“Alright, sweetheart.” Mom stands and makes her way to the door, opening it before she swings back to look at me. “I know there’s another week of school left, just try and put everything behind you and push past it.”
“I will. It’s the only thing I can do.” Ain’t that the truth.
Mom leaves, closing my bedroom door behind her. I lean over and put the music back on and close my eyes. I try to push the fact I lied to Mom out of my mind, but it’s just not leaving. I hate how I can’t tell her.
But I know she’ll be disappointed in me for so many reasons. Mostly because she’ll think I was drinking and I put myself in a dangerous situation. And also because I didn’t tell her the morning it happened. God, I hate this.
Dread seeps out of my pores, as hopelessness surrounds every part of my sane mind. It screams at me, and tells me no one will believe me. No one will trust me again. I’m stupid and irrational.
“So irresponsible.” They’re the words I expect everyone to taunt me with. “You must’ve been asking for it,” will be on everyone’s lips. “You must’ve been flirting.” Or, “It’s the clothes you wear.” Or, “I’ve seen you hanging off that boy, no wonder it happened.” Eyes will roll; gossip will be poured from whispering mouths, getting worse the wider it spreads.
Just get through the week, Dakota.
My body is preparing for the worst, the definition of pain and raw humiliation. Every part of me began to shut down on the morning I woke stranded and alone near the bleachers. Subconsciously I think I’d known what had happened, but consciously I tried to push it out of my mind. But once I’d stripped and washed myself, I couldn’t not believe it.
My soul is bleeding. It’s oozing blood, while I slowly drift toward a place I don’t want to be.
Lying on my bed, I close my eyes and wish for a better future.
“Well, well, well. What do we have here?” the familiar, yet unrecognized, deep male voice says. “Let me get you home.” I turn to see who’s standing behind me.
“Why are you out here?” I ask. But my voice is laced with unease and tightness. It sounds garbled, like my pitch has been altered.
“Let me help you. You can lean on me; I’ll take care of you.” The voice belongs to someone I know, I’ve heard it before even if I can’t yet place it. The veil draped over my perception has changed my sense of reality—of who’s here with me.
“Can you take me home?” Did I speak or am I thinking it?
“Shhh, I’ll take care of you. I’ll take care of you real good.”
Opening my eyes I bolt straight up in bed. Energy pulses through me. My heart beat thrums loudly, and my eyes burn as I try to blink the tears away. Rubbing my hands over my face, I find I’m absolutely drenched in sweat. A raging fire is burning inside me, the smoke telling me of the familiarity of the person who found me outside.
Tangling my fingers in my long hair, I pull hard to remind myself I’m alive. The pain catapults me back into the now; the nightmare slowly sinking in as I begin to visualize every moment.
I was there, in my gown, feeling groggy while standing outside, breathing in the crisp night air. My vision blurred while my body desperately screamed at me. Something wasn’t right. A flash of hysteria was urgently trying to overtake me. It was warning me, but my reflexes were slowed and my mind was fogged over by a hazy blindness.
Standing from my bed, I begin to pace and try to remember more of the night that altered my life. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t see a face or even place the voice.
I go over to my desk, power up my laptop and open up a blank page. I start jotting down everything I do know. When I finish I read over everything. It reads like a novel, a book about a young girl who was once confident, who had been damaged and torn apart on the night when her innocence was stolen.
“Fuck!” I breathe while rereading the scorching words.
I sit and stare at the document, my miserable life for the last week on three pages.
I’ve been spending my days in the library with Sophie and this Wednesday is no different. She asked me what happened on Friday night at the charity game, but I shrugged and told her I had no clue.
It’s the last class of the day and I’m walking toward Mr. C’s classroom. Aaron, Jordan’s boyfriend is walking toward me while speaking to one of the other guys Levi and Reece play basketball with. Aaron doesn’t play, but he knows everyone. He’s more into surfing and hanging out at the beach rather than team sports.
“Hey there,” I greet him as I walk past.
