by Linda Scarpa
My brother was upset about it. He wanted his daughter to be part of our family, just like I wanted my son to be around my parents. We were both dealing with the same problems—in-laws who wanted us to be with them and not with our own family.
We knew that my father wasn’t well and we were trying to do everything we could for him. It seemed like it was harder for us to leave our parents. Maybe it was because we were so young, but my brother and I wanted to be home with our family, and we wanted our kids there. I guess it was hard for our in-laws, too.
After we both separated from our spouses, there was a time when Joey and I were living back home and the kids were with us. We let the kids run wild in my parents’ house. They pretty much wrecked it. My father was always saying, “Somebody watch these kids over here—they’re wrecking my TV!” Or he’d say, “Can someone stop the baby? She’s eating a cigarette.” It was pretty funny. Then after my father died, our relationship with Joey’s daughter was pretty much over.
Most of our lives there was always something that kept Joey and me from spending time together. Once we were living back home, we were able to see each other, one-on-one, and we had some good times.
One night we went to a club together in Long Island. It was strange to see my brother in a club; I never had when we were teenagers. He was a lot of fun. He had a couple drinks and he was laughing most of the night. I was really surprised.
As I look back to when I lost my brother, I realize I’ve missed out on so much with him. It bothers me a lot. I never got to have that relationship that a brother and sister have when they get older.
In my heart I’ve always believed that we would have been the best of friends and we would have been there for each other. I knew we were going to become really close. I’m not just saying that because he’s gone. I’m saying it because of how I felt before he died.
It makes me sad that we didn’t have a chance to become close. All of a sudden he was gone. That was something that I was never able to come to grips with and it bothers me to this day. I carry a lot of guilt over it and I think that’s part of the reason why I block out so much of my time with my brother.
I live with this guilt because I feel that I could’ve done or said so much more to him in the time that I had. I often hear people say, “My grandmother lived until she was ninety. She had a long and happy life, and we had so much time to spend together.”
Well, I didn’t have that time. My brother was taken when he was twenty-three. But then there are people who say, “Well, I had five years with my child, and at least I had those five years.” I had more time than those parents, but I still didn’t have the time that I should have had with him because of our ages and what we were going through. We were just being teenagers. I’m sorry that I didn’t get to enjoy his life while he was alive.
I don’t keep any pictures of my brother or my father around the house. I try not to think about it. But my mother is constantly thinking about my brother. She’s constantly doing things that remind her of him. We have two very different ways of dealing with it. My mother will never, ever have closure. She lives and breathes my brother every single day.
On the twentieth anniversary of my brother’s death, I was looking at the Facebook page my mother created about him. I came across this open letter that she wrote to him twelve years after he was murdered:
My Precious Joey, it’s been twelve years. How can that be? In some ways it seems like a hundred years, but in others, just yesterday. How can everybody go on with their lives? I sometimes get upset that they can, because for me life stands still and I am stuck in time on the day you went away. There are days I seem to do better and then I feel guilty. How can I look forward to the future that doesn’t have you in it. My heart is broken in tiny pieces and I can’t put it back together. Nobody can but you. I know you are in a wonderful place where there is no pain, no tears, no sorrow.
But I’m human and a mom and the human mind is selfish. I want you with me to hug and to tell you how much I love you and hear your one-of-a-kind laugh again. Is there anything that I would have done different if I had known that this would be the last I would see you. I would have drove further and further away. Never letting you go, keeping you safe with me. I feel guilty because as your mom I was supposed to keep you safe always. We always let each other know how much we loved each other. How deeply I loved you. I thank God for 23 years we had. I cherish every second and the memories of these seconds fill my heart and mind each day.
What was your last thought, my son? I pray that you didn’t have time to think—not knowing what was happening. That God called your name and you went so quickly from this earth to him. Joey, do you know how much you are missed? Words can’t describe living in this world without you. Your last words to me, you said, “I love you.” Why didn’t I get a warning and just grab you and take you far away? Sorry for the tears and hurt, Joey. I know you hated it if I would cry but I miss you. I buried a part of myself that day with you. Hold on to that part, Joey, until we meet again.
