed life, Nikki. That’s just living a normal life.”
“For you, maybe.”
His arm tightens around me. “Well, you should have reached out to me. Sent me a message on social media or something like ‘my back hurts, come feed me, asshole.’”
Grinning, I tip my head back to look at him. “Would that have worked?”
“Hell yeah, it would have. Then I’d have been harassing you half a year sooner. I made sure I was easily findable on every social media platform. I even made most of my shit public in case you ever cared to look for me.”
“You should probably change that now. Someone might kidnap you and try to convince you that you’ve been married to them for six years and you have a child together.”
He nods his head. “Good note. Lot of psychos out there. I’ll do it tomorrow.”
Chapter Twenty Three
Tomorrow brings with it a whole new set of distractions.
Some inconsiderate asshole decided to get high and crash into a telephone poll up the road, and Derek’s house is on that power grid. So, when we wake up the house is muggy, I can’t access the internet from my laptop, and I can’t make breakfast. Depending on how long the power is out, all the groceries I bought yesterday might have to be tossed.
Cassidy is not a fan of the heat. She’s sweaty and miserable, asking every ten minutes to go to the pool. Since Derek’s back hurts, I really don’t want to drag him out of the house. That means I have to find some other way to entertain her/cool her down, so I end up in Derek’s shed digging out summer water toys, and then trying to hook this shit up to his hose.
Consequently, by the time Cassidy is cooled off, entertained, and relaxing on the couch with a warm juice box and her second bowl of cereal for the day, it is afternoon and I have accomplished nothing work-related. I checked my email on my phone before her “I’m hot” misery began, but I haven’t even had time to answer the ones I read.
Being a mom is a job.
When I sit down at my laptop to do as much work as I can offline for the two hours my battery will last, I am so frazzled, I can’t even concentrate. I’m overwhelmed by how behind I am, and the stifling heat in the house doesn’t help at all. This was not my plan for today. Yesterday was supposed to be the day everything was off-schedule since I had to come help Derek. Today I’m supposed to have it all under control. Today is the catch-up day.
“I’m bored,” Cassidy calls. “We should play a game. Or go for a walk. Or go to the pool. We could go to the park! We could grill on the grill. Daddy has charcoal in the garage, we don’t even need the ‘lectric for that.”
I cradle my head in my hands, taking a breath and closing my eyes. I’m so overwhelmed, my hands are shaking. This never, ever happened before I let Derek back into my life. I had everything under control, always. Henry may not have bought me fucking popcorn, but he respected that I didn’t have much time to give him.
Powering off my laptop, I grab my cell phone and head for the door. “I’ll be back, I’ve gotta call my office real quick.”
“Then the park?” Cassidy asks.
I pretend I don’t hear her and slip out the front door, racing away from the house. I sit down in the driveway and hide behind my car. I’m actually thankful that Derek can’t move, so he can’t come out after me. I just need to get out of the house for a minute. I just need to talk to someone, anyone who understands, who can tell me I’m not crazy for feeling so overwhelmed by all this.
I open my phone and scroll down to Louise’s number, but I can’t make myself push the button. She is the closest thing I have to a friend now that Henry has nothing to do with me, but Louise isn’t like me. She’ll probably take Derek’s side. She’ll probably tell me to relax and go to the damn park, and that’s not going to solve my problems. I need to go somewhere with wifi and spend the whole day working now that I’m so far behind, but this is exactly why I came here—to help Derek and Cassidy.
Maybe I should tell Derek to call Mike back over. He can help out and I can go home. Of course, now I’ve lost so much time, even that wouldn’t really help. That means I lose 3 more hours to driving.
I don’t have time to be a mom. I don’t have time to have a relationship, even if I want one. I’ve made myself impossible to have a relationship with.
Tears spring to my eyes. I tell myself it’s because I’m so hot and overwhelmed, but I don’t know if it is. I scroll up and click Henry’s name, putting the phone to my ear before I have time to change my mind.
My heart races with each ring, but my call goes to voicemail. Of course it does. He’s at work. I end the call without leaving a message and scroll through my contacts. I don’t normally have meltdowns, so my lack of friends doesn’t ordinarily matter, but right now it sure would be nice to have one.
Damn Derek for dragging me back into the land of the living. I had a great thing going. I was content. I didn’t need this. He never should have come to the wedding. Things with Henry would still be fine, I would be doing my own thing, and Derek would be tucked away in the past where he belongs.
The only other person I can think to call is Bethany. I don’t know if she’s busy, but I decide to try her. She’s an eccentric woman so I have no idea what her advice will be, but she’s happy. Far happier than I’ve ever been, so she must have shit figured out.
“Hey, babe,” she answers immediately.
“Hey, Bethany. Do you have a minute? I have a situation, and I need someone to talk to about it.”
“Another hot bartender?” she teases.
I groan, closing my eyes on that embarrassing memory. “No, not another hot bartender. Well, kind of. You know how I disappeared from your wedding? Well, there’s some stuff I left out of my explanation since I didn’t want Alex to know, but now… I just need to talk to someone about it.”