“Slut,” he mumbles under his breath and chuckles. David, the other guy laughs too.
I should ignore it, and keep going. My brain is saying how summer vacation is almost here and I shouldn’t rock the boat. But someone I thought was my friend has trampled on my heart and I can’t let it go.
“What did you say?” I ask once they’ve already passed me and are sniggering down the hall.
Aaron looks over his shoulder at me and smirks but doesn’t stop walking.
I run back toward him and grab him on his shoulder, stopping him from going any further. “What the hell’s your problem, Dakota?” he shouts at me.
“What did you call me when you walked past?”
By now there are few people gathered around, watching the interaction between Aaron and I. David’s standing shoulder to shoulder with Aaron; they look menacing standing together.
“I called you a slut.” His shoulders straighten and he juts his chin out defiantly. He’s daring me to say something, anything to him. David howls with laughter and Aaron turns and gives him a high-five while smirking at the small crowd.
“Do you even know what the hell you’re talking about?” I spit toward him.
“Yeah, I know you wouldn’t put out for my boy, but you’re happy to put out for some random guy.”
“Not that it’s your damn business, but I’m still a virgin, you jackass.” Tears spring to my eyes while my chest expands with a deep breath. I will not let them define the person I am, I’ll stand up for myself in front of everyone.
Aaron falters and his face falls momentarily before a condescending chuckle escapes his mouth. “Not according to the pictures.”
In the midst of my humiliation, I attempt to hold onto my dignity, it’s being savagely hacked away from me. “Photoshop,” I say as I arch an eyebrow at him. I’m desperately praying my bluff works, because if it doesn’t I’ll just be feeding more fuel to the fire.
You’re such an idiot, Dakota. I scold myself. You should’ve kept your mouth shut and walked away.
Aaron’s smirk quickly fades, and David’s chuckle stops. I dart my eyes to the small, imposing crowd and already it’s diminished in size. A few of the students have already walked away. This gives me hope I can retain some pride.
“Whatever,” Aaron barks, rolling his eyes and turns to leave.
Quickly the remaining horde dissipates, leaving me with my shoulders firmly squared and my head proudly lifted. The hallway becomes eerily calm with nothing more than my ragged breath filling the walls.
I get to Mr. C’s class and peek in through the window on the door. I see everyone looking up as Mr. C’s sitting on the edge of his desk talking to the class. Freezing with fear, I opt to go and study in the library until the class is finished, but Mr. C turns his head as I look away. I caught him in my peripheral vision, which means he saw me too. I take off down the hall, and hear his door open.
“Ms. Bennett,” he calls after me.
My feet stop their forward motion at the mere sound of authority in his voice. I stay turned away from him, cringing for a few reasons. First, for being stupid enough to have been caught, and second the fact the hall is now completely isolated and I’m alone with Mr. C.
“Yes, Sir,” I respond without turning to look at him.
“Going somewhere, are you? You have pressing matters elsewhere?” his voice is dripping with sarcasm.
“I was going to go to the bathroom.” I’m ge
tting way too good at lying and I hate myself for it.
“Then you need a pass. Back to class.” I hear his heavy footsteps move away from me. I remain glued to the spot, not really wanting to go to class. “Ms. Bennett!” he calls with urgency.
“Coming, Mr. Collins.” I turn and drag my feet. When I get to class, he follows me in and closes the door behind me. My usual seat has been taken by Levi with Lindsey draped over him kissing his neck.
Levi sees me walk in, clutching my books to my chest and curls his lip at me in disdain, then rolls his eyes and looks away. Thankfully, he ignores me, and I go to the opposite side of the classroom and take a seat.
The lesson really isn’t a lesson. It’s the class talking about what they’re going to do on summer vacation, and who’s going where. Mr. C is relaxed, just having fun with the rest of the class. I’m choosing to read because I have no interest in what everyone else is doing, and considering no one’s asking, obviously no one wants to know what I’ll be doing either.
