In the week I’ve been here, I haven’t seen Jason, but we talk each day. Rae has adjusted better than I imagined, and my dad seems relieved to have us around. My mother’s condition remains the same.
“Dad, go get some rest,” I tell him as I watch him nodding off.
“I’m okay.”
“Go rest. I’ve got it covered here. If I need anything, I’ll wake you.” I’ve been memorizing my mom’s schedule. Everything is planned out as per the doctor’s suggestion. With my mother barely mobile and her lack of communication, bathroom breaks are important.
It’s midmorning, so she’s already had breakfast, sat outside, and used the bathroom. I can handle some time on my own, so my dad can take a nap. He’s up real early with my mom.
“We’ve got it covered, Grandpa,” Rae echoes me. I giggle. She is an angel. If I ever thought my daughter was special before, now I know she’s the kindest human in this world. In a time when she can be a rebel, become emotionally unattached, or angry, she is still the happy, supportive girl.
“Okay. If you need anything at all, let me know.” My dad yawns and walks into his bedroom.
I sit by my mom, her wheelchair next to the couch.
“How are you feeling?” I ask her. The first thing my dad told me was to speak to her as if she were fully present. It’s important to keep them feeling safe and comfortable while maintaining that connection, make sure they still feel loved. Rae is somewhere in the kitchen.
“Do you remember when we used to bake cakes together? I do that with Rae now. She loves being in the kitchen. She says she wants to be a pastry chef when she grows up.” I smile at my mom, memories from childhood invading my mind.
“You’d let me lick the spoon when we were done, and Dad would tease me by trying to grab it away from me.” My mom reaches for my hand, her lips twitching. I hold her hand with both of mine and continue to talk to her.
“I met a man, who is pretty amazing. After I had Rae, I didn’t think love was in the cards for me. I love her so much. No wonder you and Dad were determined to have a baby. His name is Jason. He was here helping us move our things. Dad seems to like him. I’m sure you would, too.” I wipe a tear with the back of my hand.
“He’s patient and kind. He cares so much about Rae, you’d think she’s his daughter.”
I stretch the hand I’m holding with care. Without movement, her joints become stiff, so massaging and moving them helps. I repeat the action to the other hand. Then, I grab a photo album on a shelf and sit back down.
I open the album and look through the pictures. Decades of my life, and some before my time, are placed in this book. We look through the pictures as I recall events in my life. It helps me to remember her that way, so full of life and vibrant.
The days have passed, and we’ve entered a routine. July is half way done, and Rae is enrolled in her new school. She’ll begin come late August and I’ve spoken to the principal about our situation at home. Turns out, she’s the same principal from when I was in school, a lot older, but strict as ever.
As for Jason and me, we haven’t had time to see each other since I moved in. It’s been almost three weeks, and it’s starting to worry me. This new normal is stressful. I’ve taken it to heart, leaving no time for anything else. I haven’t even had a chance to find a part-time job, which I need to do, because as frugal as I’ve been, the little money I had is disappearing.
“Hey, Cassidy. It’s been so long.” I look at the woman in front of me in the grocery store. The familiarity in her screams at me, but it takes me a second too long to recognize her.
“Don’t tell me you don’t recognize me. You’ll make me self-conscious.” She pats her hair down.
“Oh my God. Bronwyn?”
“Yes! Where the hell have ya been? You just disappeared overnight and no one ever heard from you again.”
Bronwyn and I tended the bar together before I got pregnant. I glance behind me in panic, hoping Rae takes a minute longer than necessary to pick out the cookies she wants.
“Um, I’ve been good. Working at a diner outside of Nashville.”
“We should catch up. How long are you here for? Not that Nashville is a far drive away.” She chuckles.
“Yeah, definitely. Are you still at Wilde Fire?” I ask her about my last place of employment.
“Nope.” She shows off her ring and squeals. “I’m engaged!”
“Wow. Congrats.” My eyes are wide. “That’s wonderful.”