If I had one more second with my brother, I would tell him how beautiful his daughter is. I would tell him that she has his eyes and it’s like looking into his eyes. I would tell him that he would be so proud of her because she’s come a long way in all these years. She’s almost twenty-five now. She’s standing up for herself and she wants to be part of her father’s family.
If I had one more second with my brother, I would tell him that I was sorry for taking for granted all the days that he was here. I would tell him that I was sorry for all the times I could have hugged him or kissed him, but I didn’t.
Sometimes he would grab me and pick me up, and I’d tell him to stop because he was so strong that he would squeeze the air out of me. Now I wish I hadn’t told him to stop. I wish I had let him squeeze the air out of me or pick me up and swing me around. So what if I got dizzy?
All those things annoyed me when we were kids. I wish I could take back all those things I said about being annoyed. I wish I could tell him that I want him to tease me, make fun of me and annoy me.
I’ve felt so guilty about that, always. Even now, I feel guilty that I never got to spend that time with him. When you’re a kid, you’re going out, you’re having a good time, and you’re hanging out with your friends. You’re not thinking that your brother is going to die when he’s twenty-three years old. You’re not thinking that, so you just take things for granted. You don’t realize that this could happen. He could have just walked out the door and been hit by a car. But who thinks of that when you’re a kid? You just don’t think of it.
If I had one more second with my brother, I would tell him that I was sorry—so, so sorry I couldn’t be there for him. Sorry that I couldn’t help him. Sorry that he died that way. Sorry that I never got to show him how much I needed him. Sorry that I never told him how much I loved him. I did need him and I did love him. But I didn’t show him enough.
I’m sorry.
NOTES AND SOURCES
Chapter 5
March 20, 1962, Memorandum to J. Edgar Hoover, Debriefing Gregory Scarpa Senior.
Fredric Dannen, “The G-Man and the Hit Man,” New Yorker, December 16, 1996.
Anthony Villano, with Gerald Astor, Brick Agent: Inside the Mafia for the FBI (New York: Quadrangle, 1977), pp. 98–100.
David Stout, “Byron De La Beckwith Dies; Killer of Medgar Evers Was 80,” The New York Times, January 3, 2001.
Judge W.O. “Chet” Dillard, The Final Curtain: Burning Mississippi by the FBI (Denver: Outskirts Press, 2007), pp. 71–75.
Shaila Dewan, “Former Klansman Guilty in 1964 Deaths,” The New York Times, June 22, 2005.
“The FBI’s Lin DeVecchio and ‘The Grim Reaper,’” CBS, http://www.cbsnews.com/news/the-fbis-lin-devecchio-and-the-grim-reaper/ (May 22, 2011).
Captain Rodney Stich, Crimes of the FBI-DOJ, Mafia and al Qaeda, 2nd ed. (Alamo: Silverpeak Enterprises, 2010), p. 282.
Chapter 6
David M. H
erszenhorn, “New Indictment for Reputed Colombo Crime Family Captain,” New York Times, July 7, 1995.
Todd Venezia, “FBI Tied on Agent to Hit Mafia Beauty,” New York Post, February 17, 2006.
Chapter 8
“Black Americans and HIV/AIDS,” The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundations, last modified April 25, 2014. http://kff.org/hivaids/fact-sheet/black-americans-and-hiv-aids.
Mary B.W. Tabor, “Settlement in Lawsuit on H.I.V.-Tainted Blood,” The New York Times, August 30, 1992.
Todd S. Purdum, “Reputed Mob Figure Fatally Shot in Brooklyn Club,” The New York Times, June 16, 1987.
Joseph Fried, “Howard Beach Defendant Given Maximum Term of 10 to 30 Years,” The New York Times, January 23, 1988.
Arnold H. Lubasch, “Persico, His Son and 6 Others Get Long Terms as Colombo Gangsters,” The New York Times, November 18, 1986.
Arnold H. Lubasch, “Prosecutors Tell of Colombo Family Murder Plot,” The New York Times, September 1, 1991.
“Bad Blood,” CBS, Street Stories, November 12, 1992.
Chapter 16
Jerry Capeci, “Capo’s Son Gets 6 Yrs. In Plea Deal,” New York Daily News, September 10,1999.