I’m lost in my book, when I suddenly get hit in the head by a flying piece of scrunched up paper. I look up to see Levi sneering at me, of course it would be him. I ignore him and look back down at my book.
“Hey, Dakota,” Lindsey calls me.
Steadying my breath I look up to see what she has to say. “What?” She points to the ball of paper next to my hand and indicates for me to pick it up. “No thanks.” What I feel like doing is standing and leaving the class with my head lowered so they can’t see me crying, but I refuse to give them that much power over me.
I glance over at Mr. C, who’s now got his head down looking at something on his tablet, and turn back to Lindsey.
She encourages me to pick it up, but sneaks a look over to Mr. C to make sure he’s not paying attention. I look at Levi to see him talking with Jason and ignoring us. Hesitantly I pick up the crumpled paper; I can see there’s something written on it, but until I unfold it I won’t know what it says. I hold my breath, petrified.
“Ms. Bennett, care to share what you have there?” Mr. C calls from the front of the class.
“Oh shit,” Lindsey mumbles under her breath though still loud enough for me and the rest of the class to hear.
This tells me whatever is on the paper isn’t nice. “I think this was meant for you, Mr. Collins,” I say while standing to take the paper over to him. He rises from his relaxed position and meets me halfway. “Here you go.” I hand him the ball of paper.
“Thank you, Dakota. You can sit down now.”
He turns to walk away, and I can hear him unfolding the paper from its almost trash-like state. The huff of air which leaves him is a clear indicator the words were indeed, horrible.
“Mr. Matthews, I believe you’d like to spend the next two days in here with me.”
Levi? I thought Lindsey wrote the note. I look over to Lindsey who’s buried her head in her hands, then to Levi who has fire spitting from his eyes. “Ugh,” Levi grumbles.
“You’d like to start off the new school year with an entire semester of being in here, then? Or should I call your parents to inform them of this piece of literature you’ve penned?” Mr. C pushes. “And Ms. Herbert, it appears you’d like to join Mr. Matthews.”
“Yes, Sir,” she mutters from behind her hands which are still planted over her face.
“What was that?” Mr. C challenges.
“Yes, Sir.” She looks up with tears streaming down her face. Her eyes are puffy as Lindsey turns to shoot a vicious glare my way.
Damn it, what on earth is on the paper?
The class is completely silent. All chatter of summer vacation has ceased while everyone is watching Mr. C, Levi, Lindsey, and me. There’s a crackling in the air, stifling and toxic, while everyone’s eyes shift suspiciously between us.
Lowering my eyes I choose to not look at the already judgmental faces. I doubt anything I say will make any difference, from the way their gazes are trained on me. I suspect they’ve already come to their own conclusions. It’s my fault.
Suddenly the heat of the naturally warm day drains from my body, a biting chill piercing straight through me. Shivering from the artic turn of my body temperature, I keep my eyes downcast to avoid all the hatred directed at me.
It seems like an eternity passes before the whirl of chatter starts up again. With a lump lodged in my throat, I continue to look at the words on the page of my book. I’ve read these words at least twenty times, and I still can’t tell you what they say or mean.
The bell to the last class of the day sounds, and I stand as quickly as I can to get out of here. I clutch my book to my chest, and immediately I’m pushed into from behind, knocking my book out of my arms. It flies forward, and lands with a loud thud on the floor. I look beside me, I’m met with a pathetic smile from Lindsey. “What the hell’s wrong with you?”
“You really need to keep those legs closed,” she spits toward me, her eyes narrowing as one eyebrow lifts in defiance toward me.
The self-loathing I’d been feeling transforms into complete and utter hatred. Embarrassment is no longer relevant; I’m beyond that now. “You have no idea.”
Scooping the paperback up from where Lindsey had knocked it out of my arms, I hang back and wait until everyone’s gone before I leave class. Mr. C makes my skin crawl, he truly scares me and makes me want to run in the opposite direction. But in this case, I’d rather be in here with him then out there enduring whatever plan Levi and Lindsey are preparing for me.
I’m a coward, I know.