“Thanks.”
“Mommy,” I hear behind me, and my eyes fall closed. I can’t ignore her. I turn to my daughter and smile. “I got the cookies I want.” She beams, the happiness coming from her causes me to smile, almost forgetting the woman standing with us.
“Who is this?” Bronwyn leans down. “Hi.”
“Hi,” Rae shyly wraps her arms around my waist.
“Well, I gotta go.” I try to race out of there.
“You have a daughter,” Bronwyn states as if Mommy was a term used for anyone. I nod once and hold Rae’s hand.
“That’s wonderful, Cassidy. How old is she?” My work friends never used my full name, always resorting to Cassidy.
I bite down hard, my teeth grinding. “Six.” I know I can’t lie because it will just throw Rae into asking more questions.
“Oh.” I see Bronwyn’s mind working. She’s calculating the years since I’ve left. “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.”
“I’m not.” I try to find a way out of this situation.
“After you left,” Bronwyn leans in to whisper. “This guy kept coming in asking about you. I thought he was just a patron with a crush, but…” She angles her head to look at Rae. “Could it be?”
I shake my head. “I don’t know. It’s not my proudest moment.”
“Oh, well. It’s not like we would even be able to track him down,” she chuckles.
Thank God for that. I don’t know anything about Rae’s father. I didn’t even catch his name. But, what if someone did know him and told him about Rae. Would he want to take her away from me? Could he sue me for not reaching out to him? I should know the laws in relation to this.
“I really do have to go. My dad’s waiting for me, but it was good to see you. Congrats again on the engagement.” I walk away before she can speak again. I forgot that this community was much smaller than Nashville.
“Who was that?” Rae asks.
“I used to work with her when I lived here.”
“Her hair was too yellow.”
I laugh, thankful she can lighten the mood and calm my nerves. At the checkout line, I hear someone else call my name. Can’t a girl catch a break?
I turn to see a man behind me. I squint my eyes. “Oh my goodness, Ben?”
“I thought that was you. How are you?” I look at one of my best friends from high school.
“I’m okay. How about you? God, it’s been years.” I smile.
“I know.” He looks down at Rae and smiles. “Is this your daughter?”
I nod. “This is Rae.”
“Hi, Rae. Are you in town? I heard you had moved.”
“Yeah. I actually moved back in with my parents. My mom isn’t doing too well, so I’m helping my dad care for her.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Hey, we should catch up. Let’s have coffee.”
“Sure.” Ben and I were great friends growing up, but we became better friends in high school. My other friend, Sara, and him were always there for me. Sara moved away for college, and I lost touch. Ben would come by the bar every so often when I first started working until school started.
We exchange numbers and I say bye when I need to pay for my purchase.
“Who was that?” Rae looks at me.
“That was Ben. He was one of my best friends when I was younger.”
“Like a boyfriend?” She scrunches her nose.
“No, silly.” I tap the tip of her nose. “Girls and boys can be friends without being boyfriend and girlfriend.�
�
“Oh.” She shrugs.
The sound of yells stops me as soon as I open the door.
“What’s going on?” I rush into the house.
“Nothing. It’s okay. Stay there.”
Rae and I stop, and I see my dad holding my mom as she screams. I can’t make out what she’s saying, but she seems stressed.
I turn to Rae. “Baby girl, stay here. Don’t move, okay?” She nods, her eyes wide as she looks on at her grandparents.
“What’s going on?” I repeat with a calm voice.
“She seems to have gotten agitated. I can’t tell why, but my assumption is pain somewhere in her body. She started to rock, and almost tipped in the chair.” My dad had moved my mom from the wheelchair to a chair in the kitchen as part of her routine.
“Hold her, and I’ll see where the pain can be.” I rub my hand down my mom’s back in case it’s muscular. I check her arms and hands. I move down to her feet, and notice her calf is cramped up.