“I’m all ears. I won’t tell Alex if you don’t want me to. He’s such a dad sometimes,” she says, and I can practically hear her rolling her eyes.
Smiling faintly, I tell her, “Well, he would definitely be a dad about this. Someone from my past resurfaced at your wedding, and he’s sort of… he’s someone I never completely got over, and I sort of cheated on Henry with him. We’re not together anymore, by the way.”
“Good,” she says. “He wasn’t enough for you. I didn’t think you’d kick him to the curb since you love your safety so hard, but I’m glad you did.”
“Well, I didn’t, Derek sort of did. That’s the other guy. He’s persistent when he wants to be.”
“That can be sexy. A little surprised you let him get away with it, though. You’re kind of a ball-buster.”
“Yeah, well, he met me when I was nicer. He was grandfathered in.”
“Gotcha.”
“Plus, that’s just kind of how he is. Like, he’s not some type A asshole or anything, he commands with charisma or something inherent. I don’t know, but he can dominate me when he puts his mind to it, and I can’t help finding it hot.”
“That’s so hot,” she agrees.
“But he’s crazy,” I inform her.
“I hesitate to take your word on that,” she tells me. “You’re extremely conservative. He’s probably normal.”
“No, he’s crazy. He paid his daughter to pretend I was her mom when I woke up hungover the day after your wedding, all so he could temporarily disorient me by tricking me into thinking I woke up in some kind of fucked up Family Man situation.”
“What?” she shrieks. For a moment I think he went too far even for her, then she howls with laught
er. “Oh, my God, that’s amazing. Points for balls and creativity. He sounds fun!”
“Yeah, well, six years ago when he shattered my heart into 80 million pieces, he wasn’t a whole lot of fun,” I inform her. “Anyway, he got in the way with Henry and made him break up with me. I agreed to be essentially fuck buddies. I can’t really explain why.”
“Because he’s good with his dick, obviously.”
“Something like that. But he doesn’t want to stay in his fuck buddy box.”
“Of course not,” she says, not at all surprised. “He tricked you into thinking you had a kid with him on your first morning after. Unless he’s mentally unstable, this is not a man looking for a fuck buddy. Do you like him? I mean, your problem before, the reason you broke up, what was it?”
“An accidental pregnancy. Shortly after he and I officially got together, we found out he got his previous girlfriend pregnant.”
“Ick.”
“Yeah. And instead of working to keep me and handle the situation, he pussied out. I fought for him until my fingers were bloody from the effort of holding on, and he did not do the same for me. He let the situation get to him. He pushed me away. He let me go. He got back together with her just because of the baby. He’s basically the whole reason Alex and I moved away. I knew I had to move on with my life, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to if I stuck around here.”
“Okay,” she says, considering. “So, it was circumstantial, it wasn’t about incompatibility.”
“To a degree,” I say, hearing my own defensiveness. “He’s still the same person. I still don’t know that he would put me first if it came down to it. The girl he knocked up is out of the picture for now, but I don’t know what would happen if she came back.”
“You should ask him.”
I blink. “Ask him?”
“Yeah. Communication. I realize that’s not your strong point, but yeah, ask him. Tell him you need to have a serious talk about it and ask what happens if she comes back. It’s been 6 years, so that makes you, what, 18? He wasn’t done growing up yet. He was still a kid. Maybe he made a shit choice when he was a teenager, but who didn’t make shit choices as a teenager? If he’s pursuing you again, maybe he sees that it was a mistake. A mistake he would never repeat, because he has learned his lesson. If that’s the case, then what’s the problem?”
I don’t know how to concisely explain the problem. I don’t know how to explain that I don’t trust him, that I don’t want to trust him because I know where it got me last time. I don’t know how to explain that in my post-Derek life, I designed it specifically to keep everyone else out—or, at the very least, to keep everyone at such a distance that I would be safe when they inevitably abandoned me. Bethany wouldn’t understand all that. She’s not afraid of getting hurt. She lives her life with her heart wide open, and if someone dings a corner, she still has plenty to give someone else. My heart is much smaller than hers. I have to protect it much more carefully.
I don’t know how to make someone like her understand that if my heart shatters one more time, that’s it. I’m done. There are no more corners for anyone else. I’ll never even let anyone else as close as I let Henry. I can’t weather Derek again.
What I wouldn’t give to be normal, but I’m not. I came into this world damaged, and none of them understand. It’s so easy for them, but it isn’t for me. Being a work machine is easy to me. Loving someone and having a full life is terrifying. I don’t know that I want to have that much to potentially lose. It’s easier never to have it in the first place than to have it and lose it. Then I’ll know exactly what I’m missing. I’ll never get past that.
“Nikki, where’d you go?”
That’s not Bethany. I lean around my car and spot Derek standing in the doorway, looking outside for me.
“I said I’d be right back,” I tell him. “Why are you up?”
“I thought you ran away,” he mutters.
I shake my head, pointing at the phone. “Had to make a work call. Give me one more minute.”