“Dakota, are you okay?” his deep, gruff voice asks as he stands behind his desk, leaning down on it. I nod and drag my feet to leave his class. “I’ll walk you out.” Terror blankets me as tension grips and tightens every part of me.
Damn it, I should have risked whatever was brewing outside the classroom; I have a better chance of survival with my peers at school. “S’okay.” I quicken my steps until I’m near the door where Mr. C steps in front of me, blocking my exit.
A silent in-built alarm sounds in my body, and it puts me on high alert. Fight or flight. In this case, it’s flight. Mr. C is solid, well-muscled, and a good head-and-a-half taller than I am. His broad shoulders scream there’s dangerous power in his upper body. He can easily stop me, hurt me.
I push past his tall, imposing frame and run. The hallways still contain a few stragglers and I move fast, dodging their slow movements so I can get to the front of the school where Sam is waiting for me.
Harshly, I exhale all the while looking behind me in case Mr. C is following. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Sam asks the moment she sees me.
“Mr. C said he’d walk me out. Last class . . .” I’m breathing so hard, I have to bend at the waist and grasp my knees so I can get air in and calm down.
“What happened?” She rubs her hand on my back and stands protectively beside me.
“Levi and Lindsey . . .” Sam groans, interrupting me. I finally straighten and look at her. There’s a whole heap of people walking around, some are standing by the curb waiting for the bus to arrive, some are going toward their cars and some are standing around talking. “Come on, let’s walk and I’ll tell you what happened.”
Sam and I walk home, and I tell her what happened in class. By the time we get home, she’s furious. “I swear to God, tomorrow I’m giving that bitch a piece of my mind.” Her tenacious and protective manner puts a large smile on my face, and I seem to have calmed down quite a lot.
“Don’t do that. Just don’t worry about it. Only two more days of school left, then summer vacation. We have three months of things to do.” An image of Calvin flashes in my mind, and instantly I’m swept away with guilt. “Sorry, Sam. You’ll be spending your time with Calvin.”
Sam’s face breaks out in a huge smile. “Poor Taylor, will you ever get his name right? And besides, sure I’ll be hanging out with him, but not every day and you can hang out with us too.”
“Three’s a crowd.”
/>
“Not when one is my best friend and the other is my boyfriend.” She hums and looks up to the sky, pretending she didn’t just drop that massive bombshell on me.
“No way!” I half-yell with excitement. I’m so happy for Sam. Calvin must’ve finally asked her to be his girlfriend. “When?”
“Before lunch today. He was so cute. He was shifting from foot to foot, looking like he was going to throw up. He blurted it out, then turned and left. I was standing outside the gym looking around because I had no idea what happened. He mumbled, “Will you be my girlfriend?” but didn’t hang around to hear my answer, he just walked off. I had to track him down at lunch to say yes.”
“Why did he leave?”
“He said he thought I was going to say no, so he got nervous and left. He was so cute.” She smiles at me.
“What did you do?”
“Hell, Dakota. I made him suffer. Told him he was lucky he ran away because I was about to embarrass him.”
I bring my hand up to cover my mouth, which is hanging open in shock. “You did not!”
“Yep, then I turned to walk away.”
My eyes widen. “You did not!” I repeat.
“I so did. He ran up to me and told me he was sorry for leaving. I told him I accepted his apology and of course I’d love to be his girlfriend.”
“Aw, that’s so sweet.” I smile as I drop my hands from my mouth and give her a big hug.
We walk inside and I have a great feeling this vacation is coming at the perfect time. I need to get away from school, and I need to be around my family.
There’s only today and tomorrow left of school, thank goodness. I’m not sure I could ignore the stares and whispers for much longer. Over the loudspeaker, one of the ladies in the office makes an announcement. “After lunch, female students from all grades will go to the gymnasium. All male students from all grades will go to the athletic field bleachers. I repeat; after lunch, all females from all grades need to go the gymnasium and all males from all grades need to go the athletic field bleachers.”
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