I tell my dad and begin to massage her leg. Her cries subside, and her face begins to unscrew. Finally, she relaxes into the chair. I slump down on the floor and look up at her. I look at my dad. His eyebrows are pulled in and his lips are flat.
“Thank you,” he slumps.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes.” He sits down on a chair and breathes heavy. Rae and I got here right on time.
“Come here, baby girl.” I call Rae over. She sits in my lap on the floor.
“Is Grandma okay?”
“She is now,” my dad answers.
“Good. I don’t want her to feel bad.” Rae places her head on my shoulder. I smooth her back.
“She’s okay.” I comfort her. “I have an idea. Why don’t we sit outside and watch the sunset?” I suggest.
“That’s a great idea,” my dad responds with a smile.
“What do you say, Mom?” I look at her. She’s in a daze after her burst of pain, but I think she’d like that.
Rae and I sprint to put the groceries away, so we can catch the sunset.
Once we’re done, my dad and I help my mom back into the wheelchair, and Rae helps me wheel her out into the back porch. Nature is healing, and spending time together is nourishing. I hold my mom’s hand as we sit outside, Rae keeping her permanent spot on my lap.
“How is that young man doing?” my dad asks.
“He’s good.”
“You should make time to see him,” he points out.
I nod in silence.
“I miss Jason,” Rae adds.
“I know, baby. We’ll see him soon.” Having him come over here is challenging. Maybe we can go to lunch or dinner with Rae. I miss him, too. I know he’s respecting the time I have with my parents. He’s being patient, but it’s not fair to have him on standby.
“I’ll call him when we go back inside.” He mentioned he would be performing at Riot tonight, and I wish I were in a situation where I can go and surprise him. I’ll catch him on the phone before he goes on stage. We spoke last night, but I miss his hugs and his forehead kisses.
Even though I haven’t seen him, our conversations alone are enough to make me fall a little more for him each day. When I lie at night, worried, he comforts me. Some nights he’ll sing. Today, I want to see him, smell his musky cologne, feel his arms around me.
Once the evening begins to set, we go back in to prepare dinner. My dad calls Rae to help him, so I can call Jason.
“Hey, beautiful,” his soft voice answers.
“Hi.” I lean back on the headboard of my bed. “Are you busy?”
“Never too busy for you, Caz.” I smile upon hearing the nickname Rae and he gave me. My parents are the only ones who ever called me Cassie. At school I was always Cassidy Rae, and at the bar, Cassidy.
“At what time do you have to leave for Riot?” I ask.
“I’ve got about two hours. How are you?” The meaning in his question is heavy.
“I’m okay,” I sigh. “It was a hard day.”
“Tell me about it.”
I tell Jason what happened with my mom when Rae and I got home from the grocery store. “Rae was scared.”
“I can imagine. How’s your mom now?”
“She’s okay. After I massaged the cramp out, she calmed. The four of us sat outside to watch the sunset before I called you.” I scoot down on the bed and turn onto my side. “I miss you,” I confess.
“I miss you, too. I like our talks, but I want to see you. Make sure you’re really okay.” I smile as a couple tears run down the side of my face. I got lucky with him, and we haven’t had a chance to fully develop our relationship.
“Are you okay with this? With us not able to see each other as much?” When I first decided to move here, seeing each other seemed like an easier option than it has been. I’m on the clock twenty-four seven to make up for lost time.
“Babe, I want you to do what you need to do. I’m here to support you. Yes, I want to see you. I want to hold you and comfort you, especially days like today that were hard for you. I also know how important this is to you. You have guilt about moving away, although you shouldn’t. You made what you thought was the best decision for you and Rae.”
“I know,” I whisper. “Thank you.”
“I’m here for you. We’ll see each other soon. How about we go to dinner Monday? I’ll pick you up.”
“Yeah. I’d like that. Although, I’m not sure we’d get away with leaving Rae behind. She’s been asking about you.”
“We’ll bring her with us.” Jason doesn’t hesitate.
“You’re an angel,” I tell him.