He nods his head and steps back inside the house. My mind feels a little clearer, even if I didn’t share everything. Maybe admitting to myself that there’s more to my problem than a bloated workload is enough to calm my nerves. I just need to get my head straight so I can come up with a plan. I’m great at handling work crises, so this is not more than I can handle, I just can’t think when I’m so emotionally tapped. The fresh air, my talk with Bethany, and my own personal admissions have lightened my load a bit. Probably enough that I can shoulder the rest of this and make it work.
“All right, I have to go. He threw out his back at work and I came here to help him out with his daughter.”
“Such a thoughtful fuck buddy,” she deadpans.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids are a lot of work. He only has one, but I way underestimated her needs. I’ve accomplished nothing today. I’m so behind on my publishing work, I haven’t even been able to look at my Dreamcatcher edits yet.”
“You work way too much,” she informs me.
“Now you sound like Derek,” I tell her.
“Smart people often echo one another,” she shoots back. “Listen to us, give up some of that control, and you just might end up with an actual life out of it.”
“Bah humbug,” I reply.
“How old is his daughter? We should get her and Bailey together for a play date.”
“Nope. He’s staying in fuck buddy land. This weekend is an exception because he got hurt.”
“Uh huh. Don’t push him away too long, honey. Men tend to have a finite amount of energy they can sink into chasing someone who refuses to be caught.”
“Hey, if I can outrun him, then we weren’t meant to be.”
“That’s something lonely women tell themselves to feel better after they self-sabotage,” she informs me. “Be brave. Let him catch you. If he deserves it this time, let him in, let yourself have a little happiness. Love fearlessly. You don’t have a damn thing to be afraid of. This man cannot break you. You’re a strong woman, Nicole Harmon. You can survive heartache if it happens again, I promise. You just have to open yourself back up to new experiences and new love. That’s where you went wrong last time. You thought you were protecting yourself from being hurt again, but I think you were really punishing yourself for letting love in to begin with. Closing yourself off keeps the pain in. It only keeps happiness out.”
I swallow, unable to argue that second half, at least. I did want to punish myself for being dumb enough to fall in love with Derek.
It strikes me for maybe the first time that Bethany is absolutely nothing like my mom. She’s her opposite in every way, and Alex loved them both.
It also occurs to me that while Bethany is talking a big game right now, she can also back all of it up. She married Alex, for fuck’s sake. She is clearly a woman who doesn’t fear for the safety and well-being of her heart. If he ever screws things up with her, I’ll probably go to her next wedding to some foreign prince she sweeps right off his royal feet.
I need to make a few revisions to Dreamcatcher later. I want to make sure people understand how awesome Bethany is. I need to dedicate the book to her, too. Her and her courageous ability to love with an open heart. In that regard, she is so much braver than I could ever be.
“I want to be you when I grow up,” I tell her.
Her melodic laughter rings out across the line. “Hey, it’s not too late. I’m only a few years older than you. Maybe before you hit 30, you’ll have mastered fearless love. You’re a smart cookie; treat it like a college course you want to ace.”
“I’m so happy Alex found you. I probably won’t listen to your advice, but you inspire me, anyway. He must be so much happier just having you in his life.”
“That’s exactly why you should listen to my advice,” she informs me. “Love can make us happier. Loving someone isn’t a weakness, honey. Just remember that. Giving your love to someone isn’t wrong. If it goes bad, it goes bad. Then y
ou move on and brighten someone else’s life. It sounds like you have a good one right now though, so I say go for it.”
Chapter Twenty Four
The first thing I do after getting off the phone with Bethany is call Louise. Not for advice this time, but to ask her if she could sacrifice her day off and take over the publishing stuff I haven’t been able to do with the power outage today.
The second thing I do while sitting in the middle of Derek’s driveway is email the authors I’m working with right now to let them know I’ve had a personal emergency and my availability will be extremely limited for a few days, that unless they have their own emergency, they should contact Louise instead of me for the rest of the week.
When I finally head back inside the house, I feel a little lighter. I go straight to the kitchen, email Louise what I can from my phone, and open up my laptop. I’m not working on everyone else’s stuff right now, I’m finally focusing on my own. I punch up some snippets of Dreamcatcher to better clarify Bethany’s viewpoint. I love her perspective. Yes, she’s human enough to have doubts and moments of weakness like everyone else. Yes, she got cold feet at her wedding and ran off (in the book), but when her groom chased her anyway, she let him catch her. She faced down her fear and let herself be happy. The character is so unlike me. I was able to tap into her viewpoint while writing her, but once the story was told, I was myself again, without her in my head.
It’s almost a shame. I could probably stand to have a little more Bethany inside my head.
I’m not converted, but I am inspired, so I decide to try it out. I sink a couple hours into editing and revising Dreamcatcher, but when my laptop warns me that I only have 10% of my battery left and I need to plug it in, I close the damn thing, and I’m not worried about opening it again tonight.
It’s one night. I can’t do anything anyway, so why stress myself out about it and ruin everyone’s day?
Derek needs more pain pills by now anyway, so I grab a warm bottle of water and his medicine. Cassidy is sitting on the couch, her little face flushed from the heat as she walks her Barbie dolls along the arm of the couch, then dramatically launches them off onto the floor.