Jerry Capeci, “Get It in Writing,” Gang Land News, September 23, 1999.
Jerry Capeci, Jerry Capeci’s Gang Land (New York: Penguin, 2003), pp. 262–264.
Chapter 17
Kevin Gray, “The Mobster Who Brought Down the Mob,” Men’s Journal, October 2011.
Chapter 18
William K. Rashbaum, “Retired F.B.I. Agent Is Accused of Role in Killings,” The New York Times, March 31, 2006.
Scott Shifrel, Joe Gould, Melissa Grace, “Judge in Lindley DeVecchio Case Rips FBI,” New York Daily News, November 2, 2007.
Michael Brick, “At Trial of Ex-F.B.I. Supervisor, How to Love a Mobster,” The New York Times, October 30, 2007.
Tom Robbins, “Tall Tales of a Mafia Mistress,” The Village Voice, October 23, 2007.
Michael Brick, “Ex-F.B.I. Agent’s Trial Fizzles, as Does Witness,” The New York Times, November 1, 2007.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
To my children: You are my life, my everything, my reason for living. Without you, I don’t know where I would be. You all have made my life complete. Mommy loves you for all the days of our lives. I will be forever thankful for you.
Mom, I never imagined that you could survive what you have survived. You have shown me strength and courage and I love you. Dad, you’ll always be my hero. Linda Maria, always know I’m here for you. I love you so much. My nephew Gregory, you’ve come so far. Thank you for always showing me that you love me. Charlie, regardless of our circumstances, you will always have a place in my heart and I will always love you. Gavin, my little buddy, your smile will always be with me no matter how far apart we are.
Eddie Zorak, your strength inspires me. Thank you for showing me that it’s possible to stay strong through traumatic experiences. Michael Holliman, from day one you have shown me nothing but support and friendship. You are greatly appreciated.
G Fella, I can’t sing a song for you, but this is my way to thank you. Bud Light Bob, your light will always shine. I miss you. A special thank-you to my friends on Facebook for all the support and love you all have shown.
Billy Pietrantonio, you once said that you weren’t afraid to die, you were afraid of not living. I want you to know that you’ll live in my heart forever.
Michaela Hamilton, our editor at Kensington, thank you for believing in my story.
Linda Rosencrance, you never gave up on me. You believed in me when I didn’t even believe in myself. I am so grateful to you for all you’ve done and helped me accomplish. You are an amazing person and will always have a special place in my heart. Thank you is not enough to express what I feel for you.—LS
I’d like to thank Michaela Hamilton at Kensington for being the best editor ever and for believing in this project. Plus a special shout-out to Ranger.
Lynn Riedesel, you are the best transcriptionist in the entire world. You are a lifesaver. Thank you.
Big Linda, your daughter is right. You are a strong and courageous person. I’m so glad I met you.
I was introduced to Linda Scarpa by a mutual friend several years ago. When I first heard her compelling story, I knew she had to share it with the world. She has lived a life that you could only imagine in your dreams—and your nightmares. Linda, to say that you are a survivor is an understatement. I am in awe of your courage. You are a remarkable mother, daughter, sister and friend. I never doubted your strength and determination—not for one second—even if you did. You can’t imagine how very happy I am that you achieved your dream of seeing your words in print.
But it was more than about writing a book for you. It was about showing people who your father, your hero, truly was through your eyes. To do that, you had to be honest about the life that he led. The fact is, you were brutally honest about your life and his life. You didn’t hide from the truth. And that took more courage than people will ever know.
As I grew closer to you over these past few years, I also felt a connection to your father. I came to understand through you that your father was not the monster people make him out to be. That’s not to say I condone what he did, because I don’t, and I know you don’t, either. But he was a loving family man. Maybe in a different time and a different place . . .—LR
Some names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals connected to this story.
PINNACLE BOOKS are published by
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Copyright © 2016 by Linda Ann Schiro and Linda Rosencrance
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ISBN: 978-0-7860-3870-1
ISBN-10: 0-7860-3870-5
First Kensington Mass Market Edition: January 2016
eISBN-13: 978-0-7860-3871-8
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First Kensington Electronic Edition: January 2016