“Not quite, but when it comes to you I want it all.” He’s been more vocal about his feelings in the last few weeks. Jason and I talk for a little longer until I have to go down and help with dinner. He promises to call me when he’s done at Riot.
I walk into the kitchen to oldies music blaring from a radio, Rae and my dad dancing as they cook, and my mom’s head bobbing as she smiles. I realize moving back was the best decision. Rae needs this time with my parents as much as I do, and my parents need her. She’s been a light in my dad’s day since we got here as well. I’m not sure how much time she’ll have with my mom and how much it will hurt Rae when she’s gone. Every morning I wake up wondering if my mom has survived another night. So far, she has, but the uncertainty lingers close by.
Rae spots me and grins with all her teeth. She comes up to me and holds my hands so I can dance with her. I move with her, twirling her and tilting her back. Her giggles are better than the music playing. My dad winks as he holds my mom’s hand. The love he has for her is admirable. Anyone else would have placed my mom in a home and visit her when they could.
As I twirl Rae in the kitchen, I dance over to the stove and stir the pasta before checking if it’s almost cooked. Seeing as it still has a few minutes, I pick Rae up and dance. She tilts her head back and laughs. I love this girl with my entire heart and more. It’s the kind of love I can’t describe. It’s the kind of love I didn’t know humans were possible of having.
The smile on my mom’s face is visible from all angles. It makes me proud to be a part of this moment.
I scrub my eyes as I yawn while stopped at the red light. I had one beer at Riot last night before leaving. I wanted to talk to Cassidy Rae, but by the time I called her she must’ve been asleep already. I’ve given her time, although it’s been difficult. I am at a loss on how to be there for her when I know being present isn’t an option.
Cole questioned my decision to drive over to her parents’ house today instead of waiting for dinner tomorrow. When I heard Cassidy Rae talking yesterday and the stress with what happened with her mom, I knew I had to be there. I want to be there. Even if we only get a few minutes, I’ll take it.
The car behind me honks, taking me out of my reverie. I couldn’t sleep. When she wouldn’t answer my call, I began to worry. I know the rational reason is she was sleeping, but negative thoughts caused me to stay w
ide awake in case she would call. In case she would need to talk to me.
When I finally woke up, later than planned, and checked my phone, I still hadn’t heard from her. I decided jumping in the car and going to her would be my best option. Now, I’m barely awake as I maneuver through the streets.
I make a sharp right, causing the car behind me to deafen me with his horn. The sign of the coffee shop beckons me like a neon light to a broken-hearted fool. I park in the only spot available and walk into the shop in hopes that the caffeine will kick in by the time I make it to Cassidy Rae’s.
The line is long and the tables are full. I look at the menu, wondering if Cassidy Rae and her dad would want coffee. Rae would love one of those vanilla frappuccino things with whipped cream. Deciding to grab just black coffees for the three of us, I look around the interior. Small, square tables are littered throughout with different coffee wall art hung on the walls.
I freeze as I look at the details. I squint my eyes and cross my arms. My jaw clenches as my heart accelerates. I tilt my head and continue to stare until she sees me. Her eyes widen as they land on me. I shake my head so slow I don’t know if she notices.
Fuck coffee.
I turn and walk right back out through the doors that led me into my worst nightmare.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
I slam the top of my car. I don’t care if it dents. I hope it does. I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands to keep from losing it. My heart is threatening to race out of my mouth, causing the back of my throat to burn.
“Jason?” The surprise in her voice doesn’t help the situation. I keep my back to her, wondering why she’d do this. Not even my dream woman could get away with not disappointing me. Call me a pussy, but my heart got tore up.
“Hello?”
I turn around and pin my stare on her. She leans back.
“What are you doing here?” Her voice is laced with her own emotions.
“I could ask you the same thing, Cassidy Rae,” I spit.
Her eyebrows scrunch as she looks at me. “I came to apply for a job.”
All of You (A Rebel Desire Novel Book 3) Page 15
